Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Wait stop I think you forgot the things for which I have fought
The words I have said the lies you've told the things that will torture me long after I'm old
I think you don't remember where we have been the places we've seen the amounts of sin,
I want to win
I want to win
I don't know if this is the kind of world I want to live in
I don't know
I don't know
I can't even try to mother fucking fucking go
I am done
Done
Done
With all this shit
I don't wanna talk about it
Not now not ever not even in a little bit
I am spinning and I feel my ribs sliding out
I am quickly losing my ability to scream and shout
I am trying but I'm dying no that's shit sorry for lying,
I don't know if I care beyond the circle I am in,
Unable to win surrounded by sin,
I have to go and grow to save myself from me,
Because I am the biggest problem I think that I can see.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Hello, GrapeNerd here!
So this is a really great piece, and it does have a lot of impact on the reader.
What I first noticed is that the lines are pretty long, I suggest cutting them into separate lines.
"I can't even try to mother fucking fucking go"
I think it shouldn't be repeated, it will sound more smooth if you only put it there once.
Now, let's talk about the ending, which I love, by the way. Although it may be short, it had a lot of impact. I think your beginning and ending is fantastic, so is the rest of your poem! I hope to read more of your work. Till then, keep writing!
Cheers,
GrapeNerd
Hey, here to do a review!
Okay, I really enjoyed the ideas and themes of this poem, but I think the long parts in the beginning could be shortened down or made into more then one line (Just my opinion).
"I can't even try to mother fucking fucking go" I don't think 'fucking' should be there twice, if that's what you intended, it just sounds more put together if you only put it there once.
Other then that, I found no spelling mistakes, nor grammar mistakes and I really enjoyed this. Keep up the good work
Greetings! This is very nice, and I think it is almost rap like, which is pretty darn good (rap is generally harder to write as it often demands more rhymes).
Firstly can I say you might need to sprinkle a little punctuation on this. I think this may help the rhythm, but really its not at all bad as it is.
The ending you have here is definitely very good and final, probably because of the way you have it as a rhyming couplet: always makes a good ending in my opinion.
My other tiny criticism is that you might want to break it in to, stanzaing it. perhaps after the words "a little bit". Just a thought.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
Hey, astutedude! I think we've tangled in the reviewing ring a couple of times before, so I've stopped by to see if I can be of any help this time.
I'll start by saying I totally loved this part:
And I know you said in the description to ignore the punctuation "errors", but what makes them errors? Were you typing on a tablet and couldn't put in punctuation? Otherwise, if you left them out on purpose, totally not errors and totally awesome! I love the flow I can get through the lines without periods or commas slowing me down and even in the places where I almost get lost, it just makes me focus and read that section again. But for this first part, once you get the rhythm, it's pretty easy because you've kept the rhythm rather solidly throughout this part.
I start losin' you right after this. I think it's because the pace changes. It gets choppy. Where "I want to win, I want to win" kind of matches with the rhythm of the beginning, "I don't know, I don't know" is too short and shakes me up.
In addition to just being off rhythm, I feel like the thoughts get a little unfocused, too. I loved the honesty and the direct address of the first part -- like it was talking to me, but then the poem goes internal. The speaker is suddenly only talking about themselves "I am... I am... I am..." and for some reason it didn't let me sink in as nicely as the first part.
Anyways, I hope these thoughts were helpful.
Let me know if you have any questions by PMing or posting a reply to this review.
Good luck and keep writing!
Hannah