Young Writers Society

Hello, GrapeNerd here!

So this is a really great piece, and it does have a lot of impact on the reader.

What I first noticed is that the lines are pretty long, I suggest cutting them into separate lines.

"I can't even try to mother fucking fucking go"

I think it shouldn't be repeated, it will sound more smooth if you only put it there once.

Now, let's talk about the ending, which I love, by the way. Although it may be short, it had a lot of impact. I think your beginning and ending is fantastic, so is the rest of your poem! I hope to read more of your work. Till then, keep writing!

Cheers,
GrapeNerd

Hey, here to do a review!

Okay, I really enjoyed the ideas and themes of this poem, but I think the long parts in the beginning could be shortened down or made into more then one line (Just my opinion).



"I can't even try to mother fucking fucking go" I don't think 'fucking' should be there twice, if that's what you intended, it just sounds more put together if you only put it there once.

Other then that, I found no spelling mistakes, nor grammar mistakes and I really enjoyed this. Keep up the good work

Greetings! This is very nice, and I think it is almost rap like, which is pretty darn good (rap is generally harder to write as it often demands more rhymes).
Firstly can I say you might need to sprinkle a little punctuation on this. I think this may help the rhythm, but really its not at all bad as it is.
The ending you have here is definitely very good and final, probably because of the way you have it as a rhyming couplet: always makes a good ending in my opinion.
My other tiny criticism is that you might want to break it in to, stanzaing it. perhaps after the words "a little bit". Just a thought.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!

Hey, astutedude! I think we've tangled in the reviewing ring a couple of times before, so I've stopped by to see if I can be of any help this time.

I'll start by saying I totally loved this part:

Wait stop I think you forgot the things for which I have fought

The words I have said the lies you've told the things that will torture me long after I'm old

I think you don't remember where we have been the places we've seen the amounts of sin,

I want to win

I want to win