The grassy fields are at peace.
My eyes closed and everything around me is noisy.
This time with my hand in the grass settles the nerves.
Once the call is made, everything will change until the pull.
I’m ready now, everything is at peace and my mind is clear.
“BROOMS UP!!”
Twelve people running like stampeding bulls to midfield.
I brace myself for the initial hit, but I’m not afraid.
The clash was spectacular and we have the ball, so my rush was a win.
As we move across the field, I can’t remember the peace that I
Once felt,
Am I still in control or is the beast inside awake?
“DON’T GIVE UP!!”
The score was good and now we’re on defense.
This part makes me worried that the side I don’t like will get out.
Competitive, angry, aggressive, and win hungry.
This is the beast of my reference.
He only wants the glory, only the win; there is no substitute.
“Can’t let him show up!”
We block their fast break and I feel the scratching.
He’s up and wants to play along, what do I do?
He knows I need his strength, but am scared of him unlatching.
The beast is ready now and if I stand in the way, I face the wrath.
“THE SNITCH IS UP!”
His ears hear the call immediately, his turn to seek now.
The wrestling isn’t the hard part; it’s controlling the beast.
I use his strength and hide his anger to not send him into a plow.
I am thrown and tumbling across the field, sharp pain in my side now.
Lifting up off the ground, the beast hears his call to take over.
“IT’S A SUICIDE PULL. GET UP!”
The other team doesn’t want me to get the pull, but I want the pull.
I want the winning pride and I won’t be robbed of this.
My anger and drive forces me to want this. I will take this from them.
I am faster than their seeker, so I get there first.
I am thrown again, my ribs hit first and I know the pain again.
The beast says, “YOU’RE WEAK!! GET UP! GET UP!”
My blood, my body, the pain runs threw my poor body.
I can’t get up threw this raging agony.
My arms move to force myself up but it’s like swimming
Through sauce of teriyaki.
Back on my feet, the fire is burning to the point of insanity.
Agony pulls me back into the chase and all I see is the white of fury.
I am faster than their seeker, so I get there quickly.
“CAN’T GIVE UP!”
The Snitch strong and more than I can handle alone, it’s time.
It’s the beasts’ time now and I can’t fight it anymore.
He has what it takes to capture this win and I commit the crime.
I growl out loud and startle the Snitch; we both tumble to the floor.
It’s in my hand, I can feel it, but did I pull it first?
“I WIN I WIN, Hands Up!”
The refs now have to decide if it were a fair pull or not
This will be the longest 23 seconds of my life.
I hear them chattering and pointing and what not.
My team and I need this, please no more strife.
They’re eager for the win and that’s what we get.
“They’ve done it! Orange team moves up!”
I celebrate with my team center field with my side throbbing,
But only seconds later, to remember that now I’ll have to battle the
Beast inside again.
In a second my mind flashes to the future, back in a field kneeling.
My eyes closed and the grassy fields are at peace once again,
I clear my mind for this game will mean more so the beast will have to
Come out again.
I know what I must do and will have to trust the beast until the pull.
“BROOMS UP!!”
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
This may be a little short, because I have to get off soon. Here I go.
First, I'm assuming you're a Harry Potter fan. That's great.
I only have one big issue with this, and the issue is that I don't think this should be a poem. I think Quidditch is better suited for short stories. It's such an action-filled game, I think it can more adequately be expressed through a story. By doing it through a poem, the action sequences just seemed chopped up and disconnected. It's hard to express complicated actions through poems, especially if you format the poem weirdly. I think you should give this another try, but as a short story.
Keep on writing!
Hmm!
Okay, I love Quidditch. I love the idea of it, and I'm a fan of Harry Potter, so that's not the problem here...
I'm wondering first why you wanted to write this as a poem? Do you think it might work better as a short prose piece? I think so, and I'll give my reasons. First of all, you pretty much write with a prose voice anyway. Putting line breaks in regular prose syntax doesn't automatically make poetry. It just makes prose with some line breaks, and since you don't really use any poetic language, I feel like you don't need to try to make it something it's not. The second, and maybe more important reason, is that when you accept this piece as prose, you will be able to let yourself add more detail.
The biggest reason I couldn't enjoy this poem was because I had no idea what was going on half the time. In prose, you would be able to give me the connective tissue -- let me watch the action like flowing through a thread instead of in chopped up images chopped up like you chopped up prose into lines. I need to know what's actually going on on the field, because right now I can't imagine it.
My other biggest reason was that I have no idea what a "pull" is. It's basically the main focus of this poem, and so to not understand what it is leaves me with no chance to enjoy. ;_; In prose, you'd be more free to explain or insinuate as to what a pull is, and let those with just a little less knowledge of jargon enjoy the scene as well.
I like the idea of this player with a beast inside, the contrast of the calm on the grass and the building tension as they try to fight off the beast. I like this idea, so I think you should keep working with the piece and try to edit it. I'd like to see it in a different form!
Hope these thoughts and suggestions are helpful to you.
If you have any questions or comments, please PM me or leave a reply to this review.
Good luck and keep writing!
Hannah
It's not a prose piece, the stanzas got mixed up when I uploaded it and I didn't know.
I based the poem on my first Muggle Quidditch tournament that I ever played in. It is a very real sport that is full contact. The pull is what it's called when the seeker catches the snitch. He/she must literally pull a velcroed ball off of the back of the snitch.
Thank you for your comment, I hope I cleared some things up.
Ahhhh I am guessing you are a Harry Potter Fan?
I really enjoyed reading this! I particularly liked your use of similes and it would have been great if you could use them more. You are giving the reader a clear image of the Quidditch field in their head so they feel like they are actually there. Really good!
keep up the good work and keep us posted.
Matisse
This is so good! It threw me back to the days of Harry Potter and thrust me into a Quidditch Pitch.
The only thing I would change is the teriyaki reference, it does work to describe the situation, but it's a completely different topic. Maybe try something that's more related to magic and wizarding world.
Apart from that, I really can't see anything wrong with this. Love it!