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Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

The Reaper in Black -- Chapter One

by Sherri


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

"My Queen,"

She looked up from her reading chair to observe her butler bow at the waist as he spoke his greeting. She lifted her hand in a dismissive gesture, returning her gaze to her book. If one could even call it a book. It was more of a journal within a book; the pages of a large book had been hollowed out to create a big enough space to conceal a journal in the center. Unless someone got too close, it would be hard to discern journal pages from book pages.

"Is your tea at a desirable temperature, my Lady?" Asked the prestine butler with his crisp accent. She noticed how perfect his uniform was put together, free of wrinkles and flaws. How he kept his dull gray eyes hooded and made sure they never met her gaze. How he kept his head bowed slightly to the floor. How he held a black hand towel draped over his left arm, and how he kept his right arm folded behind him. She noticed his black hair, slightly frizzy and always unruly.

"Forget the tea; he's here, isn't he?" She stood, swinging her arm so that the black lace and silk of her ornamental gown swept in an arc around her. She held her back stiff and her chin high as she stalked past the butler, silently and subtly gesturing for him to follow. He obeyed without question, padding after her like a puppy following his master.

"That he is, my Lady." He sighed, his shoulders slumping. The Queen knew for a fact that this visitor--who always tussled her butler's hair--made that very same butler very uncomfortable. He was certainly eccentric, to say the very least. "I don't see why you must continuously see this man. He isn't suitable for a business partner--which is what your foreign allies think he is. He isn't suitable for a friend--which is what you think he is. And he isn't suitable for a prospective lover, which is what everyone else in this blasted castle thinks. And his entire demeanor is... how to put it... somewhat scandalous."

"Don't speak out of turn, Lorale," the Queen growled, partially ignoring his advice. "Besides, he's better than Evora. You want scandalous, just take one look at her. She dresses like a flipping man, for crying out loud!"

She picked up her pace, listening to her high heels clicking on the cold stone floor, and his own flat-heeled shoes clacking as he strained to keep up with her.

As she walked down the long corridor leading to the Guest Acceptance Room, she let her thoughts wander to Evora. Where was that woman, anyways? She had gotten word that a plague had started in the northern region of her territory, and it was that female scientist's job to whip up a cure. The unreliable woman had been gone for nearly two months; usually the Queen would let this slide, but on the other hand, Evora usually came back before the Queen needed her.

"My Lady, you've passed the room." Her butler cleared his throat, stopping her near-sprint down the hallway. She could've kept speed walking like that for at least another ten minutes before the hallway came to an end. This castle was much too big, but it had come with the whole 'royal package'.

Reaching the door, she signaled for the butler to leave, and entered the room without caution. Strolling over to her favorite chair in this particular room--a big feather-filled oval sitting chair the color of the ocean, dark wood trim holding large cushions in place--she plopped down and waited for the visitor to make his trademark dramatic entrance.

She was shocked when she noticed him already standing by one of many floor-to-ceiling windows at the far side of the room. Where was his sweeping gestures and over-pronounced words? His care-free manner and bouncy personality? It almost scared her to see that stern face, clenched jaw, and two hooded eyes. Hooded eyes that turned to glare at her while he angled his body toward her.

"Larana," he hissed, baring his teeth. His four canines were abnormally long and reflective, making his other teeth look dull. His pupils turned to tiny black slits as his silver eyes flashed. Cold calculation swept across his face like passing traffic, making her heart nearly stop beating.

"What? What's happened?" She asked, disgusted when she heard her voice quiver. Standing, the Queen braced herself as the visitor lunged at her. Wrapping his left hand around her throat, he pushed her back down into the chair with a thud.

"You lied to me, Larana."

"What?! I haven't lied--" she tried to protest, but he tightened his grip on her neck.

"The bridge. Is still. Standing. Why is it still standing, Larana?"

Realization hit her. The bridge. She could have sworn she gave the order to Gladys to demolish the old structure... and Gladys and just recently told her the deed had been done. The bridge should be gone; gone, as this man had demanded. She shuddered at the very thought of the bridge still standing. Some ancient energy had attached to it, he had told her. It was draining him to have that energy so near. She had to destroy it. Destroy it before their pact was affected.

"Gladys told me it was finished." She choked out, feeling precious air seep out with the words; air she could no longer replace. She grasped at his hand, trying to pull it away, but he was too strong. Of course he was; he wasn't even human.

"Gladys lied, then!"

"So why aren't you choking Gladys, curse you!" She shrieked, and he released her. She reeled forward, catching herself with her hands as she retched on the floor. He had touched her for too long, and it certainly hadn't helped that he was so angry. His powers had been concentrated on her, and that had been dangerous. Much too dangerous.

"I don't feel her in this Place anymore." He whispered, suddenly calm and collected. Like he hadn't just tried to kill her. Like his hand wasn't still red from gripping her throat so tightly.

"She jumped dimensions?" She asked, rubbing her neck and grimacing at the mess she had made. "Doesn't that take a lot of power? Power that humans don't have the capacity to hold?"

"Exactly. She likely had immortal aid. I don't think it was a Reaper, though." He smiled at her, holding out his hand to help her up. She took it after a moments hesitation; he noticed this, his smile faltering.

"Why would you say that?"

"Two reasons: Firstly, the spell wasn't sophisticated enough; you know we Reapers have to do everything with style. And secondly, it's Master isn't nearly as beautiful as mine." He touched her cheek. "Surely that means it must be some mindless divine entity who has no sense of beauty?"

She slapped his hand away, turning her back on him to face the windows. She hoped she could hide her escaping smile from him, but it wasn't likely. It was hard to hide anything from a Reaper.

"Well? Why are you still here?" Her back still facing him, she waved her hand in yet another dismissive gesture. His eyebrows arced.

"Mistress?"

"Kill Gladys. Bring me her soul as proof. And... seek out the entity that activated her Rift passage. I don't like the idea of beings capable of enabling teleportation roaming about like everyday riff-raff."

The Reaper smirked, letting out a single harsh laugh. As she turned her head to glance at him, he bowed low at the waist, one arm behind his back, the other held out to her. She walked over and pressed her forehead to the top of his hand. His eyes flashed a bright silver, and she instantly felt a headache coming on. Every demand had a price. Everything taken had to have something of equal value given back. Hopefully the price wasn't as big this time.

"Of course, Mistress," he purred, chuckling. She blinked, and he was gone; no trace left but a feather black as night.


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Tue May 13, 2014 3:37 pm
Caesar wrote a review...



hey there, I'm Judas and I'm pleased to review your chapter today.

It seems as though this chapter takes too many things for granted. Crafting an opening is tricky business, would you not say? One needs to paint a universe, without making it too info-dumpy, but one also needs to make it interesting, and at the same time not withhold too much information on the universe the interesting story is taking place in. A middle path must be found. I feel that here, this middle path hasn't been found. An interesting story is certainly presented to us, but in doing so, information on the universe has been sacrificed.

I will try and bring up, in no particular order, some key points for you to consider, so that some of these holes may be filled in.

Who is this Queen? In my eyes, she doesn't speak or carry the poise of your typical queen. She must have an interesting background. The way the Butler speaks to her, that must imply there is some familiarity with them. One does not simply get to be a Butler in a castle by speaking rashly to someone who could have them executed them in the blink of an eye, for no particular reason.

Who is this eccentric man? Clearly he knows the Queen very well, as he treats her familiarly. The butler doesn't like him, and maybe rightly so -- the first thing this man does is assault and try to kill her. In this aspect, I recommend taking some extra time to characterize him. I'd like to know a bit more about his background.

What is the bridge he seems so angry about? Apparently it's very dear to him, if the thought of it not being destroyed would bring him to attack the Queen, a friend. On a related note, who is Gladys? At first I thought they were a collaborator of the Queen, since she ordered them to have the bridge demolished, but then the Queen orders her mysterious friend to kill this Gladys with such nonchalance, I thought to myself, that can't be right. What's the deal then?

Who are the Reapers? They seem to be connected somehow, but I know so little, I can't even formulate a proper question.

This chapter would benefit greatly from additional setting information, even (especially) done subtly, such as with dialogue or little gestures. A good beginning is good, but without a solid universe to host it, it is like a beautiful fish swimming in the vast emptiness of space.

Hope this helped
-Ita




Sherri says...


Thank you so much for both the review and questions; I enjoyed getting feedback and being able to improve my story by reading it.
I agree, the opening of a story is always the hardest, especially when dealing with a world readers aren't familiar with. I know I fell short in a lot of aspects here, and a lot can be improved, but some of it was intentional.
I'm glad you noticed the relationships in between the characters so well... I was afraid I was being too subtle! The Queen acts the way she does (not like a Queen at all) because she only recently retrieved the throne (about 5 years before the events in this chapter). This is revealed slowly in later chapters. As the story moves on, more information on the Queen and her personality are given. It's the same for the butler, the Reaper, and Gladys (well, it takes a while for the story to come back around to Gladys herself, even though other characters talk about her). I'm trying to stretch out the story in a way that allows for build-up and reveal, but maybe I'm going too slow and holding back too much information?
Anyways, I'm currently working on chapter 3 and 4, so I'll try and fit in the answers to your questions in those chapters. As for this chapter, I will likely come back after chapter 3 is finished and fix it up a bit; I realize the details on customs, species, relationships, and the world itself is a little foggy now!
Thanks again! :D



Judas says...


I recommend giving us more to go on from the start, yeah.

and sure, no problem.



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Sun May 11, 2014 4:06 am
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Snowery wrote a review...



Hey there Sherri! silver here to review for you :)

First of all, I love you avvie! So cute :) On to the other stuff! --->

Main Points

Punctuation

You need to tweak most of your dialogue punctuation.

"That he is, my Lady." He sighed


Remember, when punctuating for dialogue it should end with a comma instead of a period. Also when returning back to non-dialogue, the first letter of the sentence is in lower case rather than upper case. Here's the edited version:

"That he is, my Lady," he sighed

This is something that runs throughout your story so just beware and maybe look out for it next time. Other than that your punctuation's all good :)

Spelling

but it had come with the whol


I think "whol" should be "whole"

Other Stuff

[quote]which is what everyone else in this blasted castle thinks.[/b]

He speaks like this to his queen? It's kind of out of character after all the effort he's gone to not to meet her eyes and some such. Also the fact that she doesn't tolerate it makes it even more odd.

Overall, I found this very interesting. You've sort of set the scene for how things go on in the queen's life and some of the things that she is involved with. I really like the idea of the reapers, I think that's it's fascinating and quite unique. You've also set up the bones of the plot and added some intrigue already which is great for a first chapter. Well done! :) Keep it up and happy writing! :) :)

Silverlock




Sherri says...


I'll have to fix those mistakes... I honestly didn't even notice I was doing that with the dialogue; I need to pay more attention to that! Thanks :)
As for how the butler talks to the Queen, I actually did that on purpose. A bit of foreshadowing, I guess. He has a reason for acting out of turn like that, and she has a reason for partially tolerating it. I can't really give away why, but I can tell you that much.
Thanks for the review! I really appreciate it! :D



Silverlock says...


That's cool then! Foreshadowing is always a cool thing, even though it can get misunderstood. Great stuff! :)



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Sun May 11, 2014 4:00 am
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Ventomology wrote a review...



Whew... two days and you're already this active? I'd better see you mentioned in Squills.

Anyways, no grammatical errors, at least, none I could see.

Which means I get to review all the fun stuff! Hooray! Now then, my first comment is this: you have listed this story as a mystery. Now... there is a trademark thing about mysteries, we have to have ALL the details. You did a good job at first, with the scene only between the butler and queen, but after that you got a little lazy. And you can't just HAVE the details, you also have to make some of them more obvious than others. It's all part of helping your audience try to figure the mystery out themselves, not to mention it's also good for setting up red herrings. (And also mood. Description on lighting, as well as personification and strongly connotative descriptions really help to set something up as either negatively, positively, or neutrally suspenseful. With mystery, those things are super important to helping, or misleading, your readers.)

But other than that, I have to say I'm impressed. Your verb choice is exquisite, and the use of personality in your third-person-limited was wonderful. I also spotted a few poetic devices, and that's pretty cool!

This story shows a lot of promise. If you don't mind, could you let me know when you post the next chapter?

Ciao for now!




Ventomology says...


Wow... did I forget to mark this as a review? Oh well.



Sherri says...


I don't mean to be so active... This website is just so fun, I can't help it! :D
As for my missing details, I see what you're talking about. I'll have to patch that up...
Thanks for the praise and advice; it's helped a lot! :D
And as for letting you know when I post the next chapter, would you like me to let you know on your wall, or PM you, or what?



Ventomology says...


Oh... you can tell me any way you want. I think most people usually post it on my wall though.




Time is not your best friend - unless you use it wisely.
— Marco Pierre White