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Young Writers Society


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Castor's Tale Chapter 3 Part 2 - Plans Sabotaged

by Messenger


Running through the woods quickly, Castor arrived at a spot where a dusty trail narrowed between two massive oaks. She pulled the rope she’d been carrying off of her shoulder and looked for a good place to secure it. Her plan was simple, but a good way to get back at Kalan.

She looked around quickly. She had time, but not enough to waster by standing around. She quickly tied the rope to a sapling on the right side of the trail, and then ran to the other. She laid the rope on the ground and covered it with dirt and leaves so that it was invisible from someone coming down the path.

Castor then looped it around a tree branch and dragged it back across the trail, covering it once more in dirt and leaves. She then picked up her knife and scooted into the underbrush, waiting for Kalan to come along. He’ll enjoy this. And regret attacking me, when his face is in the ground!

A buzz behind her made her spin, and she saw a large bumblebee buzzing on a nearby flower, obviously enjoy the feast of pollen within. Just as long as you don’t sting me. Castor wasn’t sure how much time she had. Kalan had said that he was going to eat and then take the horseshoes to Mr. McTacosh. This was the only trail to the McTacosh farm, so unless Kalan decided to try to take a shortcut through the woods, he had to come down this trail. And then Castor would pull the string and trip him. It shouldn’t rough him up too bad, but it would possibly scare him.

The buzzing behind Castor was really annoying her. The hair on the back of her neck was raised. She really didn’t want the bee to come any closer. I hate bees! Get away you stupid thing! Last time she had been stung it had been a bad ordeal. Castor slowly turned as she felt something brush against her neck. But it was just a fly.

Then the bee came back. Groaning at her luck, she was about to shift positions, when she heard a horse coming. Looking through the foliage Castor made out . . . Kalan? But he’s supposed to be on foot! She couldn’t go through with it now. If she tripped the horse she could very possibly kill Kalan. She smacked her forehead and muttered nothing distinguishable. Kalan approached at a canter and Castor just stared at the place where she knew the rope was hidden. And then-

“Ow!” she yelled, standing up as something stung her neck. Then another. And a third! She tried swinging her arms back to squash the evil bug, not even realizing that she was still holding the rope in her hands. He spun on her heels and watched as Kalan’s steed clip-clopped right into the rope that was now taut, four inches above the ground.

Castor just watched, barely feeling the pain in her neck, as the horse stumbled forward onto it’s belly, and Kalan was launched like an arrow out of the saddle. He yelled and flailed his arm as he did a somersault in the air. He crashed to the ground with a hard thud. Sliced the rope from the sapling and yanked it away from the trail. With that she was off and running.

Thorns and twigs slapped her face as she ran. Now I’ve done it! Her neck stung and itched at the same time and the rope kept on catching on roots and shrubbery. Finally, nearly mad from all the pain at once, Castor tossed the rope aside, tried to itch her neck, but that just made it hurt more.

She ran withal her speed. Not again! Why do bees hate ME? What did I do to them? She finally broke out of the woods and into the village square. She hit the inn door running and headed straight for the kitchen, ignoring the stare and looks from the customers.

She spotted Miles at the fire and called to him. “I’ve been bit by some bees, where is the poultice you gave me last time this happened?”

He looked up, face white with powder. “Castor, where have you been?”

“Never mind!” she snapped. “Get me the poultice!”

“Okay, just hang on.” He wiped his hands on his apron and dashed into his room which was adjacent to the kitchen. He returned about a minute later. Castor paced back and forth as he threw some leaves and water together, making an awful-looking paste.

“Here,” he said.

She stopped moving and said: “Put it on quickly so I can get the stingers out. It itches really badly.”

Miles applied the cold and mushy moisture It somewhat relieved the pain with it’s coolness. Castor sat there, muttering to herself. Why do bees hate me! I hop Kalan isn’t seriously injured. I could have . . . but it wasn’ t my fault. So I can’t take the blame.

“Ouch,” she said, as Miles unexpectedly pulled a stinger from her neck. Then he pulled the other two. She grabbed a nearby cloth and wiped off the poultice quickly. Then she scratched the back of her neck fast and hard. After a few seconds she leaned against a counter.

“Ah, that feels better. Thanks Miles.” She ruffled his hair. “you’re a good pal.”

He smiled sheepishly. Thanks. But where have you been?”

Castor rubbed the back of her. Where have I been? “uh, I was at Ray’s house helping with laundry when some bees flew through and stung me.”

Miles seemed to accept the answer. “Are you going back?”

Castor nodded. “Yeah, I need to help her finish. Thanks for the help.”

With that she was out the door, before Miles could ask anything else. She began to make her way down the street. A lone horse was trotting down it coming straight in her direction. That was the horse Kalan was riding! Oh Triune, please no! She picked up her pace and turned left down a side street till she reached her friend Ray’s house. And she was doing laundry. Well I didn’t completely lie. She headed for the yard, trying to put Kalan out of her head.


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Sun May 25, 2014 9:18 pm
TimmyJake says...



I don't understand... I have already reviewed this piece. It is a copy of chapter two, isn't it?




Deanie says...


He edited them and reposted them, that's why.



timmyjake says...


ohhhhh.... okay. Should I review it, then? :D



timmyjake says...


Why is it called chapter three, then?



Messenger says...


i switched the order around.



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Mon May 12, 2014 1:27 am
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PeanutPhoebe wrote a review...



Hey Messenger! So at least this time I'm not TOO late in reviewing right? :) wow, it seems like its been forever since you've posted some. I meant to review this the day you posted it, after I read it, but I got involuntarily distracted... So, let me try and remember... Ok, so I don't really remember any grammatical errors, although some of the speech was slightly difficult to read. But it was cool that you changed it to their way of speaking! I like Kinnard and Susie's developing characters. You're telling us a lot by the way they think, speak, and act. Kinnard's god seemed interesting... I did notice however, that you didn't capitalize it, meaning his God was not the true God. Or did you just do that because it's an allegory? Anyway, I really like where you're going with this, but can you please get back to Castor and Kalan? I wanna know what happens..:) So, keep writing!




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Sun May 11, 2014 3:59 am
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Deanie wrote a review...



Messenger, I come baring a review!

Kinnard DD: I know who he is and what role he will play *spoilers* and I am so surprised! I am glad that he is it though, because he seems like a genuinely nice guy, which makes others more likely to follow him. Just see what he has done with gentle Susie here... I also like how you incorporated the challenge here ;) Good job!

I have so few points to speak about it amazes me...

“I think I should get back to work. With Merida acting the way she is, I don’t want to get my boss angry by slacking on work.”


A little repetition of 'work' here. I would suggest ending the last sentence with slacking, because it isn't really necessary for those two extra words. The meaning still comes across perfectly.

No indeed."


You forgot the speech mark at the beginning here. Also, in some parts of the chapter there were some weird punctuation mistakes... but I think they were typos and if you read over this you will find them easily enough yourself. No need for me to go and dig out each little one.

Also, here it might be best to put it is: No, indeed not. Because otherwise I thought he was disagreeing with Susie for a moment, and having that would make it much clearer.

Susie stood there, somewhat in a daze. It sounded so surreal! It sounded so free though. You merely have to visit his mountain twice a year and pray to him. That didn’t sound hard.


Now here is the part I am feeling seriously picky about. It is generally hard from someone to go from not believing in a god of any sort to thinking about joining a religion. Maybe you should make Susie someone who believes there is something out there, but isn't sure any of the religions she knows of covers it quite yet. That would sway her more easily. But generally, she needs more time to think about it than a ten minute conversation to decide whether she fully believes in something or not!

Idea: Don't add 'though' at the end of 'It sounded so free.' Doesn't seem to fit in my opinion ;)

It is time for me to return for the first “Worship on the Mount” as we call it. Travel with me; see if you are willing to follow him in service.”


Again, this is going too fast and seems very suspicious. One moment she doesn't even want to leave her work to take a moment outside with a stranger, and now she is prepared to abandon everything - job, family, (how is she going to get money now?) - and ride off to some mountain with a complete stranger? Sounds a little bit out there, doesn't it? I think this whole part needs to take more time, maybe a few days even. Although Kinnard has wonderful charming abilities, no one could be that good. She would care for her safety and stuff too.

I think you just need to slow down on the pacing a little bit here! (And let us know what is going on with Kalan soon...)

Ever the sage,

Deanie x




Messenger says...


i thought it was fast. Once this challenge is over I may come back and slow this down. Actually, I'm thinking I'll be switching the location of the chapters as well. The first part of this chapter would go earlier on.

Also, some of the mistakes may actually be intentional. Susie has a British style of accent, so she doesn't say some words like Americans would.

~Messenger



Deanie says...


Mm I understand that. But the person who said the whole No indeed thing was Kinnard, and he seems more educated.



Messenger says...


ah well if he made mistakes dats my fault.



Wolfi says...


Ooh so Kinnard is someone special, ja? (German is my second language now, thanks to you xD) This is interesting.....



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Sat May 10, 2014 9:57 pm
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Wolfi wrote a review...



This chapter was very good. The dialogue was a bit too much, though I can tell that you tried your best to input descriptive words, too. I loved the part about the horses. It's very unique that they're twins! Now, onto the nitpicks (may I also add that you did much better in this area then last time):

Susie ran her delicate hands through her golden hair, and picked up her rag.

No comma.
He tossed his black cloak on the wagon seat, and went around the back of the wagon...

Again, no comma.
He patted their big soft noses, which they thoroughly enjoyed,

This sounds like the horses thoroughly enjoyed their soft noses. :D Be sure to fix that.
“Yes they do.

I would put a comma after "yes."
The one you are rubbing, the slightly taller of the two, is Mable, and the smaller one is Winifred.”

If they are twins, shouldn't they be the same size?
Kinnard smiled. “I don’t mean to be rude,

At first, I thought that Susie was the one who started talking. Consider making it clearer that Kinnard was talking.
and what their background is.:

I think you meant to insert a " instead of :
Besides, 'ho says any religion is real,

"'ho" sounds like, well, "ho." Deleting the "w" for dialect purposes doesn't really work with this word.
he left a mark in the rock. The shape of a triangle.”

Try to combine these into: "...he left a mark that was the shape of a triangle imbedded in the rock." I just think it sounds/flows better.
“the early bird, gets the worm!”

Capitalize "the" and no comma.

Now that that's over with, onto the other things! :D
Ugh now I know what my readers will feel like when I have to break off onto another character for a while! Just promise to bring Castor and everyone back soon, ok! ;)
Something tells me that Kinnard knows there is no dragon and he's only tricking Susie, but I'm not certain. He seems like a likable character, although he wears a black cloak, which is iffy.
You did a lot better this time; keep on working! :D




Messenger says...


Hi Wolfie, thanks for the review! I did some editing before posting, so that's probably why it was better. u had to laugh when you stated the sentence about the horses nose. :P I'll definitely work that one a little better, as well as the sentence about the triangle. I have no idea why I put the comma after "the early bird" O.o

I promise Castor will get back next week. Once I'm done the story I'm think of shifting the chapters around to make this after chapter 1. What do you think? :)
Thanks!

~Messenger



Wolfi says...


Yes, I laughed when I noticed the small error about the horse's noses. :D
I'm glad you read through your chapter again this time; it helped a lot! I'm not sure how Kinnard relates to Castor and the rest yet, so I'm not sure how the best chapter placement should be. Go right ahead if you think that that would be best for the reader's comprehension. Remember this little tip, too: by chapter three, a book's storyline should be well under way. Of course, this doesn't pertain to all books, but it's a good rule to follow if you want your readers to be engaged from the very beginning. I was definitely drawn in by the time Kalan's horse galloped into town without a rider, so I think you've done pretty well. However, this whole Kinnard side-story could use a cliffhanger at the end so that we want to come back and hear about him, too. If you've ever read any of the Inheritance Cycle ("Eragon") you'll know what I mean.



Messenger says...


Yeah I was thinking doing it in this order, Chpt 1 pt 1-2, chpt 3 pt 1 and 2, chpt 2 part 1-2, or switch it to: Chpt 1 pt 1-2, chpt 3 pt 1, chpt 2 part 1-2, chpt 3 pt 2.


If that makes any sense :P



Wolfi says...


I think the first arrangement would work best so that your chapters are the same length.



Messenger says...


mm yeah, didn't think of that. :)



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Sat May 10, 2014 7:24 pm
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Ventomology wrote a review...



Splutters nonsense about death HOW COULD YOU, MESSY? YOU AWFUL PERSON! I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO CASTOR AND KALAN AND EVERYONE!

Anyways, I caught a few typos, the most notable being your misuse of 'their'. Excuse me, but the three 'there's are not THAT hard to remember. Also, your dialogue punctuation needs fixing.

Now then... I honestly think this chapter has too much dialogue compared to action and detail. In quiet, slow scenes that involve lots of talking, it's good to also put in visuals, maybe some smells and other sense too. They help to slow down a scene and break up the speaking, making everything more... serene, which is how I would think of this scene.

My other comment is that, I don't know why, but this particular chapter lacks the flow that I've seen in your other work. It may be a lack of transitions, or maybe the fact that thoughts are constantly interrupting the action, but something feels wrong.

And... that's it from me. And pretty please can we go back to Kalan and Castor next week?
Ciao!




Messenger says...


We will go back. Sssh *Pats head* Sorry for the typos. Maybe I should read my stuff before posting . . . naaah :P This chapter was a little slow I'm afraid, but they are out on a flat plain with nothing around. not much excitement there



Deanie says...


You... you review fast D:



Wolfi says...


Yeah, you do!



Ventomology says...


How do I review fast? I don't get it. I just read it as soon as Mess posted it.



Messenger says...


What they mean is, you are faithful in reviewing my chapters when they come out, rather then waiting.




"He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how."
— Fredrich Nietzche (Philosopher)