Ocean soul,
open your beautiful eyes
and transcend beyond your mind’s lies
I found the definition of beauty
when I met the ocean
and I saw
night’s poetic collision
We are ocean souls,
and that,
is the most beautiful part
We are ocean souls,
despite the darkness in our hearts
Descend beyond your periphery
and embrace your core
love every
dripping
beautiful
marvelous drop
of your canvas
fear and pain
can never wash your soul away
We’re so broken
but we have pretty ocean eyes
Ocean soul,
you’re beautiful,
you know?
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
I really like how you are comparing this to an ocean. I am absolutely in love with the ocean and all it's beauty, so this was wonderful to read.
Everything flowed wonderfully and it spoke of beauty.
The only thing I can find is at the end.
Ocean soul,
you’re beautiful,
you know?
I feel like this doesn't fit with the rest of it, and it ends suddenly. I get the message you're trying to portray, but I think there is another way you could say it.
Again, wonderful job.
Okay, this is good and all but whats with the changing of perspective? The first you are talking directly to the ocean's soul, and second you are talking to yourself/reader. It's confusing and awkward sounding.
Secondly, poetry is an amazing tool to show and not tell. You tell us how beautiful the ocean's eyes have effected you but you never showed us what they look like. Therefor, it's not really a story or a scene but thoughts and abstractions. Not only this, you leave the thought stating that you want the ocean to leave it's lies, without explanation.
Anyways, my two arguments are supporting this theory that it is ambiguous and it is disconnected/awkward. You change perspectives and you don't show us what is going on, and some thoughts of yours are left without clarifying or making a point.
Again, one of my main concerns is that your descriptive words are beautiful and marvelous; this hardly paints a picture for the reader. Why sould the reader take your word for it without evidence; tell us why water is different then other substances ect. You could possibly describe the water as shapeless, cold, clear but what you're really trying to do is make the reader feel it themselves; so water is a very hard thing to create image wise.
I feel like you are trying here but you're falling short and forcing yourself to rewrite and messing again and it just makes it worse; you should be trying to cram as much meaning and story into as little words as possible and you're repeating that the ocean is beautiful and marvelous.
___________
I like that your message is so positive but I don't feel like the content made it work; if it was only about the ocean's eyes then that should have been it's main focus, but you go into and out of many idea's so quickly that I'm confused.
"We" is humanity. "Ocean Soul" is an individual human, or individual humans. "Your" is you. I am talking directly to the reader.
"you" go from talking to the ocean soul and then "you" start talking to the reader/yourself and then "I" get confused. Regardless of how right you think you are, you say your thank you's and ask questions if you want. How rude.
I wasn't meaning to be rude at all. I was just explaining the point of views.
I appreciate your review and I never said I thought I was right. I was just trying to explain.
Hey there, MusicManda7!
Glad to see your work shared with us! Be sure to get out there and read and review other members' work, too, 'cause you can learn a lot from thinking up a review and then apply it to your own writing, too~~
So, I understand where the motivation to try to write this poem came from. The idea of an ocean soul -- just the sparks of thoughts that flash across our minds when we try to define or create what that is. Is it the soul of the ocean? Is it the soul of the ocean in us? Is it just our soul, but our souls are oceans? You know, there are so many ways that it can go, the idea is intriguing.
The main thing that I think could be improved would be trying to figure out exactly what you want to say, and that comes from maybe just letting the poem rest a bit and coming back to it later. Later, a few days or a few weeks later, you look at it again and say, "Is this what I wanted to say? Do I care to say anything about this anymore?" If you feel like editing and working on it, then you put it under the knife again and try to fix it up right.
I say this because as I read it, I got the impression that it was just allowed to flow out. And no, I have nothing against letting words flow out! That's how writing gets done! But it can also mean that the poem is only significant to the person who wrote it who can understand all the meanings in it and the connections.
Readers are coming at the poem from a different place. They want to be presented with some level of the author's thought, generally, so they can try to pull out the intended or allowed message.
I'm confused with this current poem because I don't know if it's a poem in the second person or a poem that includes me -- you switch between addressing a "you" and speaking with "we". I also don't know what the voice is telling me, either -- just that I'm beautiful?
Maybe it's just my personality, but I'd like concrete reasons why. ;D hahha.
What makes the ocean soul beautiful? What makes it so the soul cannot wash away?
What connection do the pretty ocean eyes have to the ocean soul?
I hope these thoughts are somewhat helpful to you.
Let me know if you have any questions or comments about my review through PM or a reply to this review.
Good luck and keep writing!!
That was really beautiful. The ocean and its mysteries also captivate me, but you made me think so much more about it. I would like to know more about if the ocean was a symbol or not. I love this poem and think you did a great job.
Thank you so much! I write or refer to the ocean in almost every poem I write; to me it has become a huge metaphor for everything I am and stand for. If you'd like I could post more poems that have to do with it. To me the ocean symbolizes what humanity is, it is vast and brilliant, with a bright surface, yet dark and deep all the same. It goes through storms that wreak havoc on it's waters yet emerges beautifully from these storms. It is home to dark creatures as well as beautiful creatures, and is home to some of the most unique species. It is full of potential and variety, and to me, it represents the essence of what humanity is.
Even just you describing the ocean was beautiful. And I could get behind more ocean metaphors