Young Writers Society

Hey! Rurouni here to review!
May Poetry Exchange 2014!


Let me tell you, you had me counting your lines and everything to ensure it was a villanelle. I'm not very familiar with the style, so be proud you had me look into this more!

I won't nitpick at your rhyming, though I would agree it might sound better with the rhyming of the Tercet.

Anyways! Let me review away!

Shy and unsure,
it's easy to feel like
a songbird caged.

Hello!
This was very simple. I enjoyed it's simplicity and meaning.
I don't really think you need any rhyme here. I'm happy you didn't have it, actually because most likely the rhyme would be forced in places, and I'm of an opinion that no rhymes are better than forced ones (I'm such a hypocrite ). Because this doesn't rhyme, I'd hesitate to call it a villanelle. The repeated lines remind me of those few songs birds know, they repeat the same thing over and over, but it's beautiful each time. This is like that. And you give a new meaning each time you repeat a line.

I think this needs a little bit more string to connect things together, if you know what I mean. I feel like you jump around a bit. Were you referring to a canary the whole time, or just that one stanza? Make it clear! And regardless if you were or you weren't, connect that fact to the other stanzas.
This is another way you should connect them together.
The first stanza is an introductory stanza, it doesn't really need to be connected in a way that makes sense, as it's connected to the whole poem! Same with the conclusion.

it's easy to feel like
a songbird caged.

It's hard to remember
there is a reason
a songbird is caged.

Stumbling and blind,

Hey there!

Hecate to review Apologies for not getting to this sooner, but I am amid cramming for exams at the moment.

I like the overall flow of the poem, and I think the poem itself sounds beautiful. I'd like to concentrate mostly on meaning/ imagery within it.

I can't help but wonder whether your influence for the caged bird comes from Maya Angelou's "I know why the caged bird sings". It's one of my favorite poems, so the moment I read that first line it reminded me of it. This is either good or bad, depending on what you want your poem to evoke, of course.

A songbird caged,
locked away in the dark,
to be a signal to all.

Canaries, so delicate,
used in a coal mine
to be a signal to all.

It's hard to remember
there is a reason
a songbird is caged.

Stumbling and blind,
we need someone
to be a signal to all.

Hi there, I am here to review!


I will start with the nitpicks first.

At times I wonder
if it's a bad thing, to be
a songbird caged.
To be a signal to all.

I've actually only encountered a few villanelle and that was in certain Literature classes, so frankly I'm a little unsure of the exact technical parts of it and if I spout out something completely crazy just ignore me.

However, I do have proficient experience as a reader and can give you some feedback on that!

For the most part this poem actually seems quite strong to me. It has a unique, but recognizable pattern throughout and maintains a flow despite the restrictions of the pattern. The phrase "to be a signal to all" is a little choppy or a bit of a mouthful to me and it may fit better if slightly altered to "as a signal to all." That may or may not work for the fifth stanza (which seems like it depends on the "to be") so perhaps you think of something better in a way to condense it or maybe a different phrase altogether with similar/exact meaning? Other than that the flow and the two key lines seem like they work well together.

I do find the fourth verse a little out of place. I see how the fifth verse is used to sort of "reinforce" or "answer" the unspoken question the fourth introduces (which, to me, was "why do we need a songbird caged?") but really you don't have to ask that question when it was answered or explained at the very beginning--"A songbird [is] caged---to be a signal to all." The fourth verse seems still versus the dynamics of the other verses and I feel like it is taking the reader back rather than bringing them forward.

In the end, thought, to me, the main concern is that the author is pleased, so you must work with the critiques and find what fits as only you know what you want. I liked this poem a lot and, as I mentioned in the beginning, thought it was extremely strong. It was also a very pretty villanelle from my limited experience and was able to keep the same idea and not bore the reader despite the repeating phrases required.

Thank you so much for sharing and if you have any questions or desire to discuss anything from the review you can reply or PM me anytime!

-Bright

Ohh, I always like the trickiness and delicacy of a villanelle, and I think you worked through that tricky form and came out with a genuine meaning, which is like the hardest thing to do, haha.

Here are some things I think could be improved as you think about rhyming:

1. Try to avoid the strange old-timey language that is not necessary and increases the distance between your poem and the reader. Phrases like "a signal to all" is a little awkward, 'cause we'd more naturally say "a signal for everybody" or "a signal everyone can see" or something clunkier.

2. Try to keep a flow of meaning from the beginning to the end. Right now, it's a little choppy. For example, the second stanza doesn't seem to fit with any of the others, which kind of focus on the coal mines and feeling blind. The second stanza is about feeling like the bird, which is a feeling not found in any of the other parts, except revisited at the last stanza. Confusing. There are two ideas floating around here, and I'm not saying you can't work with both of them, but you'll have to try to weave them a little tighter.



I hope this review is helpful to you! This is a great idea and I know you can get it to the level you want it at!
PM or comment on the review if you have questions~
Good luck and keep writing!

Hannah