Hi there! Noelle back again for a Review Day review!
Ah, so now all of the events in chapter 1 make sense. I'm glad that you explained that early on in this chapter. Now I feel like all of my questions are answered. Well, maybe not all of them, but definitely a large majority of them. Some of this explanation could've been well used in chapter 1. For example, the part about growing up in a war infested area. You could've easily snuck in a worry or two that Ira had that something would happen while she was asleep and she'd wake up to gun shots. Something along those lines. Make sense? Basically I'm saying that I would've liked to see a bit more information about Ira and Taqeef's lives in the first chapter.
Again, your voice here is really strong and you write this story well. Even though there isn't a lot of description of the surroundings, I feel like I'm traveling alongside Ira and Taqeef as they attempt to escape their old lives. I think that is all thanks to your character development. I feel like your characters are real people and I understand who they are and what they want. It's rare that you find that in such an early chapter. Good job with that.
I like the scene where Ira steals those apples and they race out of the market. It's a great action scene and I want to point out a few things just so you can make it better:
1) There's no way that Ira would get away with stealing something in a crowded market without someone noticing her do it. I'd suggest putting in somewhere that when she turned back around there was a woman, or man, eyeing her suspiciously. That then could cause her to be a bit panicky and decide to run.
2)
yet they ran and ran without turning back.
Alright, I don't want to sound mean, but I really hate it when people write stuff like "they ran and ran" or they "thought and thought" or they "ate and ate". If they ran a long while, say they ran a long while. If they thought a lot, say they thought a lot. The way you wrote it actually slows down the pace. Instead of me imagining them racing through the market, I imagine them just running without an end. Which is what you were trying to describe, but at the same time you want to give the impression that they're hustling to get out of there. You want to keep the pace fast at this point.
“We better get going before the men come searching for us.”
You still haven't explained why the men are so important. This sentence has so much potential. It could really tug at my emotions for one thing. If the men kill anyone who leaves the village, that would make me feel darn right nervous for Ira and Taqeef. See? Right now it's just an empty sentence to me. I want to feel something when I read it. Let me feel the panic and desperation that Ira is feeling. Let me feel the nonchalantness that Taqeef feels. I don't just want to know how your characters are feeling. I want to feel those same emotions as well.
The only other thing I have to say about this chapter is that there is a lot of dialogue. Dialogue is always good, but you don't want to have too much of it. In the second half of the chapter, after the asterisks, there is no description. Where are your characters now? Are they just hanging out in the desert? Do they have any shelter? Do they have anywhere to go or is there just plain, empty desert in front of them. I want to have a clear picture in my mind as to their surroundings. I know about your characters, now tell me about your setting and their surroundings.
Like I said before, you write this story very well. Keep up the good work. In future chapters I would like to see some more descriptions as well as some more backstory.
Please let me know when you post the next chapter! I would love to read it
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417
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