It
Lies with in
A line of daisies scattered on your desk top
It beats softly
As a badly-folded paper heart
Sails overhead and lands askew
In your workbook
It lingers
In the small smiles
Of passer-bys
Is a ribbon of wind
An upside-down map;
The shadow of an owl
A silver of tomorrow.
It melts upon your lips and your pulsing heart,
It shows in the sunlight that streams through the winter clouds.
Light up this lonely world
With one more smile, and you'll see
Happiness isn't hard.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
This poem was very good and very poetic. I really liked how you said...
I didn't see any mistakes in in spelling or grammar. That rolls along right with punctuation. No errors in this either. I didn't see any mistakes in this poem. I had a very good message. I thought the good message was
This poem is one of a kind. I really enjoyed it.
I hope you keep writing more and more. Keep up the good work.
Love,
Dogsrule5
I won't lie. Capitalizing the first letter of every line always makes me thing it's an acrostic poem.
Thank you, Laure, for telling me this deep message:
ILAIASIIIOIATAIILWH.
Hahaha.
Okay, now as for the actual material of the poem. I was definitely a bigger fan of the more physical exploration of your topic. I loved the images. I loved the paper heart flying through the air, the upside down map, the shadow of an owl. These are concrete, specific images that become really clear in my mind.
When the poem took a vaguer path, though, like when you wrote "It melts upon your lips and your pulsing heart", I felt like it was reverting to the sweetness of the mundane happiness poems before it.
It's a really, really hard thing to write a happy poem, because if you're not feeling happiness right then, you don't get it usually, and if you are, you don't need it. And if we don't need or don't get poetry, then it's not really working, right?
The concrete images that I loved, I loved because they were full of the happiness of existence. They were specific and made me engage with the poem by imagining them. There are so many little things in our lives that we enjoy. I think it's a pretty universal phenomenon. And even if they're not always things we enjoy in common, we can appreciate the value of specific-ness? haha.
So, generally, I'd say explore a more specific side to this poem and see if it makes you any happier.
PM or comment if you have questions about my review.
Good luck and keep writing and congrats on going green.