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125,006 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
Lumi, babe!
That's a bit of a mouthful, there. Try simplifying it. Maybe try "the stars were fair."All right, so I saw this before, and I've come back to review, as requested. ^_^
I love it, first of all. It's so full of stuff, like an old attic waiting to be explored.
That being said, there are a few things I'd like to look at with a magnifying glass.
This is a really interesting line, but I'm confused as to what "they" are. The stars? The notes the subject "read"? (If you're referring to this, I think you meant "wrote" there) Clear this up so I can think about the image, and not where it's from.
AHHHH SOOOO GOOD (If you'll excuse my caps)
Did you mean "sampling"?
You use whispering in a prominent kind of way in the first stanza; I suggest finding a different word here.
I feel like if you're going to leave "it" in there, you should have some sort of punctuation after "love". It feels weird with no punctuation.
You start in the present tense, but switch when you say "pulled". So either say "are pulled" or "pull", depending on which is more appropriate for the image you want to create.
Because you use "i know" in this sentence, the subject and the verb are "i know" respectively. When you say "it", grammatically, it refers to the subject of the sentence, so it's a little confusing. Here, "i know" is not needed in this poem, so you can easily remove it without poor consequence.
in ii, I really like your juxtaposition of the months. A+.
Honestly, I don't really understand what iii has to do with the rest of the poem. On the bright side, it's beautiful.
HOw do you have so many good lines?
Lonesome makes me think of cowboys, so if I were you, I'd say lonely, but that's probably one of those personal associations that pertains to no one else, so do what you want to with that.
Altogether, this is super fab. I hope this proves helpful to you! Happy writing!
Morning, Ty. Let's talk poeting.
This has really really weird wording and kind of makes you stop when you read it. I can't quite put my finger on it, but there's something odd there.
this is gorgeous and might be my favorite line out of the whole thing.
I think it would be more powerful if it was armies, not army men.
Hm... This ending isn't as strong as what I've seen from you. The blinking away lonesome nights and long days thing is a bit cliche, and the poem has been so gorgeous up until now and the last line is at odds with that. You know how I am with last lines, I spend more time on them than the poem as a whole, and I wish you would have spent longer on this one. It flows well but the cliche imagery just doesn't do it for me.
I keep re-reading this poem because it's absolutely gorgeous. It has a very fragile voice and you can hear the love in every syllable. I love that. The language does not stop flowing (except for that little tid-bit at the beginning) the entire time. Which is impressive, considering you change formats between each poem. Another thing I loved. My only problem was iii. It felt out of place. Even though it was gorgeous, and the mail line was probably my second favorite, it was stuck between two stanzas about two people, and it's just talking about one and pulling apart bones. I'm not sure it's really needed, and if it is, I'm not sure what it's trying to tell me. All the other stanzas spoke to me, but this one just made my brain confused cause it was like 'wait, we're talking about one person instead of two?'. While the entire poem is directed at someone, in the other stanzas it doesn't feel like the narrator is missing from the story. The narrator is always waiting in the wings, ready to dash in with a little bit of themself while they're talking about someone else. And I think that, right there, is what bothers me about iii. There's no narrator putting themselves in it. It's just there. And so we don't get the emotion that's laced through all the other stanzas.
But as always, this was gorgeous. u rite purty.
Sizzle <3
Hi,
-Crosa here for review:
This is a wonderful piece of writing. I enjoyed reading it multiple times. You have created a real essence of emotion and thought throughout.
I love the structure and the use of no capitals, it gives the impression of secret thoughts being shared.
Sections "i" and "ii" really convey a sense of loss to me and I truly adore the line:
"that name that vanished like the wind in august, that left sunburn beneath my eyes."
The only suggestion that I can truly say is that I dont love the double use of silence in the last part,
"...to tumble through the popping jaw of asia and find a final silence in the ocean where the greatest sound is silence beneath the ruined sky."
I think it takes emphasis from the meaning personally and would benefit from being changed.
Additionally I would love to read a more literal authors note alongside this piece, even just a sentence. I fully understand, however, that often it is an authors intention to not have such a note.
Thanks for posting this it is work that will resonate with me for the day if not longer I'm certain.
-Crosa
Wow. This is really good!
I didn't find any grammar or spelling mistakes, which is good
I love how you didn't capitalize, to me it just makes everything seem like it fits together. I like how it all flows and how you described everything, like here:
Your piece gives me chills and I love your writing style.
Hugs!
~Alice