Lumi, babe!
All right, so I saw this before, and I've come back to review, as requested. ^_^
I love it, first of all. It's so full of stuff, like an old attic waiting to be explored.
That being said, there are a few things I'd like to look at with a magnifying glass.
That's a bit of a mouthful, there. Try simplifying it. Maybe try "the stars were fair."the stars had been more fair.
This is a really interesting line, but I'm confused as to what "they" are. The stars? The notes the subject "read"? (If you're referring to this, I think you meant "wrote" there) Clear this up so I can think about the image, and not where it's from.they would have featured cartoons drawn in ball-point pen, and one or two would have been taken by the teacher.
AHHHH SOOOO GOOD (If you'll excuse my caps)your only loss, i think, is that these notes do not smell like my cologne, or maybe that they don’t come in my handwriting. it’s for the best, though, because both of these things change and dissolve over time.
Did you mean "sampling"?sapling sips of wine
You use whispering in a prominent kind of way in the first stanza; I suggest finding a different word here.sputtering, whispered end,
I feel like if you're going to leave "it" in there, you should have some sort of punctuation after "love". It feels weird with no punctuation.this love
it is overwhelming
You start in the present tense, but switch when you say "pulled". So either say "are pulled" or "pull", depending on which is more appropriate for the image you want to create.our words are sacred and pulled tight
Because you use "i know" in this sentence, the subject and the verb are "i know" respectively. When you say "it", grammatically, it refers to the subject of the sentence, so it's a little confusing. Here, "i know" is not needed in this poem, so you can easily remove it without poor consequence.though i know the human heart is tender, it did not hesitate to fall into hands as soft as may.
in ii, I really like your juxtaposition of the months. A+.
Honestly, I don't really understand what iii has to do with the rest of the poem. On the bright side, it's beautiful.
HOw do you have so many good lines?where the greatest sound is void beneath the ruined sky.
Lonesome makes me think of cowboys, so if I were you, I'd say lonely, but that's probably one of those personal associations that pertains to no one else, so do what you want to with that.lonesome nights.
Altogether, this is super fab. I hope this proves helpful to you! Happy writing!
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