z

Young Writers Society


12+

Battle Dress

by Cairo


all pale pale skin and ivory skies
she slips, a slim figure, into
a soft and clinging black material
that stops just before her fingertips
and just after a hateful love affair.

she likes, more than anything,
the fire that dances across her face
when she paints slow circles
with a crimson stroke of ink.

the innocence that lives
in her ivory and pale pink tresses
hides beneath a greater purpose;
her smooth feet fall gracefully
into furious heels, high enough
to make heaven jealous –
or, just him.

when the stars are faultless
and her war painted lips rub away
the feeling of his skin
she takes slow steps out
a forgotten door of vagrancy.

he sees her in the dim light,
arms crossed shields on a dark
shirt on a dark dark body,
and his eyes wander
as restlessly as ever.

she watches, and she knows this look,
the very same want in his eyes
she knew before, his teeth
catching skin and pulling
on soft lips, she knows this look.

he whispers, again, the words
she knows he only speaks to her:
so different from the words
he uses to others, but
nothing worth the time
they’d spent at war.

so the smile on her face
is as devilish as her heels
and the way she turns her cheek
holds a tragic finality.

all pale pale skin and ivory skies,
she slips out of the dress
and out of his life
with his words in her mind
that will never ever leave
(funny, though – that she can leave.)
(funny, though – he never will.)

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87 Reviews

Points: 6040
Reviews: 87

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Wed May 07, 2014 8:36 pm
Starleene wrote a review...



Hai there, Cairo!

So I read this yesterday, thought I reviewed it, but I guess not. My bad. Well here I am to correct this dire mistake.

I can't even review grammar or punctuation because you nailed it, like a boss.

Pretty much this will be a review on how much I love this piece, ok..go:

This was amazing and beautifully written. Just the fact that you had no mistakes shows how much work you put into this piece. Love it.
To be honest, I had no idea who either of the characters were but, surprisingly, that didn't stop me from reading or liking this. I love the mystery and the intrigue and plus, the dark undertones are the icing on the cake. I feel the struggle and it had me on the edge of my seat. One of the things that I like about this is that you kept it uncluttered to with words and punctuation. Sometimes less is more and I feel like it worked here. Congrats.

I'm not sure if this helped....but I had to voice this or I would have exploded. Love this. Love you. Love your work.

Keep on keeping on.

Much love,

Star!




Cairo says...


Bahahaha, I'm glad I can do something "like a boss."

I actually hadn't intended dark undertones but I'm really glad it worked out that way! When I reread it I totally can see them being there though.

Thanks a bunch for the review! c: I really appreciate it.



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Points: 797
Reviews: 4

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Wed May 07, 2014 1:50 pm
Xanthia wrote a review...



Review #3 !!

This isn't as much a review as it is a collection of compliments to the writer.

I particularly enjoyed stanzas five, six, and seven. The silent interaction--wandering gazes, lip biting, crossed arms--was really well written. The description of both characters was brought out in a very tactful manner.

There was actually a dark undertone to the poem. I loved that.

I'd suggest you try other words instead of "ivory and pale pink tresses." There are so many more words for colors and I'd like to see them used here. The slight, but noticeable repetition was great for some parts, such as the first and final stanzas, but I don't think it worked in this part. "Fair" would work just fine. Or flaxen.

Now: The ending. Your ending was marvelous. The fact that it rhymed at first threw me off a bit, but it also gave the stanza a rhythm that admittedly made me giddy. The final two lines were probably my favorite. They just hit you and leave you reeling for a moment, you know?

Like I said, it wasn't much of a review because I only had one nitpick, but I really enjoyed reading this and hope to read more. Good job and keep writing!

-X




Cairo says...


Hey! Thanks for the review!

I think you're right about overusing ivory and pink... I was trying out a technique someone suggested on another poem about things repeating in threes, but I think considering the size of the poem I overdid it. I'm going to see what else I can do for description. Part of the reason it's there is I want it to contrast with the darkness of the other person, but too much pink is simply too much! C:

Thanks again!




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