z

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

Snow: The Tale of A Cold Heart (Part VI)

by Snowery


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

A/N Hey guys! It's been a while since I last posted a chapter for this story but here it is! :) Hopefully it's alright though, I've been experimenting with styles of writing so I'm not too sure how it'll go down but hey, live on the edge right? :D

The snow billowed and the wind bellowed.

Lia was frozen to the core and on the edge of her patience. Her food supply was worryingly low, and her nose felt dangerously close to falling off. It was well into the snow season in the mountains now and very much like being trapped in an eternal snow storm. Something flickered in the distance.

There it is again, she thought.

Lia had heard of stories about floating lights that magically appeared when all hoped seemed lost. Follow them, it was said, and you will find your grave. For a long time Lia had tried to avoid the pretty lights. She had tried heading in the opposite direction but the storm was so heavy that she would walk back to where she had started. It was always there in the distance, waiting for her. The strange thing was though, that unlike the legends, the light never seemed to move. It had never tried to guide her, coax her or lure her in any way.

Not a pushy kind of phantom light I guess.

She leaned her back against a tree and tried to take a deep breath. She wasn't the type to succumb to temptation but a week in the woods did things to you. None of them good. Lia glanced at the hovering light, it didn't seem to be particularly ominous.

She took a step towards it.

It wasn't really that intimidating.

Another step.

Not like it might lead her towards something that might see her as a snack.

Another couple of steps.

In fact the closer she got to it, the more it was suspiciously beginning to look like an ordinary lantern.

More steps.

Or more precisely a lantern attached to the verandah of a building.

A lot more faster steps.

A building called... the Jolly Goat?

She was now barely a few paces from the “Jolly Goat.” The light was not some sort of spectre and the building seemed to be only a common inn. Instead, a warm bed and hearty home cooked meal awaited her.

Food...

Lia smiled, marched forward and pushed open the inn's doors. Walking in she could feel the heat radiating from a giant hearth in the centre of the common room. The dining tables were scattered around it and those seated seemed to be mainly weary travellers, mountaineers and soldiers.

Know your surroundings.

The lessons from her father were so ingrained into her that it had now become second nature, instinct even.

Memorise the layout. Search for a secondary exit. Keep a weapon close.

Lia had a secret short sword tucked into the folds of her long coat. Just in case she couldn't get to her sword on her back on time or if she lost it somehow. She made her way to the counter at the back of the room. A young man had been sitting on a stool just behind it but got up as she approached. He slowly hobbled over.

Recently injured, she mused, or born lame. She pushed of her cloak's hood.

Can I help ya?” he asked kindly, smiling at her.

Yes,” she replied, “a meal and a room for the night thanks.”

No problem. How does venison soup sound?” he asked, with another smile.

As long as it's hot I'll like it.”

He smiled at her again.

He's a smiler, this one.

He reached under the counter and pulled out a key from a container. “Here ya go. Room twelve. Have a seat, I'll get someone ta send out your soup soon.”

She nodded her thanks and set off to find herself an empty table. All the ones near the hearth were packed so she picked an empty one on the outskirts. She sat down and pulled off her wet gloves. Massaging her numb fingers, she tried to get the blood moving again. After several minutes a plump girl with auburn hair brought her soup. Lia put her hands around the bowl for a minute and let them soak up the warmth before picking up her spoon and digging in. The soup was good and hot, and she ate ravenously while keeping an eye out for was going on in the room. Two men adjacent to her seemed to be engaged in a lively conversation.

I don't believe ya,” said one. He was a weathered old man dressed in sheep skin.

Nah, I'm tellin' ya Duttor, the market fer goats are still good,” said the other who was scraggly looking man with a hook shaped nose. “I sold ma Grelda the other day fer 300 coppers.”

That's madness!” exclaimed the one called Duttor. “I sold ma foal fer that price!”

Aye, yuv been played,” hook-nose chuckled before continuing softly, “though ya know, that could all change soon.”

What makes ya say that?”

Haven't ya heard? The Averence is dead.”

Duttor still looked unconvinced. “What's that got ta do with goat prices?”

Hook-nose sighed and sipped his drink. “Everyone knows the Emperor's been wantin' ta wage war with Ascerai for years now, the only one holdin' him back was the Averence, bless him, and now that he's gone they say the Emperor's goin' full steam ahead.”

Ah,” realisation seemed to have dawned upon Duttor. “A war with Ascerai would drive goat prices down?”

No ya dullard! Food'll be more scarce, it'll drive the prices up.”

Duttor smiled, “Well, then that's a good thing then! I'll sell ma Fellie fer a killin'!”

Hook-nosed was silent for a minute before saying, “I suppose, it depends which way ya look at it.”

The two men fell into silence and resumed eating their forgotten meals.

Lia's own bowl was almost empty and was contemplating ordering another when the inn doors opened and three well built, black-clad men strode in. Each carried a deadly looking sword at their belt and wore black silk masks. Each had a ring upon their left middle finger. Lia felt her heart jump into her mouth.

Why...? she thought.

No one watched as they passed through. No one wanted to draw attention to themselves. No one wanted to be noticed by the Illyari, the Emperor's special guard, his deadliest assassins. The young man who had served her before hobbled out to meet them.

Lia stared into her bowl and tried to be inconspicuous, not wanting to reveal her burning curiosity. The Emperor's men! she thought. Why are they here?

Hello, sirs! How can I help ya today?” he called.

The men ignored him and started walking around the inn, looking at the people seated. After a moment one of them walked up to the young man and said, “We are looking for two people. A young man of seventeen years. He's travelling with a child of about 11. She's an albino.”

Albino?

Albino? I've never seen one in ma life.” replied the young man. “We don't have any youths travelling with a child anyway.”

The Illyari stared at him, before turning to his comrades as they ceased their searching and joined him.

Anything?” he barked.

They shook their heads at him. He made as if to leave before pausing and turning bock to the young innkeeper.

By any chance have also seen a young girl? Around sixteen years of age, half Allurian.”

Panic seized her chest, they were looking for her! It was the Emperor who had killed her parents? Her heart began pounding so fast that she feared it would burst from her chest and fall into her soup.

The young man shook his head, “No blondes in this room as ya can see, sir.”

It was true, the room was only filled with the Liandorean browns and blacks and the Ascerian auburns. The Illyari gave the innkeeper one last look before gesturing to his companions. As they exited the inn, Lia could almost feel everyone in the inn release a breath. She realised that she had her hands had clenched into fists and when she opened them they started tremble. Scared that someone might see, she shoved them under the table.

They could have searched a little better don't ya think, Fidor?” asked Duttor.

The goat men sure love to talk, thought Lia. She was still trying to get her heart to resume beating.

Shh, keep it down ya dimwit. These are dangerous time as ya can see.” warned the hook-nosed man.

Well, I'm right aren't I? All they did was look at some faces. They didn't even check the rooms.”

Fidor glanced around before saying. “Don't ya know anything? These mountains are out of the Emperor's power. He has ta share them with Ascerai.”

Well, m family has always seen them as Liandorean.” declared Duttor as he sipped his drink.

And mine have have seen them as Ascerian. It just depends on who ya ask.”

Lia was feeling sick now. She couldn't tell if it was because she had eaten too fast or whether it was because of the visit from the Illyari. If she had to pick she would say the latter, but it didn't matter because either way she had indigestion. She got up from her table, picked up her bag and wove her way through the maze of tables and up the stairs. When she reached the landing she searched for her room. The place had a nice pine smell to it, from all the wood. Just like-

Home.

She inhaled a ragged breath and tried to search faster. Finally, she found room twelve, she fumbled with the keys as she tried to unlock the door. Once she got it open she stumbled inside and threw everything she was holding onto the floor. The room was threadbare with nothing but a mattress and some blankets in the middle. She was feeling horribly sick now, she could feel bile rising up to her throat. Lia looked around desperately before finding a bucket in the corner of the room. She grabbed it before kneeling and retching heavily; bile, bits of venison and saliva all being thrown back into it. She had come so close to being found, only her mother's darkening cream had saved her. Tears streamed from her eyes as she heaved out more of the once delicious soup.

Pa, why do you always wear that ring?” she remembered once asking her father.

Her father had gestured to the one on his left middle finger and said, “This one? This is a blood ring, sweetie, it marks me as one of the Emperor's men. It shows that I am always bound to him, by iron and by blood.”

Lia gave another heave as the contents of her stomach emptied and as she retched into the night, she cried for all that she had lost.


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Wed Jun 18, 2014 5:30 am
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Deanie wrote a review...



Hey there Silver!

Eee I am only two chapters away from being all caught up! And I guess this is the first big time jump between chapters. Surprisingly there isn't much difference here from the previous chapters, which mean they flow into each other really well ;) Which is a good thing. I think you've got a style set down for when it comes to this story, and you seem to slip right back into it! I think you also brought Lia to life in this chapter. I am so glad she had that scare because we got to see a lot of her emotions, and you brought across her grief amongst the indigestion across perfectly as well. Awesome job. I remember you mentioning you felt like this needed more emotion, but this chapter had the perfect amount. And now we know the Emperor is out looking for all of them! Ooh the suspense...

Again I don't have much to say because that meanie awesome reviewer Birkhoff has stolen basically covered all of the main points. I feel like I am just picking off the minor leftovers. So, here goes anyways.

It was well into the snow season in the mountains now and very much like being trapped in an eternal snow storm.


I feel like the 'now and very much like' are so many short words one after the other that we stumble over this sentence and it doesn't flow very well. How about something like 'in the mountains and Lia felt like she was trapped in an eternal snow storm?'

I've mentioned this before, and even though it has improved I still feel like you use she an awful lot! Seeing as this is all in third person you can add her name in there a bit more than just once every paragraph ;)

It wasn't really that intimidating.

Another step.

Not like it might lead her towards something that might see her as a snack.


I actually did think this worked for you, because we were anticipating where the light could take her. To her grave or not? Also, when she mentions how it is kind of a lazy phantom light I laughed because it just sounded so Lia. More moments like those please ^.^

What I did want to say about this though, was that seeing as they are all separate sentences, I feel like you should make them all full sentences. So it means that last line in the quote there needs to have an 'it's' at the beginning to make it a complete sentence.

Or more precisely a lantern attached to the verandah of a building.


I didn't know there were two spellings of the word veranda until now O.o You are completely right with verandah too, but I just guess you learn something new every day ;) I would put a comma after precisely here.

Now, if there is anything I have learnt from cycling for two hours every day through the freezing ice and snow during winter, I know that going from the freezing cold into the heat hurts. And I don't simply mean hurts, but HURTS. And for Lia, she is definitely going to suffer because unlike me, it's not just her hands and feet that are frozen, but her whole body that has been out there for an entire week! Just imagine, your blood veins or whatever they are called shrink in the cold after being there for a very long time. You shiver, you have goosebumps, your heat transfers to your core to keep the vital things going and with no food to replenish your energy you're just getting colder and colder. And then you step into the heat and your body starts to push all the heat from your core back into the edges of your body. Yes, you can feel this. It's like someone is pushing an ice block through your fingers slowly so it comes through the other end, and I think Lia would be likely to cry from the pain even. Just something that might be worth mentioning? It's not easy to go from freezing cold to heat.

By any chance have also seen a young girl?


You're missing the word 'you' after the word have.

Finally, she found room twelve, she fumbled with the keys as she tried to unlock the door.


Run on sentence here! There needs to be a full stop instead of a comma after the word 'twelve,' or at least have the word 'and' there instead. It's your choice, whatever you prefer to replace it with.

Other than that, this was a pretty flawless chapter. Reading this I thought I should mention Lia would probably end up throwing up, eating all that food so fast after starving for a week. But then, you mentioned it yourself, so good job there ;) This story just keeps getting better and better :D I am going to read on!

Deanie x




Silverlock says...


Ooooh, thanks for the cold to hot thing! That will definitely be incorporated in the edit :D Thanks for another awesome review! :D



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Tue Jun 03, 2014 11:38 pm
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Alchemist wrote a review...



Hello there! I see that this chapter didn't get much love, so I came here.

Actually there isn't very much to revieiw here. Since you are native english speaker, it's natural that you have exceptional vocabulary. Some words and phrases I even had to look up since they were uncommon.

This is a very well written, nice to read. Lia's struggle is really realistic, that battle of survival she has to lead all on her own. I wonder if she will ever meet with Tallon and his kid sister, since she could relate to them just here.

I also like that small chat the people have, though I think you might be overusing the "ya" thing a bit. Didn't you use it already before? I doubt all the man would have the same accent. Or well, it is up to you to decide, I don't see why they couldn't.

I'm really eager to see where the main plot is going towards; the war with Ascerai or something related to Avarence and Tallon since I'm still not completely sure about what is the position of the Avarence. Or it could be something about Lia perhaps? All together? Who knows, there might be an incredible plot twist just behind the corner, and I wouldn't be surprised.

I had already reviewed your last chapter, so now I'm on the wait again! :)

-Alchemist




Silverlock says...


Hello Alchy!! Thank you for your review! :)

Yes, Lia will meet with Tallon and she will meet with his sister at some point.
I know what you mean, I did this chapter before the other one you reviewed and intended the "ya" thing to be a mountain accent so I was kind of hesitant to use it for the sailor. I might end up changing it.
Hopefully the other questions will be answered in the story! :)
Thank you again for your lovely review :)



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Sun May 25, 2014 1:47 am
Milanimo wrote a review...



Hello!
I apologize for it to take so long to get a second review.

Anyway, this chapter is very pretty. I really like the essence of hope I get from this scene, as well as the despair.

One thing I do recommend is having a much more internal explanation for how the character is feeling. I feel like I'm looking at the character from the outside-in and not the inside-out. I feel as if I should feel more of what the character is thinking instead of jut what they are doing or looking at.

One good example of this is: "She took a step towards it.

It wasn't really that intimidating."

You could try and describe how she started to feel calm, like "the butterflies in her stomach subsided as she stepped closer." Just a bit more depth into the thoughts and emotions of the character really helps the reader connect more to the story and what is going on. This helps especially in tension filled moments where you really need to grip the reader and make them want to root for the main character whose in peril.


"Follow them, it was said, and you will find your grave." Also, this part should be in italics because it is recalling what someone has said.

That's all I really have. Wonderful job!




Silverlock says...


Thank you very much for your review. You're absolutely right about her not having enough internal emotion. Thank you :)



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Wed May 07, 2014 4:16 am
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birk wrote a review...



Hey Silverlock!

I'm so glad you decided to continue this series; I'm almost additcted to it.

I have to admit, it feels kind of good to realize my thoughts on your novel made you pick it up again after five months of not writing for it. It gives reviewing much more of a purpose when you know people appreciate them. ;)

You published all your other chapters almost all within your first month and now the next one comes after being here roughly seven months, so I'm sure your style has changed a lot.

I see you have added a lot more to your dialogue, which is good. Your descriptions was always okay, but they also seem a lot fuller here. And despite being away from the series from quite a while, you still pick up where you left off and keep telling the story in the same vein as before. I kinda think this has still been on your mind and you didn't really need my push, hehe.

So, you continue where it's most natural to continue the story; which is with Lia.

I pretty much like this entire chapter, save for a few things, which I will bring up later. What I loved was your descriptions of this tavern and how you used these Illyari to bring focus back to Lia's father.

Overall there's not much I would comment more on, so I'll just write as I go along:

I really like your opening line. It's short and quick to the point; tells you everything you need to know about the scene.

Edit

well into the snow season in the mountains now and it felt very much like being trapped in


Edit
The strange thing was though, was that unlike those legends, the light never seemed to move.
Moved a word and changed another.

She leaned her back against a tree

Though you have good descriptions, there are still some placed where you could do better. Here for instance, I don't know if she's sitting in the snow or not. I'll presume she is standing. I'd still like to know more stuff though. Maybe about how her bags and her sword is carried at the moment? I guess I thought of it because she leaned against a tree, and her sword is probably sheathed there, right?

Just one example showing there are lots of things to add everywhere. Maybe not the best example though.

Edit
Lia glanced at the hovering light; it didn't seem to be particularly ominous.
Replaced the comma with a semicolon.

She took a step towards it.

It wasn't really that intimidating.

Another step.
You've written a similar scene to this, where Lia runs through the tunnel and it worked pretty well. Here however, it doesn't work. All your lines are all spread out when they should be paragraphed. It worked in that tunnel, because it was easy to visualize her running through it I guess.

I'd write the revalation of this light being a lantern in a different way.

A lot more faster steps.

This doesn't look all too neat.

Okay, The Jolly Goat? You wrote that one just for me, right? I love it.
I also like how her father's teachings go through her mind.

Suggestion
Instead of any frights, a warm bed and hearty home cooked meal awaited her.


Edit
She pulled back the hood of her cloak.


He reached under the counter and pulled out a key from a container. “Here ya go. Room twelve. Have a seat, I'll get someone ta send out your soup soon.”
So, does she pay this guy at any point? I'd think they would do that up front. Especially at a place like this.

Suggestion
so she picked an empty one further away.


You use a lot of good descriptions here, I can really picture this scene. Good.

Nah, I'm tellin' ya Duttor, the market fer goats are still good,”

Well I looked this up, but I didn't get a concrete answer. I guess you can pass it off as slang, but I wouldn't use 'fer'.

“Aye, yuv been played,”

Okay, you sort of write their words as they'd say them, I like that. However, isn't played more of a modern slang?

“I suppose, it depends which way ya look at it.”

The conversation ends there? It doesn't seem like a conversation ender.

Suggestion
when the inn doors opened and three well built, dark-clad men strode in.
I like it better! :D

Now we come to these Illyari men, which I found really good. The way you bring up the rings and how she responds to them is well done and I loved how she remembered back to asking her father about the one he wore. Maybe she didn't really know what his profession was? And now she's about to find out he may have been in a bit of a moral gray area? Either way, I like this approach.

The young man who had served her before hobbled out to meet them.

He didn't really serve her though. I'd consider that to be the waitress. Maybe try 'young man who had welcomed her before'?

Edit
before pausing and turning back to the young innkeeper.


I'm not sure if we ever knew Lia's age before, I can't recall. But we do now; she's around sixteen! That's good.

Edit
“Well, my family has always seen them

Some quick typos here and there.

It shows that I am always bound to him, by iron and by blood.”

One of many fantastic lines. They pop up here and there.

Alright, that's your sixth chapter. It is a pretty good chapter. You forward the story just enough in each of your character point of view that it doesn't drag too much and it doesn't spin ahead too fast.

Despite some hasty errors, your writing has certainly improved since last time. Especially your descriptive skills. The scenes fill out more nicely, it feels more alive.

Oh, we found out about the different haircolors though. That was really neat. I like how each of the lands sort of have their own color and that's why Lia had to hide hers. I'm not sure the genetics would approve of this hair color fixation though. ;)

Lastly...big issue! You forgot to add a character named Jeff! I was totally waiting for him. (I like Jeff)

Keep it up Silverlock! See you in the next chapter!


Cheers
Birkhoff




Silverlock says...


Hey Birky!! :)
Thank you for another one of your wonderful reviews!! :) I'll definitely incorporate your advice when editing :)

The "fer" and "ya" was my lame attempt at making an accent. :) You're right about the "played" thing though.
I'm glad to know that my writing has improved! :) I thought it would be the reverse. It's definitely been on my mind but you gave me the spark to continue it :)
Her thought's about her father's line of work is definitely something I will be exploring, probably in later chapters.
Haha!! Jeff definitely has a place in my story!! I've got a nice little place for him in the next chapter so keep an eye out!! :)
Thanks again! :)




If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience.
— Woodrow Wilson