Distopia

by sphealwithit

Published May 6, 2014

16+ Language Violence

In Shorts

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

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Chapter 1

I travel through the large abandoned city. The buildings seem to all be in a state of decay. Grass grows at the bottom of giant towers of glass and concrete. I look at the decay and smile. Yes, you heard me, I smiled. A small bark breaks my attention from the ruins. I turn my head to see a small wolf pup digging his head in and out of a pile of rubble. I shake my head and laugh a little before whistling. He looks up from the pile and stares at me “Sphen what are you doing?” The little grey and white pup shakes his head and sneezes a little from the dust. He climbs down from the pile and runs over to the bottom of my legs, brushing his head against my bear skin making me giggle.

We walk a little further before I bend down and take the back pack from my back and take out a small canteen of water. I grab a small metal bowl and pour the water onto it. “You must be thirsty?” I ask, Sphen nods enthusiastically as he laps up the not so cold water. I stand up and take a few gulps. The sun is slowly setting and I look around the giant metropolis for a safe place to sleep. We walk for a little while longer before I see a town house that looked fairly intact. I open the old wooden door and we enter a large but thing empty hallway, wallpaper is falling away from the moss covered walls and the floorboards creak unnaturally. Sphen fallows slowly, not used the strange smell he takes each step carefully and whimpers slightly when he picks up on a smell he doesn’t like.

Once the living room door comes into view I push the decaying door open and wince a little at the loud screech it admits. The room is crawling with cobwebs and dust and enclosed in darkness. The furniture is slowly rotting and under a large layer of dust a large LCD TV sits unused. I shake my head and begin to clear an area of the room from dust and cobwebs before setting down my bag and taking out a small used blanket and some bread. I sit on the blanket and tear the bread apart into small pieces. I eat slowly, savouring the not so fresh morsels. Food was hard to come by even if it wasn’t fresh I needed to eat and as long as I had something I wouldn’t complain.

Sphen eyed me hungrily putting on his best puppy dog eyes and whimpering ever so slightly. I stare at him for a while before caving in as usual and throwing him a small section of the bread. I look at him sadly as he pulls a face of disgust but slowly eats the bread. In know I should give him the food he needs but right now we are short on supplies and there isn’t a camp for miles yet. Once I finish the bread I lay my head on my empty backpack and curl into a ball. I lie there for a-bit dozing off every so often although I could still hear Sphen moving around for another hour or so before he curls into a ball beside me and falls asleep.

The sound of rain wakes me up. The sun has barley risen yet but I felt refreshed. Moving slowly so I don’t wake the sleeping pup beside me I stand and walk to the large bay window at the front of the room. I sit of the wide ledge and shiver as a cold draft tingles my legs making my hair stand on edge. Yawing and rubbing the sleep from my eyes I stare out the slightly fogging window. The rain looked like a waterfall, falling straight down onto the pavement. The harsh grey tarmac is now dark black and glinting slightly in the dim sunshine. I smiled and placed my head against the window. I loved days like this when I was younger, I always found it calming. I remember sitting with my family in the living room watching some lame show on TV listening to the rain in the background. I always imagined it as washing away all the stress I had from that day and imagine I was somewhere far away. Cheesy right? Yeah that may be true but hey I had to find a way to cope with school and people.

I finish my short day dream with a shake of my head, I can’t think of those things anymore, they just weigh me down and stop me from getting anywhere. I look over to find that Sphen has woken up and doing these little stretches with his paws, his jaw widening into a yawn. If I look closely enough I can see the beginnings of sharp fangs grow at the front of his mouth. For now though, he’s still my little pup, a hungry underweight but more than well cared for emotionally wise pup. He shakes his head once more before looking at me and barking happily. I slide off the windowsill and bend down to pet him but he ends up licking my face first. I laugh and pat his head. “I’m happy to see you too buddy” He barks as if he understood, then moves in a direction that points towards the door. “You wanna leave already? But we only got here” He looks sad and begins to scratch at the closed door. “Okay okay I get the point we’ll leave now.” He barks happily as if to say he had won. The rain hadn’t eased any so I throw everything into my backpack and throw my flimsy hood over my head I open the door and we walk down the hallway to the main door.

That’s when I hear it, a small creaking from upstairs as if someone had pressed their foot too hard on a floor board. I press my finger to my lips and I look at Sphen who remains silent. Moving to the right I notice the stairs aren’t in the best condition and could probably collapse under the weight. I can’t run the risk of being caught so I take my change and as quietly as I can I make my way upstairs with Sphen at my heels.

The creaking continues and I realise that someone must be in the bedroom just to the left of the stairs. I crouch once I reach the top step and lean over just enough so that I can see whatever is making the noise through the crack in the door. Through the crack I can see a shadow of a large man sitting on the dusty bed, I recognise the uniform he’s wearing and I gasp lightly. He doesn’t appear to have heard it and he continues to sit on the bed. He is humming some sort of inaudible tune and I can see his left arm moving back and forth in a cleaning motion but I cannot make the object. He lifts his head as if he heard me and smiles a little. He stands up, and I now realise that the thing in his hand was a gun.

Standing up quickly I race down the stairs and head down the corridor towards the kitchen and the back of the house. I hear his footsteps making slow careful steps down the stairs. He makes an audible clicking noise with his mouth every so often; it’s so loud I can hear it above my panicked breath. I make a sharp left turn and fling open one of the storage cupboard doors and throw myself in, Sphen follows suit. His breath comes out in audible pants so I grab his muzzle softly and try to calm his breathing. It goes a little quieter enough so that I can be happy that the solider can’t hear us.

The man arrives in the kitchen and continues through until I can hear him right outside the cupboard his clicking noise sounds a lot creepier this close up. I can tell that it isn’t fully human and it has an electronic element to it.

“Damn where’d she go?” His boots make a loud thunking noise as he walks away from the cupboard. Sphen mistakes my relived gesture as a queue to bark happily. My eyes widen as I hear and laugh coming from the kitchen. “You were so close to getting away too what a shame.” The large man flings open the cupboard and I fling my fist at his face, his reflexes are fast and he grabs my hand mid punch. Squeezing tightly on my hand he smiles disturbingly before twisting my arm until I can hear an audible crack. I yell in pain. Sphen growls at the man and before he has time to react he scratches at his face with his not yet developed claws. Hissing in pain the man releases my arm and falls backwards. Sphen’s attack doesn’t stop, he bites the mans arm and legs before taking one final swipe at his face. The man falls unconscious and Sphen jumps off and strides happily towards me.

“Well done boy, what would I do without you? Huh?” I wince in pain as he nudges at my arm. I smile weakly and sigh. “It’s definitely broken, that’s for sure. We can make it to a camp within a day, I’ll get this fixed and we can find you some proper food. How does that sound?” He barks happily for a moment before turning an affectionate gaze towards my arm. He nuzzles my legs as I shakily stand up. I fall to my right and placing my broken arm out to protect myself I hit the injured article with quite a lot of force. I yell again and Sphen barks. I stare at him for a moment before sighing and laughing. We make our way out of the house and back onto the deserted city streets. With Sphen’s help I manage to tear a piece of cloth off my jumper and make it into a make shift sling. The support feels good on my arm as we walk through the rough terrain.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
birk
Review
birk wrote a review Review · May 10, 2014

Hey Spheal!

So I'm a big fan of science fiction, in fact it's probably my favorite genre. Checking out your new story here seemed like a no-brainer.

Well, I do like the overall plot of your novel. So far, at least. The notion of a young protagonist wandering through a dystopian, barren and desolate world with nothing but an animal companion is really interesting.

I guess you write your character's feelings okay enough, and we get to know her a bit instead of her just being another faceless protagonist. Despite her thoughts and actions sometimes being a bit...odd. I'll get back to this.

Of course though, it is also always fun to read about such wastelands. The possibilities are practically endless and there are so many ways you can twist and turn this story. However, there doesn't seem to be that much of an interesting approach you have taken so far. Obviously, all these options for where you can take your story are still there, but I didn't think this was a good introduction for this story.

We are dropped pretty abruptly into the story without any explanation of the world we are in. Which is totally fine, this will all come into the story later, but I'd still like to get to know this world a little from the beginning. The biggest clues we are given is a little about her whereabouts, as she is traveling through this large abandoned city. And we get another one concerning our timeline, which would suggest a fairly modern setting. This of course being the mention of LCD TV's. Of course, most dystopian stories are set in the future, but a lot of them aren't contemporary, like the Fallout series for example.

I'm looking forward to seeing more of this world and how you present it.

Your dialogue could also use a little boost, as it doesn't read well. Most of them are written in the middle of paragraphs, making them not only look ugly, but it makes it hard to tell who is talking at times. What I would have you do is break up the paragraphs a bit and a least present the dialogue in their own lines.

I'll go ahead and use an example:

I laugh and pat his head. “I’m happy to see you too buddy” He barks as if he understood, then moves in a direction that points towards the door. “You wanna leave already? But we only got here” He looks sad and begins to scratch at the closed door. “Okay okay I get the point we’ll leave now.” He barks happily as if to say he had won.

I laugh and pat his head. "I'm happy to see you too buddy." He barks as if he understood, then moves in a direction that points towards the door.

"You wanna leave already? But we only
just got here" He looks sad and begins to scratch at the closed door.

"Okay, okay, I get the point. We'll leave now." He barks happily as if to say he had won.


Perhaps not the best example, but you'd agree it looks better, no?

Another issue I had while reading this was how much of what you write is more telling us what is going on, instead of letting the story flow.

That is, of course, a big case of Show, don't tell.

Throughout most of this first chapter, you mostly tell us that I did this and I did that etc. I'm not reading a diary here, so try to convey the scenes and action that is happening to me instead of bluntly writing what goes down. I'll use another example here:

I look at the decay and smile. Yes, you heard me, I smiled. A small bark breaks my attention from the ruins. I turn my head to see a small wolf pup digging his head in and out of a pile of rubble. I shake my head and laugh a little before whistling.


Looking out at the decaying ruins before me, my mouth subconsciously curl into a smile. Behind me, a small bark breaks my thoughtful attention from the ruins. As I turn, I quickly glimpse the figure of a small wolf repeatedly burrowing through several piles of rubble. As I shake my head at this sight, a small chuckle burst from within before I whistle at him.

Again, just an example. But there's a lot you can add to much of your story.

Aside from these things, there were also a lot of grammatical errors here and there. Initially, I figured I would only bring up a few of them, but as this went on I decided I would point out much more. I think it would do good to hammer in as many as possible at this point.

I'm dragging on here though, so I'll en-spoiler all of this:
Spoiler
Distopia

This could oviously just be your title as you meant it to be titled. But I think you might mean for it to be 'Dystopia' here. ;)

Edit
“Sphen, what are you doing?”

Added a comma here. I really like the name of the wolf though.

Edit
brushing his head against my bare skin making me giggle.


Suggestion
We walk a little further before I bend down and take the back pack from my back and take out a small canteen of water.
This reads quite awkward. How about: We walk a little further before I unsnap the knapsack from my back and bend down to retrieve a small canteen of water.

Edit
We walk for a little while longer before I see a townhouse that looked fairly intact.


Edit
and we enter a large but thing empty hallway, wallpaper is peeling away from the
Not sure what this word is doing here. I'd also replace falling with peeling.

Edit
Sphen follows slowly, not used to the strange smells; he takes each step carefully
Some errors, plus an added semicolon.

Edit
wince a little at the loud screech it emits.

I like this entire sentece, it's pretty good. This last word was wrong though. But close. ;)

Edit
Food was hard to come by, and even if it wasn’t fresh I needed to eat and as long as I had something I wouldn’t complain.
Added an 'and' as well as a comma.

Edit
I know I should give him the food he


Edit
The sun has barely risen yet but I felt refreshed.


Edit
I sit on the wide ledge


Edit
Yawning and rubbing the sleep from my eyes


Edit
Yeah that may be true, but hey, I had to find a way to cope with school and people.
Added a few commas.

Edit
I finish my short daydream with a shake


Edit
flimsy hood over my head as I open the door and we walk down


Edit
That’s when I hear it; a small creaking from upstairs as if someone had pressed their foot too hard on a floorboard.
There are several more spots where you could do with a semicolon, but I haven't brought everyone up. As with here, there are also a few words you write as two seperate ones, when they should be one singular word.

At this part where she now decides to go up the stairs, I don't really understand her logic. Why would she go up there? If she can't run the rish of being caught...why move up the stairs towards the danger? Trying to sneak out is definately a better option. Especially since these stairs are old and creaky.

Edit
so that I can be happy that the soldier can’t hear us.

I'm also questioning why she would choose to hide in one of the cupboards. That again seems like a bad idea. Make a run for it from the house!

I can tell that it isn’t fully human and it has an electronic element to it.

Okay, this I really like! Now the science fiction element is making it's way into the story. I guess there are some sort of androids running around? Awesome!

Edit
My eyes widen as I hear a laugh coming from the kitchen.


I do like how Sphen defends her when she is in danger though. However, the guy fell unconscious? It seems like it's too little to go down from. And then again, you hint at the fact that this might be some sort of android or robot, so how would he be out for the count by this?

I stare at him for a moment before sighing and laughing.

I think you need to play up the tension here. She has just broken her arm and she is laughing about it. A broken arm is serious trouble and she is alone with only this wolf beside her. Not only that, but it's a long days walk to get to this camp? I would be pretty scared at this point.


Alright, that's pretty much what I could say for this first chapter. I did skip a lot of commas here and there which you could add, as well as other small things. But there was just way too much I decided to comment on here.

I really like the overall story, it is a pretty interesting one. As I said before, it has a lot of potential. The possibilities are virtually endless! :D

You write the relationship between the girl and Sphen pretty well. It's a very dependant relationship that can be interesting to watch evolve.

What I would want to see in future installments:

- Give the girl a name. - I know her name is Hayley. But that was in the description. You need to get her name in there somehow.

- More backstory - There is so much you can do with this world, yet the canvas is pretty blank at the moment.

Proofreading - A lot of what I commented on here could easily have been avoided with a quick proofreading. I saw a lot of fast grammatical errors.

Aside from this, it'll be fun to see how you continue this story. You do seem to have a lot of creativity, which is definately the most important part. All the other problems you may have will easily be corrected over time.

Hope you continue this story soon Spheal, I'll be anticipating it! :D

Keep it up!


Cheers
Birkhoff

Thanks for the advise :) I'm in the middle of my exams sadly at the moment but i'll try and fix it as soon as possible :)

User avatar
kymorhens
Review
kymorhens wrote a review Review · May 6, 2014

Lots of descriptive words that made me feel like I was experiencing the character first hand. I couldn't stop reading it. When it was over, I was hoping to find more. You were focused on the story and you never got distracted with something. You moved through it as if you were retelling your day.

Really enjoyable,
kymorhens

awww thanks :)



I will not condemn you for what you did yesterday, if you do it right today.
— Sheldon S. Maye