z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Chapters 2 of The Token

by Stormcrow, none


Chapter 2

The finding, and the beginning of the homework problem

And just like that, the Starrs came to live with the Photons. Sadly, their house was burned to the ground. The fire robots arriving just in time to see the roof collapse, and fall the four stories down to mercilessly smash the already crater-of-a-basement into further smithereens. The floors had been burned away by the fire, leaving three walls—the back wall had been burned to ash in less time than it took for Edmund to run to Simon's house—leaving the roof mostly in one piece. The top of the Heater n' Hotter had blasted a hole through all the floors; but by the time it had hit the roof it just weakened its structure, and hadn’t destroyed it.

Mr. Starr had a third degree burn all up his left side, and a broken leg from the blast. It was two long weeks before he was back from the hospital; and to his death bed he had a long grey scar from his knee up his to neck, and a smaller oval scar in his scalp, where his hair had been burned off. He had been in the basement when it had blown; he said he had heard some strange noises down there in the night. But even with a solid concrete wall between him and the blast, he was still burned. Since it was a big house, the Heater n' Hotter was huge, and it used highly compressed gasoline, to get it up all the four stories. The reason that it exploded, they thought (it was never proven) was because it was being used too much. A pipe might have exploded, caught on fire from a light bulb, and made a fireball that destroyed the wall. This collapsed the first floor, burned Mr. Starr, flung him against the wall, and then pelted him with broken concrete. Thus the broken leg. Then, at the same time as the fireball, the gas in the pipes caught fire, and the fire shot up the pipes. It probably spread pretty rapidly through the house, and exploding at the criss crossings od the pipes. Only seconds after the blast, the fire had traveled all the way up the house. While Edmund had fled to tell the news and get help, Mrs. Starr was dragging her limp husband out of the burning house. Some of the pipes had been destroyed by the top of the Heater n' Hotter, and flaming gas erupted onto the floors, making the house the perfect vacation for the devil.

It wasn’t cramped in the least at Simon's house, since it was so massive, with enough space to house several families. In a way it had, since the government used to use it as a scientific lab, which lots of scientific families could live in. But then science became more and more common as a profession, so the government had to sell it, as too many people were trying to rent places in the house. Also, damage from chemistry accidents were harder to pin down than you would expect. After it had been unused for over a century, Simons great grandparents had bought it for a tiny fraction of what it was worth, and it had just been handed down over time. They had repaired the house slowly over time, since it was in horrible shape, and added a better telescope. They wouldn’t have been able to do this without the money they’d saved from writing scientific papers for the DDS. It still wasn’t finished; some of the older plumbing was being replaced, and sometimes the bathrooms would be so stinky they would become unusable.

After the excitement died down, life went on as usual. School went on, the seasons changed, a white snowy winter faded into a lush green spring, the spring into a hot golden summer, the summer into a crispy crunchy fall, and then the cycle turned again into a white winter of snow. But Simon never forgot the Time Machine. It was the force behind every summer job, the urge towards every birthday, the fear in every nightmare. It also was something beyond words, something to feel, not describe as a thing of the world; it was something from deep in his soul. But not altogether in a good way; he always felt like the longing was corrupt. And the strange thing was, he wanted it just because. He didn’t care what other people thought, he just wanted it. It wasn’t an everyday want, though. It was almost as if something deep in him had awoken, that wasn’t truly part of him, and it wanted it. He feared the wanting would consume him.

One day, one similar to the one when they had first saw the Time Machine for the first time (but very different in time), the friends could be seen walking down the street again, chatting and laughing. But now they came from a different direction. They were several years older, Simon 15 and Edmund almost the same. They were eighth graders at The School of Precise Technology and Physics.

They were discussing their science project for the fair; they were partners, and wanted to make something amazing. Little did they know that this would be a major step towards getting their Time Machine. Later, (as in much later), they would clap themselves on the back and take all the credit. It was actually both of their ideas put together; huge party balloons, and flying by holding onto tons of balloons.

The design looked something like this; it was a man, holding onto a striped balloon about twice the size of his head. There was a little tube coming out from near the bottom of the balloon, which attached to a pressure gage, the size and shape of a watch, on his wrist. A larger tube was strapped to his arm, with a flexible joint at his elbow, and ran down his arm to a little cylinder shaped tank. The tank was labeled highly-pressurized-helium, and was strapped to his back. The tank was a foot tall, and five inches thick. With the pressure at zero, the balloon would be just a large striped party balloon, normal looking. But at full pressure, the balloon would swell to four times its normal size, lifting even a large adult into the air. Small tanks in the side of the balloon held more pressurized helium, and could be used to control the direction of flight. This was via small tubes connecting to a smaller pressure gage on the other hand.

All the flying gear could be taken off so that the balloon could be used as a party balloon. The balloons would be made out of carbon fiber woven into stretchy latex, and then covered in a thin rubber. They would use metallic paint to decorate, and over the inside and outside a shiny heat and cold resistant gel. The balloon would be connected to the man’s shoulders by four strong but thin ropes, two for each shoulder, and they would also coated in the gel. The main tube would be wound back and forth between the ropes.

They had almost no idea where they would be able to find the materials, but they weren’t discouraged. If they had too, they would look in the dump. They were reluctant, though, for facts that they felt were very reasonable.

These are the main reasons, and some (hopefully) interesting facts about the dump. The dump hadn’t been used since NASA started to throw garbage into space while visiting the space station. By that point, it was ten miles across, and housed around a thousand families and several hundred single scientists. This was about two hundred years ago. It was rumored that the ghosts of the former owners of the garbage roamed the dump at night, seeking something from their former life. It’s really hardly something to be worried about, in my opinion, but to the young adults to-be, it was almost something of legend. A boy had gone in on a bet, once, and had never come out. That was a long time ago, and the boys that had made the bet had children of their own, and their children had children of their own, too. But people don’t forget things like that; that’s how it always was, and always will be. It is the nature of humans. But it still was promising. Who knows what they might find? When the carbon fiber craze died down, tons of the used material was thrown into dumps like this one. Most of it was probably in good conditions (so they both believed). They were still not going to chance it until it was completely necessary

Any way, they walked home, and went on their day only slightly less normal than usual.

They had a snack, did their homework, disappeared for forty five minutes (hint hint), and looked at pictures of Air Racers they wanted on Edmund’s IPad (his was newer). Then they ate dinner, read their books for school, took showers, and then stalled twenty minutes in their rooms before bed. That’s what the rest of the family thought: well, both families; it seemed to have become one family. What really happened was this. When they came home, they dumped their school paraphernalia on the ground, and grabbed two chocolate and peanut butter granola bars. Then they quickly grabbed their school things, put them away before anyone noticed, (with the bars in their mouths) and then went into the homework room.

It had a nice big table for homework, and lots of Apple computers (more than needed). They did their homework for enough time to throw away any scent, and then locked and bolted the door. They then proceeded to check the prices of helium, carbon fiber, metallic paint, and all the rest of the equipment they would need. The cheapest item—the stretchy plastic—alone cost way too much. Anyone in the hallway outside would have heard loud groans, and they would have been found out; but luckily the hallway was deserted. They were not, however, thinking themselves very lucky at all. How would they ever be able to win the Science Fair if they couldn’t even afford the materials? The prize for winning was only about a third of the total price of the materials, on top of it!

The carbon fiber was the main problem. It was so light that a pound cost a thousand dollars,[18] and they couldn’t find a company that would sell less than 50 pounds. That still was much more than they had. They had only around seven hundred dollars combined, sadly.

After that, they were called down for dinner. It was chicken chili with cheese and chips, and twice baked potatoes with lots of butter. It was just about Simon's favorite meal; the parents were in a good mood, it seemed. Next, they pretended to read their school books, while raiding their parent’s rooms for spare cash. Nothing but an old ripped and folded one dollar bill with the date 2798. “That’s old,’ Edmund exclaimed, ‘we could sell it for more than its worth!”

“Nah, not worth it,” said Simon. He was searching through his parents piles of papers in the other room, hoping for an old credit card.[19] It didn’t yield a much better find. He found an empty checkbook, three food lists, a piece of paper covered in doodles, an old tax paper, a book for leveling his parent’s books, and an old dirty sock. All worthless junk.

After combining their findings, they debated about whether they should go to the dump or not. Edmund was all for it; what could really happen? That story was probably just a lie, made for the fun of telling, he thought. But in contrast, Simon was very uneasy about the dump. It had haunted his dreams ever since he had heard the tale of the unfortunate boy, told to him by his sister, who had heard it from a fourth grader. She was only in first grade at the time, and Simon in preschool, so it scared him much more than if he was, say, in fifth grade. He was more scared of it from the nightmares, than from the story itself. Edmund had only heard it from a seventh grader, when he was in sixth grade, so he wasn’t nearly as scared.

Come on,’ Edmund encouraged, ‘What else is there to do?!”

Simon hesitated for a Moment, and then quickly replied, “I know this sounds like a scaredy-cat thing to say, but I’m downright scared. There are more than just ghosts and ghouls to reckon with. Where do you think those rumors came from?”

“Probably just older kids trying to give the younger kids a fright,” said Edmund, shrugging his shoulders. “There wouldn’t be any rumors if nothing strange had happened.”

Simon argued back, “all rumors are based on something real that's been told from one person to another, until a gang of teenagers becomes a pack of ghosts, and a gruff guard turns into an alcoholic with an illegal Ray Gun [20. There could be something real bad in there, and that boy might really have been kidnapped!’

At this point Simon was starting to work himself into something very near a frenzy, with the passion of his speech. He was almost yelling now.

“Is it really worth it, our lives and our free will, just for some decaying material we need for a science fair?”

“Well, now that you put it that way…”

It was then that Edmund thought of scavenging around the remains of his house. He thought of that not that long after they had dropped the subject about the dump, so he figured that they would have enough time. Simon agreed. “That’s a great idea!’ said Simon, ‘let’s go right now!” “All right!” said Edmund. They jumped out of their seats, and headed for the door. They were in for more than they expected.

They left without any trouble: they saw no one, and they didn’t even think of leaving a note. They only had to walk about a hundred feet from the mudroom door to see the ghastly. Workers had partially cleaned up the mess, but most of the structure was still there. Rotting and charred wood lay everywhere. Shattered bricks and cement turned the ground into a dangerous waste land: even with their shoes on, the two had to be careful where they treaded.

They decided to work systematically. Simon would work on the part farther back, and Edmund would work on the part nearer the road. (When the house had collapsed, it had split in two, so that there were two piles of rubble, about seven feet away from each other). They would meet up in about half an hour.

It wasn’t going very well for Simon. He had a cut on his foot, he was tired, and he had found nothing. Well, nothing besides how painful it is to step on a shard of brick. He decided to do one last loop, and then head back to meet Edmund: the half hour must surely be over by now, he thought. He was almost back to the spot where they had started out, when he noticed something that he was sure hadn’t been there before. It was the twisted and blackened frame of the Heater n’ Hotter.

As he came closer, he noticed something strange. The closer he got, the brighter it got. Also, every single hair on his body was standing up and down on end. It was a very strange sensation. You would think that he would have been a little nervous; but he was in an adventurous mood, so just he walk right up to the twisted hunk of metal. Then, he stopped short. What he had assumed was just part of the houses concrete frame turned out to be a large crater on the side of a chunk of metal. That was where the strange light was coming from.

Simon, utterly undaunted, walked boldly towards the light. As he got closer, he noticed something strange about the light itself. It seemed to be coming from the crater: but if it was, how could it illuminate even objects that were behind it? For there were no shadows to be seen, even though there should have been long shadows everywhere at this time of day. If a casual observer had walk by, they probably would have commented on how high in the sky the sun was: but no one walked by.

When Simon was close enough to touch the blackened metal, he finally saw what was making the light. It took his breath away.

There, embedded in the side of the Heater n' Hotter, was a little ball of dazzling light and color. It looked like all of heaven had been forced into a little glass ball, and was trying to escape. A storm of many colored clouds swirled and churned within, and golden lightning bolts flashed like little knives. A sense of power emanated from the outside of the sphere: but strangely, there seemed to be no solid part anywhere. The surface was constantly changing shape, like a stormy sea. Points of light kept escaping through the outside of it: in fact, it looked like any instant the whole sphere would explode in a brilliant blast of light. Simon stepped backwards in surprise and fear: he felt that if he got any closer, the little ball would blind him with its golden power. He could tell right away that what he had found was something not from this planet, maybe not even from that universe.

After staring at it in silence for a minute or so, Simon decided that he had to decide what to do. He decided that whatever it was, he had found it, so he was going to keep it. He summoned up his courage, took a step forward, and picked up the sphere.

Instantly, a heart wrenching, bone breaking, mind throbbing pain slammed him to the ground with a wild howl. His whole body writhed and convulsed like he was being electrocuted, for he was: his arms were bolts of lightning, his head a churning thunder cloud. A cold intelligence wrapped around his mind and took control of him. It told him, in a snake-like and very powerful voice, “I, am, The Token! Bend, beneath my, will...” A blast of green and blue energy exploded from The Token and rocketed into the sky. It made a noise like language, but much too fast. He couldn’t let go of The Token: it was stuck to his hand, stuck on by some unknown force. He felt like a man with a chisel and hammer was having at his skull with all his strength. He felt insanity gripping his mind and wrestling with it: he was stuck in a pain so great that he wanted to rip his body apart to get it out. And then, just as he felt his body start to dissolve into The Token, he felt a kind of recognition. The pain slipped away instantly, and with that, The Token slipped from his hands. He heard, getting fainter and fainter every second, “Master... I have come...” He lay still for an uncountable amount of time, every now and then rocked by little spasms. The Token lay a little ways off, now dull and drained of energy. In the sky, the column of energy still rushed into infinity, now only a little dot, which quickly rushed out of sight.

When Edmund came back to where they had agreed to meet, he was alone. At first, he thought that he was a little early. But when he checked his watch, he found out that he was actually a little late. He had found nothing, so he’d walked back a little slower than when he’d set out. He’d thought he would find at least some good wood or metal: but it was not so. The best thing that he found was a mostly uncharred and only partly bent nail, hardly worth keeping. Anyways, even if he had found something, he would still have the problem of finding Simon. Where was he? Simon was usually on time, so where was he?!? Aha! There he was! Hello, why’s he walking funny? He looks like he’s limping. And what's he got in his pocket?

Simon didn’t see Edmund until he was almost right upon him. His shoulders were slumped, and his head was down: he walked like he was bearing an invisible weight upon his shoulders and back. The Token was carefully wrapped in a tissue he had found in his pocket. It was only about the size of a baseball, but at times would swell to the size of a snow globe. Right at that moment, it fit nicely into his right hand pocket, about the size of a large-ish apple. Its surface was almost completely still, and it only emanated a dull blue color. When he saw Edmund, he straightened up, and tried to look and walk casually. He failed. Edmund could tell something was up right away, and he was determined to find out what.

“Hi,” said Simon, in a way-too-casual way, Edmund thought. Edmund said, “where were you!?! It looks like you got run over by a bulldozer! And what do you have in your pocket? Did you find something?” Simon mumbled something about ‘it doesn’t matter’ and ‘it’s nothing’. Edmund decided to leave Simon alone until they got back to the house. He was sympathetic enough to let Simon from whatever had happened. They walked along in silence all the way back to the house. Simon was still in pain, and he had a horrible headache, maybe even a migraine. He didn’t know if he was going to tell Edmund about The Token or not, which was strange, since he always showed Edmund things that he had found. He decided to keep it a secret for now: anyways, it was his, right? Why should he share it?

Simon was starting to get very attached to The Token, in a way one would not expect from someone who just got seriously hurt from only touching it. He seemed to have already forgotten in what way he had gotten hurt: it didn’t matter to him anymore, since it was in the past. He knew, somewhere inside, that in his pocket was something of extraordinary power, if only he could figure out how it worked. This was what was swirling around in his mind as the two headed back home. Edmund was just about to start questioning Simon, when they came close enough to the house for people to see them. And people meant worried and angry parents. Edmund just started to say “Simon, what—” when he got cut off by a relieved and angry yell. It was Simon's mother.

She had come downstairs about fifteen minutes after Simon and Edmund had left, and gotten very worried, because she couldn’t find them anywhere. They hadn’t even left a note! Were they stolen?! She had searched around the house for most of the rest of the time, but of course, she didn’t find them. So when she saw them, she was very relieved, but at the same time she was mad at them for scaring her. “Where were you!? I’ve been looking everywhere for you two! What will your parents say, Edmund?”

They both looked up, startled, for neither of them had seen her in the doorway. They now looked up at her (or rather, at her feet) and hung their heads, wishing that they had left a note. What could they say?

Dr. Photon, with her hands on her hips, marched them into the house and sent them to their room. Because of her lecture, she was oblivious to the fact that Simon looked like he had been run over by a bulldozer (like Edmund had said). She finally let them go when they got to their room, but as they walked in, she gave them the evil eye.

They decided to make the best of it, and have some fun. They would look at Air-Racers. Air-Racers were their main interest nowadays. They looked at all the kinds that they could almost afford, the ones they wanted, and the ones that only like 10 people in the world could afford. Unfortunately, neither of them realized what time it was, until 8:00, when Edmund got up to go to the bathroom. That left them only 45 minutes to do their homework. Luckily, Edmund was allowed to stay up with Simon, since he would be 15 in less than two weeks.

They slammed their books down on the table, and got to work at once. They feverishly did their math homework, social studies homework, science homework, and had just started on their Spanish homework, when the clock struck 8:45 on the dot. That was where the real trouble began.

You see, homework was considered a very important thing at Simon's house. There would be no dessert the next night if it wasn’t finished by bedtime, so the Simon and Edmund had to think quick, if they wanted to have their desserts. They were especially good ones, too. Nothing real, mind you. They got to use the TasteRZ, which made you taste whatever you wanted.

They were in the middle of debating what to do, while translating Latin at the same time, when footsteps could be heard outside the hall. Edmund opened his mouth to say something, but Simon jumped up before he could. He and gave Edmund the “be quiet” look, and gestured at the homework. Then, he walked over to the door and opened it, ready to confront his father.

[1] He was the machinery fixer, but there was no Doctors degree for that then on its own; that was usually part of machinery builder. It was uncommon for the husband to not have a Doctors degree, so they hushed it up.

[2] A force field is an invisible magnetic field, controlled by a box in the house. On the screen of the box, the field is made visible, and a “door” can be made in the field, via the box. It is made by the same company that makes Light-Shields. A Light-Shield is like a window pane formed when millions of very small, blue high power lasers crisscross to form a see-through shield, which will trigger an alarm if anything passes through the lasers. Light-Shield’s and Force-Fields are subjected copyright to Bloo Blazin Lazr Lite® Co.

[3] Teleportation® is subjected to Never Say “When Will We Get There?” Again! ®. Teleportation® is a process where every atom of your body is taken apart and transferred through a beam of energy to any point in the universe at 98% the speed of light. Matter cannot exceed the speed of light or reach it. Only warp ships can, because they warp space-time and ride on it. Since the people being teleported are not in one piece, they can’t tell time goes by, or feel anything, although usually they don't travel for long.

[4] If inflation rates averaged at 3%, starting on the year 2000 (one dollar equals one dollar), then in nine hundred years one dollar would equal about $357,686,241,040.30, but in the year 2577, when 1 dollar equaled about $25,531,636.63, and a loaf of bread costed tens of millions of dollars, seven zeros were cut off, so 1 dollar equaled $2.53. (The government rounded down 31 one hundredths a cent, although that slightly increased the value of money.) After that, inflation rates averaged at 0.5 percent. That means that one dollar equals about $12.67 in the year 2900, and about $7.89 equals about a hundred dollar bill , and about $78.93 equals a thousand dollar bill. $264.94 is equal to about $20.91 now, not even much of a start towards a Time Machine


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Thu Jun 11, 2015 3:27 am
megsug wrote a review...



Hey Storm~
I've skimmed through the other reviews, so I'll try to keep things fresh.

This Token thing looks like trouble. The paragraph you used to describe what was happening between Simon and the Token was probably one of your best paragraphs. The language you used there was the most visceral.

The floors had been burned away by the fire, leaving three walls—the back wall had been burned to ash in less time than it took for Edmund to run to Simon's house—leaving the roof mostly in one piece. The top of the Heater n' Hotter had blasted a hole through all the floors; but by the time it had hit the roof it just weakened its structure, and hadn’t destroyed it.

This just doesn't sound possible. How could a roof stay up, missing one wall?

The reason that it exploded, they thought (it was never proven) was because it was being used too much.

This sounds like a stupid reason to be completely blunt. Cars don't explode because you use them too much. Heaters don't explode because you use them too much... This just doesn't make sense.

flaming gas erupted onto the floors

...But didn't burn down the roof... Of course not. I think you need to rethink this.

Also, damage from chemistry accidents were harder to pin down than you would expect.

...So two people decided to buy the place and raise their kids in a building that had uncontained chemical accidents? Sounds unintelligent and dangerous.

Is it really worth it, our lives and our free will

Free will?! What in the dump is going to take away their free will?

Workers had partially cleaned up the mess, but most of the structure was still there

It's been a year, and the ruins haven't been cleaned yet?

Simon, utterly undaunted, walked boldly towards the light.

This is the same Simon that was too scared to go to the dump?

There would be no dessert the next night if it wasn’t finished by bedtime

Seems to me that bedtime is too late. There's not time for desserts if it's time to go to bed.

Alright, so in general, you need to work on the physics of the remains of the Starr house because I just don't think it could possible be standing like you say it is.
You need to work on the logic of Simon and Edmund go to the Starr ruins. If the carbon fiber phase has passed, why would there be carbon fiber in the Starr household?

Your work was able to keep my interest much better this time. More happened. You cut down (a little) on the details though you could still take time to see what details are actually important, and what details are just distracting.

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, lemme know,
Megs~




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Tue Aug 19, 2014 4:26 am
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Holysocks wrote a review...



Hey Stormcrow!

I'm starting to like Simon a bit. He seems innocently troublesome, in a way. I liked his little rant that he had... I can't remember what it was about, but I thought it was funny how serious he got about it.

I've noticed that you repeat a lot of words that refer to your characters. Words like: 'thier' and 'they' get overused. I would like to hear more than just they do this and they do that, or their favourite food is this and their hardest chore is this. I want to see the boys names once in awhile. You did mention Simon and Edmund's names a lot more in the last half of the chapter, but the first half is what I'm referring to.

The other issue I have with using words like 'they' and 'their' too much is that it's hard to follow which character you're talking about. Say I dazed off for a minute ( that happens some times with me ), and you're not stopping every once in awhile to say: hey, this is Simon, by the way... how am I suppose to know that, when you are using 'they' all the time!? :-P

The other thing I thought you could improve on is when you tell us about certain things, you don't always tell us about certain things. An example is when you mentioned a story told by either Simon or Edmund( I can't remember which )'s sister, about a boy... all you say is something like 'Simon was even more scared because of that boy his sister told him about...' and you don't tell us what is so scary that happened to the boy! Later it is mentioned in passing that the boy was kidnapped, or something, but I really couldn't testify!

What I'm trying to say ( and rather failing miserably at ), is that you need to be a little clearer in some cases. In other cases, however, you need to be a little less specific. When it comes down to it, you have to take a good long look at what you write, and decide which of it the reader needs to know, and which of it we really don't need to know. I know you want to put all this information in, because it's information about this future word, and people should want to know every detail... but actually, in writing you don't want to tell people everything. There's a lot of stuff that we'll probably never know about your world, so you need to focus on giving us the information that's primary for us to understand your plot.

I hope that was somewhat helpful. :-D

Keep it up Storm, you're doing great!

-Socks




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 7:48 am
artemis15sc wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here again! Once more, I felt like there was a little too much description and not enough action, so the pacing is still off. Also, we need dialogue and an actual, fleshed-out scene much sooner in this chapter, possible at the very beginning but at least after the first couple paragraphs. And this is where I'm having trouble with your narration style. These last two chapters have been, the time-travelers tells about a bunch of things, so of much seem a little unrelated to what's happening and what's important, and then we hear only a little bit from your character, Simon. It's created barrier, making it hard for me to get really invested in your characters, the world, and the story. And I want to get invested, because I know there's a great story here, I'm just having a hard time reaching it.

Nitpicks! Oh how we love them...

Simon hesitated for a Moment,
moment should not be capitalized.

They decided to work systematically.
Another thesis statement that in your rewrites you will work out :). I haven't mentioned one of these in awhile, but this one really popped out at me.

At first, he thought that he was a little early.
I already mentioned thought verbs, yes? Well here's a little tip on how you can improve them. Mention what he does when he thinks he's here early. Does he squint around? Blink? Furrow his eyebrows? Then, "He blinked(or something else), was he hear early?" And there you go.

she gave them the evil eye.
This is a little cliche...

not even much of a start towards a Time Machine
Don't forget the period.


This pacing was a little better around the Token, but then things started to slow down again. Also, I'm wondering how this connects to your prologue? Is Edmund the King's son? Is Simon? or is something else going on? I like that you've kept this in mystery, but we should be seeing a least a few connections, though I guess that's what the token is? Anyway, keep going!




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Sun Jun 01, 2014 8:16 pm
StoneHeart says...



Hey man, you might wanna break this up a bit into 1-2 thousand word pieces. Makes it much easier to review.

If you need points I have tens of thousands to spare. But seriously, think about it: I would give you reviews on your whole story if you'd only break it down a bit. If I reviewed this it would be a 4 thousand word review XD




Stormcrow says...


The thing is my writing syle has gotten a lot better, and this was written winter of 2012 Soooo Ive come a long way. And yes, I could use some points so I can split this up into seperate chapters, which are like 4-6k each, instead of three.



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Sun May 25, 2014 11:51 pm
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Hannah wrote a review...



Hey, Stormcrow! Here to try to give this piece the second review it deserves in the name of the Knights of the Green Room. I would recommend -- I know it costs more points, but it will get you more feedback, so it's worth the effort in the end -- breaking your novel up by individual chapters. When members see a piece as long as this, they avoid it in favor of chapters they can digest in a more manageable time frame. Cater to the not-as-devoted so you can get more feedback and make it a stronger piece.

Also, I want to say I have not read the first three chapters, so there may be some questions in my review that you've already answered. If so, ignore those~

An hour or two later, Simons Mother came in.


She says "Thank goodness you're alive", as if she didn't know, but this "came in" is a very casual and everyday kind of action. Could you describe with a different verb the way Simon's mother came in. Maybe she crashed in after running frantically down the hallway, looking in every door? How did she feel when she felt he wasn't alive? Show us that in the way she arrives.

I'm wondering why these terrible things can happen to these kids and have them feel so normal about it so quickly -- like Edmund suggesting practicing on the ruins of his house. What?! Would he not be upset that the place he'd lived and grown up in was destroyed? Are they not shocked at all that people are coming in their world and killing their fathers? The fact that they have no reaction to this make the story feel less real. :( If there were a reason they were not as effected -- for example, if they were living in a time of war already -- I would be able to swallow it, but as it is presented now, I don't believe in these characters because they don't have realistic reactions. D:

He could tell that one mean intense heat, one meant a lightning bolt, one meant an arrow of energy, one meant a fire ball, one meant a ball of poisonous gas, one meant a shockwave, it went on and on.


I think you don't need to tell us all these options at this time. When you info dump them like this, it just means we're going to forget them really soon, so you might as well reveal them later when Simon actually uses them. It's enough to just say "Only now there were options." and we can imagine what kinds there are until we know for sure by seeing them in action~

I wonder, though, why there is poisonous gas at all -- how could he use it in any way not to harm living beings, when the point of poison is harming living beings?

Are there any long-term effects from eating conjured pizza? ahaha I loved that detail.

“But if we leave our past selves a message, then they will know what to do, and there won’t be any paradox.”


Here's another moment I can't quite believe. We don't deal with time travel in daily life. We hear lots of stories with rules made about it, but we're not immediately familiar with it. How can these boys be so confident they know what will and will not cause a paradox?? I mean, I see you're selling it in shops, but have they had experience with it before? Is it part of daily travel in THEIR life?

On top of that, he was hungry


Make a pizza, Simon!

It's cool how you've set up the story for the readers to anticipate in the strange man's deal. We now know we're going to have travel with this guy through three different places before we can get to the original goal of saving Simon's dad alongside him, so it's like showing us the plan of the book before we read it, and that's always nice to let readers know what might be happening -- we have something to look forward to.

I love the little orb tool and how it works -- pretty unique~

Sorry to keep you in suspense the APD (if not by now, you’ll soon notice that many things in this book has a nickname), but everything in the last three paragraphs needed to be told first.


If you're going to address your audience as frankly as this, I think you should do so more consistently so it doesn't stick out when you do!

Also, I really really recommend breaking your story up into smaller paragraphs. The ones you have now are very blocky and intimidating to any readers. Break up paragraphs when a new line of dialogue begins, when the focus is at all different from the sentences that came before. I feel like this might be especially important in action sequences, because though we can follow longer action sequences in movies since everything's laid out on the screen for us, we get lost much more easily in text, and by breaking it up in smaller, more manageable pieces, we'll be able to follow the characters as they use these weapons we're also still trying to wrap our minds around.

I hope these thoughts are helpful to you!

PM me or reply to the review if you have any questions or comments about this~

Good luck and keep writing!

Hannah




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Mon May 12, 2014 12:07 am
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ThereseCricket wrote a review...



Hey there!! Cricket here for a review!!! I must say I don't understand why this doesn't have any reviews on it. Although it is like a reviews nightmare. I'm like having trouble finding stuff to nitpick over here...

Anyway..it's rather my custom to start a review off with nitpicks soooo..I'll do my best for you!!

NITPICKS!!!

Simons head hurt. I mean, hurt like being held upside down over a pit of smelly and stinky something, while cloaked men sing prayers around you and whack your head with wooden clubs for hours. Trust me, it hurts; it’s happened to me before, it was that time when... but it’s irrelevant.


Sorry, that I cut out so much but I felt that this part was very obscure. Reading it aloud to myself, it had no order. I mean, you started with third person, and then you just switch all of a sudden into first. So maybe a little work on that.

Simons head hurt

Simons head hurt a lot


Now I just copied the first line out of the first two paragraphs. Hope you don't mind. Anyway..this sounds rather repetitive to me. Always try to avoid repeating yourself. I mean, I got it from the first paragraph, that his head hurt a lot. Being hit on the head with sticks DOES NOT sound nice. So I gathered that his head hurt from that. But saying it again in the second paragraph doesn't help. So try to avoid that in the future.

It was much later when he awoke. He didn’t know this at the time, but he did know he hurt a lot. Everywhere. He lay still for a few minutes, tracing the swirls on the ceiling with his eyes. He tried to sit up, but fell back with a groan. He could feel The Token still clenched in his grasp; no one had pried it from his hands.


Just something I noticed here...You use the word he a lot. Try not too. Go for a blend of he, him, and the like.

OK, now I hope you don't mind what I'm going to do next. I've noticed you have a problem with paragraphing. Paragraphs are one idea~usually 3 to 5 sentences~not ten. So I'm going to dissect one, just to show you what I mean.

A small clump of the orbs, a thousand, were fired from a small cannon on the front of the contraption. They flew through the air, and then seemed to change shape. Each one seemed to have catch fire, and little parts of them were extended. They landed next to the table, and stopped.

Simon and Edmund looked at each other. Then they gasped. The clump dissolved, forming an even thinner but wider group. Then it happened again. And again. It happened more than thirty three times. The last time, the group became so wide and so thin that it looked like impossibly thin black lace.

The group, now numbering over a goggle, advanced upon the table. The table simmered, and started to dissolve underneath them. It looked like what happens when ants slowly take a little crumb of cake at a time, and over time, they all together take the entire piece away. But this was much faster and at a much larger scale. The table was disappearing before their eyes. It was gone within a minute.

They stared, not believing what they were seeing. The stranger smiled, and pushed a button on his metal contraption. The little orbs swirled into the air, and formed a wide tornado around the area of where the table used to be.

Simon couldn’t tell what was happening. They seemed to be dive bombing the ground. All of a sudden, Simon understood. They were reconstructing the table! It took a little longer to put the table back together, but it still was hardly much longer than a minute. The table was exactly like it had been like before. Then, the orbs landed on the ground, and formed back into the little clump of orbs. The clump flew back to the stranger’s hand, and lay still.


So I just dissected it!! I hope you see what I mean. That's really mainly the only big problem throughout the work.

Anyway..I'm done!! Keep writing!!





"Think of all the beauty still left around you, and smile."
— Anne Frank