z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Blood of the Martyrs Chapter 1

by ThePatchworkPilgrims


Chapter 1: A new beginning

A lone carriage hopped along the cobblestone road to Paris as the sun’s rays lit up the hills to the east. The carpentry of this wagon was flamboyantly decorated, with two lion figures carved into either side just below the curtained windows. Inside the seats were covered with azure-coloured cushions, fine lines of gold along the edges, and the floor was carpeted likewise.

In the carriage were seated three people: a plump man, a woman, and a boy of about seventeen years of age. The stout man was lavishly dressed in an azure tunic, barely fitting over his stomach, a golden crest depicting a pouncing lion engraved on his chest. His fawn coloured hair was starting to look like a monk's fringe. The woman was dressed in a long dress with an ermine scarf around her neck. The boy was dressed similarly to the older man, but was much slimmer and had auburn-coloured hair like the woman.

‘Lighten up, Abelard,’ the woman said to the boy as they passed through the outskirts of Paris, Paris is a lovely place this time of the year.’

Abelard pulled back a curtain revealing a grey city, smoke blackening the air as it rose from the infinite chimneys, creating a contrast between with the white snow lying on the ground. The people walking around looked depressed and famished, their torn and dull clothing clinging to their thin bodies.

It doesn’t look lovely,’ he said, closing the curtain.

‘Don’t fret, son,’ Abelard's father said, ‘the people of France are just passing through a financial crisis, nothing more.’

'I'm going to miss Durenhoff.'

'We had no other choice, son. We either left or we died.'

The carriage drew to a halt and the driver opened the door, holding out his hand to Abelard’s mother. His father climbed out next and Abelard last. The bustling of central Paris erupted around him as he stepped into the early morning sunlight. Stall vendors came rushing to him and his family, holding out wooden artefacts, various silks, linens, and other items.

A short, spectacled man shoved his way through to them, waving a slender hand to draw their attention.

Bonjour, Monsieur and Madame von Duren,’ he said when he reached them, shaking Abelard’s father’s hand vigorously before kissing his mother’s, ‘Welcome to the city of Paris.’

He gestured with his hand to a large, elegant building. ‘Please, follow me inside.’

The inside of the building was warm and welcoming, with tall windows and a large chandelier lighting the foyer. Carrying large plates of food or vases containing flowers, servants scurried up and down the large staircase in the centre of the room. Red carpets lined the floor, making Abelard and his parents stand out. The Baroque columns on the flanks of the hall reminded him of their old hall back home.

An aging man dressed in fine clothing appeared at the summit of the stairs, presumably the master of the manor. He had a strong face, his intelligent gaze seeming to sum them up as he descended the stairs.

Monsieur von Duren,’ he said to Abelard’s father, 'Your messenger brought me news of what had happened.’

‘Monsieur de Flesselles,’ his father said, bowing slightly, ‘All our worldly belongings have been taken from us by the new coward they call a Kaiser.’

'Well, until you acquire more permanent accommodations, you're welcome in my home,' friend. Monsieur de Flesselles said when he reached the bottom of the staircase.

My thanks, Monsieur.’

And this must be Madame von Duren,’ de Flesselles said, turning his gaze to Abelard’s mother, ‘You are still as beautiful as ever.’

Thank you, Monsieur,’ she said, curtseying to him, ‘and you are still as charming as ever.’

I try my best to impress the ladies.’

De Flesselles turned to Abelard next. His pale-blue eyes seemed to pierce Abelard's mind. ‘My word, and this must be young Abelard.'

Yes, Monsieur,’ Abelard said, bowing uncomfortably to the older man.

You were no more than an infant the last time we met, so you wouldn’t remember me.’

No, sir, I do not.’

De Flesselles smiled. ‘Well, as mayor of this city, I welcome you to Paris. Gacheru!’

A tall, teenage boy stepped forward. Abelard saw a brand mark on his neck identifying him as slave. ‘At your service, Master de Flesselles,’ he said with a deep voice.

Take the von Duren’s suitcases up to their rooms.’

Yes, Master de Flesselles.’

Abelard watched as Gacheru picked up his mother’s large suitcases and carried them up the stairs with ease. A sudden movement caught his eye as he looked at one of the portraits. There-- peeking from behind a wall on the second floor stood two girls-- both more or less thirteen years old. Before he could find out who they were, they disappeared from view.

If you would please follow me to my study, Monsieur von Duren,’ de Flesselles said indicating to a door to his left.

Of course,’ Abelard’s father said.

Paul, if you could please escort Madame von Duren to the drawing room where my wife is, I would be delighted.’

The short man who had greeted them when they arrived went to the entrance of a hallway and gestured down it.

If you would please follow me, Madame von Duren,’ he said.

Thank you, Paul,’ she said.

As they walked away, Abelard called to his mother.

Yes, my darling?’ she said, turning around.

May I explore Paris?’ Abelard asked.

I believe you may,’ she said before turning to Paul, ‘When will dinner be served?’

Paul looked at the great grandfather clock standing close to the study before replying, ‘In three hours, my lady.’

Then off you go!’ Abelard’s mother said, tossing him a small money pouch, ‘But be back by supper and be careful, darling.’

I will Mother,’ he said before slipping out through the door. Outside he heaved a big sigh before becoming part of bustle of Paris once more.


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FireBird99 wrote a review...



Hi! FireBird99 here for a review!

This was an amazing piece of work. There were a few things that would require nitpicks but I see that they were already corrected so there is no need for me to tell you twice. You could take this book far. So good luck! The only thing is, like BlueAfrica said, us readers need a little something to hang on to with the characters. Help us reach out to them and want to know them better, you know?
Loving it so far. Your description was good and equalled out. So that's good.
Keep up the writing!!!
FireBird99

Hehe By the way, are you French? XD






Thanks for the review FireBird!
No I am not French per se. My entire name (first, middle and last names) is French, and I have a very expansive French ancestry, but I personally am not from France. I am from ***** ******!
I'm not giving my country's name tp you that easily. *winks*



FireBird99 says...


Oh, that's kinda like me. I have French ancestry too but I'm not from France. I am from ******. Or you could just say Canada XD





Well, now that you have revealed your nationality, then so must I. I am from the country on the southern point of Africa, aka South Africa.





Well, now that you have revealed your nationality, then so must I. I am from the country on the southern point of Africa, aka South Africa.



FireBird99 says...


Nice! Haha I forced you into telling me your secrets XD



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MysteryMe wrote a review...



Hey there, Jacquesfdutoit!!! It's MysteryMe, here for that review you requested!!!

First off, let me just say: nice job. For a first chapter, I think this was the perfect length, and it definitely set the scene for your story/novel. I got a clear image of the setting, the characters, and the plot without you explicitly stating any of these things, and that's always a plus. So great start :D.

What I like about your writing style is that you do tend to add a lot of visuals and different forms of imagery, which is important in every piece of literature, especially one as historical as yours. You describe lots of things in great detail, but not to the depth in which the readers start to get bored, which can be a difficult thing to achieve. The details you used were balanced out perfectly, in my opinion, which really helped increase the effectiveness of this piece.

What I think you could use improvement on is your sentence structure. Near the beginning, especially, I saw a few series of sentences that just started out so plainly. For example, you'd write something like this, "The woman... The man... The boy..." There's nothing grammatically incorrect about any of that, I assure you, but it gets a bit boring and repetitive for the reader. To spice things up a bit, I'd suggest starting a few more sentences with prepositions or something. Not necessary, of course, but just a suggestion ;)

....

Now for my little nitpicks:

"On these seats were seated three people:"

You said 'seat' twice in this sentence, which sounds a bit clunky. Consider changing it to: "In the wagon, three people were seated:"

....

"The stout man was lavishly dressed in an azure tunic, barely fitting over his stomach, a golden crest depicting a pouncing lion engraved on his chest."

This sentence is long, and a bit winding, but that can all be fixed by a bit of rewording. Change it to, "Barely fitting over his stomach, the stout man was lavishly dressed in an azure tunic, a golden crest depicting a pouncing lion engraved on his chest."

....

"Servants were scurrying around carrying large plates of food or vases of flowers up and down the large staircase in the centre of the room."

This sentence could also benefit with a bit of rewording. I get what you're saying, but it's so complicated and winding that it really sticks out to the reader, distracting them. Change it to: "Carrying large plates of food or vases of flowers, the servants were scurrying up and down the large staircase in the center of the room."

....

"There, peeking from behind a wall on the second floor stood two girls, both more or less thirteen years old."

This sentence could really be benefitted by some dashes. Try it like this: "There--peeking from behind a wall on the second floor--stood two girls, both more or less thirteen years old." Dashes, in my opinion, are a great way to very sentence structure and include subtle bits of information into your piece, and so I definitely suggest using more of them in your future writing.

...

Lastly, in the sentence "I will mother," Mother should be capitalized. Usually it's not, but when calling her 'mother' as if it is a name, you need to capitalize it like one.

...

Well, that's it!!! I just want to say, I can definitely see that you are a talented writing, and I'm sure you could do great things with this piece. Just focus on rearranging any sentences that seem a little awkward or forced, and you'll be fine :).

If you ever need a review, again, feel free to ask me. Keep writing!!!!






Thank you very much, MysteryMe! I appreciate everything you said in this review and will definitely make use of your nitpicks. I'll also ask for your opinion on future chapters.
Thanks again,
Jacques



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BluesClues wrote a review...



Hang on, I have to stop right here because I'm laughing so hard:

one of those medieval monks with the bald spot surrounded by hair.


A monk's fringe, that's the word for that. Oh my gosh. "The bald spot surrounded by hair." I'm laughing so hard. Not at you, just the words are--oh my gosh. Anyway, I would suggest writing that sentence thusly:

"His fawn coloured hair was starting to thin in the centre, giving him a monk's fringe."

Dear lord. Okay. Sorry. Going to continue reading now.

I think this is a decent start, although--this is a really nitpicky thing--but if the von Durens are German and de Flesselles is French, then I'd say switch the titles. Like I would have the von Durens call him "Herr de Flesselles" and him call them "Monsieur and Madame von Duren." Or, since they're all in Paris at the moment and presumably all speaking French, they could just all use "Monsieur" and "Madame" and "Mademoiselle."

But my main thing about this chapter is--okay, fine, they're exchanging pleasantries and I am curious about the von Durens' relationship to de Flesselles. But I don't really have much of a feel for the characters yet. Which is fine somewhat--I mean, this is only a first chapter. However, I don't really have anything at all to latch onto yet. I don't know anything about any of these people at this point. And I need something, you know?

My suggestion is--okay, since Abelard is the only named family member in this chapter, I assume he's going to be our main character. In that case, start treating him like a main character. What is he thinking and feeling while his parents are talking with Monsieur de Flesselles? We get a hint of his character when he looks out the carriage window and says that Paris doesn't look very nice, but after that we lose it. The rest of the chapter is nothing but dialogue that is mostly meaningless to the reader. So to draw us in, show more of Abelard's thoughts and feelings at this point. Some potential questions to think about:

1. Is Abelard happy to be in Paris or not? Where did he live before and is he homesick? Does he feel out of place or happy to be somewhere new?
2. How does Abelard feel about M. de Flesselles at this point? Is he awkward, creeped out, intrigued?
3. What does Abelard think of his surroundings? Is M. de Flesselle's house more lavish than he's used to, less lavish, the same? Cold and unwelcoming, or homey?
4. What does Abelard think of the servants, especially the slave boy? (Who, by the way, really caught my attention for some reason. Is he going to be an actual character, or is this his only appearance?) Does he give them no thought at all? Does he think they are good or slovenly at their tasks? Does he think slavery is wrong, or does he not think about it at all? (And how does he know the boy is a slave, specifically, and not a paid servant?)
5. Is Abelard eager to explore Paris because he's adventurous and curious or because he's uncomfortable and eager to get out of M. de Flesselles' house?

So start with those questions and try to incorporate more of Abelard's thoughts and feelings into this scene. Not only will that give us a better sense of who he is, but it will also help you discover your own characters and aid you with character development.

Blue






Thanks, Blue, I really appreciate this review. I'll be sure to clarify all of the questions you raised as well incorporating more of Abelard's thoughts and feelings. Your assumption about Gacheru (the slave) is correct; he is going to be an important character in the book.
Thanks once again,
Jacques



BluesClues says...


HOORAY FOR GACHERU. Keep me posted when you write more, then, because I definitely want to see more of him and find out what role he'll have in the book.



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BrumalHunter wrote a review...



Salutations, my friend. I am glad to see the polar bear has finally emerged from his slumber.

Whenever I review a new work, I read it through first, simply enjoying the story. Then, I read through the story again, but with a more critical eye. Also, if I have already flagged a specific kind of error, I shan't do it again, so pray keep this in mind.


Chapter 1: A new beginning

The chapter's name is a tad bit unoriginal, and unless the von Durens have moved to Paris, I do not see how it is relevant. (Also, I am glad you could find a use for the link I had sent you.)

A lone carriage hopped along the cobblestone road to Paris as the sun’s rays lit up the hills to the east.

The first sentence of a novel is undeniably one of the most important, and I am happy to announce this sentence is satisfactory. I can properly visualise the environment.

The stout man was lavishly dressed in an azure tunic that barely fitting over his stomach, a golden crest depicting a pouncing lion engraved on his chest.

I am afraid here we have a contamination. Whether you had meant to say "that barely fit over his stomach," or "azure tunic, barely fitting over his stomach," I am not sure, but I would recommend the latter.

‘Lighten up, Abelard,’ the woman said to the boy as they passed through the outskirts of Paris,

‘Paris is a lovely place this time of the year.’

This is just a minor paragraphing error. I suggest joining the two.

...creating a contrast between with the white snow lying on the ground.

Another contamination. I suggest either "between it and" or simply "with".

‘Don’t fret yourself, son,’ the man said, ‘the people of France are just passing through a financial crisis, nothing more.’

Fret is an intransitive verb, and therefore cannot have an object.

He gestured with his hand to a large, elegant building, ‘Please, follow me inside.’

The comma after building should be a full stop, as the narrative does not indicate that the man is about to speak, e.g. "He gestured with his hand to a large, elegant building and said, ‘Please, follow me inside.’

Servants were scurrying around carrying large plates of food or vases of flowers up and down the large staircase in the centre of the room.

"vases containing flowers" - otherwise the vases themselves are made of flowers.

‘I am not as fit as I used to be,’ Monsieur de Flesselles said when he reached the bottom of the staircase, ‘you are welcome in my home, friend.’

The two parts of direct speech are not part of the same sentence (or at least, they shouldn't be), therefore I suggest capitalising the you and exchanging the comma preceding it for a full stop.

‘Thank you, Monsieur,’ she said, curtseying to him, ‘nd you are still as charming as ever.’

Typo.

As they walked away, Abelard called his mother.

I think you meant "called to his mother."


You have presented a fine piece of writing, and I look forward to reading more of the same. The errors I encountered were minor, with a rare few exceptions. I enjoy the manner in which you describe the characters and their surroundings, and you pay enough attention to it without making the descriptions reminiscent of an excessively baroque fugue. Your characterisation is adequate, and, most importantly, none of your writing defies the reality of France in the 1790's. A job well done.

Rating for this text: four stars (excellent)






Thank you very much, James. I'll be sure edit out the errors you pointed out.




If you steal property, you must report its fair market value...
— John Oliver