Young Writers Society

Hello,hello!Here to review this work.
So, as I see, It is short so this review may be short also so sorry about that!


So,let's start with this work correction:


I've always told you that I love the sun(.)
But when it rises in the morning,
(c)limbing into the sky(.)
The way an old man climbs a staircase:
(s)lowly, but with great determination(.)

As it reaches its long arms into gaps between curtains,
As it tickles (,)closed eyelids and leaves sweet morning dew on the grass, (repeatment of 'as if' but acceptable)

I want nothing more(,)
(t)han to untie the strands of time(.)
Like unruly shoelaces(,)
(t)o strum them like guitar strings(.)
And play a lullaby sweet enough(,)
(t)o coax the earth back to sleep,
(t)o persuade the sun to return to its hiding place
/ to many repeatments of the same word 'to'i think/
And let me lie a little longer(,)
(h)ere with you.




Sweet poetry!Keep on writing!

This poem is really sweet and beautiful. There are somethings that you can improve however. What you can do is not repeat the first words in sentences so much for example where you say, "As it reaches its long arms into gaps between curtains, As it tickles closed eyelids and leaves sweet morning dew on the grass," You need to change the word, as, you over used it there. Also, you need to improve the title, make it fitting because the title is what attracts people to read your piece. Instead of having 20 people read it, you could have 100 people read it and then this can help you get more reviews so that you can improve your poem. You could also organize your stanzas better, having a topic for each of them. What I see here is that you randomly have them in stanzas and that is not very organized.
Now to not let you down, I will say the things that are good about this piece. You have a lot of good descriptions for imagery. I love how you used the metaphor about the old man climbing a staircase because that just brought me into the poem and made me read it more and more. This poem is very good and I think that it could be labeled as romantic due to the last sentence in the poem. Thanks for making this poem and be sure to make even more.

Hi there penprincess! Here as requested~

A lot of folks have touched on grammar/construction issues so I won't repeat all the things they said and get on to content and readability!

You have a lot of very lovely sentiments here, and several really nice lines. I especially like the image of untying strands of time and strumming them like guitar strings. Such a wonderful image!

The few issues I have with this poem, though, are in how readable it is. For example, there's not much of a maintained rhythm throughout the poem due to inconsistent stanza and line lengths. As is, the poem's stanzas go from 5 lines to 2 lines to 9 lines which can get awkward to read and throws the reader out of the poem. Not every stanza has to be the same length, but there ought to be some sort of pattern to it. I would suggest making the first and third stanzas equal in length to solve that issue!

The second stanza, then, works a lot better even though the lines are almost twice as long as most other lines in the poem. The other two stanzas act as a frame to that middle bit. You might consider, though, making these two lines really pack a punch with an especially strong and relevant image - or the "climax" of the poem (if we're thinking in more story-telling terms).

The only other thing I have is the fact that the second line of the poem starts with "but" yet we don't actually get to the conclusion of that thought until the third stanza. Instead of

But when it rises in the morning,
I want nothing more
Than to untie the strands of time

But when it rises in the morning,
all this other distracting imagery
I want nothing more

I love this poem. It's very deep, and I love the way you wrote it. I don't think there is anything to note! It's perfect how it is. Understandable, truly poetic (as a poem should be) and a complete thought. It never drifts off, but stays on topic 'til the end, without losing interest or imagination.

You are blessed with a gift The whole idea just makes me melt. I do think that you should find a good title to match this great poem asap though!

I like how you compare the sun moving from the east around to the west as an old man climbing up stairs; that was funny yet serious and completely true when you think about it. I like the depiction of the suns arms reaching through curtains and tickling people's eyelids, that makes me happy!!

Overall this poem really makes the reader feel how it is to love someone and want to make your time with them never end. There is a sad note to it, and also a happy note, from my point of view.

Thanks for posting cause I enjoyed it a lot!

Hello, penprincess!

First of all, I really like this. Your imagery is fabulous, and it's such a simple wish at the end-- It's just lovely.

That being said, there are a few suggestions I'd like to present to you, in case you like them and decide to use them in your already awesome poem.

Take this next advice with a grain of salt.
I almost didn't look at your poem because of the title. To me, a poem titled "Untitled" screams pretension and a desire to have your ego stroked. In this case, the poem is very good, but I find that when "Untitled" pops up, more often than not, the poem belongs in a trash heap rather than on paper. But this poem is so good! It doesn't deserve to be nameless. Poor little guy, at least just call him "No. 1" instead of "Untitled No. 1"! It hurts my heart that such a poem must go nameless.

Personally, I prefer not to capitalize the first letter of every line, and I think your poem would look prettier if you did that, but it's a stylistic choice, so I won't go on about that too much.

Okay, you might not want to do this, and it's your right as the poet, but my skin is crawling because there isn't a comma after the first line.

Slowly, but with great determination,

As it reaches its long arms

As it tickles closed eyelids and leaves sweet morning dew on the grass

Than to untie the strands of time

To persuade the sun to return to its hiding place

I really like this! I love how you refer to time and describe how the world is just beginning to wake up, and I love the way you describe the sun. Your use of figurative language is marvelous; it adds so much color to the poem. I like the way the poem takes a turning point from describing the waking up of the world to painting imagery of falling back asleep, and suddenly, instead of time or morning or night, the poem is about being with someone you love. I love it. Your words are beautiful and I can honestly say I love every bit of this poem.

Hey!



Let me just point this out... I have a thing for mysterious titles. They thrill me. Yours definitely pulled me in. I wanted to know more, and it's quite enchanting to be honest, the way you started your poem.

"I've always told you that I love the sun,"

When I read that, I felt like you were talking to me. As though I was to blame for neglecting the fact that you've already told me that you love the sun. I felt too engaged to realise that it's not exactly me you're addressing. Nice touch.

I also enjoyed how you personified the sun. I mean, a climbing sun. That's quite mesmerising.

People could go on and on about the format of your poem, and how some of your stanzas are longer than the others, but heck. Who cares? I don't think it matters. People write to express, not to impress.

Now let's talk about this part,

"I want nothing more
Than to untie the strands of time
Like unruly shoelaces;
To strum them like guitar strings
And play a lullaby sweet enough
To coax the earth back to sleep,
To persuade the sun to return to its hiding place
And let me lie a little longer
Here with you."

Lovely imagery. Fantastic word choice. Baffling rhythm. It could use a little more structure, but I love it.

Your ideas connect too, and that's good.

I would definitely lie a little longer with whoever dedicates such writings to me. So, lucky whoever it is you've written this for. Aha.


Well done.

Write more,
Anon

Hello, here as requested! I'm actually listening to a collection of Studio Ghibli songs as I write this review, so. I'm in an unnatural good mood which may affect this review a little. So, I really once again love the imagery and the content in this poem. Everything is a beautifully constructed to contribute to an overall effect and you also chooses your words very well. There isn't much to say here that hasn't been say before, but I thought I would offer you some humble suggestions.

Than to untie the strands of time
Like unruly shoelaces;

To persuade the sun to return to its hiding place
And let me lie a little longer
Here with you.

As it reaches its long arms into gaps between curtains,
As it tickles closed eyelids and leaves sweet morning dew on the grass,

Hello! verymaryanna here as requested! Let's review…

Okay, first off, I love your imagery. It's very vivid and your use of figurative language is superb. I especially love your comparison of the sun and an old man climbing a stair-case. Very effective.

Nitpicks:

- Though I love your descriptors, they seem a bit wordy and off for this poem. It's almost like you are trying to put puzzle pieces into the wrong places- they are seem like they're going to fit, and at first glance they do, but the more you try to squeeze them in, the less they do (I am completely guilty of this too #tolkein style probs). You love your imagery (and for good reason), just with this simple of a poem, it's too much. To me, this should be a simple, sweet, sentimental minimalistic poem. If I were you, I'd either simplify or even out-right delete lines 5-7. Play around with it
- This happens again at lines 13-14, but I feel you should keep them in the poem, just maybe get rid of a few articles and dispensable words. I'd really just get rid of the "to" in line 14 and get rid of the comma at the end of line 13. You don't need a pause there.
- Personally, since this is like a groggy morning poem (in a good way!), I'd get rid of the capitalization, but that's just a me thing.
- You have some unnecessary punctuation. I've found a lot of poems on here have too many commas, which signals the reader to pause at every one, and it often times breaks the rhythm. Try reading the poem out loud a few times in different voices to see how you want the pauses (this is also a huge help for awkward words/ excessive detailing).

Over all, this is a very nice poem. It makes me thing of Romeo & Juliet Act III when the two wake up from their honeymoon night and Juliet denies until the last minute the presence of the morning sun and the chirping of the lark. It's very simple and sweet.

I see a lot of potential in your writing and I really hope to read more from you soon! Keep writing!

- verymaryanna

Timmy here for a review!!

I've always told you that I love the sun ---This line is the only line in the entire poem that is in the past tense.... What if you changed that?

As it reaches its long arms into gaps between curtains,
As it tickles closed eyelids and leaves sweet morning dew on the grass,

As it reaches its long arms into gaps between curtains,
and tickles closed eyelids and leaves sweet morning dew on the grass.

As it tickles closed eyelids and leaves sweet morning dew on the grass,

Hello there! Retro here as requested!

First of i'm going to do a few nitpicks, then talk about what I liked, okay?

The first thing I'm going to suggest is that because you've got a continous idea which does not stray off then I'd keep this as one piece. It's short enough so that you can get away

'I've always told you that I love the sun'

You need a full stop at the end here

'But when it rises in the morning,
Climbing into the sky
The way an old man climbs a staircase:
Slowly, but with great determination,'

I feel as though your wording here is a bit jilted and awkward. Personally i'd consider something along the lines of 'When it rises in the morning// it climbs into the sky//The way an old man climbs a staircase://Slowly, but with great determination.' I might have only changed a few words but I think it helps the flow a lot

'To strum them like guitar strings
And play a lullaby sweet enough
To coax the earth back to sleep,'

You just need a full stop here not a comma


Right I think that is it for nitpick now onto what I liked. Well the first thing I liked was your imagery, especially the way you talk about the string of time I think it is very well done and beautifully poetic. You have a really short sweet poem which you also make feel personal so Kudos! I have a thing about endings so I'll do a bit of brief on that now

'To coax the earth back to sleep,
To persuade the sun to return to its hiding place
And let me lie a little longer
Here with you.'

My requirements for an ending are that they must become a crux of the poem and summarise everything perfectly to leave the reader satisfied like after a good meal. You have managed that. The simplicity within the ending is so sweet and perfect and makes your poem incredibly well rounded and well written. The use of 'let' as well is nice because it implies choice and personifies the sun a bit which I think it cute!

Overall, great job!
Well Done!

(I will do your other poem in due course:P)
~Retro

This made me smile, yet there was a certain sadness to this poem that gave me a satisfying ache in my chest. Love it. x

Can I just pretend that this poem is mine? Please?

Penprincess,

I loved your similes and personification; they made me smile.

When I got to the end and realized that the whole description was about the desire to stay back in bed in the morning, I wanted to laugh at the same time that I was thinking about how short and sweet this poem was. It wasn't too much of anything, and it gave me a happy and relaxing feeling.

The only thing I would say that you might want to think about is that maybe you should separate the lines, "to strum them like guitar strings" and "and play a lullaby sweet enough" so you have an extra stanza. Not because it necessarily needs another stanza, but because I think it sounds better, and goes with the theme of a different stanza every time you use a different metaphor. Help me out here.

I wish I could take the credit for this amazing poem! Sorry for the fangirling; I can't help it.

-Savvy

This is a good poem, but there is a few things you should change to make it even better.

"Climbing into the sky
The way an old man climbs a staircase"
You should change one of the climbs to a synonym of that word. Like rises or progresses.

"As it tickles closed eyelids and leaves sweet morning dew on the grass"
You should add a comma after the "and" to identify a pause there.

"Than to untie the strands of time"
You used the wrong word. Replace "than" with "then".

But, really, it is a good poem. I loved it!! Just make those few changes, and it will make an even greater poem!!! <3