Young Writers Society

Ah I know this is an old piece, but I saw it and felt like I needed to give a comment.

Gosh this is absolutely haunting and beautiful! I don't know if I've read much of your poetry before, or maybe just haven't for a while, but you have such an intense poetic voice Glauke!

This section especially I found beautiful and striking

would you take my hand
and drown with me?

because water is just water,
and love is just love,
but both can fill your lungs
so easily.

Raindrop here for a review!First of all I want to say that I may be correcting the punctuation all over because on more places you have it,on other-you don't.So I hope this is pretty understandable why I do it.
With that put aside,as always,I love the way you are so detailed and passionate to express your thoughts in your own works.You really do your best to let us imagine the idea and situation of the work.I think that this is great!Not everyone can do that.Thank you for sharing this with us.
To be honest,I may need to say that you just ..were detailed too much?I do not know if that actually makes any sense but it is just too much.You are good at it so don't go overboard.This may be a problem also later.


if the rain fell,
drops tumbling
like clumsy rocketeers
like apologies -
carefully chosen words
painted across the cheeks
of the bare earth

if the rain fell,
and it kept falling;
would you name each drop?
would you catch them
in your hands and
lace your fingers together
like little lovers
or the tangled strings
of an old harpsichord?

would you turn your face
to the amber sky
and feel the rain fall
onto your chin and run
down your neck
like the sweet nectar
from the first bite
of a ripe papaya?

would you let the rain write a novel
on your skin, allow it to inscribe
words of grace and redemption into
the crooks of your elbows,
the small of your back,
the place where your jaw meets your neck?

if the rain fell,
and it was falling forever,
if cities and homes, and factories
became dark glassy seas,
would you swim?
If the moon hung low in the sky,
and the horizon was blurred
by a shuffling darkness.
And the stars were blown out,
like birthday candles.
if you had nothing left,
but the knowledge that water
is just water, and love,
is just love,
would you swim?
Or would you take my hand
and drown with me?

Because water is just water,
and love is just love,
but both can fill your lungs
so easily.

Hiya pen! Lauren here as requested~

This is quite the lovely poem. Your images are strong and clear, and do a lot to create an overall atmosphere. You definitely have an ability to spin words into something that the reader can really picture and immerse themselves in.

My only criticism, really, is that there is so much great imagery it detracts from the impact of what you're trying to get across here. Comparing love to rain is beautiful, and the last stanza of the poem is absolutely gorgeous and very fitting but by the time you get to it the reader is kind of like "yeah, I get it, we're talking about the rain". So my big suggestion would be to trim the entire poem down, take a few of the strongest images and lose the rest.

Then, when the reader gets to that last stanza it has all that power behind it and leaves a strong, lasting impact on the reader. One of the best things poetry can do is to get across a beautiful, strong image in few words and I think this poem definitely has that potential.

Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!

-Lauren-

Timmy here for a review!!

Nitpicks first!!

and it kept falling; ---You don't have punctuation throughout your poem, save for in the first line of each stanza, and then you put it here? Seems out of place.

like the sweet nectar
from the first bite
of a ripe papaya? ---I think you could cut out the second line, "from the first bite", because the sweet nectar doesn't run down your neck only during the first bite.

Spoiler! :

This is something short, but I think it might help you a little bit, as it helped me. The fewest words you can use in fiction is best, and I think that applies towards poetry as well... So an example, a simple example, is hair. Say light blonde hair... Well, that can be shortened to blonde hair, because blonde hair is light to begin with. --And this isn't saying that you have an infinite amount of words that don't add anything to your poetry. Its just an interesting thought that I figured you might be interested in.

if the moon hung low in the sky
and the horizon was blurred
by a shuffling darkness
and the stars were blown out
like birthday candles,

but the knowledge that water
is just water, and love
is just love,

But the knowledge that water is just water,
and love is just love.

but both can fill your lungs
so easily.

Hai, Laure here for a review on this wonderful poem as requested, I remember reading this a while earlier and wished to review it. So, I see you have decided to change the ending a bit, which is quite good compare to the original one. So first off, I would like to say that I absolutely adore some of the metaphors and similes in here that creates a wonderful and unique tapestry for rain and love. Some of these metaphors are some of the most creative and wonderful comparison I've read for a while. While I read, I can picture the rain so clearly as if it were falling outside. (Ahhh well, it actually is raining but not as lovely as the rain in your poem. Is a cold, harsh biting rain.)

So, a lot of the reviewers before me had already pointed out a lot of the things I want to say. However, the one thing I would like to point out is that your lines tend to repeat certain pronouns and words, look, call me nitpicks but I think that in a poem like this. It would be nice, if you can shorten the use of 'is' 'or' 'and' 'if' because these conjuncation can actually make your sentences long winded and make some of your imagery not as sharp as it could be.

Hmm, I don't really have a lot of criticism for this wonderful poem, there are some places where the metaphors could be better but honestly, I'm not going to be all nitpicky about that because I believe that each metaphor must symbolize something to the writer.

~Cheers, keep on writing!!

-Laure

Hello! Another review! Here we go…

Again, as in your other poem, I loved your use of figurative language and imagery; it's really your strong point in writing. Everything is very, very detailed and explained, maybe even a bit too much.

That being said, let's get onto nitpicks:

- Like I said above and in your previous poem, it's a bit too descriptive for the subject at hand and for a poem as a whole. I absolutely love imagery, but this seems too heavy for this and it overflows from the sides. You've established a wonderfully smooth tone and rhythm, and I hate to see some of it bogged down by a lot of descriptors. Just try reading it aloud to see what you think.
- In your first long stanza, you don't have a lot of punctuation, but in your second one, you make more, and you may want to watch for little consistency things like that. It can upset the rhythm a little, barely, but noticeable enough to be a ripple in a big, still lake.
- This is just the pianist's daughter in me springing forward, but in your line "of an old harpsichord", it doesn't make much sense because you allude to a string instrument, but a harpsichord is kind of like the pre-piano (you know in Baroque-era music the instrument that makes the tingy sound? Prevalent in some Mozart and a lot of Bach? Harpsichord). This is totally a picky thing that you can 100% ignore since technically, harpsichords do have strings, but that's a little fyi
- The fifth stanza, going along with excessive detail, is a bit too long for the rest of the poem. I'd either break it up or take out some description, but that's mainly a visual thing for me. Again, ignore if you so choose

I really do love your poetry. It's wonderfully vivid, even if at times too much so (better too much than too little!), and I enjoy reading it. Please keep up this caliber of work and I hope to see more soon! Happy writing!

- verymaryanna

Hey Retro here for a review!

First of I'll do nitpicks then talk about what I liked, okay?

Now, this is important to me; consistancy. Some of your stanzas have close to no punctation and then some you have lots. I think you should choose one and keep with it for the entire poem, personally I think without but that might just be me, but i'd maintain it.

Bearing this is mine I won't be commenting on many grammartical errors because i'm going to assume they shouldn't be there

'painted across the cheeks
of the bare earth'

I would revise the position of Bare. I think the bare cheeks of the earth sounds much better and flows smoother.

Actually, that is it. This is a pretty fantastic piece of poetry. I love your imagery, especially the papaya bit that is very sensual and well written. I love the idea of love intertwined into it, a bit like a I want to say I love you but I don't want to sort of thing. Excellently done. And i'm going to have to briefly mention one of the most inspiring stanzas i've ever read;

'if the rain fell,
and it kept falling;
would you name each drop?
would you catch them
in your hands and
lace your fingers together
like little lovers
or the tangled strings
of an old harpsichord? '

That is poetry. The idea of naming every drop is sublime and I love it.
I have a thing about endings so I'll quickly analyse yours

' because water is just water,
and love is just love,
but both can fill your lungs
so easily.

thank you, rain, for falling. '

For me, the ending of a poem needs to be a crux. A nice summary that leaves the reader satisfied like after having a good meal. Right, I adore this poem (hence the like) but I am not the biggest fan of the ending. I think if you got rid of that last line that your poem would become so much more powerful, like a hard hitting realisation punch that makes the reader go wow. I think at the minute, we get a bit of a weak ending, to a very strong poem. If I were you I'd do a little work, it's not bad, but that last line doesn't do this any justice

Keep it up!
*Liked*

~Retro

Heyo! Subtle here for a review! With this review, I shall break my review hiatus, so let's get down to business.

I'm going to start with the positives, so, as a self proclaimed pluviophille I am probably a bit biased in reviewing this poem as I love the rain myself. And albeit a bit long, I still adore how this poem depicted the rain. It paints a really bright and beautiful picture for readers of raindrops falling from the sky with all it's beauty. I notice that you use very good simile and metaphors, you use unique and not overrated ones and yet they express what you want so well. To me, rain was bursting with different flavors in this dream which was absolutely amazing. I don't have much nitpicks for this lovely poem, save for a few.

'like apologies'
'carefully chosen words'

Hm, I'm not sure how these two line connect, also they read a bit choppy. To me, the poem would have worked as well without the second line and still made sense.

Like I said, I really don't have much to say. This poem is a solely lovely, keep up the good work!

-S.s

So drowning is equivalent to being head over heels in love, mmh? That's kinda different. I am typically turned off by love poetry, but this was very sweet. I absolutely adored your "lace your fingers together...of an old harpsichord?" so much. That was just beautiful. Then you made me feel like 'a kid with my pockets fuel of melted candy' sticky with "like the sweet nectar...of a ripe papaya" which I think contradicts the refreshing feeling of rain you might have been shooting for.
Your imagery of the night sky was very enjoyable. Nice work.
Overall this is a very pretty piece, I wish there was capitalization, but yo. I'm not going to try to stunt your creativity. Keep writing, I'd like to read more of your pretty words.