It was the end of the school day, as I made my way home, that was when I saw him. He was sitting in our usual spot, his eyes closed as if he were asleep. My feet carried me to him, as if a spell had over taken them. They stopped right in front of the one who held my attention, his beautiful mint green eyes glancing up at me. I took a seat next to him, he didn't stir from his position. I reached a hand out to place on his shoulder, but he quickly moved away.
His cold calculated glare was all he gave in response to his sudden movement. How strange. Why on earth is he behaving this way towards me? I asked myself. He had always been kind and welcoming... Perhaps he has grown tired of my affections.
He had gotten up and walked a good distance before I noticed his leave, lost in my thoughts. I called out his name, a strain in my voice as I struggled to keep the tears at bay. He stopped mid walk, his gaze glancing my way, that cold calculating glare in his eyes again.
"Don't you love me anymore?" I finally questioned him, a tear escaping despite my efforts.
He ignored my question and continued walking away. I stood there, an expression of disbelief clearly written on my face. An aura of defeat soon came over me, as I slowly returned to my seat, dragging my feet as I went.
I do not know how long I sat there, dejected to the world around me. It could have been a few minutes or even an hour, but I knew it had been for a while. "He doesn't love me anymore," I sighed, as the very thought had been bouncing around in my mind, wrecking chaos to my already chaotic mind.
Suddenly, I became aware to a familiar presence to my left. I sat up from my slouch position. Why is HE back? I hissed, my eyes trying to catch a glance at his. I ignored his form as he took a seat beside me, my head turned away from his direction. He then place his head on my lap, his gaze turned up to meet mine.
Shocked at his actions, I raise my hand to stroke his head, afraid that if I moved to quickly, he would leave again. Slowly, ever so slowly, I place my hand on the top of his head and gave a scratch behind his ear, I was rewarded with a purr that could have rivaled a motorcycle. What little doubt I had left in my mind soon vanish as the sounds of purrs and mews filled the air.
"You really do love me, don't you?" I cooed to the fully grown tabby in my lap.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
I read the first line from Storybraniac's review ("Hah! I almost thought that the 'him' was a boy."), and then I read the story myself. I automatically thought 'cat', only because I have had several cats, and this is exactly how they behave. XD
I loved it, though! Had I not seen Story's line, I might have fallen for it as others did. (This is not a review, by the way; I feel it has already been reviewed so that there is nothing more for me to say on this lovely piece.)
Hey there! Stor here to review. Hah! I almost thought that the 'him' was a boy. This was really funny, although I thought it was something romantic at the beginning. I guess the seats you are talking about are in a bus, right? Anyway, I did not seem to find any spelling errors or grammatical mistakes or anything. So, good job. I know this is a really short review, but, what else can you right for an excellent short story? So this was really good and since I liked it, I would like to give a like. Keep writing.
-Stor
This is really funny! I love it! When it was under the category of humor, I was thinking it was put under the wrong category, but then I thought, oh maybe it was the wrong boy or man or kid or whatever it was. Then it was a dog! I think it is very well thought out! However, one thing I noticed was a bit of confusion on the past present or future tense. There is a part that says "his mint green eyes glancing up at me" which would be present tense, then "I reached out a hand" which would be past tense. To correct this you could try glanced instead of glancing. This is only my opinion. Keep up the good work!
Ermahgerd, epic plot twist!
So, Bol here, and that previous statement sums up my thoughts on this. Just so funny!
From the first word I thought this would be one of those stories I hate, dripping with romance , angsty feelings and a 'perfect' love interest of the protagonist, but I read on because I saw your story listed as 'comedy' and my my, this was a comedy piece!
Now, evident by what I said earlier, I don't like romances but romances generally put a lot of emphasis on descriptions of emotions and you nailed the one here on the nose and I was intrigued how this could be a comedy, then you suddenly changed it and it all made sense, this is a nice, original piece, so I applaud you on that.
I won't remind you on the errors that the people before me have noted, I find that super annoying personally, so I'll just skip that little part. I just love cats, even though I'm more of a dog person, but pets are just the best, when they get old you can just give them to that Korean Store down the road! Jk, but pets are awesome.
So, nice piece overall and please, keep on writing.
I'm so glad you enjoyed it! >v< I actually have both cats and dogs, so I have to agree that pets are awesome, haha! Thank you for leaving a review! >w< (Sorry for the overuse of exclamations, I'm just happy people like my story.)
Hey, it's J.R. Spotswood here for a review. I do not have much time so, instead of grammar, I will review the content.
At first I was expecting a sappy teenage love story (sorry), but then the ending changed my view and made me love it a lot. It was a very sweet and even comical twist. It reminds me of my relationship with my dog who often growls at me when he wants to be left alone. Anyway, I did not understand why the narrator did not encounter the cat at the house instead of at the park, where I pictured the story to take place, that is unless he was meant to be a stray, which is the notion I am currently getting.
I think the whole stray idea is nice, but it makes me sort of sad as well, because there is still that implied concept that he could leave at any time and not return, but I think you could play with him as being your actual pet. But that all depends on how you word it because it may come across as irrelevant.
Anyway, it leaves the whole stray concept up to the imagination. Why isn't he her pet? Do her parents not allow animals? They are simple questions that I asked myself, but, despite the simplicity, it does leave it up to the imagination.
Sorry the review was so hasty, but I would have more time if I didn't have school. Let me know when you've posted another work.
- J.R. Spotswood
Thank you for taking the time to read and review! >v< As for the stray concept, it never occurred to me that the cat in the story could be seen as a stray. It's so exciting to see the different thoughts and opinions people have when they read my story, so I thank you again for sharing your views! >v<
Hey you. ^^ Figured I drop off a review.
Comma splice.
Another comma splice. Use a word like "and" for a smoother transition.
You switch tenses here.
You already used this. Go for something else.
Okay so. You dork. xD You totally spoiled it for me before I even read this, so my reaction wasn't as unique as it should've been, but alas. Oh well.
I like that you talked about the cat as if he were a real person in the beginning. You used simple things that both cats and humans have, like eyes and shoulders, and movements that we share, like glaring and walking. That helped create the illusion that this person was a male up until the second to last paragraph, with the purring. And while humans can purr, it's still odd to see it used as it was used. And then... wow. It's a cat. xD
I enjoyed the suspense effect this story had, and the slow build up. You had us asking many questions, wondering why this person was mad at the narrator and what's going on and why this was happening. The fact that there was hardly any dialogue sucked, as stories are generally stronger with it, but now we understand because cats can't talk (except Cheshire <_<)
Overall, I enjoyed it very much and I'm not just saying that because you're my friend.
Hope that helps.
~Iggy
Sorry for ruin the ending before you go to read it, Iggy, but thank you for leaving a review. ^w^
I think your writing style shows a lot of promise. The description is generally good and what little dialogue there is seems natural. It does seem like this piece of work is written entirely because of the twist at the end, so it's not that substantial, but it's an enjoyable little read and I'd really like to see what would happen if you tried to right something a bit longer with a bit of a plot.
A couple of things I think could be better:
I'm not sure this sentence makes much sense, you might want to read over it again and move the words about a bit. Also, there should be a comma after cold (so it should be: "His cold, calculating glare...")
Like an earlier poster, I think that the repeat of 'cold, calculating glare' is clunky, although I can see why you did it, and I think the first part of the sentence would flow better if it was simply: 'He stopped mid-walk and glanced my way..." In fact, I think a small problem with your writing style (and I only say this because I know I have the same problem), is that you occasionally use overly complex phrases when simple ones would make your point just as well, if not better. This can make you sound a little pretentious, although I'm sure that's not the intention. Examples:
Could easily be: I stopped in front of him, and he glanced up at me with his beautiful mint green eyes. (Oh, and although I think that talking about eye colour in stories is usually superfluous, it works well here in my opinion.)
Could easily be: My feet dragged as I returned to my seat, defeated.
I hope I haven't been to harsh, and as I said, I'd really like to see more of your writing, especially on a slightly more ambitious project!
No, no you weren't harsh at all, any criticism or suggestions I am happy to receive! Thank you for reading and leaving a review. >v<
This is my first official review, so here it goes!
I want to start by saying I liked the beginning. It seems as if it will be a love story, and I'm awed my a good, written love story.
There are a few grammatical errors; I try to do well with my grammar so these things catch my eye. Try and re-read your posts looking for these things as you go. Maybe that will help a little.
"It was the end of the school day, as I made my way home, that was when I saw him."
This could be two separate sentences. "I was making my way home at the end of the school day. That was when I saw him." Or it could just be worded differently. Example: " As I was making my way home after a long day of school, I saw him." I'm not telling you it has to be my exact words, those are just some suggestions to make it more readable. It's a little tough to get through as it is now.
One thing I'm a skeptical about: the way you have written this makes it seem as if the tabby and the boy may be the same person. You don't really give them a separation, or let the reader know the person walking up has changed. I'm trying to make sense of the boy walking away and a tabby coming up, which I understood in my mind after reading it over a couple of times.
I hope this helps and I look forward to reading the rest of your creation! Maybe everything I'm saying makes sense! All-in-all I think you have a good beginning to a great story!
- Cay
Thank you for the advice and I will start making changes to the story. And I am sorry for the confusion, but the tabby is the boy. The story is about my cat. XD
Oh!! Haha no, that's totally okay. I make mistakes like that more than I do anything correctly. Thanks for clarifying though! Keep writing
I was confused for a second there, wondering why one would pet someones head :/
This was oh so adorable, and even if I'm more of a dog person, it still made me aww internally
I found that the repeating of "cold calculating glare" didn't sound that good, perhaps you could change it into simply " cold glare", as it sounds less repetitive and, at least according to me, fits well into the story.
Otherwise I found no other grammatical errors, and it was a very cute little short story
Keep up the good work
Thank you for reading my story! >v< I was wondering if I was being repetitive, so thank you again for the advice. I'll get started on fixing the mistakes.