Back again!
He said he would be waiting in here. I must tell him! Where is he?
Internal dialogue should leave room open for interpretation. If it doesn't, it's like over-describing a character; it drains all the juice. And, up until this point, where it crumbled, the narrator's been crafting a modern, realistic tone. The auxiliary verbs, too; they crumbled, but you can't replace them, as that'd affect the meaning.
It'd be far more effective as narration, anyway. As megsug mentioned, nonverbal communication. The pace accelerated because the detail decelerated. As for characters, same situation: the dialogue's fluent, but it doesn't tell us as much about him as, say, Captain Queeg rolling his steel balls.
The characters' voices are also difficult to distinguish. Each features cordiality, charm, potent emotions, sarcasm: the typical protagonist. (I'll use Harry Potter as an example here—hoping you don't hate it.) Ron Weasley I remembered because he was different, and his dialogue was different, with rhetorical questions and combining phrases like "I don't know" into "I dunno."
An entire class of school children
The students
"Schoolchildren" is just a compound word. It'd also be simpler to use "students" there instead, so you don't have to switch and so it doesn't confuse the audience.
class 'B'!
Should be "Class B."
he breathed slowly through his mouth.
This isn't a technical error, but it sounds so ... meh. Bland. Even something like "the air scraped harshly through his airways" would serve. I know loads of people who breathe slowly when they're breathing normally, so this doesn't say much or spark alarm.
Are you... Are you crying?"
If you're capitalizing after an ellipsis, that ellipsis should mark the end of a sentence, so you need a period: "Are you.... Are you crying?" Capitalization isn't even necessary, though: "Are you ... are you crying?"
(Spacing with ellipses gets awkward, so I usually don't discuss it, but if the ellipsis is in the middle of a sentence, there should be a space before and after. It's a common mistake.)
"Thank you, Julie. It's just, coming back to Melliark. It reminds me of Kaycia.
Forgot a quotation mark here.
“I, I don't remember much of when she looked after Radi and I, but I…”
Should be: "I—I don't remember much of when she looked after Radi and I ... but I ..."
Okay, I can't help commenting on how sweet this scene is. How she wanted to linger ... heartstring-tugger. It got sappy toward the middle, but that'll be mended with more detail and description.
hoping that Radi's brief silence
If the silence hasn't been broken, she can't judge its length.
"Melliark has been somewhat disappointing to be honest."
Comma before "to."
"It’s the truth my friend.
Comma before "my."
"N-No it's not alright," he replied. "You we're disappointed when I didn't go.
The sappiness flamed up here again. It's acceptable, though, as long as you add more detail and description, as aforementioned. Grammar: should be "N-No, it's not all right," he replied. "You were disappointed[...]"
Sorry that this is so short. Your style and voice are strong, as before. The plot's developing well and at an even pace. You've basically got everything nailed. And the flow! In a way, things flowed better in this piece, because of the frequent paragraph breaks. I love frequent paragraph breaks; I don't see them enough. Agh, excuse my grammar. Fabulous job, as usual.
Keep it up! Looking forward to more!
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