z

Young Writers Society


16+

The Roads of Marceris Ch.9 (2/2)

by DudeMcGuy


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

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Juliana could hardly contain her excitement as she sprinted from the west hall and into the chapel. She stopped and caught her breath while looking for Dyne. He said he would be waiting in here. I must tell him! Where is he?

An entire class of school children ran past her and joined a disorganized queue of older students near the door. The students laughed and played among themselves as they anxiously waited out the last few moments of the day.

"There he is!" Juliana spotted Dyne on the same bench from earlier. "Oh, excuse me." She gently made her way through the crowd of students waiting at the door. "Grandpa!" Juliana exclaimed as she jogged to the bench. "Father Halvard put me in class 'B'! I'm starting next week!"

But Dyne did not move or react to Juliana's announcement. He sat motionless, hunched over and staring at the floor.

"Grandpa?" Juliana leaned forward and looked at him. The wrinkled skin around his eyes appeared reddened, and he breathed slowly through his mouth. "Grandpa? Are you alright?"

"Oh, Julie," he said as he turned away and wiped his eyes with his sleeve. "You're back."

"What's wrong, Grandpa? Are you... Are you crying?"

The church bells began to ring above them, and the school children let out a collective cheer as they pushed open the doors of the chapel and ran outside.

Dyne turned to Juliana. "Looks like it," he said forcing a weak smile. A tear rolled down his cheek as he let out a nervous laugh. "I haven't done this in a long, long time."

Her grandfather's emotional state caught Juliana by surprise, but she did not hesitate to sit and embrace him. "It's alright, Grandpa. You've had to keep many things to yourself. Don't be ashamed of anything."

Dyne raised his head and took a deep breath. "Thank you, Julie. It's just, coming back to Melliark. It reminds me of Kaycia.

Juliana bit her lower lip as she tried to recall the few childhood memories of her grandmother. That's right; it’s been nearly eight years since Grandma... She tried to speak, but the words would not come.

"I promised her I would show her Melliark one day," Dyne mumbled, "but whenever I even mentioned the possibility she said it wasn't worth it. And now that I've come back I can only think of her. Everywhere we’ve been has just reminded me of all the promises I made. I wonder what she would say if she could see me now. If I could talk to her..." His voice trailed off as he looked down once again.

"I miss Grandma too," Juliana stammered. “I, I don't remember much of when she looked after Radi and I, but I…” Oh dear, what should I say?

Silence came over them as they sat alone in the chapel.

Oh, of course! The letter! Juliana reached into the legging of her boot and felt for the folded peice of paper she wrote the day before. She found the page and quickly unfolded it in front of Dyne.

"What's this?" he asked.

"I wrote this yesterday, Grandpa. It's for Father and Mother, but I want you to read it too. Skip to the middle." She handed the letter to him and pointed to where she wanted him to begin.

Dyne wiped his eyes and held the letter close, mouthing the words as he read to himself. "Oh, Julie--" his voiced cracked as he covered his mouth.

"I love you, Grandpa," Juliana said as she embraced Dyne from his side. "Nothing can change that. I don't care what Radi or even Father says."

Dyne placed his arm around Juliana's shoulders as he finished reading. He folded the page and smiled as he handed it back to her. "Thank you, Julie. I love you too."

They embraced each other as they stood.

"Well then, we better be on our way," Dyne said as he took a deep breath and regained his composure. "Your brother is going to have my head."

Juliana paused and looked around the chapel. "Um, Grandpa?"

"Yes?"

"There's no one here now. Could we, um, do you think we could linger just a little longer? Just the two of us?"

Dyne smiled and stared at her. "Of course, Julie,” he said as they sat once again, "I think I would like that."

Juliana rested her head against Dyne's shoulder. "Thank you, Grandpa. For everything."

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Lucian lay on his back and stared at the canvas ceiling of the wagon, hoping that Radi's brief silence was a sign that he was finally finished ranting. I really should have gone with her, he thought. But at least Radi is no longer--

“You know, Lucian," Radi said, "Melliark has been somewhat disappointing to be honest."

“How so?” Lucian mumbled, apathetic to the answer.

“Well, once you’re accustomed to the size of the city, it begins to feel just like any other town. And the women here aren’t nearly as attractive as the old man described. I mean, I've seen only four or five this entire time that have made me want to take a second look. And that's being generous.”

“You’re lucky Juliana isn’t here,” Lucian said as he sat up.

Radi laughed at Lucian's response. "It’s the truth my friend. I'd say it whether she was here or not. And she would just-- wait! Finally!" Radi ran to the front of the wagon and began to untie the horses from the fencepost. "It’s them, they're finally back!”

Lucian looked across the street to see Juliana and Dyne walking quickly down the church’s stone steps. I've got to apologize, he thought. He sprang to his feet, leapt out of the wagon, and ran towards her.

"Tell them to hurry!" Radi shouted after him.

"We've plenty of time, Child!" Dyne yelled from across the street. "The barracks is less than an hour from here!"

"Don't even start, Old Man!" Radi retorted. "We should have been there hours ago! What took you so damn long?"

Lucian sprinted to Juliana and stopped just short of her path, causing them to both stop in the middle of the empty street. "Um, Juliana, I..." He waited for Dyne to pass her.

"What is it, Lucian?" she said as she looked up at him, raising her eyebrow.

"I, uh, I wanted to say I'm sorry for not going in with you. I, I don't know why I--"

"Oh, that's alright," she said with a smile.

Lucian shook his head. "N-No it's not alright," he replied. "You we're disappointed when I didn't go. I shouldn't have refused. Especially after all that you've done for me. I mean, I wouldn't have even made it this far if--"

"Really, Lucian," Juliana interrupted as she stepped closer to him. "It's fine. I was sad when you didn't come with us, but I forgive you. It wasn't fair of me to expect that of you as a new believer." She smiled and stepped closer. "But I hope you'll come in next time."

Lucian nodded and smiled back at her. "I will. I promise. I won’t disappoint you like that again."

"Hey!" Radi shouted from the wagon. "What part of hurry did you two not understand?"


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Fri Jun 13, 2014 1:49 am
GoldFlame wrote a review...



Back again!

He said he would be waiting in here. I must tell him! Where is he?


Internal dialogue should leave room open for interpretation. If it doesn't, it's like over-describing a character; it drains all the juice. And, up until this point, where it crumbled, the narrator's been crafting a modern, realistic tone. The auxiliary verbs, too; they crumbled, but you can't replace them, as that'd affect the meaning.

It'd be far more effective as narration, anyway. As megsug mentioned, nonverbal communication. The pace accelerated because the detail decelerated. As for characters, same situation: the dialogue's fluent, but it doesn't tell us as much about him as, say, Captain Queeg rolling his steel balls.

The characters' voices are also difficult to distinguish. Each features cordiality, charm, potent emotions, sarcasm: the typical protagonist. (I'll use Harry Potter as an example here—hoping you don't hate it.) Ron Weasley I remembered because he was different, and his dialogue was different, with rhetorical questions and combining phrases like "I don't know" into "I dunno."

An entire class of school children

The students


"Schoolchildren" is just a compound word. It'd also be simpler to use "students" there instead, so you don't have to switch and so it doesn't confuse the audience.

class 'B'!


Should be "Class B."

he breathed slowly through his mouth.


This isn't a technical error, but it sounds so ... meh. Bland. Even something like "the air scraped harshly through his airways" would serve. I know loads of people who breathe slowly when they're breathing normally, so this doesn't say much or spark alarm.

Are you... Are you crying?"


If you're capitalizing after an ellipsis, that ellipsis should mark the end of a sentence, so you need a period: "Are you.... Are you crying?" Capitalization isn't even necessary, though: "Are you ... are you crying?"

(Spacing with ellipses gets awkward, so I usually don't discuss it, but if the ellipsis is in the middle of a sentence, there should be a space before and after. It's a common mistake.)

"Thank you, Julie. It's just, coming back to Melliark. It reminds me of Kaycia.


Forgot a quotation mark here.

“I, I don't remember much of when she looked after Radi and I, but I…”


Should be: "I—I don't remember much of when she looked after Radi and I ... but I ..."

Okay, I can't help commenting on how sweet this scene is. How she wanted to linger ... heartstring-tugger. It got sappy toward the middle, but that'll be mended with more detail and description.

hoping that Radi's brief silence


If the silence hasn't been broken, she can't judge its length.

"Melliark has been somewhat disappointing to be honest."


Comma before "to."

"It’s the truth my friend.


Comma before "my."

"N-No it's not alright," he replied. "You we're disappointed when I didn't go.


The sappiness flamed up here again. It's acceptable, though, as long as you add more detail and description, as aforementioned. Grammar: should be "N-No, it's not all right," he replied. "You were disappointed[...]"

Sorry that this is so short. Your style and voice are strong, as before. The plot's developing well and at an even pace. You've basically got everything nailed. And the flow! In a way, things flowed better in this piece, because of the frequent paragraph breaks. I love frequent paragraph breaks; I don't see them enough. Agh, excuse my grammar. Fabulous job, as usual.

Keep it up! Looking forward to more! :D




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Sun Jun 08, 2014 4:09 pm
megsug wrote a review...



I am so sorry at how long it's been.

A nitpick or two. Okay... Just one. I can't find the other one I saw during my read through.

"N-No it's not alright,"

I just don't know why he's stuttering. It might be a character trait that I don't know about because I haven't read the other chapters, but he hasn't been stuttering before, and it seems like a strange place for him to start.

Onto the real review~

Aw, what cute character interaction here. I'm really charmed by all of these characters by this point. I think the chapter as a whole has really developed them well.

What I want to point out this time is dialogue. I could never really lose myself in this chapter because the dialogue was constantly reminding me that this wasn't real. Your dialogue has a tendency to be stiff and, at times, tired and overused.

"What's wrong, Grandpa? Are you... Are you crying?"

This is the first time the dialogue caught my attention.

"I love you, Grandpa," Juliana said as she embraced Dyne from his side. "Nothing can change that. I don't care what Radi or even Father says."

This is where I thought it was a little cliched. It also seems like a strange thing for a granddaughter to say to her grandfather. Maybe that's just me though.

Then, the apology/forgiveness scene made me roll my eyes a bit because it was a little heavy handed.

I think my main issue is your dialogue is paired with boring actions or is just by itself. I think I may have touched on this in the review of the first part. I mean, the dialogue is the only thing that I have to pay attention to. If you added some description and some meaningful body language, that might be different.

I'd also suggest actively trying to give each character their own voicing. That might help you steer clear of overused dialogue.

I'm afraid that was a little harsh :/ Sorry if it was.

Like I said, I love your characters. I think you've done a fantastic job with their interactions. Dialogue is really the only thing that's bothering me. After that, you'll be golden.

I'd like to be updated when you post the next chapter if you don't mind.
Megs~




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Wed May 21, 2014 5:49 am
Deanie wrote a review...



Hey there! It's me again :)

You do make it awfully hard for me to review your chapters because they basically cover everything they should do, and there are no nitpicks for me whatsoever. But there is one thing you could do which would just be to take everything a little bit further, sinking deeper into the emotions and into the descriptions, which would really captivate the readers, I'd think.

One of those times could be when she is thinking about her grandmother who has passed away a while ago. You did tell us Juliana was thinking of the memories, but it would be nice if we could see what some of those memories were. For example, show us her heart shaped and gentle face, her wrinkles that show wisdom and her smile as she worked away in the kitchen. Remind of us of how Grandpa and her would sit and watch the skies as she played outside. Or something that gives us more of an emotional attachment.

Another case would be when Radi is saying that this city is the same as any other, you could point out what is so samey. The same brick roads and church towers, all different colours but all the same type. It was almost as if he could never escape from them, wherever he went. Or something of that sort.

My last part was where I really wanted more emotion, when Juliana and Lucian are apologizing! I am totally one for the mushy stuff I am afraid :P So you have to give it to me. Lucian wanted to apologise, but what was he noticing while he was looking at Juliana. Was he looking at her eyes to know she was sincere in forgiveness? Or at the at the way her the sun glided off her hair, making it glow. Small things like that, although sometimes clichéd, is what you notice when you fancy someone. :)

But really, other than more description and emotion, there is not a thing I could ask. I would really love to continue reading this. So just message me on my wall when you do, or something! ^.^ You've got a brilliant way of writing.

Deanie x




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Wed May 14, 2014 1:46 am
Shady wrote a review...



Dude!

You did a direct continuation of your chapter, so I'm going to do a direct continuation of my review.

joined a disorganized queue of older students
~ You might reconsider your choice of wording there. Queue sort of feels... electronic-ish? and out of place in a fantasy story.

"There he is!" Juliana spotted Dyne
~ Why is this italicized? The italicized words *and* quotation marks are throwing me off. Did she say that? Think it? I don't really know what's going on here.

Okay, I like the interaction Juliana and Dyne have-- like the fact that she's trying to hard to comfort her Grandfather, and feeling awkward about it... but it feels a bit randomly placed. Like, she's all excited about something, and then suddenly very somber and mushy with the letter, and then-- just a lot of emotional changes. And Dyne didn't really give any indication of missing his wife before this sudden emotional breakdown... did he? Sorry if I've forgotten some blatant reminiscent thing he's done.

"We've plenty of time, Child!" Dyne yelled from across the street.
~ I like how this lead into Radi making himself look like a jerk, but I kind of feel like Dyne wouldn't be so provoking-- not after having just had private time with his granddaughter, and been thinking about his wife. I feel like he'd still be a bit mushy-- not looking for a fight.
~

Okay! Another good chapter, though I think I preferred part one, tbh... but, then, we both know that I don't do well with mushy relationship things, so it might just be me being cold and callous xD. I do really like how you ended with Radi being a jerk. He's making me want to smack him upside the head, which is good for the type of character that he is, I guess xD

Keep me updated.
~Shady 8)





Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything's different?
— C.S. Lewis