z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Brazzaville.

by Willard


A/N: I’m not trying to write this as I think I’m intelligent for writing this.

Our life goal is to outdo each other. Whether it is sports, women, success, you name it. We live in a world where we scavenge each other. Our mission is to top the food chain. Sometimes we murder, or play dirty. We all have a dirty little thing that gets us on top. You can use steroids to become the home run king, or fraud to control the market. It’s never about the quality, it’s all about the volume.

I am more of a quality person. I think how to execute actions before doing it. That never goes well for people who commit premeditated murder, but I’m not any psychopath. I honestly don’t know what I am anymore. I think I had a wife and two kids, but I’m unsure about it. Past memories of mine have a tendency to fade away. I do know one thing.

My life has no plot.

I’ve spent the last ten years traveling across the U.S. I have gone on “artistic” benders, where I attempt to write a book but it ends up turning bland once I actually write it. My advanced English teacher in 8th grade had us write a short story. I kept on thinking I had a great idea, but I couldn’t continue on it. I eventually settled on a somewhat bland and uninteresting story.

That’s when I started thinking ahead, attempting to make anything perfect. For some reason, I’ve been chasing something I can’t find. It’s been generic, just like that story. Once I’ve written a good story, I will reach the top of my food chain. One problem about my story though, is that a character heard the narrator’s rant in the beginning. I was too lazy to add quotations to it. I left it there for comedic effect. The narrator wanted to talk to the reader and the other character directly. Sounds pretty stupid, huh?

“No, that’s amazing!” She exclaimed, with a smile. She plays with her pen, then starts writing. I could tell she is writing in cursive, as the pen never rarely leaves the paper. I take a sip of my coffee and stare at her.

“Was it good enough to write an article about it?” I ask the reporter. Her grin stretches ear to ear like she was in a Soundgarden video. The place in my mind that over exaggerates things can’t tell whether it is a genuine or false smile. I lost my concern about it, realizing happiness can be faked at times.

“I could write a lot about you! Quick question, where do you go to find what you’re looking for?” Her pitch changes tone after her statement. It was a happy tone at first, but then it dropped like she was Nancy Grace.

“I follow where my mind goes.” I reply, kicking my feet up on the table. Her expression is a mix of “I found a pot of gold” and “this guy’s favorite character is Holden Caulfield”.

“Names Edith Moore. Yours?” She reaches out her hand. I stand up and take it.

“Mayer Tomkins.” I answer with a subtle smile. Edith’s other hand cups mine. She shakes her hand with the other, then she lets go.

“Where are you flying to today, Mayer?”

“O’Hare. You?”

“Same.” This time I can tell the smile was real by her eyes slightly narrowing. We both walk down the D Gate area of Dulles. Nothing really special is here. I see a group of 14 year old kids wearing pink shirts, obviously supporting Thyroid cancer. Nobody else who’s interesting is here, except for the man attempting to shove a sharpened toothbrush into another man’s throat.

He’s holding the man down, saying something that sounds like a Satan worshiping club’s motto. The toothbrush man is slamming the other’s head repeatedly on the seat. Edith is oblivious to this, looking at a sports bar that we passed. For some reason, this seems really similar to my story. The protagonist stops an altercation that happens, and then he meets the antagonist. I believe the antagonist was--

“Who are you trying to find again?” Edith interrupts my thought.

“I forgot.” I say in a bland way. My attention is over at the man who wants an apple after he brushed his teeth. The non nihilistic “hero” of my personality is attempting to break through. The other 99% is stopping him, but he somehow manages to break through. I stop for a moment, and take a deep breath.

I take a good four meter stride towards the man. My pace is even until I reach there, where the man decides to attack me. He shoves the brush into my arm, where it pierces. My adrenaline pumps through my body, and I manage to lift him on the ground. My muscles seem to gain more strength, as I eventually hold him over my head. All of a sudden, my arms drop.

His face hits face first into the seat. It makes a loud bang as his neck snaps back. Everyone stares at me as I make a loud grunting noise. He starts screaming, asking help from the savior. I kneel down and make sure that I didn’t break his neck. Then it hits me. The antagonist was the protagonist's brother.

“Hey, Mayer.” A voice says behind me. I turn around to see Joe, tired from a man attempting to kill him. I start shaking my head, as I could’ve never imagined this happening.I start heading back to Edith, who has her jaw dropped. I find this moment bittersweet, as I just fought death. I also found who I was looking for.

I hold her in my arms, as she is shaking. A round of applause can be heard from the witnesses who saw me go Ultimate Warrior on a crazy man. This is the first time I’ve actually held a woman in ten years, where my memories got all blurry.

“I’m glad you’re okay.” Edith tells me with a sigh of relief. I currently can’t think of anything else but Joe. He is the whole reason why I have no home, company, anything. I don’t know the reason why I’m chasing him down, as I forgot. It better be a good reason why I chased him down. I hope he burned our house down rather than taking the last of the Fruit Loops.

My bladder is suddenly full. It is at the point where it creates a cramp, causing to run funny while attempting to reach the bathroom. I let go of Edith and rush towards the bathroom. My sock rolls up, making my running into some sort of a speed limp. My right side nearly goes down when I run. I rush through the entrance of the restroom and head to the urinal. I can’t remember why the protagonist is chasing down the antagonist. I sigh in relief, then a person enters.

“Mayer, I sorry for assaulting your wife.I regret it with all my heart. It was rage. I promise.” Joe states, trying to get an apology from me. I flush, then I turn around. His eyes are faking sadness. I could tell, because he always did this when we were kids. I know why I was chasing him.

To clear things up, I had a wife and two kids ten years ago. He wanted her to leave me and go to him, but she refused. Joe, he beat her in front of Walker and Jessica. If I can remember, she went into a coma. When she woke up, her final words were “I love you, forever and always.”I had to file some papers, then I walk out to see our Prius in a fiery wreck. She took Walker and Jessica. I sold all my stuff and took out all our savings to have enough money to manhunt him.

He keeps on running from me, but I manage to follow him.My memory kept on turning feint, making me forget what I’m living for. I always knew in my heart though. I spent all my money on books, airline tickets, hotels, knick knacks, and a watch that has “W+J+V=Life” that I always wear just to catch him. Here’s my moment.

“I would give my life just to turn back time.” He adds, faking grief. I’m no man for a killing, but here is time for quality over volume.

“Give your life, you say?” I ask him, with a dark laugh. His grief turns into fear, as he knows what I’m pointing at. “I know you can’t turn back time, and I know you’ll be arrested for murdering someone. I do know what comes around goes around.” My sick smile is still there. He starts pressing against the stall doors. I take a single breath, then I bolt at him.

I slam him against the door and I punch him in the face.I keep repeating the punches, where he is crying louder and louder. My fist gets sore, so I switch hands and keep on hitting him. He screams stop, so I let go and take another deep breath.

“Sorry about that. Can I clean up your blood?” I ask him. He nods his head, so I open the stall door. Holding him, I kick the back of leg so he is now kneeling before the toilet.

“Not only did you beat my wife, but you also gave me swirlies as a kid.” I add as I shove his face down into the toilet. Thankfully this is a clean toilet, so he didn’t have to suffer that bad. I flush the toilet once, lift his head for five seconds, then put his head back down. I repeat the process of this twenty times, then I let him go. He is gasping for air, bruised and somehow still bloody. I pull out a zip tie from my pocket and tie him to the bar. I shut the door and walk out from the bathroom.

Edith screams as she sees the blood all over me. She rushes towards me and hugs me, which is weird because we just met three weeks ago. Wait, we did meet weeks ago. I found her ad ona journalism website, and we met for the first time today. She is a sweet lady, with blonde hair and a great personality. For some reason, I feel unaccomplished.

I also remembered that my English teacher asked us for a theme. My theme was that some things aren’t worth it. It’s not worth to nearly kill someone. Why teach someone that you shouldn’t kill by nearly killing someone? It is wrong. Some things aren’t worth it. It sounds like a perfect plan, but it isn’t.

I also remember the ending. The protagonist gets arrested for attempted murder.


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557 Reviews


Points: 33593
Reviews: 557

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Sun May 04, 2014 8:41 pm
Ventomology wrote a review...



My goodness... I suppose you really live up to your username, don't you?
Now, I think Birkhoff down there got most of the grammar errors, but some of them are still there! Let's see if I can get some out of the way...

"Names Edith Moore"
You forgot the apostrophe for possession.
And also, I don't know if the rule is different where you are, but if you have a dialogue tag, then you never use a period to end what's said before the tag. Only commas, question marks, and exclamation marks are allowed. (Case in point: "I would give my life to turn back time, he adds." And if you didn't know what dialogue tags are, 'He adds' is the tag.)
There are a few places where you randomly switch from present tense to past, even though you're talking about something that is happening right now. (One of them is the second-to-last paragraph, by the way.)
And... I think that's it from me! Like Birkhoff, I was pretty confused by a lot of what was written, but somehow I get the feeling you did that on purpose. I don't know why. Maybe it was the way Birk talked about it.
Well, good job! This was interesting to say the least. (And if you wanted us to laugh, you certainly succeeded!)
Ciao!




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212 Reviews


Points: 13620
Reviews: 212

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Mon Apr 28, 2014 6:19 pm
birk wrote a review...



Hey Mandrake!

Man, its about time you finally wrote something again. I love your short stories.

And I guess this one didn't disappoint. It has the regular twisted humor, the references and the crudeness that I've come to love and expect.

I have issues trying to review this though, as it's quite a confusing short and I'm not sure I understand it completely. It seems like you wrote this very comprehensive, and for a lack of a better word, cleverly.

Though I'm very unsure about whether I'm on the right path or not here, it seems as if the story starts off with a narrator telling us about his view of life, his life and then about this story his 8th grade teacher told him to write. And then as some point, this story is somehow merged with his real life. Or something. Oh man, I'm confused. This is grandiose.

Alright, I may not completely get it, but I loved the way you wrote it. In fact, I had a large smile going as I read through it. In my opinion this isn't something that is written wrong, ergo I don't understand it. But rather, it's something which is put together very well and has quite a complicated idea. Which can be confusing. At least to me. :D

Okay, that's my shabby take on the story. Now to go over what I do know.

I'll write as I go along:

“No, that’s amazing!” She exclaimed,

Everything you have written so far is what he has said to her, right?

Edit
she is writing in cursive, as the pen never rarely leaves the paper.
Unecessary.

Suggestion
Her grin stretches ear to ear as if she was in a Soundgarden video.
Looks better.

Edit
Her pitch changed tone after her statement.

Some tense issues here and there.

Edit
Her expression is a mix of “I found a pot of gold” and “this guy’s favorite character is Holden Caulfield”.
I think these should be italicized.

“Names Edith Moore. Yours?” She reaches out her hand.

This was weird. And part of why I was unsure about whether he was narrating to her or not. Why would they introduce themselves now? They even talk before this.

I see a group of 14 year old kids

How do you know they are fourteen years old? I see this a lot, people write specific ages...just write 'teens'.

Nobody else who’s interesting is here, except for the man attempting to shove a sharpened toothbrush into another man’s throat.
I think this is something I could only read in your stories. I love it.

I believe the antagonist was--

This whole part is fantastic. You write the dialogue very well around his narration here.

“Who are you trying to find again?” Edith interrupts my thought.

Unless they have had more conversations than what you show, I think she is referring to this: 'For some reason, I’ve been chasing something I can’t find', right? If so, that backs up my pervious thought. Except he isn't specifically mentioning that he's chasing a person. Which makes sense, as he doesn't remember that he is.

Edit
and I manage to lift him off the ground.


seem to gain more strength, as I eventually hold him

Drop the comma.

Then it hits me. The antagonist was the protagonist's brother.

Alright, this is where both stories match up. Because he's are talking about the story he wrote, but it's also what happened to him, where his brother ruined his marriage and took his kids. This is a really interesting way to write this, it's really interesting.

One thing I'm wondering though. Who was this man who attacked his brother with a toothbrush? That never came up.

this happening.I start heading back

Forgot a space after the period. This recurs a few times.

who saw me go Ultimate Warrior on a crazy man.

Heh, neat reference. Rest in Peace Ultimate Warrior. :(

Edit
“Mayer, I'm sorry for assaulting your wife.I regret it with all my heart.
There's also another period here where you forgot a space.

When she woke up, her final words were “I love you, forever and always.”

Wouldn't it be her first words? And why would she say this if she was leaving the guy, anyway?

but I manage to follow him.My memory kept

Forgot another space after the period.

The entire scene in the bathroom is fantastic. I don't think I would change a thing.

punch him in the face.I keep repeating

Okay, okay. I would maybe put some spaces after my periods. Duude :D

Edit
He screams to stop, so I let go and take another deep breath.


Edit
I found her ad on a journalism website, and we met for the first time today.
If you met today though, as also shown earlier when they introduce themselves, then they didn't really meet weeks ago.

I also remember the ending. The protagonist gets arrested for attempted murder.
Epic ending. Perfect.

I'm sorry for being so analytical in this review. But I found the story quite interesting, yet I had troubles understanding exactly what was going on. And to be honest, I'm still not sure I've got the right idea.

I think this is something I'd want you to explain at some point. I'll definately check out what other reviewers got from it.

As for your writing, it has only gotten better and better. You write first person really well, your paragraphs are structured great, and there's very few grammatical errors. Save for, of course, several instances where you forget spaces after periods. ;)

You need to tell me what your teacher thinks of this. I'm really intrigued.

Lastly, what does the title of this mean? Brazzaville? The capital of Congo...or a band? Either way, I fail to see how they tie into the story.

Well, that's all I've got to say about this. I love it and I know why, but I can't explain it.

Keep it up, Mandrake!


Cheers
Birkhoff





#longlivebigbrother
— alliyah