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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Sebessia

by Phoenixwhisper


“I had once been good…”

The words were whispered in a tone as soft as her pale ivory skin, they were the words of a creature who had never before known true loss. She looked around the room with a cold remorse, not for what she had done, but for allowing herself to get caught. Her gaze traveled around the vacant room, the grey walls seeming to slowly close in on her, the metal bars sharp teeth that were clenched tight. A faint light was coming in from somewhere far off in the corridor, in which she saw the state of her once perfectly manicured hands. Her nails were now cracked and her skin turned dusty grey from the sediment that coated the floor of the cell. Her young back ached from spending too many nights sleeping on a concrete floor. A sigh escaped her lips as she turned over once again, trying to find some level of comfort on the hard ground. She swirled her finger in the dust that richly coated the ground, leaving an a small S shape , then she silently moved onto the next letter, then the next, until her whole name was spelled out on the dusty floor:

Sebessiana P. Lortingman

She stared at the words for a small while and then, with a sudden angry swipe, wiped half of it away. Sebessia was all that was left. Sebessia, it was all she needed for a name, and she no longer desired the full one given to her by her parents. Sebessia, it was a nice name… a very nice name, and she would make sure the world remembered it.

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22 Reviews

Points: 693
Reviews: 22

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Wed Apr 30, 2014 8:13 pm
CarsonTheArson wrote a review...



Greetings! Here I am to say things about this lovely piece :3

First off, I like this a lot. Sebessia is an interesting character (LOVE her name by the way), and I wonder what she did to end up in a cell. She doesn't seem like the kind of person who would do a lot of bad.

I love your descriptions (as I always have). Your command of words is beautiful :)

One little nitpick. The first sentence would probably work better as two different sentences. Just switch the comma for a period and capitalize the t in they.

Nice ending. :) She seems to be abandoning her old self and starting over. And I feel like she will be doing some interesting things. XD

Very nice work. Keep going with this! Don't shove it in the old sock drawer! I am expecting more from you soon XD






Thanks! :)
and yes, more coming soon XD



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93 Reviews

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Sun Apr 27, 2014 12:09 am
CesareBorgia wrote a review...



Hey CesareBorgia here for a review,

I noticed how this is a short piece, and it reminds me of how short my works are, but enough about me. This review will be quite short, seeing as the work is short, it seems like a prolouge.

The words were whispered in a tone as soft as her pale ivory skin, they were the words of a creature who had never before known true loss.


Between skin and they, their should be a period. Nice beginning, it's enticing.

She looked around the room with a cold remorse, not for what she had done, but for allowing herself to get caught.


This character seems very crooked. It's a good method of characterization.

. Her gaze traveled around the vacant room, the grey walls seeming to slowly close in on her, the metal bars sharp teeth that were clenched tight. A faint light was coming in from somewhere far off in the corridor, in which she saw the state of her once perfectly manicured hands.


Your descriptions are amazing, you seem to have a really good way with words.

Sebessiana P. Lortingman


That's a cool name, very original. I would've never thought of that on my own.

Sebessia, it was all she needed for a name, and she no longer desired the full one given to her by her parents. Sebessia, it was a nice name… a very nice name, and she would make sure the world remembered it.


Sebessia seems very rebellious.

That's all I have to say. I hope you continue and expand this into a novel.

Best of luck in writing,
CesareBorgia






Thanks! :)



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767 Reviews

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Sun Apr 27, 2014 12:07 am
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello there! I love this, and I can't wait to see you continue it, if you do! So first onto the nit-picks. I think some of this could be broken into separate paragraphs. Also I do notice often a lot of run on sentences or comma splices (a run-on sentence that is interrupted by a comma). For example:

Her gaze traveled around the vacant room, the grey walls seeming to slowly close in on her, the metal bars sharp teeth that were clenched tight.

I find this a little bit of a run-on. Maybe if you just split it into three separate sentences or just added a semi-colon somewhere.
Other than that I loved it! I like how you included some mystery behind how this girl was in the cell and the cliff hanger at the end. Keep going with it!
~Wolfare






Thanks!
And I see what you mean by the run-ons :)




Poetry is like a bird, it ignores all frontiers.
— Yevgeny Yevtushenko