Published April 26, 2014
Here's Chapter 1: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=110894
To: daisyroxlaidman@yahoo.com
Sender: finncleever@gmail.com
April 30th
I still reckon he seems creepy.
Things are kinda depressing around here. It’s the anniversary of when dad died, so mum’s shut herself in her room and Cody went to get pissed. So I’m just sitting here, at the old computer in my room. School was terrible. Forgot to hand in my science homework and got a lunchtime detention.
Ed wasn’t there either, so me and Tyler just walked around, kinda bored. I’m starting to get worried, I mean he just doesn’t seem right. Anyway, this email feels depressing so I’m gonna go and eat my dinner.
To: finncleever@gmail.com
Sender: daisyroxlaidman@yahoo.com
April 30th
You ok? At least it’s Friday.
Mum and Dad are fighting about some god awful thing downstairs so I’m sitting here, listening to the songs Gabriel gave me. They really are good, my favourite is You Found Me by The Fray. It’s really lovely, you should listen to it. I really like talking to you, Finn. It’s kind of an escape, you know? Like, you don’t know what’s going on in my life, only what I tell you, so I can tell you anything. Kat was teasing me about you, and how I have a secret boyfriend, but you’re just my friend.
Remember in Grade 5 when you used to be best friends? And I knew everything about you, and vice versa? I wish it was like that again, because I feel like maybe I’ll never have that connection with anyone again.
Anyway, sorry about Ed. I hope he comes back to school.
To: finncleever@gmail.com
Sender: daisyroxlaidman@yahoo.com
May 3rd
Okay I’ve been resisting the urge to email you again for four days, so I’m giving in. What’s wrong? Is it because of what I said in my last email? Look, if you don’t want to continue talking to me, just tell me, ok?
To: daisyroxlaidman@yahoo.com
Sender: finncleever@gmail.com
May 6th
Hey, Daisy.
I’m sorry about not replying for ages, I’ve had heaps of stuff going on. I know that’s no excuse but I don’t know, I’ve never had the chance to switch on my computer.
Ed shot himself about a week ago, in the head with his father’s gun. The Police say he was having a hard time because his father was beating him up behind closed doors, but I don’t know, it feels incomplete. Why didn’t he write a note or something? He didn’t even say goodbye.
I feel horrible, not like crying and stuff, but I feel kind of detached. Even while I’m writing this, it still hasn’t fully sunk in, you know? Like I’m still expecting him to show up at school and have a muck around with the lads.
The whole school’s in shock. Everyone knew him as the flirt, class clown and just happy go lucky guy that had a bright future ahead of him. Even the teachers are solemn when they see the empty seat where he used to sit.
I had to go to the counsellor yesterday, and it was horrible. They asked me all these questions about my relationship with him like it was something really complex, when I felt like yelling at them “He was my bloody best friend, it isn’t that complicated!” They wrote stuff down on this stupid clipboard and when I left I felt so angry, I just wanted to punch their professional faces in.
Anyway this feels really stupid, writing this in an email. But I just needed some place to get it out.
To: finncleever@gmail.com
Sender: daisyroxlaidman@yahoo.com
May 6th
I’m so, so sorry. I don’t even know what to say. I had no idea, I mean Ed? He’s the last person you’d expect to do that. I feel shocking now, and I can’t even comprehend what you’re feeling right now. Compared to you, my problems seem kind of insignificant now…
To: daisyroxlaidman@yahoo.com
Sender: finncleever@gmail.com
May 7th
Please, don’t. I’ve fine, seriously. Can we just pretend that it didn’t happen, like in these emails? I just need a place I can escape.
So, I was wondering, do you still play the guitar?
To: finncleever@gmail.com
Sender: daisyroxlaidman@yahoo.com
May 7th
Sure, whatever you want.
Yeah I do, I’ve been playing it for a few years now, and don’t you play the piano or something?
Anyway, so Mr P (my art teacher) gave me back my sketchbook. He said they were beautiful, and that perhaps I should join his advanced art class which is attended mostly by seniors. I’m so stoked, I mean it’s what I want to do, drawing. As a living. Maybe this is the first step?
So, Gabriel. I found out some information on him, just by stalking his friends and him. He has three brothers, one of which (the eldest) is in prison. Apparently they live in The Flats. The Flats is like this run-down sort of mini-neighbourhood that the council tries to ignore. All sorts of illegal stuff goes on down there and it’s pretty poor.
Surprising, huh? He seems like just another rich kid, with rich parents and rich grandparents. Maybe he got a scholarship? He’s really smart, and none of his brothers go here. He’s kind of interesting, you know?
Anyway, it’s nearly midnight so I’m going to sleep.
To: daisyroxlaidman@yahoo.com
Sender: finncleever@gmail.com
May 8th
Hey, so I was wondering, since it’s the weekend, do you wanna hang out or something? I can take the train in and meet you at the movies at around lunchtime, tomorrow?
To: finncleever@gmail.com
Sender: daisyroxlaidman@yahoo.com
May 8th
Sure, see you there! (You’re buying me popcorn!)
---
Daisy fidgeted nervously with a strand of her hair. Looking around the shopping centre, she couldn’t help feeling nervous to see the boy she hadn’t see in four years again.
She felt so awful about Ed. It had been all over the news, young teen shoots himself with father’s gun and Daisy couldn’t stand watching it or hearing it. It brought a sick feeling to her stomach, and when she thought about what Finn must have been going through she felt even worse.
“There you are!” A voice said from behind her. It was Finn. He looked completely different than when Daisy had seen him last. He’d shot up and now stood a full head taller than her and his light mahogany hair and turned into a dusty blonde. His bright blue eyes where the same as ever and as Daisy wrapped her arms around his waist, he laughed, the laugh she’d always loved. He pulled away and stared at her.
“Daisy Laidman!” Finn grinned, as if he couldn’t believe it. Daisy stared at him, for any signs of hurt or depression, but his expression was clear and happy. He wore a pair of jeans and a grey Arctic Monkeys top, who she was pretty sure was his favourite band.
“So, how’s it going?” Finn asked as they lined up for tickets. They were seeing some action film, one that’s name Daisy had already forgotten.
“Fantabulous, you?” Finn could tell what she was asking him about and he nodded, his eyes darkening for a millisecond.
“I’m also fantabulous.” He said, grinning. Once inside the cinema, they scrambled around madly trying to find their seats before finally settling down.
“It’s so good to see you, like in the flesh.” Daisy said, giving a little jab. Finn grinned and then shifted back in his chair, content to watch the movie. For a lot of it, she just watched him. Finn didn’t mind, and he’d occasionly flash her a grin, then return his eyes to the screen. It felt good to finally see him, and Daisy was content to just sit there with him, enjoying each other’s presences.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Hi there! I'll do nitpicks first. ^_^
'Mum' and 'Dad' need to be capitalized, since they're being used as names.
Tyler and I.
I think you meant "we" not "you".
Comma after them.
Shocked, not shocking.
I'm not I've.
Period after "Mr" (so it should be Mr. P)
That's all I found.
I really like how you had them meet up. It adds to the twist a little, ya'know? I also like how you changed between tenses, first it was first person with switching off perspectives and then it changed to third.
Another thing I like is your character development. They are already so strong, and this is only the second chapter!
I hope this review helps!
WillowPaw1~
Hi! Back again.
Okay, confession: I'm not a fan of the fact that they met each other. I know I should like it, but... I'd been hopeful this would take place entirely in emails. There was a series of books I liked back in the day, written by Lauren Myracle, that all took place in instant messages. The characters, even though they were best friends in real life and lived close to each other, were never shown "meeting" one another in person. We heard about their meetings and misadventures in real life through their instant message chats, which worked wonderfully, in my opinion.
Honestly, I think it would've been better if you hadn't shown their meeting, but rather described it to the reader through their emails later. In other words, Daisy could've written and said, "I loved seeing you at the movies! It was so funny when [insert what happened here] and you looked so much taller!" Et cetera, et cetera. This is just my opinion, but I think it would've flattered the story more, you know?
Anyway, besides for that, this was pretty awesome. Adding that suicide in there, while not only a twist, was really tragic and added some more realism to the story. I love how Finn is handling it—his reaction also seems very realistic and not overdone or fake at all.
So, great character development. Even though I wasn't a fan of switching the story from emails to an actual meet up, I do think you handled their meeting pretty well and it was cute to see their exchanges in person. They're pretty awesome characters so far.
Nitpicks:
Remember whenever you mention a song, put the title in quotations.
I think you meant, "when we used to be best friends"?
This could be so much more dramatic if punctuated a bit to space things out. Also, I think mentioning where he shot himself is irrelevant.
Example of how to fix:
'Ed shot himself about a week ago. With his father’s gun.'
The P in "police" doesn't need to be capitalized. Also, I'd change this part a bit to make it a bit more intense and packed with emotion:
'The police say he was having a hard time because his father was . . . beating him behind closed doors. I don’t know; it all feels incomplete somehow.'
Unnecessary comma.
I'd take out the "and" and put a period after "gun" instead.
Bolded word should be lowercase.
Bolded word should be "were." This part really isn't that necessary, though. You can actually probably cut it entirely... it feels too much like you're trying to insert a description of him instead of sprinkling it in organically.
H in "he" should be lowercase.
As a whole, though, I really did enjoy this chapter and I'm loving this novel. Please keep up the good work!
Thank you again for the awesome review! I was thinking about that actually, having it so that it's all taking place in emails, but I thought I'd do something to break the pace a bit.
Hi, J. C. Here for a review!
First off, I like your style. Of course, 'style' is a very general term and can't really be defined, so I'll change it to 'voice.' You have a great writing voice. And your shift between the format of emails to standard, third person, clever and intriguing. Right when I was about to get tired of having to pay attention to the senders and receivers and dates, the switch came and I was all right with continuing to read.
I liked that, while the overall emotion surrounding the story was and is depression and sadness, you did not make it a pity party for your characters or a whine fest where they all explain how terrible their lives are. It seems very realistic and true to life, and that is difficult to do when writing about such things.
It's also difficult to get your reader involved in your characters, and when you are explaining something, such as the death of Ed, all too often the reader does not care for them and hence feels little emotion. It comes across as annoying. But you've done a good job here.
Ending anything, I feel, whether it be a chapter or a story or an entire book, should be done with an uplifting though, however small or meager it may seem in light of the story itself. I've never liked it when the last sentence I read is how terrible life is. We all know it can be. I read to gain something good.
Here you do just that, but it's not like, 'And they lived happily ever after.' Obviously it's not the end of the book or story, being that it's only the second chapter, but it's still important nonetheless. And because of that, I would feel okay continuing to read.
Of course, there are some grammatical errors, but I don't like to harp on those because they are easily made mistakes, and just as easily corrected, so don't worry.
Over all, I thought it was well written and, while the subject matter has been as common as common gets, it was very unique.
Thank you LordGreenleaf!
Thank you very much!
Hello! Me again. ^^
Mom(my)/Dad(dy)/Mum(my) should always be capitalized unless they have my/our/his/her/their/etc. in front of it.
Tyler and me*
OKAY SO YES. Thank you. This chapter is so much better than the first.
I loved the emotion that was in the first half of this chapter, with the letters. The tidbit about Ed killing himself. I didn't see that coming, and that was just so shocking. You were able to show some emotion by Finn not emailing her back for a few days. I do think that you could have built it up further by having Daisy email him a few more times, so the suspense and the worry would amplify up until he emails her back.
As for them meeting up? I was confused about that. If they don't live that far from each other, then why email? Why not text or call or Facebook? Here I was, thinking that the ocean separated them and it turns out to be only a few miles. Disappointing.
But the meetup itself was awesome. Since we've stepped out of letters and into the story itself, it's much more refreshing! And what's better is that you didn't overdo it with lots of descriptions and such. It was much more rewarding on its own.
Overall, I'm pleased that we're finally seeing the narration from their point of views, instead of letters! I can't wait to see more. c:
Hope this helps.
~Iggy
Wow, thank you so much for such a positive review, I really appreciate it.