Published April 26, 2014
To: finncleever@gmail.com
Sender: daisyroxlaidman@yahoo.com
April 26
It’s been a while hasn’t it? I don’t even know why I’m writing you this, I guess it’s because I just need someone to talk to who doesn’t know what I’m going through at the moment, so isn’t biased.
So, I’m fourteen now, and I go to St. Clarks. Do you still go to Mt. Davies? It’s a pretty good school, St. Clarks, but it’s different to Mt. Davies. A lot more private school, you know? There’s eyes on you from the second you step into the school grounds, and the halls are decorated with awards from everything from knitting to lacrosse. I have a few good friends, but I’m still finding it hard fitting in to it all, being the country girl.
So I guess I’m just sending this to you in the hope of some familiar contact.
To: daisyroxlaidman@yahoo.com
Sender: finncleever@gmail.com
April 27
Hey! It’s Finn! (I guess that’s kinda obvious)… It’s good to talk to you, it’s been too long. Yeah, I still go to Mt. Davies, and trust me, it hasn’t changed in the slightest. Principle Reed is still lacking hair, through he’s taken to wearing one of those nerdy golf caps to hide it.
I’m fourteen now as well (my birthday was on Thursday) and I got the Hillford dirt bike, (yes, the one I’ve wanted since Prep) and a couple of books. Have you read the Perks Of Being A Wallflower? It’s an awesome book… Anyway, so how are you, apart from being stuck in that prison?
To: finncleever@gmail.com
Sender: daisyroxlaidman@yahoo.com
April 27th
I just read your email and went to the library and borrowed the Perks Of Being A Wallflower, so I’ll read it as soon as I finish writing this.
Yeah, I’m pretty good. Mum and Dad are better now, which is good because Rachael (my sister) threatened to move out if they didn’t sort everything out. I still swim, and I’m on the swim team at school. In terms of classes, my favourite is Art. I like to draw a lot, even though it’s mainly just abstract stuff. My art teacher, Mr. P is this super cool guy who always wears turtleneck sweaters.
Anyway, so I showed him my sketchbook and he thought it was wicked. He asked if he could borrow it, to properly look through it. Pretty good, hey?
So there’s this guy in my class called Gabrielle who’s kinda good-looking, with styled black hair, and he overheard me listening to You Owe Me An IOU by Hot Hot Heat and like completely leaned over and asked if he could listen! Anyway, my friend Kat is like completely obsessed with me, so she’ll get mad if I hang out with him anymore.
He seems kind of aloof, you know? Like he’s friends with the whole popular group, but he’s not all there if you know what I mean.
What about you, any girl attention I should know about?
To: daisyroxlaidman@yahoo.com
Sender: finncleever@gmail.com
April 28th
To be perfectly honest, he sounds like freaking Edward Cullen. Aloof, kinda stalkerish, girls obsessed with him, ring any bells?
Cody is still a crap brother, and son to be honest. He’s always fighting with Mum, and she cries heaps because of him. He goes out and gets drunk, then comes back expecting her to cook him bloody dinner. Girls at school are all obsessed with him, but he treats them like dirt. They even come up to me, to ask if I can pass on messages!
You remember Tyler and Ed? Their pretty much my main friends, we hang out heaps and stuff. Tyler’s heaps taller now and a freak at Maths and just academics in general. Ed’s hilarious, and is obsessed with girls… Seriously, it’s like all he talks about.
He’s kinda drifted apart from us actually over the past week, like he’s just started going to the library alone, to do god knows what. I swear he’s skipped school a couple of times as well. Our ‘group’ is kinda in the middle towards the top of the social ladder at Mt. Davies. The jocks kinda respect us, and we hang out with them sometimes (Kendall Reish, Nadar Freeman ect.) but where not like really up there, you know what I mean?
The girls love Ed, so me and Tyler are pretty cool with that, but Ed’s the one who’s actually charming around them. So girl attention isn’t great, since Ed sort of drifted apart.
It kind of sucks, he’s been ignoring us and stuff. I miss him.
To: finncleever@gmail.com
Sender: daisyroxlaidman@yahoo.com
April 29th
Wow… the Perks Of Being A Wallflower? I can’t even talk about it. I read like the first three pages and then just got hooked. Read it all in an hour.
Absolutely amazing… So sad… I couldn’t talk to anyone after reading it. Really, beautiful.
Okay, so now I’ve got that out of my system, I can get on with my email.
Yeah I remember Tyler and Ed, even though it was four years ago. Don’t tell Ed, but I used to have a crush on him… Anyway, that’s strange, him drifting away, he’s not usually like that.
So, my day. It was pretty crazy actually. I walked into class and sat next to Kat and Annabelle, and like all the boys where whispering and pointing at my desk. Someone had stuck a sticky not onto it, it read;
Meet me behind the bike shed;
G
So I was pretty sure it was Gabrielle, and when I looked at him he had his face buried in his work. The boys where smirking, especially this idiot named James Arnold (the king of all douchebags) and so I tucked it into my pocket before anyone else could see it.
So after a History lesson that seemed to take forever, I walked to the bike sheds at morning break, and there he was. Sitting on the gravel with his legs crossed he smiled as I sat down opposite him. He pulled a crumpled piece of paper out of his pocket and gave it to me.
And then left.
So your probably wondering, what the hell was on the piece of paper. It was a list of songs, with a note at the top;
You’ve got good taste in music, so here, listen to these.
So there, what do you reckon about that?
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137,585 Literary Works • 672,049 Reviews
Hi there! Happy Review Day!
Nitpicks
Though, not through.
Art doesn't need to be capitalized.
Obsessed is used WAY to much in this piece.
*They're
In the last email, the girl uses the word "So" a lot . Fix...?
Also, I find it odd how they don't sign their names at the bottom of the emails. Maybe they just don't do it, but just thought I'd point it out.
That's all the nitpicks I'll point out, but I suggest you read it over and edit it.
Positive Comments
I love this! I love how it's emailing between two main characters. I also just love how realistic their lifes are. Crushes, school, books, etc, it's all in our lives, as well as in this. I really like this in all, and I think you did a fantastic job writing in the two different perspectives.
Criticism (Sadly, yes, I have some).
Iggy mentioned this, but we need feelings and emotion in this. It's kind of hard to explain them through email, so maybe add a twist to this and include emotion some how.
I would kind of expect two girls or two boys to be emailing, nota boy and a girl. Then again, it's your story and it happens in real life, it just seems that the majority of friends are the same gender.
Well, I hope this helps!
WillowPaw1~
Thank you!
No problem!!
Hello! Reviewlutioner here to review. ^^
Okay, I hope those are fake email addresses. o_o If they aren't, I suggest you change them to fake ones xD. moving on~
I feel like there's a word missing here, something to make the flow smoother. Revise.
Cut out the indicated.
This would make more sense if it was "there are eyes on you".
Onto*
I get what you're trying to say, but it's awkward. Revise this.
Uhh.. what?
I don't understand this terminology you're using? Why can't you just say "Tyler's gotten taller now"?
Unnecessary comma alert.
Tyler and me*
Note*
Were*
Okay. So a story composed of letters only is pretty hard to nitpick. It's hard to show emotion or imagery through letters, so I can't really talk about that. I do think you did alright with Daisy telling Finn about Gabrielle. She went into some details, like where they met and how he looked and such.
This looks like two people that used to go to the same school but one moved away and now they're just penpals? (or email pals) I'm trying to understand the purpose of this novel. Is it just going to be about two friends who email about their everyday lives? Because that is, frankly, a bit boring. I'm really hoping you're going to do something exciting with this, like make the first few chapters in letters until they eventually meet up. I'm getting nothing from reading emails about their lives. I'd rather see their lives through their narration, with imagery and dialogue and action and such.
But that's just me. I was never able to get into letter-stories anyways. x) Off to read chapter two!
Hope that helps.
~Iggy
I forgot to note that his name shouldn't be Gabrielle, unless he's a she.
Thankyou, and yes I've changed that
Hi there! Lucrezia here for a review.
Oh my gosh, I love this. I just... love this. Seriously.
Why do I love this? So many reasons, I don't know where to begin. First of all, the theme. I adore the idea of a story being written all in email exchanges. It's brilliant and catchy and engaging. I was hooked from the first line, quite honestly.
The emails themselves are incredibly realistic, as are the characters. All of the dialogue exchanged between the two seemed like emails I'd exchange with a friend I haven't seen in a while, just as it should've seemed. You get major props for realism.
The references to pop culture (music tastes, books, et cetera) was really nice and wasn't too much at all (I say this because some stories go overboard with pop culture references, lol). I absolutely adore and relate to the characters already.
The choice of wording was great. Honestly, the whole thing was great. The concept, the execution... I still can't get my head around how realistic everything seemed.
All in all... incredible.
Okay, now for the nitpicks:
"So" is repetitive here.
Put the comma after the parenthesis. Also, "Perks of Being a Wallflower" should be italicized, and the O in "of" and the "a" don't need to be capitalized.
^Same nitpick as the above.
Comma following "Mr. P."
Delete "so"; it isn't necessary.
Unnecessary comma.
Put quotation marks around the song title.
Unnecessary comma.
Should be "they're."
"Heaps" is repetitive.
Needs to be italicized; O in "of" and the "a" should be lowercase.
Change the first semicolon to a colon. I'd also recommend writing the note's contents in italics, and change the second semicolon to a dash or period.
Change "your" to "you're"; add a question mark after "piece of paper"; change the semicolon to a colon; write the note's contents in italics, and finally, "so" is repetitive.
Otherwise... I loved this. I really, honestly did. I can't wait for chapter two! When you post it, PM me or let me know on my wall, okay?
Well done and keep up the great work!
Wow, thank you so much for the review, so positive and encouraging! And Chapter 2 is already up, in case you want to read it...
This is really good. There's nice characters and you really made them your own. I like the plot so far but I don't think it would be a good idea to make the whole book as two email exchange because the reader wouldn't know like why was Daisy so hook on The Perks of Being a Wallflower or how Finn or Daisy reacted to each other's e-letter. Maybe you try writing them in non-email form and alternate their perspective between Finn and Daisy. Other than that, it's a good book so far. Can't wait to read more of it.