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Young Writers Society


12+

Spirits - Chapter 1

by Auxiira


Silent fingers trailed over the rough bark. The thin canopy of leaves only allowed a few glimmers of sunlight to filter to the ground, but light seemed to fill the clearing. Something ethereal floated in the air making everything slow down. Soft cloth brushed the skin of her knees, and when she looked, she saw leaves, golden brown and flaming red, matching the trees. Under her fingers, a tree rose to the sky, taller than all of the others. Its snaking branches spreading far enough that the trees hadn't grown near it. Instead, flowers spread amongst the moss and grass at her feet. She couldn't name them, but admired their beauty. The only sound in the clearing was the rustle of her feet against the moss and flowers and grass.

She sat down and started braiding little white flowers together, making a chain of flowers which she looped over and over. After a while, the light started to dim in the clearing. She draped the thick rope over the stubs of old branches and tied the ends together with grass. Tiny sparks dotted the centre of the flowers. She reached up to touch them. A jolt shocked her, sending her stumbling backwards. A red tint slowly seeped through the white petals. The peaceful atmosphere which had reigned before had fled in an instant.

A low guttural growl sounded at the edge of the trees, echoed by another, and another as she whirled around. Dark forms slipped into the clearing, casting long indiscernible shadows in the last rays of light. They disappeared into the deep, silent dusk that crept across the grass, but the growls approached slowly. Her hands gripped the rough bark, scratches scoring her hands. A low whimper echoed the terror bubbling over inside her. The flowers she had draped around the tree pricked tiny rivulets of blood down her back. Their dull red light pushed back only a small space of dusk.

"Come to us." A bare, rasping whisper called to her from under the growls, ever approaching. The red light shone off of bare orbs not too far away. "Come to us and they will go." The growls crept closer still as she crouched down, hiding her face in her trembling arms. "Come to us."

She woke with a start, clutching at the thin sheets which covered her, shaking. She sat up, taking deep breaths. Her gaze spiralled around the tent she lay in, taking in the embers still smouldering near the centre of the ring of stones, the prone forms in the other cots revealing the rest of her family still sleeping. A dim orange light crept around the rag serving as a door. She passed her hand over her face, still hearing the low growl in her ears. "Come to us." Standing up silently, she quickly pulled on a rough tunic and trousers before hefting a saddle and a few blankets and padding out of the hut.

Other tents littered the grass surrounding her. No one had risen to greet the sun as she had, and she encountered only a warm wind as she strode through the encampment towards a herd of grazing horses. A soft brown mare trotted over, bumping her softly with her spotted velvet nose. The other horses lifted their heads sleepily, then went back to eating grass. The girl flung her arms around the horse's neck. “They won't stop, Eki,” she mumbled. “Why? What do they mean?” The horse just nuzzled her. She sighed, kissing Eki's nose before lifting the saddle onto the horse's back and tying deft knots in the leather straps. swinging up onto her horse's back, she circled the other horses a few times, counting them as she rounded them up. Once she was sure they were all there, she turned to the camp, riding back to her tent.

As she reigned up in front of the tent door, a young man stepped out, not even blinking at her presence. “Mornin', Keilei,” he muttered, rubbing his eyes.

“Good morning, Asti!” she sang, leaning down to plant a kiss on the rough stubble covering his cheeks. “Wake up, brother, we're going to the bazaar today! ” His eyes lit up as he blinked the sleep from them.

“Have you got what you want to trade?” She nodded, patting the saddle bags hanging against Eki's side. "Is anyone else awake?" She shook her head, beaming at him. "Wait for me." She shifted in her saddle as she watched him go back into the tent, then out again, carrying his own saddle. A low whistle had a black horse trotting towards them, flicking her tail and snorting. Asti quickly saddled her, and was on her back before Keilei could even tell him to hurry up.

***

Drums lead a heady tattoo under the busy noise of the bazaar, in time with hearts. Somewhere, music played and songs filled the air, enticing feet to tap and dance, but Keilei couldn't find them find in the maze of stalls. Spices and dust filled the air, dancing in the sunlight. The bag she had taken from Eki's saddle was no heavier than it had been before, but only a few of its contents had been hers before she had arrived at the bazaar. She had lost track of Asti a long time ago, but wasn't worried. They had agreed to leave when the sun touched the mountains, and they had tied up their horses in the same place so they wouldn't leave without each other.

With nothing left to trade, she milled around the bazaar, aimlessly admiring the fine cloths that she would never choose to wear, but which she still found beautiful. A fire surrounded by smoking food had called to her, and she picked at a dumpling as she gazed at delicate wooden carvings of horses and riders and birds. People sat together on rugs, laughing and smiling lazily. A wave of detachment swept over her as she watched the people. The only people she had ever laughed or smiled with were her family. She questioned too much, was too fascinated with the Staeil for the others to be close to her. Her refuge was with the horses, with her brother, out on the open plain, away from everyone.

A strong, wizened hand grabbed at hers, startling her out of her daydreams. Whirling around, she saw an Elder tracing her palm.

"Elder? Can I-" the old lady shushed her, hunched over her hand. She hummed and frowned, her white-haired head bobbing up and down. The bangles on her arm jingled as she tuned Keilei around, catching her hands again. Tugging her down to the same height, she gripped Keilei's face between two clawed hands as she stared into her eyes. Keilei found herself drawn into the deep pools of the Elder's green eyes. When the gaze was broken, she gasped, startled. The wizened woman shook her head.

"I am sorry for you, child."

Confusion swirled in Keilei's mind. "What do you mean?" The Elder rooted through the pouches at her hips, before dipping a finger into one and drawing a sign on the girl's wrist. Two swirls in dark ochre paint met but didn't touch.

"I can do nothing else. Let us hope for the sake of everyone that keeps Them away. Don't go to them, child." She pressed three fingers to her collarbone before hurrying away. Keilei stared after her, dumbfounded. The few people who had actually stopped moving to stare now turned away and continued down the long path of the bazaar. She blinked, shaking her head before moving away. The sun was almost touching the mountains, and she had a meeting to keep with two horses and an older brother.


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Sun Apr 27, 2014 12:37 pm
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Deanie wrote a review...



Me again c:

Ooh the suspense! You can tell big things are going to happen to Keilei, and it will have something to with the Staeil she is so curious about, methinks. I wonder what it will be that she has to do with them? Or maybe it's the Spirits that's he will deal with, or both. Gah, I can't wait to see where this goes. You have such a smooth flow with words, Auxiira, and your descriptions are flawless. It's always a pleasure to read <3

Hm, as mentioned below it would be nice to have some more character descriptions. You mention a bit about Asti so it's fine, but I am really curious about Keilei, making me wonder if there is anything about her that sets her apart from the rest of the people physically as well as what she is interested by her mind.

I loved the dream and how it creeped her out. I probably don't understand the essence of meaning of everything that happened, but maybe it will be revealed to us as things go on? It would be nice to see the dream evoke some more emotion in Keilei, so we can really see her thoughts. We do see that these dreams keep coming back, and don't go away, and she reacts to them even in her sleep. But does she wake up hot and frightened? Do they scare her or does she brush them off as nothing but a little annoyance?

amongst the moss and grass at her feet. She couldn't name them, but admired their beauty. The only sound in the clearing was the rustle of her feet


For the me the closeness of the repetition stood out a bit. Change to the first one to below her or something else, maybe?

I think through this chapter I realized a spelling mistake in the first. In the previous you pit Keile or something, so I thought her name had changed momentarily xD Just so you know!

“Have you got what you want to trade?” She nodded, patting the saddle bags hanging against Eki's side.


I thought Keilei said this to Asti, and she didn't give him a chance to answer by moving on the next question. It took me a while to realize Asti said it, and her nod was her reply. So maybe tag it like Asti asked or something, just to make it more evident.

People sat together on rugs, laughing and smiling lazily. A wave of detachment swept over her as she watched the people. The only people she had ever laughed or smiled with were her family. She questioned too much, was too fascinated with the Staeil for the others to be close to her.


Hm, here it would be nice to see the detachment. Maybe people glancing at her and glancing away or whispering? Thinking of this, it reminded how she asked the question about Staeil in the previous chapter. (I didn't make the connection until now.) Maybe have Elder say 'good question, Keilei' or something along those lines so we know it is her.

I don't have much more to say. I liked this chapter even more than the previous, it was written so nicely and had so much flow to it. I think it's going to be interesting seeing her and Asti together, and you can tell Elder likes her no matter how different she is. ^.^ Keep me posted on when the next chapter is up! On my wall or something, and I'd be happy to read.

Deanie x




Auxiira says...


Hey Deanie-bean!
Thanks again for the review!

Yeahhhh, I did make a mistake in the first chapter >.> She's definitely called Keilei. Aaaaannndd I will definitely put some description of her in the next chapter >.<
For the detatchment, it was more that she feels kinda distanced, not that they were purposfully leaving her out. She just doesn't know how to go over and start a conversation when she's not sure how they'd react to her and she'd prefer not to be hurt. (<-okay, I may need to put that in >.> )

Thank you again <3



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Fri Apr 25, 2014 11:48 pm
GDrama97 wrote a review...



This story Is lacking characters descriptions. You should expand on each of the characters to give us more of an idea of who they are and how they fit into the story. Just be careful with some of your sentences and they need some re working. Sometimes it is better to use simple words rather than complex ones for your description. In some places using simple words would work better and not make the flow of the story so slow. Sorry if I was harsh in my criticism of this story but i just thought that were ways in which this story could improve.

Overall, a very good job.




Auxiira says...


Hey Drama!
Thanks for the review! I'll be sure to put in some more descriptions of the characters when I edit!
Auxii~



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Fri Apr 25, 2014 10:01 pm
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Iggy wrote a review...



Hi love <33

Silent fingers trailed over the rough bark.


Instead of using "silent" as an adjective, how about using it as a verb? "Her fingers silently trailed over the rough bark." << Also: how is the bark rough? Don't tell me it's rough, show me it's rough.

Its snaking branches spreading far enough that the trees hadn't grown near it.


Instead of "the trees" try "other trees". Also, I suggest swapping "hadn't" for "couldn't".

Tiny sparks dotted the centre of the flowers.


At first, I was like "Sparks? In a flower? Whaaa?" but then it's explained. I do think you should elaborate on this, because how often do you see sparks in a flower's center? Not very often. Describe the narrator's confusion/surprise/etc.

but the growls approached slowly.


Instead of using the term "approach", describe how the sounds grow louder. It creates a better visual.

Her hands gripped the rough bark, scratches scoring her hands.


Don't use "her hands" twice in one sentence. Also, since you already used "rough bark" earlier, try describing something else about the tree. Like how she finds herself backed up against it and how she can't get her arms around it because it's twice her width, or something akin to that.

"Come to us." A bare, rasping whisper called to her


The dialogue should end with a comma and that A should be lowercased.

Her gaze spiralled around the tent she lay in,


I could be wrong, but it's laid, right? >_>

swinging up onto her horse's back,


Swinging should have a capital S.

but Keilei couldn't find them find in the maze of stalls.


Huh?


Woo! Nitpicks aside, let's focus on the story.

Okay so I feel like you were treading through quicksand up until the Elder enters the story. The flashback/dream/foreshadowing in the beginning felt over-detailed to me. I felt like you were forcing imagery into this, shoving it between the slips of sentences. Not sure how we can fix it; maybe it's because of the past tense and how past tense and imagery are super hard to blend together.

Moving on: the Elder part! I seriously am in love with that part. I felt that that part was done so nicely. I actually didn't expect that to happen; I knew that her dream thingy was a warning, that those dark presences in it would come for her. Why? I have no idea. But now I'm dying to know what they want with her, and who spoke to her, promising salvation.

The Elder created a lot of suspense for this chapter, and therefore, it was a great way to end this. I'm eagerly awaiting the next chapter, as you left me with a cliffhanger that needs to be answered ASAP! Keep writing this. c: It's getting good.

~Iggy




Auxiira says...


Thanks for the review Iggy beb!

I'll get the nitpicks at some point, I will, I swear ^^ (once I'm done with pesky French revision)

Hehe, salvation, heh. Keeeeeeppp thinking thaaaaattt~ And thank goodness the Elder part made sense... I think that was the one part of the chapter I actually liked >.>

*huggles*



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Fri Apr 25, 2014 1:49 pm
ForeverWarrior wrote a review...



ForeverWarrior here for a review!

Under her fingers, a tree rose to the sky, taller than all of the others. Its snaking branches spreading far enough that the trees hadn't grown near it.

I would suggest you combine these two sentences. You might have meant to do this, I'm not sure, but if it was me, I would combine these because it's not grammatically correct and can't be a sentence on it's own. However, if you wanted to have two separate sentences, it could go like this:

"It's snaking branches had spread far enough that the trees hadn't grown near it."

Also, when you say, "She draped the thick rope over the stubs of old branches and tied the ends together with grass," I would put chain instead of rope since it seems like she has a totally new thing.

"swinging up onto her horse's back, she circled the other horses a few times, counting them as she rounded them up." The S in swinging should be capitalized.

"but Keilei couldn't find them find in the maze of stalls." Take out the second find.

What/who are the Staeli? I need a definition.

I love the story and I want to see where you go with it. Good job!!! Your details and description were fantastic though!




Auxiira says...


Thanks for the review, ForeverWarrior!
The Staeil/Staeit were sort of explained in the prologue. They're part of the whole mythology of the world, and are a sort of link with the Spirits. All of this is going to be explained a lot better later on....

It's good to know you like it, cause I really wasn't sure about this chapter >.>

Thank you again!

Auxii~




This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.
— T.S. Eliot