Young Writers Society

i do not do poetry anymore
reaching into my chest and wrenching out my beating heart for others to observe requires vulnerability
and see
my vulnerability is a lie
it is openness
there is a difference

I show off the gaping wound in my chest
hide the festering until I am in cardiac arrest
until i'm sobbing in my bed
desperately wanting to reach out
aching to reach out
never reaching out

my life is a mass of rotting wounds i have no clue how to treat
there are professionals who could help but last time i tried all i did was minimise
i am held together by the love of others and that feels like a lie
who even am i

who even am i

a personality magpie
hiding everything inside
a festering corpse held together
with ribbons of love i don't feel i can trust because i self sabotage so much
superficial
distant

i don't know how to be vulnerable
i was never taught the intricacies of breathing out my pain
how to say that i am hurting without breaking the tension with a smile
a laugh
i am hurting but not enough to be concerned the laugh says
i am breaking apart at the seams i am rotting from the inside out and soon it will show soon it will be clear that i am not who i seem but do not worry the smile says
do not worry
this decay will not hurt you
this decay will not cause you pain
this decay is mine alone

it is an implosion of the softest kind
you can observe from where i held you at arm's length
i made myself distant so this would not hurt you

i am breaking falling rotting
and maybe flowers will bloom from me and bring life
and maybe they will guide me to who i really am
and maybe i will come out of this a whole person
but i do not believe in that kind of magic
i do not carry in my bones the strength to know that someday i will truly be me
not millions of pieces of other people
slowly circling a black hole
i do not believe i will ever be more than i am now

so you see
i do not do poetry anymore
my soul is too much a lie to be on show
my emotions to nebulous for words
i am only a powder keg on fire
ready to explode.