Absent Chapter One: A Bolt From the Blue

by Tevatron

Published April 23, 2014

12+

In Absent

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Loud music blasted through the cramped two-bedroom apartment. Rowena had returned, victorious of course, from a busy grocery store. Reusable shopping bags hung from her hands, as if she was a Greek hero carrying severed heads of gorgons. With a great sigh, she dropped them on the counter. She was annoyed, partly by her busy day of errands, but mostly because her roommate couldn’t seem to listen to her music at reasonable volume levels. While shuffling over to Cora’s door, she slipped her shoes off to give her aching feet some relief. She knocked, making sure it would be audible over the music. When Cora opened her door the music became less muffled, which was not desirable for Rowena. She didn't mention it, though, because years of being Cora's friend had required a fair degree of tolerance and patience.

“Back already?” Cora asked. She couldn’t stand still, and her dark curls bobbed about as she moved her knees in time to the music.

“Yeah, I think today went well. They seemed happy with my resume, and the interview wasn’t too drawn out. I don’t know if that’s a good sign or not.” Rowena leaned against the doorframe.

“Sorry I didn’t get to see you off this morning and wish you luck.” Cora sauntered over to her computer and turned her music down a little- but only a little.

“You never wake up before ten when you don’t have to work.” Rowena was only slightly accusatory, and it happened to be true, so Cora let it slide.

“Anyway, your outfit is good. They’d be morons not to hire you.” She shuffled out of her room. Rowena was tempted to comment that Cora hadn’t even changed out of her pyjamas… but she decided against it. Cora’s daytime wardrobe choices were occasionally indistinguishable from sleep apparel, anyways. She seemed to think that Spiderman boxer shorts were an acceptable substitute for actual pants.

“Well, I don’t know. I didn’t meet all the qualifications-” Rowena started, but she didn’t get to finish her sentence before Cora interrupted her with a waving hand gesture.

“Stop right there, Ro. A negative attitude isn’t going to help. Besides, some of their qualifications are more… suggestions. I think.” Cora shrugged, in her typical nonchalant attitude.

“You never worked a day in your life until a month ago.” Rowena started unloading her groceries.

“Yeah, true. And I’m a barista so the qualifications for that are… pretty simple. Make coffee. It was either that or sign up for medical experiments.”

“I’m the one who talked you out of that, remember?” Rowena rolled her eyes, without realising she'd done so. Cora had made a deal with her parents. In order for them to keep paying for her rent and phone bill, she had to at least try to get a job. Naturally, Cora tried to find something as low effort as possible. For a long time she’d looked at signing up to be a lab rat as a viable option. Her rational friend wouldn’t let her, of course. Rowena shook her head and put the new two-litre of milk into the fridge. A cardboard carton, not plastic. Biodegradable. Sensible. Cora silently helped her unload groceries, arranging apples and kiwis into the fruit bowl on the counter while Rowena played Tetris with the fridge contents.

“Hey, I was going to head to the used book store later. Marie is probably working today and I was going to buy another poster because the water damage on the ceiling spread again. Maybe I’ll get that vintage Tron poster this time?” Cora looked ponderously at the orange she was trying to fit in the fruit bowl.

“I’ll come with you.” Rowena smirked, “You just want to see Marie, right?”

“And the other thing!” Cora defensively put her hands on her hips. Rowena looked down at her from her square glasses, and raised her eyebrow.

“At least put some pants on.” Rowena smiled, resuming her struggle to fit a bag of romaine hearts in the fridge among Cora’s leftover pizza and cans of cider.

-----

The bookstore was populated with the usual suspects. There were 20 year olds with opinions and thick glasses perusing the selection of used records. A handful of students were looking to escape the stresses of college life in a good book they would never finish, because midterms would come far too soon. The regulars also included an old man in excessive tweed who carried a cane and gave unsolicited advice about the lesser-known classics. Cora secretly referred to him as “The Professor” and was only half sure he didn’t actually work there. Cora was a little more preoccupied today, because Marie usually worked afternoons on Thursdays.

“Calm down. Breathe.” Rowena put her hand on her jittery friend’s shoulder. Cora crossed her arms and shifted her weight forward and backward on her feet. Rowena motioned with her head towards the International Cooking shelf where Marie was stocking a few new arrivals. Cora took a deep breath in and out, before striding over.

Rowena shook her head and wandered over to a little shrine dedicated to H. G. Wells, thinking to add to her collection of books short enough to finish in an afternoon. That was her favourite kind, she wasn’t a fan of the epic. She heard Cora’s loud laughter, and decided that all was going well with her. It was, in fact.

They had started talking about school and work, but had moved on to discussing a rivalry between two local bands. There were surprisingly good jokes circulating about that, as it had become a bit of a neighborhood inside joke.

“But really, if Short Boat and Risky Kingdom just got along, they could merge into a super group,” Cora hypothesised.

“The problem with that is… would we call them Risky Boat or Short Kingdom?” Marie said, sorting a few Cajun cookbooks back into their proper places. Cora chuckled, even though it wasn’t that funny.

“Either way, between the two of them they would almost make up a whole band.”

“In numbers or in musical talent? Because I’m pretty sure Short Boat has a new bassist. They say he’s better than the last one.” Marie moved onto the Chinese cookbooks, which someone had disorganised.

“What? No, it's the same one. He just got a haircut, now he can actually see what he’s playing,” Cora smirked. Marie laughed.

“Anyway,” Cora said, “I should probably let you get back to work.”

“All right, it’s always nice talking to you.” Marie gave a little wave, which Cora returned before meandering back to Rowena.

A book on 20th century art had caught Rowena’s eye, and she was browsing it absentmindedly. She decided that she didn’t really get pop art. However, she had discovered that Picasso painted some things that didn’t look like what she generally thought of when someone said 'Picasso'. She kept flipping through with mild interest.

“Ro, guess what? It’s always nice talking to me.” Cora was grinning proudly as she latched onto Rowena’s arm like a leech.

Rowena opened her mouth to ask a question, but there was a flash of light from outside, and a resounding boom like someone had turned on the world’s largest subwoofer. The ground shook a little. Cora shrieked and Rowena dropped her book. Everything was a haze of panic for a moment, but then it stopped. The lights in the store went out, and the unobtrusive background music had stopped. There was an atmosphere of confusion.

People were quiet, looking around for the source of whatever the hell happened. From the record section there was a few shouted profanities, someone knocked over a stack of books in the commotion and someone else had tripped.

Rowena stepped towards the window cautiously. She saw the clear sky, the mostly empty street, and a large black mark on the asphalt, as if it had been… scorched? The mark was about a metre in diameter, smoking slightly, and the air smelled hot.

“Was that lightning?” Cora asked, her voice quieter than usual.

“It’s completely clear out.” Rowena’s eyebrows scrunched together, closely followed by a puzzled expression appearing on the rest of her face. Her heart rate had not yet returned to normal and she could hear Cora breathing shakily.Lightning on a clear day. Strange.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
ayancey23 Review
ayancey23 wrote a review Review · Apr 26, 2014

Okay....I think this is a review.
All right, I loved your setting and tone throughout the passage, it was constant and easy to follow. I love the different characters and how you made them come to life, though there were a few forced details and sentences but I think the Holy and Silver pretty much covered that. Your details were amazing and accurate. Keep writing and just keep in mind to show more than tell, though I think you did an awesome job of that already. For the most part, I think that anything you need to fix has already been mentioned.
I would give some critiquing on grammar or spelling....but I'm terrible with my grammar and spelling.
Also, I absolutely loved the ending. The way you set the setting and story up led into it perfectly. You made it realistic and entertaining. And remember, this is just my opinion because I'm a sucker for supernatural events and cliffhangers. Keep writing! I'm pumped for the next chapter!

User avatar
Snowery
Review
Snowery wrote a review Review · Apr 23, 2014

Hey!! Silver here to review your story!! :)

Let's get to it!

Main Points

carrying severed heads of gorgons.


It would make your story flow much better if you put "the" after "carrying".

It was either that or sign up for medical experiments.”


This made me laugh! I see they're flyers all the time.

while Rowena played Tetris with the fridge contents.


Urgh, awesome simile! Totally accurate too XD

the water damage on the ceiling spread again.


This works but it doesn't really sound accurate to say that the water damage has spread “again”, maybe try spread “even more”.

It was, in fact


This would be better placed in the next paragraph. Also, I had no idea whoo “they” were in the next paragraph for a while and became confused. You should make the transition a little clearer.

Overall, the best thing about your piece has definitely been your character development. I feel like
I already know Rowena and Cora (especially Rowenna) really well! Which is great because that means that the readers can instantly sympathise and bond with your characters. Your descriptions were generally very good, except for the occasional info dump which Holy has already mentioned and your ending was pretty good too. :) The main problem that I had with your story was the perspectives. It felt like most of the time I was jumping between Rowena and Cora with no real warning and sometimes just floating in between. I feel that if you picked one perspective and stayed with it for a while (ie. Half or a whole chapter) then you story would be much stronger. Apart from that I really enjoyed this! :) Keep it up and happy writing!! :) :)

Silverlock

User avatar
Holysocks
Review
Holysocks wrote a review Review · Apr 23, 2014

It's Superman. O.O Why, I don't know... because he's the lamest, sorry.

Forget that, I'm here to review! :-P

She seemed to think that Spiderman boxer shorts were an acceptable substitute for actual pants.


There not?! XD I love this sentence!

So the cool thing is, I already feel as if I know your characters! You developed their personalities so fast, that I think I know them! It makes me very happy!!!
One thing I did notice though, sometimes in your dialogue, you give us a bit too much information. And, well, it feels like a info dump.
Things like:

"You never worked a day in your life until a month ago."


sometimes sound a bit odd in dialogue, because people think you're trying to stuff details down their throats. ( I know, it's weird. ) My suggestion is to try to have a little less of those. And remember; these are all just suggestions, and opinions.

...while Rowena played Tetris with the fridge contents.


Oh. My. Gosh. I love your descriptions! This is so entertaining! Why didn't you have 'humour' as describing this chapter?!

This was a really fun read. I want to read more! So, like... get writing!

-Socks



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