Prologue (Part I)

by ChloeAB

Published April 22, 2014

12+ Language Violence

In Kingdoms

PreviousNext

She snapped her head towards the open window as a clap of thunder slapped the night time sky. Her body was rigid and she sighed in frustration, cursing herself for jumping at a noise. The wooden window shutter danced in the harsh, windy rain, tormenting her and she rose from her scribbled notes to restrict it. The cloned brick buildings fanned out across the city like a disease, caressed by the blank skyline. Here and there were shocks of blue lights showing where the nearest warden post was to each household-it was apparently important that everyone knew. Dotted along the streets were hatchways allowing access to the levels below. These were originally installed by the former King during The Almighty War to allow pedestrians to travel safely. Most of the keys were destroyed when King Lockwood came into power, but she still had one. A family heirloom her father had said with a wink.

As she reached the window she paused. The moonlight danced across her cocoa skin and intertwined itself playfully in her curly, black hair. Lightning frolicked across the sky and her racing heartbeat settled slightly. She loved the lightning and often imagine what it would be like to be up in the sky with it, surrounded by its immense energy… She despised thunder; it blasted an overwhelming fear into her but she could never decipher why… As the lightning melted away from the black night, she pondered how she could never encounter the thing she loved until she passed what she hated. A disgusting paradox. Her thoughts were dragged from the skyline as damp fur drifted across her arm. She jumped again fell to the floor. A small ferret followed her down and rested on her chest, it’s large, angelic, green eyes invading her prideful personal space. She shook the beast off and was about to shut it outside of the window when it started whining.

‘What? What do you want?’ It released a desperate whine at her again, looking into her with a soulful expression. She rolled her eyes. Grabbing the creature by the scruff of its neck, she dangled it outside the window above the cobblestone street below and was ready to let it topple down when a warden appeared from a crossroad. He shone his lamp down the nearest alleys and hatchways.

‘Where are you, you dumb-arse vermin?’ He muttered in annoyance. She turned the ferret to face her.

‘Well I’m guessing he isn’t a friend of yours then?’ She raised her eyebrows at it and it squirmed away, as if embarrassed. The warden slammed the hatchway shut and let his key settle in with the rest. He drew a knife from his belt.

‘Oh when I find you, you’re gonna be a dead little twat, d’you hear me?’ Sighing at her continued misjudgement in almost all situations, she closed the window and placed the ferret down on the bed. It seemed unsure as whether to thank her or fear her as it padded about the bed. The girl caressed her temples as the addition to the household settled down and looked up at her. Her bungalow was a wide open space with her bed and side table in one corner and her desk next to it. On the opposite side of the room was a joint kitchen-dining room-lounge. The architects really made use of every square inch of the wooden floorboards. A lone washroom stood in one corner next to the windows.

‘Well I suppose we better think of a name for you…hmm’ She wandered from her bed over to the fridge and pulled out a scrap from the scraps of food in her fridge. Walking back over, the fidgety ferret started waggling its tail back and forth as it spied the food in her hand. ‘Oh’ She gestured the food ‘You want this do you?’ She smiled to herself as she bent down in front of the ferret offering the lame excuse for food in her hand. In its excitement, the ferret haphazardly gnawed at her finger with absent-minded ferocity. ‘Ow! Hmm…small yet mighty. I think I’ll call you Jericho. It’s MICE to meet you, haha,’ The ferret looked at her with a exasperated expression. She had no idea a ferrets emotional range was that large. ‘Joking, it’s wonderful to make your acquaintance I’m Evanee’ The ferret leaped on Evanee’s arm and ran up it to circle round her neck, nuzzling into her. ‘Welcome to the Porter family.’ The new addition had caused the Porter family to double in size.

*

Commandante Vladimir Cardiner was, to be frank, just a horrible person. He was one of those people who when you saw in the street, you wouldn’t just cross the road, you’d run the hell away as fast as you could and never look back. He was a short rotund man with archway eyebrows that acted as arrows pointing out his large arched nose. On this particular night Commandante Cardiner was atop the town hall propping his large lump of a body against the bell tower like a sad sack of flour…or just a sack of flour, I’m not entirely sure what the emotion ‘sad’ adds to metaphor, but that is neither here nor there. I digress. The Commandante was leaning against the bell tower vaguely resembling the shape of a sack and he didn’t turn as he heard his henchmen stumble onto the rooftop amongst the fists of rain falling from the sky. The blue lights from the wardens post flickered fuzzily through the onslaught.

A skinny, rat-faced girl led the group onto the roof, followed by a tower of muscles dragging a young boy of no more than 17 years old. The group was reared up by two men with Arthur Artifex .22 calibre machine guns. The rat-girl marched through the rain as if it were not there and saluted behind Vladimir. ‘Commandante Cardiner, Mortem Nox reporting for duty, sir.’ The Commandante breathed in the polluted air as he looked out over the rain-kissed city. He left enough of a pause for Mortem to become uncomfortable and start shifting from the cold of the night. She slowly, ashamedly brought her arm down from her salute. Eventually he stepped down from his high horse over the city and turned to face the group resting on an oak cane with a solid gold cobra atop it.

‘Did you find…one?’ Commandante’s voice drawled with disgust as he peered around Nox’s shoulder to stare at the anxious boy struggling in the muscles grasp.

‘Yes sir, me and Damien Eldtritch-‘ The man holding the boy saluted then returned to restraining the young boy. ‘-discovered him trying to using his deceptive tricks to…urm… ‘bag a girl’ as he put it.’

‘It’s Damien and I.’ he said back

‘…what?’

‘You said ‘me and Damien’ it’s ‘Damien and I’, anywho.’

The Commandante pushed past her and she stumbled to try to catch him up, with little effort, as he hobbled over to the boy. Vladimir looked down his nose at the boy. He was an Interloper - someone cursed with powers. Before King Lockwood came to power, Interloper’s were shunned from society, but the newly appointed King Lockwood seemed to think that they deserved an equal chance in this world. He was wrong, of course, but Vladimir wasn’t too worried, many people shared his distaste of them.

Approaching the boy, Commandante Cardiner hit the boy to standing with his cane and he released a short cough that the wind swallowed up and took away.

‘What is your name, Interloper?’ The boy remained silent and stared into Vladimir’s face, defiant. The Commandante rolled his eyes lethargically and bashed the back of the boy’s knees with his cane as the rain hammered down continuously. He winced as he fell.

‘Did you make me stand up just so you could hit my knees?’ He spat.

‘Yes, yes I did, so stop whining about it because none of us care.’ Cardiner started to waddle away before a dramatic spin around ‘Now, boy. What. Is. Your. Name?’ There was a moment of silence broken when the Commandante raised his cane again.

‘Don’t, don’t! My name is Adrian Hicks, and I have done nothing wrong so-‘

‘Of course you have, you’re an interloper and shut up your false arrogance has become annoying already’ He drawled as he wiped rain away from his eye. Wouldn’t want anyone thinking that was a tear. ‘This will all be over quickly and less painful if you cooperate with me,’ Commandante Cardiner looked over his shoulder to check Adrian was still paying attention, which he was-his eyes followed him like a hawk. ‘Right, why is Theodore Basil helping your kind?’

‘Well I’d guess a decent person, but I’ve never met him.’ Adrian retorted. Vladimir fixed him with a malicious stare. This was then moved to Damien Eldritch and he flicked his head towards the edge of the roof. Damien pulled Adrian up by the scruff of his jacket and pushed him over towards the edge. He then spun Adrian around and grabbed him by the throat, lifting him so his feet just touched the ground. A band of tribal tattoos snaked its way along Damien’s arm, dipped under his tight fitting t-shirt and re-emerged across his neck. A scar cut its way across Eldritch’s face form his left eye down to meet the neck tattoo. Adrian’s eyes widened like a rabbit’s under the bright ray of the headlights.

‘I don’t like doing things the easy way so we’re going to cut straight to the hard way, why is Theodore Basil helping you vermin?’ The Commandante leaned against his cane like a bulbous easel.

‘You don’t scare me,’ As soon as the words had bustled their escape out of his mouth Adrian regretted them and was thrust over the edge. His legs moved frantically below him like two trout out of water. ‘Okay! Okay! You scare me!’ Adrian screeched. Damien pulled him back over with a grumble. Back above ground Hicks gained some of his confidence back. He risked a scarce glance over at Mortem Nox and saw she had a wicked grin scraped across her face, loving his pain. Sadist.

Commandante Cardiner looked up into the sky distastefully. He was clearly sick of it, and sick of Adrian.

‘One last time,’ he whispered then, juxtaposing, bellowed ‘WHY IS THAT TWAT HELPING YOU?’

‘I won’t tell you anything!’ Adrian whimpered back. Damien pushed him over the edge again

‘Okay I’m sorry!’ Adrian cried, scrabbling to hold on to Eldritch’s bulging muscles ‘But I don’t know anything! I’ve never heard of a Theodore bloody Basil! Please don’t kill me…’

‘He is a coward who knows nothing, sir’ Damien grumbled in a deep voice ‘He knows nothing’

‘I can see that.’ The Commandante remarked, helpfully.

‘Well I wouldn’t say nothing.’ Adrian chimed in.

‘Drop him.’ The Commandante commanded

‘WHAT! No don’t kill me!’ Adrian begged, desperation seeping out of him.

‘Oh don’t worry Mr Hicks, I won’t kill you,’ Mortem went and stood next to the Commandante and gave Adrian a small, smug wave. ‘I can’t say the same for that fall.’ And with that Damien released the only hope of survival that was his fist and Adrian Hicks plummeted towards the Earth, his bloodcurdling scream drowned out by a crack of thunder and a bolt of lightning.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
GreenTulip
Review
GreenTulip wrote a review Review · Apr 27, 2014

Hi, Tulip here to give you a review on your piece here...on this beautiful sunny, warm Sunday.

This is a very interesting start of something that you plan on reading. The first part was interesting but at the same time dull. It almost made me want to give up trying to read that rest, but I pushed through.

Your spelling and grammar are spot on- no errors from what I have been able to see. They are great, and well nothing on this part to nitpick about.

Penguin was correct in saying, that you use description a lot. It's used almost everywhere- and it can be quite tiring to keep reading the same thing over and over again. I know it's hard to write anything without any detail- but it just means that the detail can be limited. take out any of the details that aren't very necessary till later on.

Your characters all have strong voices- even the one's we don't see much of. They are well though and I can tell (that just maybe) you put effort into making your characters before you started to right it. The one thing I have to say is that- your female character a the start, it's nice to see one who isn't white.

Good job, keep on writing. ~Tulip.

Thank you for your comments! I'm going to go back through my piece and revise it with these in mind :) Thank you!

User avatar
PenguinAttack
Review
PenguinAttack wrote a review Review · Apr 27, 2014

Howdy Chloe!

Lovely to meet you! :D It is wonderful to see a work that is so full of imagery! You definitely have a handle on describing what you want and having that image leap off the page. Your characters are also very strong, with distinct personalities, which is excellent to encounter.

That said, you have a bit too much description (I think my heart just stopped, saying that!) because we're a bit saturated in it. By the end of the first paragraph I had so much information that I was ready for a break, instead it keeps going with even more description. I know what you're thinking "how do I write description without writing descriptions!?" You can't, it's true. What you can do is disperse that description throughout your novel over time. You want to tell me now that there is too much to describe! You're creating a whole new world here! And I get that as well. But think about the books you read and the understanding you have of the world. Do you know everything all at once? Think of your readers as foreigners. We don't even know the language fluently yet, you have to gentle us into your world.

Also consider if you're repeating things too much. Some of your paragraphs repeat words or phrases in slightly different ways and it becomes a little tiring, considering the strength of your narrator's voice. Your narrator has an excellent voice though, strong and clear (I'd lose the bit about the "sad" in the middle because we don't know your narrator as a character and it is only in that bit when they become a character).

Looking forward to the next bit! Thanks for posting!

- Penguin.

Thanks for the review, your points are really helpful, I shall review my piece and take your advice on board! Thanks again! :D



Be steadfast as a tower that doth not bend its stately summit to the tempest’s shock.
— Dante Alighieri