Young Writers Society

This was a pretty cool piece of mythology. I could totally imagine Nico riding this thing into the thick of battle mowing down every enemy in their path. One tiny bit of advice, though. I'm not going to point out all of the grammatical and spelling errors in this piece, but I will say there are more than you would probably like. I suggest reading it out loud to yourself to detect previously overlooked mistakes. Of course, they are not big ones, but it is usually logical to fix them before a zillion people point it out.
Overall, pretty awesome story. It seems like something right out of a mythology book. The hater horse seems to be a formidable adversary, but not too overpowered or crazy scary. One more thing, you should probably say that this is in the Percy Jackson/Heroes of Olympus universe for fear of confusing non-fans in the second myth. Despite the small stuff, I really enjoyed this story!
-Toady

Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!

So first off, I think it's kind of cool that you have a little introduction here. You take the time to explain what a Hater Horse is before you dive into the story. I've never seen something written like that before. It's kind or weird, but I think I like it that way.

Before I start reading the myth, let me just say that right now bunched together in one huge paragraph. It's important to write in several different paragraphs so it's easier for readers to read. A rule of thumb to remember: start a new paragraph each time there is dialogue from someone new. And the way to know when the make a new paragraph the rest of the time is just by how it's read. Make sure to fix all that when you go through and edit

I think this story is very entertaining. It's short and to the point. This boy is given a task by Hades to tame this horse. He does so, but Hades says that he has made the horse love, not be tame. I fail to see the difference between the two, but that's just me.

I'm a bit confused however, about the part where the boy spends the night in Hades's shrine. He spent the night and then went back to his home to find it destroyed? Did I read that right? I think you're missing a part of the story there.

This is a very interesting story and I think it was well written. Just make sure to fix the formatting and add some more information in there to make it a bit less confusing.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

Hello there!

Queerelves pointed out most stuff, so I'll just be saying my opinion.

First off, quick and easy change in the title:
Right now it's "Science Fiction come to life". Okay, so you need it to all be capitalized and "come" needs to be either "comes" or "coming" (in that case you would need to put the word "is").

I like your point stated in here, and I like your facts. It just needs to be edited. It seems as if this was really rushed when typing. For example:

But that was back then when everything cost a nickel Now in 2014 all those fears on how the world will end are now coming true.

I like the points you made in your essay, but overall it was very hard to read and understand. The first problem was the formatting: your paragraphs are all indented differently, which makes it unappealing looking and might deter readers. However, the weird formatting might be accidental; from what I've seen, the formatting gets weird on here sometimes.

From here, I'll just break it down paragraph by paragraph.

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Introduction Paragraph:

You had an introduction paragraph, so points there.

"For years now, Authors have created various examples of futuristic society's. How the world will end up. And each has had a chilling possibility of coming true."

A good start; I wouldn't change anything except the grammar. "Author" should be lowercase, and "society's" should be "societies." Instead of having two separate sentences I would combine the first two as "For years...of futuristic societies, of how the world will end up." I would slash "And" off the beginning of the next sentence.

"But that was back then when everything cost a nickel Now in 2014 all those fears on how the world will end are now coming true."

This is a little unclear. You say "But that was back..." but don't tell us what "that" is. Instead, say something like, "But these stories were written back..." or "These futures were imagined back..." Add a period after nickle (or even a semi-colon). Add commas before and after "in 2014" and you'll be good.

If this is a formal essay, you should have a thesis statement. Maybe something like, "Classical science fiction has predicted the future of society; it's predicted [x], [y], and [z]." I'm bad at writing thesis statements, but you get the gist.

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First Body Paragraph:

"One example of a problem that is now a major issue is over population of the planet. On average right now the world consist of over 7 billion people. Roughly 2 billion more will come in the year 2050."

The beginning of your first body paragraph is really good. You state your example and support it with facts. If you were to change anything, I would change "come in" to "come by."

"Due to the rise of population that continues to expand it has created issues."

I just don't like the phrasing here. It doesn't flow right.

"For instance, Our planet is the size it is, it won't grow or shrink but our population can do both. We will someday run out of room on our planet."

Good! You state a fact, and you support it. Tweak the grammar and it'll be perfect. Also, don't use pronouns like "you" "we" "our" or "I" in an essay.

"Also, by over population food sources must double in crop production. As of right now the percentile of our crops that are going to feeding Us, human beings is 55% the other are made for animals; such as farm animals. Now where will we put this extra places for crops?"

You start to lose me here. Your wording is a little confusing. I get the gist of what you're saying, but I'm a little confused. You could cut a lot of the unnecessary parts and shorten it up plus make it make more sense. "Over population will cause a greater need in food production" will do. The part about 55% of crops being for humans seems excessive and unnecessary. It doesn't help you to prove your point, and it just makes it longer. Your last sentence is perfect. Again, don't use "us"

"Certainty not the tropical rainforest in brazil and the amazon that are not nothing more than corn fields. Perhaps reusing farms we already process? Or even plant crops that will give the most benefits in our nutrimental diet we need to at least survive."

I'm confused. Your wording doesn't make sense. And what's the point of coming up with solutions to these problems? That's going off topic; your essay isn't about creating solutions to those problems. Don't use "we."

Finally, you didn't mention how this was related to science fiction at all; all you said was that it was a problem in our society. Where did this happen in science fiction? Who wrote about it? What did they say about it? Those are important parts of this essay. Without them, this essay is just about approaching problems.

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Second Body Paragraph:


Instead of focusing so heavily on the rainforest here, you might be best to broaden it and talk about damage to our environment as a whole because broader topics are almost always best.


The first thing you need is a topic sentence. You had a great one in the first body paragraph ("One example of a problem that is now a major issue is over population of the planet"), and now you need one in this paragraph.

"The rainforest have had thousands of miles wide and long of trees, that can recycle the oxygen that we need to breathe. By cutting and burning away the rainforest now our oxygen percentage on earth has dropped dramatically."

Good! Perfect! You have a claim, support, and it's something that will be directly impacting your reader since everyone needs oxygen. Don't use "our."

"If we replaced what we used then we could revert the dramatic drop of oxygen we have loosed by destroying the forest, but were not. Instead we are acting like nothing is wrong using fertilizers in our corn fields that drain away into the streams and the amazon not only killing the forest eco system but the amazon river eco system as well."

There's no sense in giving us a solution to this problem--at least not in this essay. Tell us more ways our environment is being impacted, and then tell us about how it relates to science fiction. Tell us what science fiction stories had this same problem, tell us what science fiction writers wrote about it. That's important. And don't use "we."

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Third Body Paragraph:


I'm super confused about this entire paragraph. You keep jumping all over the place, and I'm not sure what exactly you're talking about.

First off, topic sentence. Make sure it mentions black outs and the later part about humans turning savage because of it.

"Beside those problems we also have this possibility that research shows could happen." What possibility? What research? The order and phrasing of this sentence doesn't really make much sense. You could say something like, "Besides those problems, research shows that a blackout may be possible." Also, don't use "we."

"You have all seen the books of black outs and apocalypse. One of the most known event that could create one that is a possibility is a black out." Besides using "you," I think you're good here.

"It is known that during a natural disaster or an emergency even the most nicest person has the opportunity of turning bad. Human beings as a whole are animals. With the basic instincts in a situation of flight or fight."

I'm a little confused now. Instead of jumping from blackouts to humans being animals, maybe add a little transition? Maybe introduce this as your introducing blackouts. Add this bit to your topic sentence.

"Now if the world ever had a black out from a solar flare. Due to the fact of the sun's abnormally active state. Or to a war, whether with our own country or with another due to the most common reason for war land, or oil."

I'm even more confused. I don't think this part is necessary. Instead, relate this to science fiction. That's important, still.

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Conclusion Paragraph:

Props for having a conclusion paragraph.

"The reasons of why bringing up a few of the problems we now face? is like most solutions complex but simple. These problems are occurring during our generation and will throughout ours and our grand children's. to better the lives of future generations we must fix the problems in this one. We must be able to give our children the life they deserve in a world that is green and beautiful and not destroyed. We must better the lives of today to ensure the prosperity of tomorrow."

I think you should redo this paragraph. It doesn't relate to science fiction, it doesn't include a restated thesis, etc.

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I think you have a good basis for an essay here, and I'm sorry I kind of tore it apart.