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Carnation: The Assassin's Tears - Chapter 1

by Brunnera


Thanks to queerelves and Mackattack, the first two reviewers of this chapter, I've fixed this up according to the flaws and mistakes they have pointed out. However, that doesn't mean I won't accept any other criticism. I really want this chapter to be appealing to all readers. :D

~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 1

.

Seraphine:

The Target

.

The door of my house opened and Kameira stepped in, kicking off her boots at the entrance.

I shifted my attention from the TV to her as my lips curved into a smile. "Hi, Mei," I greeted, watching her hang her coat, “How was today?”

“Nothing new, of course,” She sounded exasperated and released a small, tired sigh, plopping onto the sofa, sitting down next to me, "To think I’ve been working on this case for half a year…I’ve got to catch those bastards before the case goes cold.”

"The UC Bandits,” I nodded my head, pointing out the sandwiches on the platter on the coffee table, “Eat that, Mei,” I watched her take a sandwich and I continued, “I haven’t actually been paying attention to the news lately, but I heard they’re quite professional.”

"My chief says they’re pros, but I say they’re amateurs with luck on their side," She massaged the bridge of her nose, “The surveillaance footage isn’t helping the investigation, either.”

"Unless if I analyze the footage myself, I can't be much of a help," I gave my sister an apologetic smile.

Kameira simply smiled back and reached a hand out for the remote on the table. "It's alright, Sera. I’ll solve this case sooner or later." As soon as she finished her sentence, she changed the channel and started watching her favourite drama.

I watched the drama with her, only to be interrupted when my phone rang. I sighed before glancing at the clock to see it was a quarter to midnight. Who in their right mind would be calling Carnation at this time of hour?

Just so you know, I have two phones; one is for my personal use while the other belongs to 'Carnation'. I honestly don't know how my clients get my number, they just do.

"Hello?" I recited, answering the call.

"Hello, is this Carnation?” A shaky voice asked.

"Yes. Who is this?"

"I'm Katherine, I need to hire you," She said. Her voice was trembling and, through careful hearing, I heard the faint sound of rain. I glanced out the window to see it was indeed raining, quite heavily, and the woman continued, "Do you have any clients at the moment?"

"No, I’m completely free. Who is my target?" I questioned, grabbing a pen and my notebook nearby. She replied my target is a killer whom the police were unable to catch, and I scribbled the information down, "Alright, that is all I need to know for the time being. Where and when can we meet?"

"Tomorrow, at a café down Olive Street in Markets, Veronda,"She told me and I jotted the information down, "It’s a lonely café so it’ll be easy to spot me. I’ll be around at three o'clock. Is that Alright?"

"Of course, I'll meet you there," I said, checking the information that I've written, "Please note that if you do not show up, or if I find you are tricking me in any way, I will hunt you down and kill you before my identity is revealed. Is that clear?"

"Yes," Her answer was firm.

I hung up. Markets was a place specially made for shops and outlets, like small banks and grocery stores. Everytime I had to go out to buy groceries, I didn’t have to go far because Markets was closeby to West Haley, not to mention both of the said places were in the same area.

After telling Kameira about the appointment, she advised me to go to sleep.

The next morning, I took a bath and changed out of my night gown exiting my room. Looking up to see it was seven o’ clock, I followed my routine and cooked some breakfast. My younger sister woke out about half an hour later, bathed and looking fresh.

Time passed quickly as we ate our breakfast in the living room (we have no dining table). The clock struck 8.15 am and Kameira had to leave. She grabbed her coat, badge and handbag before giving me a kiss on the cheek. I watched her leave through the front door.

I spent the morning reading a book until it struck one o’clock. Ambling into my room, I tied my brown hair into a high ponytail and changed into something decent to wear outside of home. Putting my notebook and pen into my handbag, I exited the house.

Around 3.10 pm I arrived at the restaurant. Excluding the waiters, there was only one person in the café.

A woman, about a few years older than me, sat at a round table, her face expresionless and empty. Her long dirty-blonde hair cascaded down her back and her legs were crossed as she stared at the drink in front of her, watching the yellowish-brown colour of her ice-lemon tea falter as the ice cubes in the glass melted slowly.

I sat opposite her at the table-for-two, startling her. She looked up and I smiled, "I'm glad you're here. Now, shall we?"

After some silence, she blinked and pulled herself together.

"You caught me off guard. I never thought you were so young," She told me, a shy smile playing on her face. However, it disappeared quickly and she leaned forward, her voice low, "There's this man named is Darren. The police are investigating his crimes, but are getting nowhere with no leads. It’s been so long and I’ve gotten impatient, so I figured you were the right person for this job.”

"I’m the right person for any job," I laughed, taking out my pen and notebook, “Alright, please give me information about my target.”

"This man…he killed my son a month ago," She told me, her facial expression changing into that of devastation and sadness. Her periwinkle-blue flickered with hatred and I remained silent as she continued, "From my own research, I learned he claimed the lives of five other innocent children, ranging from age two to fourteen. His facial features are unrecognizable despite the amazing quality of the footage but I’m sure he has dark brown hair.”

I wrote the information down in my notebook. Not another word escaped her lips and I looked up after a few minutes, surprised by the lack of information, "Is that all you know? The more info you give me, the easier I find him and take him down."

She remained silent, driving my lips to a disappointed frown. Closing my notebook, I explained, "Ma’am, I'll need your number and address," I saved the information on Carnation’s phone, along with a picture of her, and I rose from my seat, giving her a sweet smile, "Thank you. I'll call you as soon as I'm done with testing."

With that, I left the café.

You're probably wondering what I mean by 'testing'. Well, here's how I work—the client will obtain my number from an unknown source and arrange a meeting. During our meet-up, my client will tell me everything he or she knows about my target, as this will make it easier for me to track down or kill the target.

With the guidance of the information from my client, I'll do my own investigation (through a computer or by questioning, a bit like a detective). Let's say, I know where my victim is or will be, so I'll go to the location of my target and do some 'testing', where I will test the difficulty of killing my target. If the poor guy's dead when I'm testing (and the whole thing was relatively easy), my client pays me a small amount…let's say, five hundred thousand dollars? (Yes, I know, my assassinations are rather cheap).

If my target is a challenge, the price will go up. So, that means the higher the difficulty, the higher the cost my client has to pay me. Alright, you know the drill.

I mounted on my bicycle. Katherine walked out of the café, giving me a brief smile before she approached a car not far from me. I watched as the engine started and she drove away. Not to her knowledge, I jotted down her plate number, just in case.

I cycled past all the cars on the busy road on my way home. Markets, as I have mentioned earlier, wasn't all that far from my home, but working your way through traffic is quite tiring.

I stopped my bike in front of a convenience store and entered it, wanting to buy a drink and a snack. After browsing through the items the store had to offer, I went to the counter to pay. As I did, a man approached the counter, asking for a box of cigarettes. The cashier turned around to get them, interrupting her process of scanning my items.

The brand the new customer wanted was not there and she politely excused herself to the back of the store to search for the brand. I twitched my eye in annoyance. What happened to ‘first come, first serve’?

There was an eerie silence between the new customer and I.

In the intense silence, I suddenly heard a deep, intimidating voice murmur, “You look good enough to eat.

I shot a sharp glance at the man next to me. My hand close to my thigh, where my knife was concealed underneath my shorts.

He was slightly taller than I was. He was probably six-feet-tall, unlike myself as I stood at five-foot-ten. If he was strong and fast and there wasn't enough time for me to take my knife out, he was a possible threat.

Suddenly, the whole scene changed.

“Ah, sorry, that…came out unintentionally,” He apologized, his lips curving upwards into a winsome smile. When I did not reply, he extended an arm, “I’m Devon Const. Call me Devon.”

I hesitatingly shook his arm, "I’m…” I had doubts about giving him my first name, “Hunter.”

The cashier arrived and gave the box to him. He thanked her before paying for the cigarettes.

Then, the worker attended to me and apologized for her clumsy behavior, before wishing me a nice day. I walked out of the store and noticed Devon standing outside of the shop, smoking. Ignoring him, I mounted my bicycle.

My foot was on the pedal until I heard somebody calling my name. I looked over my shoulder to see Devon jogging towards me. With a mental sigh, I asked, "What do you want?"

"Well, I was just wondering if you were free this Saturday," He asked confidently, smiling charmingly.

I raised an eyebrow, unimpressed.

My reaction made him lose some of his confidence, thus he stuttered, “Look, you're really beautiful. Could we h-have dinner someday?"

“How old are you?” I asked him blankly. He seemed surprised by my abrupt question.

“I’m twenty-nine,” He said.

"A blatant lie—it isn’t wise to do that,” I shook my head.

"Fine, I'm thirty-one," He conceded and a smirk played on his face, "How about you, Hunter?”

“I’m twenty-six,” I told him, “Look, I don’t mind we’re five years apart, but I hardly even know you,” I applied force onto the pedal and my bicycle moved, “Better luck next time.”

"Wait, when will I see you again?" He sounded disappointed, and judging from his voice, I could tell he was wise enough to not follow me this time.

"Only time will tell," I shouted, doubting we would ever meet again.

I smiled as I heard the sound of him cursing himself, and I felt him watch me as I receded into the distance. Don’t get me wrong, though. Although I reject them, I actually enjoy it when boys flirt with me or try asking me out, because it reminds me occasionally that I’m pretty.

When I dismounted my bicycle in front of my home, it was already a quarter to five. Kameira won't be home until late at ten o'clock, which means I get a lot of privacy and free time whenever I don't have a target or assignment.

Entering my home and kicking off my shoes, I turned on the laptop and hacked into the police department's data, along with a few restricted sites which included medical reports of recent homicide victims.

This man, given the nickname ‘Darren’, was all over the database. I learned this killer started his murders on an August night last year, and has appeared in nearly all of the surveillance footage nearby the victim's body.

Through a psychiatrist’s anatomy, he considered Darren a cold-hearted psychopath. Well, that’s something I’m used to hearing—Carnation was described that way all the time.

Darren's latest victim was a young, four-year-old boy named Ryan. This boy looked a lot like Katherine, leading me to believe Ryan was my client's son, as he inherited her dark blonde hair.

The poor boy wandered away from my client when they were at a convenience store. His dead body was found the next day and the cause of death was a single gunshot to the back of his head.

I read the five other cases, one of them being the murder of Lorraine, who also passed away because of a gunshot to the head. She was at the playground when she was offered a lollipop by a casual-looking man. Her parents were chatting away with each other when the eight-year-old girl decided to follow the stranger. I guess you know what they found the next morning.

I examined all of the cases, and from the way of the homicides, it's clear he picks random victims at random places, because none of the deceased had a connection to one another. Three were white whereas two were black—two of them were blonde and brown-haired respectively, whereas the other three had dark hair. Their ages vary, their parents have different occupations and they were abducted from different places at different parts of the city. What was their connection?

I also did not see the reason to why he was comitting these atrocities, because if he was a pedophile, some of these kids would have been molested or raped or sodomized. However, his victims were fine—no signs of torture, violation or abuse, other than the gunshot to the head.

His modus operandi was simple—he would abduct a child on a late evening or early night, bring the poor child somewhere before holding them captive for a while, probably talking to them and sharing his past, or maybe mentally abusing them. After midnight, he shoots them before moving the dead body near the place where he had abducted them.

In my opinion, he was a professional. He must have done something like this long before August last year.

Although he’s been seen once or twice in the security cameras nearby the location of the body, he wears a cap to hide his face. The police also have not tracked down the location to where he brings his victims after abducting them.

Taking away the lives of the innocent is something wrong and, unfortunately for him, something I abhor. In addition, he was killing innocent, defenseless children. If he was arrested and thrown into jail for his heinous crimes, I’m sure he wouldn’t live long—inmates have a grudge against child killers.

Unfortunately for him, he won’t live to see life in jail. Why? Because I’m going to kill him first.

I downloaded the police and medical reports of the six cases onto the laptop and examined every detail, hoping to find a clue that would help me calculate the day Darren will strike again. He kills once every month, from 24th of August when his crimes started, and the latest was last month, 24th of January. Six months, six murders.

After examining the cases, I frowned, learning why the police were stuck on the cases. Of course they’ve already sorted out the fact he kills on the 24th of every month, but they couldn’t figure out where Darren will make his move on that day, and the footage obtained by the detectives are of no help, either.

I did more research on the database and I came across the surveillance footage of the three robbed banks, the same case my sister’s investigating. Two banks in the Main Uriah area and one east of town.

Kameira told me nearly everything about the case, just so I could give her my opinion about it, but my advice proved no use so far. However, as I watched the footage for the first time, I discovered one thing Kameira didn’t tell me.

Of course, the two robbers were armed with guns and had their bodies completely covered, but I noticed, just before the robbery ended, the darkness near the exit, where the light couldn't reach, shifted a bit. And yes, this whole thing occurred at night, when nobody but the security guard was around.

One of the burglars aimed his gun at the dark figure hiding in the darkness. It seemed like there was some exchange of words between the robber and the strange figure, and the criminal did not move his gun away from the direction of the person he was talking to during the whole conversation.

Soon, the burglar ran away with his partner, disappearing from the camera's angle. Then, when the duo was gone, the strange figure took a slight step forward, allowing some light to show on his face. My eyes widened as I realized who that was.

Although the light only revealed the bottom-half of his face, I could tell, by his height and dark brown hair, he was my target. He smirked at the camera, as if he knew it couldn't capture the whole of his face, before he turned and disappeared.

After watching the footage, I leaned back against my chair.

Were the UC Bandits working together with Darren? That did not make any sense. Even if theywerein some kind of coöperation, of course they would get the money, but why kill? Was Darren threatening them or was he their boss? If he were their boss, why would his workers point a gun at him without second thoughts? Why would Darren kill children unrelated to the robbers if he was threatening them, anyway?

Silence made itself comfortable around me as I tried to sort everything in my head.

I downloaded the three robbery cases onto my laptop and excused myself from the desk to make a cup of hot chocolate. I returned to the desk and sat back down, examining the trend of the robberies.

My lips muttered subconsciously as I read the case, "Three bank robberies committed over a period of six months, involving two, presumably professional criminals…with a probable third person…last bank robbery occurred on 15th of December last year…"

I snapped my fingers. Three bank robberies, over a period of six months, means this robbery occurs once every two months, and since the whole thing started on August last year (just like Darren’s murders) and the last was on December, it's bound to happen again in February the following year. Did I mention it's February now?

I read the cases. Each bank is closed at the time of the burglary, with only the ATM section of the bank open. One of the robbers will crack open the ATM machines and stuff the money into a bag whereas the other will take care of the guard and make sure nobody’s watching.

I checked the locations of the banks they’ve robbed and concluded their next target is the bank down Olive Street—close to the café I visited earlier today. After a few more minutes of reading, I finally noticed the robbery was always carried out on the 15th day of the month.

And today was Valentine’s Day—in other words, 14th of February.

Geez, talk about coincidence.

I rose from my seat and stretched, satisfied with the new-found information. Just for the sake of helping her with the case, I planned on telling Kameira about my new discovery.

I was also very confident my target—that bastard—would be watching the robbery from the shadows, so as she ambushes the area during the robbery that is bound to happen tomorrow night; I could perform my testing as Darren lurks in the shadows.

Now that's what I call killing two birds with one stone.


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229 Reviews


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Sat May 10, 2014 1:40 am
SushiSashimi333 wrote a review...



Okay, I was just browsing things to review and this one caught my interest! I don't have too much to say, but I'll do my best to give good advice.

I really liked your story, the plot line was very attention grabbing, and the idea of a hitman is always attractive. They way you introduced your character and the entire plot was really cool too. It was simple yet made an impact in my mind, well, enough of one for me to remember it well enough XD

However, I feel like there were some flow issues, and the way you told the story was a bit choppy. Perhaps if you tweaked the flow, used less "I" and "me" and told less detail. I noticed you focused on a lot of little things along with the big events, what you need to learn to do is hone in on the bigger details and skip some of the little ones. That would definitely help the flow and pace of your story. This is just my personal opinion of course, you don't have too follow it if you don't agree.

Now I'm going to be a bit nitpicky. There were parts in this piece that were a little random, a little uncalled for and unneeded. Little interjections and the like. They weren't that big of a deal, but all the same, I would try and edit those out.

Lastly, my last point would be to develop your character's personality a little more. Here she comes across as rather flat to be honest, give her something unique that will make your reader remember her forever. Give her that bit of pizazz, if you do that then this will be perfect!

Overall this was great and I shall move on to the next chapter ^^ Keep writing!

Sushi :D




Brunnera says...


Thank you for your review! :D





Sure thing ^^



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Wed May 07, 2014 11:26 am
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Ehtaniel wrote a review...



Nice first chapter. You give enough information and not too much. The writing is good and the first person narration is ok to me. You put enough mystery to make me wonder what the thing behind this strange pattern of killing.
Perhaps I'd like a few more thinking about how she feel being a killer, as it's not an usual choice of career, but I suppose it'll be explore in the next chapters (not use everything in the first one).




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Sun May 04, 2014 6:00 pm
MysteryMe wrote a review...



Hey there!!! It's MysteryMe, here for a quick review!

First of all, let me just say nice job! This is a really great, suspenseful mystery novel you have going on here, and I'm excited to see how it's all going to come together. This has a lot of promise, and I'm sure sure you'll do wonders with it.

Now for the review part... to make it easier, I'll just make a pro/con list XD.

Pro:
1) Good distribution of details. Some writers barely use details at all, while others drown you in it. This chapter is right in the middle of those extremes, and I like that a lot.

2) Nice characterization. So far, I'm already starting to like these characters, and I've got a pretty good gist about their personalities without you having to outright explain them to me. This is a perfect example of 'show, don't tell' and I applaud you for that ;).

3) Awesome last sentence. I don't know why, but I just loved the ending line, "now that's what I call killing two birds with one stone." It just has such a classic mystery-novel tone to it that I couldn't help but get all excited.


Con:
1) The first sentence. You wrote, "the door of my house opened and Kaycee stepped in, kicking off her boots at the entrance." Don't get me wrong, that's a solid beginning, but I think it can be better. Have you ever heard of a hook? It's a sentence at the beginning of a novel that's just so interesting that it drags a reader in, makes them want to see what happens next. Your sentence, while logical, is pretty basic. Try and spice it up a little bit. A good way to do that is to zoom in on some little detail (like the rumble of the Kaycee's footsteps) so that the reader feels as if they're being thrust right into the midst of the novel.

2) Dialogue sounds a bit too formal at places. The main protagonist is supposed to be young, right? Maybe try and get her to talk more casually. Sometimes she just said things that sounded a little weird in my head, but that may have just been me. For example, use contractions more often (type "what's" instead of "what is").

3) Near the beginning, you wrote "but they’re I heard they’re quite professional.” You wrote 'they're' twice, though you must've noticed it by now ;). You have a few little-typo things in there that I found, so I would suggest looking through this again in order to pull them all out.

Anyway, like I said, nice job!!! Keep writing!!! :D




Brunnera says...


I wasn't expecting you to review on my work ^_^ I've fixed up this chapter after I got some reviews (because this isnt the original chapter, this is the fixed-up version) and I'm so glad you liked it :D
And thank you for your advice! I'll be sure to keep them all in mind. I'll fix up the slight mistakes as soon as I can :)



MysteryMe says...


No problem! :D

I like to write reviews for people who give me specifically nice or helpful reviews on my own work, and you were definitely one of those people ;)



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Wed Apr 23, 2014 12:19 am
Mackattack wrote a review...



Overall I thought this was a good piece and a strong beginning. The only problem I have is the narration, when you first write a story I know you want to describe everything someone wears or sees. The only problem is that it get boring, and most of the time the writer never wants to describe whats happening, or where its really happening. You go on about what people look like without giving us much detail of the outside world.
I have this problem too and I drive a lot of people nuts, here is a hint though, start out slow then over time describe what the person is wearing. As you do this you'll show the reader what the person looks like without diverting their attention from the story. Although this is major issue it was an overall great piece, I can't wait to see what else you have planned for this story and others.




Brunnera says...


Your advice is very appreciated C: I promise I'll fix up the later chapters. I must admit I never thought too much narration would cause the reader to get bored. But I will apply your advice into my writing. :) thank you for taking the time to read my work! :D



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Tue Apr 22, 2014 4:12 pm
queerelves wrote a review...



You have a pretty good beginning to a novel here, but there are a few things I would recommend changing. First and foremost, there's just too much talking. Seraphine spends nearly the entirety of her narration just talking, and that gets very boring very quickly. Readers want a lot of action, they want stuff to be constantly happening. Readers want people to constantly be interacting. There's not a lot of interaction here, and there isn't a lot of action in general. The very beginning of your chapter was the same way: it was all Serpahine talking, and her introducing herself. Instead of having her flat out state who she is, what she looks like, etc., it would have been much better if you had included little bits of that throughout the chapter instead of just stating it all at once. Like I said, the talking gets very boring very quickly. It also makes it really lengthy, which isn't a problem if there's a lot of stuff happening, but there wasn't much happening in this chapter. If you could take out some of the talking, you could make it shorter, and you'd be killing two birds with one stone. (Speaking of which, I like the way you ended the chapter.)

I think your other biggest problem was the fact that most of your characters didn't really seem to act their age/act realistically. Seraphine seemed much younger than 26, and Devon didn't sound 31: he sounded a wee bit like a desperate middle schooler. Most adults are pretty mature, and so they talk fairly maturely.

The last problem I had with this is all of the adverbs you used. Adverbs are good in moderation, but not more than that. They're weak words, and so you should use them only when you don't want a strong description. Instead of adverbs, try using similies and metaphors, or even just adjectives.

It was a decent story, though, and I'm looking forward to reading the rest of it.




Brunnera says...


Thank you so much for reviewing! :) and yes, I will take all of your advice into consideration. The truth is I never really knew too much of narration and talking would make the readers bored O_o I appreciate you telling me. I'll fix up the other chapters and try to make them better.
And about the action part, yes, I admit this chapter (and quite possibly the following chapters) hardly has any action. Well, I always figured the first chapter would be a bit boring just to straighten out the facts.
Another thing is about my characters not acting their age. Yes--I'll fix that. But a few of my characters are meant to have a childish personality, though.
All in all, I appreciate your review. Thank you! Now I know what the readers want and expect C:



Brunnera says...


Thank you so much for reviewing! :) and yes, I will take all of your advice into consideration. The truth is I never really knew too much of narration and talking would make the readers bored O_o I appreciate you telling me. I'll fix up the other chapters and try to make them better.
And about the action part, yes, I admit this chapter (and quite possibly the following chapters) hardly has any action. Well, I always figured the first chapter would be a bit boring just to straighten out the facts.
Another thing is about my characters not acting their age. Yes--I'll fix that. But a few of my characters are meant to have a childish personality, though.
All in all, I appreciate your review. Thank you! Now I know what the readers want and expect C:



Brunnera says...


Thank you so much for reviewing! :) and yes, I will take all of your advice into consideration. The truth is I never really knew too much of narration and talking would make the readers bored O_o I appreciate you telling me. I'll fix up the other chapters and try to make them better.
And about the action part, yes, I admit this chapter (and quite possibly the following chapters) hardly has any action. Well, I always figured the first chapter would be a bit boring just to straighten out the facts.
Another thing is about my characters not acting their age. Yes--I'll fix that. But a few of my characters are meant to have a childish personality, though.
All in all, I appreciate your review. Thank you! Now I know what the readers want and expect C:



queerelves says...


I have the same problem with narration sometimes. It's really hard to write in first person without having that problem, which is actually why I rarely ever write in first person. Also, sorry if I sounded really critical in my review :P I really did enjoy reading this piece, and I'm looking forward to reading the rest of the novel



queerelves says...


I have the same problem with narration sometimes. It's really hard to write in first person without having that problem, which is actually why I rarely ever write in first person. Also, sorry if I sounded really critical in my review :P I really did enjoy reading this piece, and I'm looking forward to reading the rest of the novel



queerelves says...


I have the same problem with narration sometimes. It's really hard to write in first person without having that problem, which is actually why I rarely ever write in first person. Also, sorry if I sounded really critical in my review :P I really did enjoy reading this piece, and I'm looking forward to reading the rest of the novel



Brunnera says...


xD No, no, you didn't sound critical at all. I was not offended. As I said, your advice is really helpful :D




I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say.
— Flannery O'Connor