Young Writers Society

Losty! I'm glad I made time to review this piece. I might have been hard pressed for time otherwise :/ I like also that it is short. Time for a kick back, anyone? I will try my best not to be harsh on you, sweetie.

I do however have a feeling that I will be perverse with my language in this review. That is, I will force you to think about what I'm trying to say by not speaking plainly, sometimes. Good now that is out of the way.

You know how some people separate "nitpick," "plot," and other blar blar blar as though there were little connection between them? Yeah, I'm not doing the same. I'm going to quote you to death and critique the story bit by bit. Trust me, it works!

We take a break after five, long hours.

Somehow I get the feeling that this is a series of stories banded together in chronological order rather than a big story with many components. If I took the stock characters and told a story using them, you might fit it into the challenge. Try to make a connection between pieces which breaks the boundary of linearity, some connecting relationship. A sub-plot which can't be bounded in 2000 words.

This particular sentence is quoted because of an extraneous comma. It made me fall into one.

David says we are taking the break because everyone else insists on it, but I personally think he is more tired than what he lets us know.

This sentence is long winded and awkward. Double trouble. You could cut down this a lot and convey the thought still. Omitting "else" and "on it" from the first clause helps, as does replacing "us know" with "on." Tada! Simpler sentence.

Luckily, nothing tried to attack us again. Night is approaching fast, only about another five hours until the sun goes down. If we are to find a cave, it better be found soon, before night hits.

I dislike how this is told in a matter of fact way. You could do this better by conveying it as though it were the character's thoughts. Make it more personal. Tie down the story to the character with more "I" and "me" and such pronouns.

The first sentence lacks congruity. It does not follow the style of the other sentences. Try using more -ing words, well. No I don't mean try. I mean, since you already are using so many -ing words, try to make your -ingses regularly placed. Don't have them everywhere! ...and then leave it out from one sentence. That, or cut down on the -ings. Also, why oh why did you leave out your had? I had thought you lost something in your sentence and this is it! Please! Passive voice flows better with a had.

The second sentence. Again. Awkward. Also, word choice. Why in the seven hells of westeros would you ever use the words "night" and "only"? Any other word dealing with the dark would have been better for the former and the latter could have been left out, and the clause rewritten, even to include an action. Like, taking a measurement of the time? Why did you miss this golden opportunity?

Night hits, what? The night hits our hair, tuning it a golden black? The night hits our eyes, blinding our noses? Complete thoughts would suggest that it was not lost in writing.

I go around to everyone, making sure they are fine.

Congratulations! You have received first prize in literary for best sentence by an elementary student! *applause* (which is a little bit like applesauce by the way)

Come on Losty! Revise this! You can do so much better! Why in the world "go around to everyone"? That is so lackluster. So, boring! Spice things up! I mean, it's not wrong and all that, but really? Really?

From the looks of it, the only supply he has is extra moss for his face.

Are you saying that gum fruit isn't a supply? What if he only eats one half of the gum fruit? Then the only supply he has wouldn't be moss, would it?

That means that you did something not right. I find it not right that left is out.

Jewel, I don't even know where a cave is from this spot. You say all this, but you don't realize how hard it is to keep going on after so long. We need a break. Let me fix the moss on your arm." He reaches for my arm as he says this. I reluctantly offer it to him, a scowl planted on my face.

Quote simply, David is not conveying the tiredness Jewel assumes him to have. He needs to use exasperated questions, taunting her know-it-all attitude. Interaction isn't merely on a surface level, my dear.

His fingers move swiftly and softly as he unwraps the old moss from my arm. Curiosity brings me to look at my arm. Curiosity made me stifle back a shriek.

I suppose curiosity killed her quick enough but no? Why in the world would curiosity stop a shriek from coming? Sounds more like a fear of unsaturated curiosity. Now. Hmm. That is interesting.

A small hole takes residence in my arm. Around the hole, my skin is puckered pink with some bruising.

Living abyss? Great idea! I mean, super awesome! If we could just get the holes to cooperate that would be great.

The hidden shriek comes forth to my lips and I gladly let it out.

Use multiple clauses when you have an awkward sentence of one clause. That fixes the problem. Almost always, anyways.

David clamps his hand around my mouth, and my shriek gets muffled.

In a normal novel I would take this as a romantic gesture of some sort, but your novel is far from normal.

"Ok. When I take my hand off if your mouth, you are going to let me finish wrapping your arm. Nod your head of you are going to do just that," David tells me. I nod my head, and he lets go.

Control freak who speaks with great authority but lacks the solidness of a good leader, anyone? This is a great character!

He takes my arm back without acknowledging my apology.

What in the world of monsters persuaded you to use the word "takes." Seriously? Takes? Have your vocabulary been removed or something?

As I look at his handiwork, I begin to wonder where how he learned to do this.

What does the fox say?

Where-how-how-how-where-how-how-wheeeereeee

David replies to my thoughts, "Before being sent to this place, I had worked in a hospital as a nurse. I guess since home is so far away, I never thought to tell you this. No one really talks about their old lives anymore."

Alright remember how I told you to use had? Well, now ignore that advice here.

The first clause is simply lame. How flat can things go? Add some color to your explanation. Just plain old "replied to my thoughts" does not pull any punches.

Plot question. So David, who I only recall as being a good friend of the MC at first, now shows how little the MC really knows of him? I might have fizzled out on my memory, but that's the situation as it was as I recall.

"This place" being rainbowland? Does that mean that David was sent to rainbowland? If he was sent, wouldn't it be on an official capacity? What exactly are you trying to convey?

"No," I respond, "No they don't. About finding that cave. I suggest you send a few Scouts to look-"

Respond? Are you for real, Losty? How flat can this go? We all know she is responding. Tell us more of how she responds by using a different word to respond! Try "affirmed"? Or agreed? What else to show her agreemation? (I jumbled agreement and affirmation together) split up the dialogue regarding finding the cave, or rather place the "i reply" thing after the repetition of "they don't". This allows you to delve into the MC's thoughts and actions directly prior to switching the subject. This is something you really need to do o make a colorful story. Don't spam away with the "he said she said" things. Use it precisely, always see how you can add to the basic.

He stops me, "Those are dangerous thoughts. Stray away from them. Did you already forget the gummy bears that like to kill? Did you already forget Yori?"

I prefer the terms "have you" instead of "did you." "Did you" seems to restrict to a physical action, whereas "have you" allows for more options. I like your use of the word "stray" it is really creative and nice.

"That was a foul move and you know it."

So this is a game of moves where the gummy bears....were rewarded for a foul move?

"No, but-"

"DID YOU FORGET?"

"No."

A question for a reply would have suited this character better.

Like: did I?

I mean this character is a boundary pusher. She's pushing limits pretty bad, so giving meek answers like that really isn't in the flow.

David grins,

I really like the emerging sadistic nature of David. He shouts and grins after getting the answer he desires.

He pushes me aside as if the conversation ended because he said so. Then I realize that it did.

Remember what I said about had? Yeah, it could be used right about here.

The little butthole! Well, I guess I'll have to prove him wrong about his cave decision. I look around, making sure no one is looking my way.

What cave decision? He only refused to speak of it right?

I take a couple steps backward before spinning on my heel and run into the maze of trees.

I see your love of the -ing suffix has run dry. *runs to call Cupid*

It wasn't until I was a mile away when I realized that I forgot my pack back with David.

This sentence is the epitome of awkward. It uses so many lackluster cutoutable words that I died reading it.

So, basically, I came out here with only my knife tucked away in my belt.

Thanks for telling us a first person present tense story with the retrospection of a person in old age trying to recall some event in their youth.

What I'm trying to tell you is that this piece lacks a storytelling non fireplace chair tone. This story may be good for a bedtime story, due to the tone. Instead of telling the situation try to show it.

I reach out at the stray logs to help me stay afloat.

I'm sure you can remove the "the" and still the sentence will flow great.

Finally, just as I was about to let go of my current log, I hit a river bed.

If you were of the same nationality as me I would make a joke about you flipping your tenses, but as it is you wouldn't understand it. Same with the succeeding sentences.

Alright for the rest of the story you went at 4x normal speed. Please! Slow down! It's like we're strolling merrily through the story and suddenly a random speed checkpoint appears. Zoom!!


Keep writing!