I was sitting in the Government office waiting for my turn to meet the officer. My afternoon had turned boring and my work had gone for a toss, as the officer was busy with his break fast at tea time. The whole department was filled with heaps of files lying carelessly and the officers, sleeping heedlessly.
Some were yawning, some were snoring. The office had an aroma suspiciously similar to an onion perfume. Most officers came to the office at 1.00 PM and left for lunch at 1.30 PM.
The receptionist had the responsibility to handle the angry mob.
She gave peppy reasons like "He's in the washroom," to every client.
'Seriously! Is this *beep* suffering from diarrhea?'. At times, even she got embarrassed about it.
I looked at my watch. An hour had passed by, but the queue hadn't moved an inch.
"Okay, next," the receptionist finally shouted. Luckily our busy officer had finished his lunch and the inauguration ceremony had taken place. The queue had moved ahead. My legs were paining. I was sweating like a pig, and was about to bark at her like a Doberman. I resisted that temptation.
'It's amazing how nobody complains, but synchronizes with this lousy system.' Soon enough, I reached her desk.
"Sorry sir, the office has been closed. Kindly come back tomorrow," she announced. The Doberman in me was about to bite her.
'What the heck of an office is this? Give me my grant or I will bomb this department!'
"Okay," I said, and decided to waste one more day of my life.
***
I was back in their office the next morning. 'Enough of half days, Joy. Better take a sick leave and close the matter .'.
I reached the receptionist's desk, after going through the good-old painful queue.
"Where's Mr. Dubey? I want to meet him."
She looked at me. 'Beware of dogs,' he face read.
"He's in the washroom. Please wait for him. He will come back in a while," she announced. Within seconds, her aggressive look mutated into a 'Sorry teacher, I forgot my homework.'
But the bomb within me had exploded. 'You throw a melon on my face, I'll throw a watermelon on yours!'
"Where's the washroom? I will wait there," I asked. My tone sea-sawed between, 'WTH and WTF'
"But, sir... How can you..?"
"Just tell me, where's the washroom?" The arrogance had gone verbal.
She picked up a tissue paper and tried covering her worried face.
"It's to the left." She pointed. I spent no time and began walking towards the toilet.
"Wait! He is not in the office. I lied to you," she confessed. Whole office to a notice of her moist eyes. Few began gossiping whether I was her boyfriend. "Does he look worthy of having a girlfriend?" A moron uttered. I tried ignoring him. Her specs were visibly wet and too hard to go unnoticed.
"What's the matter madam, why are you crying? I know why you lied. Everyone does that. I get paid to do that."
"Are you in the marketing department?" She questioned, with a sprouting smile.
"Of course. But I'm sorry for that rudeness."
"It's alright sir. Even I don't like fooling people, but I have no choice. End of the day, I have to do it for my family."
I felt bad for her as she continued,
"Even I am an orphan, sir. I understand what that orphanage means to you."
She was right. My orphanage meant a lot to me. It was more than a home, better than a palace and stronger than a fort. It was a house, built on emotions which had survived on sentiments.
"Don't worry, sir. He will reach the office at 4 PM. I promise."
Somewhere between the washroom and orphanage our bonding had grown manifold. Her promise had a sincerity of a six year old. I decided to wait for her boss.
***
I kept waiting for him till it was 4 PM. I had played 17 chess games, a traumatizing expert level Sudoku and an exciting cricket tournament. My mobile's battery was sliding more swiftly than the stock market. I had qualified for semi-finals as the grumpy officer walked in his office.
As strange as this may sound, I kept staring at his belly. It was giving a 3D effect. I wondered if it was going to bulge and attack my face, breaking my jaws. 'Look at his face, Joy. Don't be a *beep*'
"Hello Sir, I am Sujoy." I greeted. Mr. Dubey looked at me.
"Aah. I found the man who has created a havoc in our department."
I smiled. I had no idea how to react.
"Hey, why are you sitting on this broken bench? Come upstairs, to my cabin. Raju, order two cups of tea."
"Sure sir." Raju and I propounded unanimously.
We reached his cabin. I was shocked. My eyes pooped out of my specs as I saw his cabin. On one hand, there was an office, built in a way, that could even scare mosquitoes; and on the other hand, there was a gigantic, five star room, for a man who never visited his workplace.
Maple wood flooring, a deluxe air conditioner, and an executive office chair had turned his office into a lavish hotel room.
"So, Mr. Roy, what were you saying?" he asked me, while I was busy looking at his room.
"Sir, as you know, I have received a grant of 1 Lakh rupees from the state government. Unfortunately, I am yet to receive the check. It's been a month since...."
"Shashi Orphanage, right?" Dubey asked bluntly, cutting my conversation.
"Yes sir."
"You see, Mr. Roy, it's not easy for the Government to give such grants in reality. We try to encourage the youth by presenting such proposals, but the reality is quite different."
"You're right, sir." I replied and immediately regretted it. 'Why the heck am I nodding to each of his answers? Don't behave like a secretary, Joy!' I warned myself.
"Sir, what about my grant?"
"That's what I am trying to explain. Look young man," he said as he rolled his chair and continued, "I can't waste my whole day, to give you a detailed explanation. I am passing this grant, so where's my share?"
My jaw dropped down. I had anticipated it, but had no idea how to deal with it. A tug of war had begun in my mind. Bribing an officer was against Shashi uncle's principles, but saving the orphanage was equally important.
Two cups of tea arrived in front of me.
"Have a sip." He passed the hot cup and took one sip himself. I was still clueless about my stand.
'There are no principles for empty stomach. You have to bribe him.' A voice within me said.
'You can evaluate some other options, Joy. Don't fall prey to this trap.'
The bad guy in me looked much more practical. I decided to give it a shot.
"That's fine, sir. Tell me your share. I'm ready for it," I said and took a sip of tea.
"Thirty percent," he replied.
Thirty percent was a serious demand. 'Seventy thousand doesn't look bad though. I can save my two months salary if I accept it.' I attempted to bargain his bribe but he was quite stubborn.
"Thirty percent is okay. Done, sir."
"Alright, I will pass the file. Come back tomorrow and collect your twenty thousand rupees check."
'What the *beep*? You are attempting to fool an engineer in mathematics!' I wanted to blast. Unfortunately all my aggressive actions were limited to my mind.
"It's seventy thousand, right?"
"Hah!" he smiled curtly and continued, "You are forgetting something Mr. Roy. I said, 'thirty percent' is my share. I haven't talked about Mr. Chavan's share."
"Ohh! Mr. Chavan," I exclaimed, as I realized that the seventy year old crooked politician had already looted half of my grant. 'Seriously! Why are you guys after me. Have some mercy on me.'
I felt I should stuff my socks in his mouth, with shoes of course! Unfortunately, when a politician teams up with a bureaucrat, things go beyond your control. I should have shut up, but I ended up talking nonsense.
"What's the use of twenty thousand? I need at least forty," I foolishly demanded.
"So, you want to challenge me? Be in your limits, kid!"
I was fuming. Removing my specs, placing a finger of my chin, I gave him a thinking look. That's something I do, when I am seriously annoyed.
Though I felt like a boss, my neatly trimmed mustache wasn't adding up my age, as he repeatedly called me a kid.
"You are insulting me, sir." I replied, regretting the use of 'sir'. Ultimately I decided to pacify the tension.
"OK, sir, I have one more idea. I will pay you from my account in installments after you pass the ...." I stopped, as I noticed him looking at his watch.
"Listen, Mr. Roy, I don't have time for beggars like you. Don't worry about your grant. You won't get even a penny. I will take care of it."
"That does it! You have crossed the limit.. I have been listening to your bullshit for thirty minutes. You want my money? Take it, as much as you want, and enjoy your honeymoon with Mr. Chavan!" I lashed out at him as his face went blue.
"Hang on, you bloody..."
"Just shut up and go to hell!" I finally uttered and walked away from his office to my Ashram.
End of chapter
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
When someone approaches me directly with a request such as yours, I can only assume that due care and consideration has been taken. I can only assume that you are ready to write, rewrite, iterate, tweak, study, and tear snatches of hair from your skull in the process. Because nothing you write will be good enough to be published until you have gone through a seemingly endless loop of proofreading and editing and submitting and so on.
I love the ambition but without a hard dose of reality, you won't get there.
With that caveat out of the way. Let's look at the piece itself.
I thought, initially, that you had employed some narrator that has a deliberate and charming albeit unnatural word choice. I assumed his mannerisms and misplaced comparisons were a quirk of his character. However as I read, I began to realise that this may not be the case. At first, I was reminded of The White Tiger, I could envision the protagonist as an unreliable narrator lost in an outrageous plot steeped in Indian motifs and driving home a universal theme, as is the case with The White Tiger. But like I said, I soon realised that the narrator's voice was your own. You did not choose a comical narrator, who ironically chooses out of context and bizarre similes for effect and to reveal his naive character, but you yourself chose these devices, so I think that's what I will address first.
This image, although it may be accurate and in some ways reflect the reality of his battery, it does not align with the character or the tone of the story. We, as readers know that the stock market can swiftly slide, but it doesn't do anything to add to the tone of the story and it doesn't add to the narrators character. Moving forward, you need to focus on getting into the scene, think how your narrator thinks. If he is running an orphanage, what business does he have with the stock market and why is it relevant? Why does that come to mind for him when he thinks about his mobile phones battery? Don't just use Metaphors, similes and analogies because successful authors use them. Use these devices to add effect, to make the reader fall into the pages as they read. The two are not that comparable either, I mean the stock market is not tangible and it is vague.
Here's something that might work a little better:
I don't know, something like that actually adds to the setting and the character. You can do a lot with similes and metaphors but it's the mark of an amateur to use them liberally and with little consequence.
Think of it this way, the less you use them, the more powerful they become.
Next, lead the reader along like a swindler down a dark alley with a suggestion of stacks of gold bars around the next bend. That's to say, provide them with a little direction but not a map. As it stands, you have a choker-chain on the readers, yanking them along, they will see and understand exactly what you want and their imagination is hardly needed.
Here's an example:
The struck-out clause is straight, unfiltered telling. Did you think you could get away with that?
The use of an exclamation point is an adequate expression of his anger. That first sentence, leads the reader along nicely, we can imagine how he feels. Then you quickly add, as if unsure of whether or not we got the message "I wanted to blast."
Have a little confidence in your reader.
Now incorporate the senses a little more. Make sure you introduce smells, sounds, and tastes. It's very monotonous to simply describe what the characters sees and feels. Describe dogs barking and babies crying, car horns, or describe the silence.
One last thing and I will only say this once: Be mindful of your point of narration. You have a first person narrator, so take care when deciding what he describes. For instance he would not often describe how his reaction looks.
This is a description of action that is tapered to seeing and not feeling. That is to say, "popped out" is a description that conjures up an image more so than a feeling and works better as if describing someone or something else and not himself.
There are a number of issues I don't have the time or patience to really nit out here. I think I have covered the major drawbacks and stylistically, if you begin to implement these suggestions your writer will be stronger, more professional. I have edited one part for you so you can see what one quick edit can do.
original:
Edited:
I have gone to the other end of the scale here, rich sensory descriptions, long rolling sentences. I have deliberately tried to flip it on it's head so you can get an idea of where I feel you should adapt your prose.
Hope this helps
JP
That was truly exceptional review! I did have some serious problems with metaphors and I had gone way over the board in later chapters... So much, that I decided to take a break from the novel.
Creating an image in the minds of the reader was the real trouble for me and that's exactly what you have pointed. Whenever I get back to this story I will make sure not to make it superficial and craft it more aesthetically. Thanks!
Hey there, it's me again :3
Ooh even more reviews than last time! And I have so much less to comment on this time as well, so I apologise for this probably being very short.
This was definitely a good continuation, even better than the last one. I am liking your writing style a lot more here and I have absolutely no nitpicks for you at all! It just goes to show what Sujoy is like as well, how he can only stay patient and handle so much nonsense before it all gets to him.
I am going to repeat what I said before and remind you that his thoughts don't really need quotation marks, putting them in italics here as well is just good enough.
lying carelessly where? Around, on the floor or discarded on desks? I felt like this was an unfinished middle to the sentence here.
What I wonder here is how the secretary knew he was here for the orphanage. First he is rude to her and he doesn't even know her name, but as soon as he apologise she suddenly knows all about the orphanage. Maybe you should make her ask why he is there so she finds out that way? Otherwise it must be a pretty well known orphanage and a small town if people recognize the owner by name. And if that is it, then mention those facts too!
I would also like to know more about the orphanage. It seems kind of thrown in there. When did her start the orphanage? Most of all, why did he do it? I wonder if there is a particular child he is thinking of. Then as he is yelling at Mr. Dubey and demanding more money he could have thoughts of all the poor orphans, with no one else to look after them and the skinny newcomers and how they all end up with more skin on their bones and smiles on their faces once they have been in the orphanage long enough. Then you could make it quite a saddening chapter and get the reader to relate to the anger at Mr. Dubey because he isn't going to help all those poor souls out. It would also show us the reason why Sujoy feels so passionate about the orphanage and keeps it up. Although we'd still need to know the when and the initial why.
I haven't got much else to say! Keep up with this good writing
Deanie x
So you have requested, and right now I'll dissect the writing here, then in the second chapter I'll comment on flow from chapter to chapter.
Flow
- Sentence Flow: I noticed you had some issues with that. Some of what you said didn't make sense, I didn't even know why you included it to be honest. It was strange at some parts, just make sure that everything matches up and that you don't end up going on some random tangent. Everything has to make sense in the end. Also, some of your wording was awkward. The best way to fix that is to read what you have aloud and ask if it sounds okay.
- Grammar Flow: Here you just had comma issues, putting them where they didn't belong. It falls in a bit with the sentence idea, just read aloud again. If you truly don't know though feel free to ask a friend who would know.
- Story Flow: To be honest, it was quite messy. Most of the time I had no idea what was happening and there were some important details that you didn't clue me in on as the reader. I'll give you some examples.
Ex. I had no idea whether the MC was a guy or girl, he calls himself Joy but can go into the same restroom as the boss guy.
Dialogue, sometimes I didn't know who was speaking. Use tags to tell the reader or drop hints, otherwise they'll get lost.
I didn't know why he was getting the grant in the first place then you just kinda drop that little fact in there all casual like.
Okay, now lastly....
- Plot Flow: I know this sounds like story flow, but it's a little broader, at least in my eyes it is. Your plot is a little.... crooked, especially when it comes to your characters and their actions and personalities. Seeing things as they are, your MC comes off as bipolar, one thing goes on in his head and he does something completely different. I know people really do do that, but even so, they still aren't compatible.
Also, when he yells at the end, that just seems unlikely. Before he said he didn't have the courage too, then all of a sudden he does? It just doesn't fit. Meet your character before you write them, that way knowing what they would do is easier and then it's easier for the reader to meet the character and get to know them.
Showing and Telling
This is an ancient rule of writing. There are times to tell, and there are times to show. I understand that sometimes it fits writing style to tell or it's just called for in the story, you don't want to bore the reader after all, but you tend to go a bit excessive in the latter. You tell every little thing that happens. It's okay to leave some blank spaces, you don't have to tell them everything, let them imagine some of it themselves. Of course, you should include the gender of the MC early on.... that needs telling XD
Try to add a bit more showing instead of saying that someone did something. It's so boring that way DX Imagine if you were writing a murder scene, you don't wanna say they died. No, where's the fun in that? No, describe the blood gushing from their throat, the look in their eyes as the light faded, how their skin paled, how tears fell. Get into it a bit more, show us your world. Of course, this is still Earth, but how do you see it? We all have different perspectives after all.
Overall
Sorry for rambling! I remember there was a typo where you said his eyes were pooping, I think and hope you meant popping xD There are probably other typos, that just stuck out the most to me. Overall though you seem that have an interesting start. I'll try to get to the next chapter soon, but I only have so much stamina for life and staying awake XD
I really hope that this review was able to help you! If you wanna discuss it more or explain something that I reviewed wrong feel free to PM me with a list!! Trust me u.u sometimes I get reviews and someone says I did something wrong even though I did it on purpose for a reason XD Anyways, keep writing!!! Just a little editing and this will be even better!!!!
Sushi
Thanks for your review. I am rewriting the story again. Hopefully it might get better
I dunno whether to congratulate you or not XD I'm rewriting my story too, and let me say O_O It's work O_O But then again, it also improves... so I dunno what to say XD I guess just have fun and I hope that YOU like it, because really it's your opinion that matters in your writing! This was actually really good, I just wasn't feeling good this morning so I was very harsh u.u
Hey there!
I finally got around to reviewing chapter 1 after reading the prologue.
Keeping in mind how the prologue ended i would say this is a perfect beginning to the first chapter! I really liked your humor and the easy flow of the sentence structuring something i felt that should have been stressed on more in your prologue.
This humor with suspense really seems to be your genre and you really write well and I for one can say that this story kept me hooked from beginning till end but more towards the end really when your placed that conversation with the government officer.
Your really quite good in dialogue structuring and that's really a good point because i happen to know that most of us writers here tend to struggle with coming up with great dialogues that are free flowing and easily sets the pace of the story.
Then there is your introduction of the main character. Though i felt that you could have described his features a bit so the readers could have an idea. As he is a boy who has grown up in the ashram his features should show and that would be a good tell tale sign to the readers.
Also maybe you could have described the officer a bit more cause im sure he is going to play quite an interesting role in the next chapters. I really loved your work do keep on writing you got me hooked!
NITPICKS-
1) "An aroma, as delightful as an onion perfume, sprinkled on a cactus plant." This is quite a description really quite humorous!
2) 'It's amazing how nobody complains, but synchronizes with this lousy system.' I felt this brought up the pace and gradually shows the emotions that are brewing up inside him
3)"My orphanage meant a lot to me. It was more than a home, better than a palace and stronger than a fort. It was a house, built on emotions which had survived on sentiments." I loved this sentence!
4) The last conversational exchange between sujoy and the officer really gave a climax setting and left space for the readers to look forward to what happens next.
Overall i really loved the concept and the idea behind it. I think you can go far with this.
Keep me posted!
-Budding writer
Heya, Gaurav!
Exquisite balance of show and tell. You know, they always encourage you to increase the "show" and cut down on the "tell," but just because a story contains "tell" doesn't mean it's a grocery list. It's like narrative and scene. A young writer's common tendency is to increase the scene and cut down on the narrative, but in reality, stories require both. I can't commend you enough. Zoomed in and out as needed, inserted narrative when it was needed, and ... agh. Amazingness. Never stop writing, or I'll spam your wall with weeping emoticons. No pressure.
As a result, the pacing was well-measured. You're probably tired of hearing this, but wow, the humor lent to the piece. It countered the dark-ish ambience: refreshing, in a way, like a Donna to make the Doctor's solemn adventures less solemn (Doctor Who). I've definitely grown to love your style.
You also handled the basic tools well, but at this point I don't need to say it. Dialogue and an impressive lexicon are mice compared to your other writing strengths. Descriptions, vivid as always. Dialogue tags varied and cut to the minimum. And then we get to the real meat of the story: the plot and characterization.
I did prefer this over your initial draft, or your earlier draft, if it's not your initial one. You mentioned that people called this "dull." Trust me, I've seen far duller works. Your exposition's developing beautifully. Plot, characters--all of it nailed. Maybe I'd appreciate the smallest bit more on the setting, but that's all a matter of opinion (unless the setting's dry, which I don't think it is). I think that you're capable of fleshing it out, but you choose not to. What's more, I was engaged from the start; I yearned to know more about the officer's absence. And orphans--they make the most excellent characters, as they have the most unpredictable backgrounds.
So far, the novel's lacking action, but that's great--I abhor novels that kick off with gunshooting. I want to warm up to the characters. I want suspense to be built. And you're allowing just that to happen. Understand as well, a novel can be fast-paced and the most boring thing ever to be written on planet Earth. Pace is irrelevant to plot. Sometimes you need to slow things down for the reader to digest details. If the reader's on their toes all the time, they'll get confused. I repeat, not boring. On the contrary, an amazing amazing work. As I said, too ... the pace isn't necessarily slow. We've got loads of details to process, but things are easy to follow--and that, my friend, is the mark of an accomplished writer.
In the end, it boils down to personal taste. I devour a broad range of genres, but I'm picky, so I'll tell you--when I say I don't consider this boring, I consider it extremely interesting. Someone doesn't like it? That's their opinion. It doesn't mean anything's wrong with this, trust me.
The characters don't register one-dimensional to me, either. Then again, you're still in the process of developing the exposition, so I can't really tell; but they seem interesting, and I'm saying this in total honesty. It may be necessary to flesh them out later, insert some reaction as opposed to action, but that's later, and I trust you to do it.
Nitpicks ...
No need for "government" to be capitalized.
I feel as though this could be expounded on the slightest bit more. What made the afternoon turn boring? It's also brushed over with little thought, while obviously an important detail. I'd recommend extending it, breaking it off, especially to maintain your perfect record with detail emphasis.
Caught a comma splice here. Just exchange that comma for a period. Then a comma should be inserted before "sir," as the speaker is using the term to address the listener.
No need to be hyphenated.
Forgot an article before "t-shirt", and "pant" should be plural, so: "in a t-shirt and pants."
"Alright" should be exchanged for "all right." When you use "alright," it's usually in the beginning of a sentence: "Alright, let's get going." But this is incorrect: "You're going to be alright."
While I'm at it, I guess I'll mention ellipses. I saw that some were three periods and some were two. They should be three regardless; just check that you remain consistent.
The "down" is unnecessary.
"Uttered" feels like such a weak word when used to describe his rage. I tend to avoid it, as it's one of those words that never really helps, except in old literature. Maybe "raged" or "thundered" or something. Lame examples, but you get the gist.
Amazing job, once again. There were some issues with dialogue, but that was about all I caught. Keep it up! Looking forward to hearing more from you!
A big THANK YOU for encouraging me to continue the story. I was about to discard the idea of writing chapter 2. Thanks for inspiring me
You're welcome! Oh, what am I saying? Thank YOU. It means so much more to me to have inspired someone.
You're welcome! Oh, what am I saying? Thank YOU. It means so much more to me to have inspired someone.
You've already got a ton of reviews, but once I catch up with my WRFF thread, I'll be back
Hi megsug! As you can see, the story [Apart from technical nitpicks] has received good response from reviewers. However many of my YWS friends have found the story quite boring. While reviewing could you please tell me whether you found it interesting? And should I continue with next chapter or rework on this one? Thanks.
Hey Gaurav!
I won't really give this a review because there's been a lot of detailed reviews and I think everyone else has mentioned what needs to be mentioned. So I'll just say that I'm enjoying reading this story so far. Your narrative voice is pleasant to read and very entertaining! Keep it up and happy writing!
Silverlock
Hi there!
People before me have given great reviews. I will try to do justice!
I'll review as I read.
The office had a charming aroma. An aroma, as delightful as an onion perfume, sprinkled on a cactus plant.
Haha. Good humor.
I notice that you put thoughts in single quotes. This is a suggestion and you really don't need to take it. As you are already writing it in first person you have have those thoughts without the quotes italicized or not. I personally find it better. Again, this is a suggestion and you can ignore it if you want to stay with your style.
'Enough of bullshit'
enough of the bullshit.
I was about to reach the toilet. Their toilet was more disgusting than their demeanour.
What do you mean by 'about to reach the toilet'?
Maybe phrase it to-
On reaching the toilet I found out it was more disgusting than their demeanor.
And demeanour is demeanor.
Are we talking about the toilet here? There was a power cut? These sentences kinda lost me.
I think this sounds much better for that last sentence
Something clicked inside as I neared the receptionist
or maybe
A thought/realization hit me as I neared the receptionist.
"
EvenI am an orphan too, sir. I understand what that orphanage means to you."It was giving a 3D effect
replace with
It gave off a 3D effect.
Come upstairs, in my cabin.
replace with
Come upstairs to my cabin.
"Sure sir." Raju and I propounded unanimously
i don't think propounded is the right word to use here. I feels out of context. Try replacing it with pronounced.
We reached his cabin. I was shocked. My eyes [b]pooped[b] out of my specs as I saw his cabin.
I feel you can replace all theses sentences with one strong one.
On reaching his cabin my eyes popped out of my specs in shock as I saw the room.
pooped means exhausted.
popped is the word you are looking for.
As his conversation was cut in by the officer replace the '...' with '-'.
Ellipses is usually used for trailing thoughts or omissions.
Ahh.. how can things get done with bribe? Sad truth about our country and its bureaucrats :/
That's something I do, when I am seriously annoyed.
Omit the comma.
Overall,
This was an amazing read. You have great narration skills and it shows in the flow of your writing. There is great humor which entertains the readers and yet gets the sarcasm across without being heavily laid. Great job on that.
Joy's character is easy to relate to and you have done a amazing job on bringing out his character. There is much show and less tell. That is great writing.
I think you have a strong story going on here though I'm yet to know what the story line is going to about. Is it going to be Joy and the politicians clashing against each other so that he can save the orphanage? Whatever it is, I look forward to reading more!
The only problem you have is with commas. That can be rectified with practice!
Maybe you can take a look here-
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm
Post on my wall when the next chapter is up, please?
-manisha!
Thanks a lot for that awesome link. The grammar errors which you mentioned will soon be rectified.
I will definitely alert you when I post the next chapter.
YO! I'm BACK!
. I added the "the".I'll start off with the sentences. Though other users have pointed out some improvements that can be done to the sentences, I am going to give you a few more suggestions on some of them.
I think you should add in the bolded part.
I think you should choose either one of the bolded words, and omit "had turned".
The following sentence seemed misplaced. It needed a little something to tie it in with the preceding sentence... How about something like:
The tendency to input the word "had" before a verb is still there. Nuke it before it spreads any further!
Aside from those things, this story is freaking awesome! The humor in it really came through. The answering of the WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, WHY, HOW made it much more improved and slowed the pace. You stayed true to the character; I understood what was going on. I'm waiting to read more of this man! It's freaking great!
BUENO TRABAJO (I don't speak spanish, nor do I use google translate. Sorry if that is not right) !
'I felt like a boss' thing looks awesome! I will soon edit it. I am really glad you are following my story, the next chapter is on it's way.
YAY! And you're welcome!
Hi! Lucrezia here for a review, as requested.
Wow. This was really good. You have a very interesting piece here, I must say.
Firstly, I love the subtle humorous undertones. It was funny in all the right places without coming off like a strictly humorous piece. If that makes sense.
Your characters are nicely developed already, and the exchange between them felt very realistic. All of the narrator's emotions were palpable to the reader and truly came alive.
Your descriptions/imagery was strong without being overwhelming or too much. And your pacing was great, as well.
The ratio of details to dialogue felt just right. What I'm most impressed with, though, is the flawlessness of your narrative voice. Finding your voice in writing is one of the most challenging things to accomplish for any writer, and yours is incredibly strong—darkly humorous, dramatic at parts, with undertones of sarcasm... really quite lovely to read.
This piece actually read a lot like a published work. There were, however, a few things I noted that are worth fixing. Which brings me to my nitpicks:
You can delete the comma after "her."
There are a good deal of unnecessary commas in this piece. On the scale of writing errors, comma splices are rather low—they're not really a big deal, and having unnecessary commas is a very common problem.
Just keep in mind when you write that a comma adds a pause to a piece, and can break up the flow because of this. Only put a comma when a pause is warranted.
Should be "complains."
You can remove the "at."
Unnecessary comma following "office."
You forgot the quotation marks at the end of this, following "while."
Unnecessary comma following "dared to do"; you can delete it.
No need for the comma following "even"... and, also, you can probably just delete "even," as well. It really isn't necessary.
I think you meant, "better than a palace"?
Unnecessary comma following "man."
There should be a question mark at the end of that.
Hmm. I'd write this part a bit differently to make the story flow better. Example:
"On one side, there was an office, built in a way that could scare mosquitoes; on the other side, there was a gigantic, five-star room, for a man who never visited his workplace."
Something like that.
Comma after "right."
Delete the comma following "day."
Comma after "want."
Okay! Nitpicks out of the way, I have to say I really liked this. You have some strong characters, a nice choice of wording, and a good sense of realism that I admire. Not to mention that exceptional narrative voice. <3 Plus, your story seems very interesting so far.
Well done and keep up the great work!
As expected, your review is superb. I have corrected all the mentioned errors. I will post the next chapter soon
Here as requested. *bumps rating to 18+*
A few quick nitpicks:
Add in the bolded word. Also change the comma after "home" to a semicolon.
Be more clear on who "they" are. Right now, I can't tell who you're saying is more disgusting than the toilet is.
"I was speechless" works better.
Me should be be*
Comma is unnecessary.
Should end with a question mark.
Add bolded word.
Okay, so this is your best revision so far. Much more better. A lot of things were improved.
First off, the reader can actually understand what's going on here. I do think that you should have mentioned the orphanage earlier, just to be safe, but it's also fine where it's at. You lay out what's going on, by showing us this man and how he's waiting for the longest time to talk to an officer. Then he finally grows impatient and goes to confront the secretary, but actually sees her side of the story and is able to sympathize with her.
Then he finally meets with this Mr. Dubey and we see the big dilemma, that Joy was granted money by the government and this officer is trying to con him. I can already see where this is headed, with Joy's desperate plea for money and the title of this novel -- he's going to steal the money.
This is off to a good start. I like how this is written, with a slow and smooth pace. You're slowing showing us the problem and the main point of this story, and we are introduced to the villain, Mr. Dubey, and are hinted towards what Joy will do next. We are also curious to see why he loves this orphanage so and what the kids are like.
Overall, this is better. Much better. I look forward to seeing chapter two~
Thanks a lot for your awesome review! I have corrected the grammatical mistakes. I will post the next chapter soon.
You have premeditated a lot of things, but there are number of twists to follow
I love your integrity! I love that you went back and edited it. Its greatly improved! I will review later too! Good job though!
Will be back to review...
Sure, I am waiting
[Please note that the story has a prologue which I have already written, but you can straightaway critique this as the prologue isn't directly connected to the start.]