Young Writers Society

Hey there! Storybraniac here to review. This is a really great poem and I believe that it's okay if the lines are not long. I totally disagree with Laure. My favourite part was

There's no love
In my heart
Now our deaths
Do us apart.

This part actually explains almost the whole poem. I looove this part. There's only one nitpick (it's not necessary though).

I sing this song ,

No space after song.

Otherwise this is a really good poem, I love rhythmic poems. So a like from me. Good job. Keep writing.

-Storybraniac

Hello, Laure here for a review. So, I'm going to say right here I'm going to be very blunt and harsh in my review. Prepare yourself.

The first thing I noticed about this poem was that all your sentences didn't go over five words. Is not a bad thing to use short sentences, however because you're poem is long and all of them is short. It readers very choppily, as if someone is reading out something at a steady interval with a limited time frame or like a robot repeating something over and over again. Sorry to be blunt, but you should try and vary your sentence length to avoid this happening.

Blue skies

but rainy days

I fell for you

in so many ways.

I don't really see how blue skies and rainy days are connected, nor can I see how they are connected with the last two lines. Well, at least in the last two lines I knew you fell in love with him. Try and avoid cliches too, but what exactly are you trying to achieve with the sky and rain? The mood or atmosphere? If so, you need to expand it a little or establish a connection between the two.

It wasn’t long

not enough

our time together

stoped abrupt.

Once again, that logic gap and choppiness. It wasn't long, not enough? Doesn't quite make sense. I know you're trying to say 'our time together wasn't long enough', but in the format you have wrote it up there is doesn't read or make any sense grammatically. Also, stoped is spelt with a double p.

Just two years,

they would say,

but you’re gone,

and there you’ll stay.

Who's they? Gone where? Stay where? I don't know what you're trying to achieve here once again, there is no imagery, no emotions just a bunch of words strung up together. It poses too much questions and logical gaps if you're trying for a sense of mystery or even melancholy.

There’s no love

in my heart

now OUR deaths

do us part.

Do us apart sounds very nonchalant, I'm sorry but it does. 'Has parted us' would probably would've been a better way to end it. Is once again a case of show don't tell, you have basically told the readers how you felt instead of showing us. Which is why this poem fell completely flat to me. You've told me that you fell for him, told me that he's gone, and told me that you miss him. So instead of telling me all of this, you could show us. Be adventurous how you write, don't be afraid to strike out with your words and unleash your emotions upon the page. That's what poetry is about, to explore with language and emotions and to convey them to your readers.

Here is a link you may find helpful: http://writetodone.com/john-lecarre-show-not-tell/

So, there are a few things you need to work on. One of them is the show don't tell but I think you have potential to make this a good poem because it is sweet in its own way.

I sing this song ,

one last good bye,

for my love,

For example, I really liked those three lines. I can imagine her sadness here, just that last song filled with chords of sadness for her love that will never return.

I know I've been harsh and I apologize for that but I hope I have been helpful.

Yours.

-Laure