Young Writers Society

People did think the it was aliens but I honestly dont think that it was the martians, it was just aliens. I think people were stupid and just wanted an excuse to blame someone just so that they can get the shit off of their chests.


My favorite part is:

"50 years ago a man was shot

and Kenny was his name.

Now there are many arguments

on from where the bullet came.

Some say 'twas from a grassy knoll,

some say a high window.

While others blame the driver

with a gun in his elbow.

-

But the Martians killed President Kennedy,

the proof is in front of our eyes;

The shot didn't come from anywhere near so it must have come out of the skies.

Yes the Martians killed President Kennedy,

'cause he wanted to fly to the moon,

and if the rocket overshot it just wouldn't stop and would land upon Mars pretty soon.

-

Doctor Who was started

the following Saturday.

Very few were watching

because the president passed away.

The Martians have got what

they wanted it would seem,

for they were bribed by ITV

sabotaging fiends."

I liked the majority of it the whole thing was good, but I didnt like the last paragraph as much as the rest. The last one did not really make sense, sorry but I look at the obvious facts.

What?!?! Martians???? That wasn't in my textbook!!!!!!!!!!! How do you know this?????? Is it penguin psychic powers??????? Why don't I have those powers????? I'm a Raven!!!!!! We're practically related!!!!! So unfair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want powers too!!!!!!! Wait! What if........YEAH!!!! YOU'RE A MARTIAN PENGUIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HEY, EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TAKETHATYOUFIEND'S A MARTIAN!!!!!!!!!!!! HEEYYYYY.........Snore......Snore.......*martian knock-out rag falls from the Raven's beak*

Sorry for the lateness, but I'm here to review now!

Now there are lots of arguments

on from where the bullet came.

Consider replacing "lots" with "many." It doesn't change the number of syllables, and this might just be a personal preference, but I feel it actually slips off the tongue better.

Some say 'twas from a grassy knoll,

some say a high window.

While others blame the driver

with a gun in his elbow.

Okay, so this didn't flow as well as the rest of the poem for me. I could totally imagine it as a song, but this part ... it's kind of awkward, and the rhyming also seems forced. Maybe re-work these lines a bit? Tweak the words from here to there? Also, just saying "with a gun in his elbow" is kind of choppy. You could edit it so it reads like this, for example:

Some say 'twas from a grassy knoll,

some say a window high,

While others blame the driver

who'd hidden rifles in the sky.

Or something like that. This is just a suggestion I'm making here, because ultimately it depends on what rhythm you have for this. As the writer, you know best!

I really like how you've satirized the conspiracy, because really, the craziest of theories have cropped up around this assassination, and the way you wrote this in such a matter-of-fact way was very, very funny. XD

the proof is in front of our eyes;

the shot didn't come from anywhere near so it must of have come out of the skies.

Replace "of" with "have." Also, a semicolon is technically more proper than a comma there.

Hey Fiend, here s requested! So, I don't really know how you expect me to critic this, because this may be the funniest conspiracy and most convincing theory on the death of our, good old Kenny. It is indeed quite the lyrical poem, from the start to finish it has this jumpy, almost nursery pace. And what do you know, maybe in fifty years time. You might be singing this to your kids,alright anyways. You seem to have a way with humor, and I'm going tell you right here and now humorous poems are the hardest to write. But I'd say you've master it here, along with satire. Especially in that last stanza,is almost if you were hinting in an undertone that the government is trying to cover up the real reason for the death. I just love the way you've written this, and the language you used. Is very whimsical while realistic,and as Gaurav has said. I think even someone whom has no idea who Kennedy was would be able to Relate to it. Not to mention you managed to rhyme the whole poem with all those wonderful rhymes, the pace was steady, the rhyming pattern was stray and it flowed naturally with the poem. I can't criticize this, Fiend. I just can't.....>.<

Sorry! But is the Martians's fault!

-S.s

why is it my first reaction when I see the tittle is yay?

This is absolutely brilliant! Realistic, humorous but heartbreaking at the same time! I am not tagging this as review, because I won't be able to give any suggestions. This is outstanding.

I have to admit the title was so catchy that I was instantly attracted to it.

The most stunning thing about this poem is, it connects with everyone even though it's about US president. I have no connection with America, but I was moved by your poem.

But the Martians killed President Kennedy,

the facts are plain as day,

the bullet that killed him ain't a bullet at all but an alien cosmic death ray.

Yes the Martians killed President Kennedy,

but please be careful what you say,

for they're in our government, and our police; That's why they took me away.

This should totally be tagged as Humor, Realistic!!

Historically inaccurate.

I am so enlightened xD Ha-ha, interesting, humorous take on such a tragic event Dx the irony.
And..and...HIGH FIVE WITH DOCTOR WHO BEING PUT IN THAT POEM!

I salute you, my friend, for braving government forces to bring this to the public.
Now everyone knows the truth

And I am dying of laughter.

Hm. Totally makes sense.

Remind me to review this. XD

RoyalHighness has arrived to review!
I bow down to you, Fiend. I find it so difficult to write humor into poetry, so you've won my respect. *bows*
Now, for the review you requested. You said you needed some help with rhythm, and I think I can help you! But first, you need to know you're better off than you think!
Your first problem is the length of the lines. There are about four that are too long, and you could break them up if you wanted to. The second problem is your rhyme scheme. ABAB is really difficult to do, especially with something so specific, with which not much rhymes. So I'd suggest either abandoning a set rhyme scheme altogether and going rogue or re-wording the lines so they rhyme without using up a whole dictionary.
So let's see here...
Your technicals are pretty good. Way to be relatively consistent with the punctuation, except you need a comma after "watching."
For the first really long line (starts with "the shot,") I'd have split the line after "anywhere near," and started a new line with, "so it must come."
For the second really long line (starts with "and if the rocket,"), I'd actually split it into three! Once after "overshot," and once after "stop," and have "and would land," be its own little line. Then you've created a new rhyme, and you still keep your "soon"-"moon" rhyme!
HOW DID YOU RHYME ITV WITH FIENDS!? You're a wizard.
For the third really long line (starts with "the bullet," in the last stanza), I'd split the line after "at all."
For the fourth really long line (the last one), I'd have the second independent clause after the semicolon be its own line.
Overall, this was really funny and really well-written. I wouldn't worry too much about the rhythm, but I'd definitely split those lines I suggested.
I really, really liked this, so I'm going to give you eight stars of ten! Great job!

Request another review anytime you need one, dear!

Hello, Crim here, attempting to review your poem,

Oh jeez I absolutely adore this poem. You really have a talent; the flow, the rhymes, the topic... *squeals* Sorry, I can't even give this a decent review because I can't see a fault in it - after a long, testing day it has left me smiling from ear to ear. Thank you!

This has got to be my favourite line:
'and if the rocket overshot it just wouldn't stop and would land upon Mars pretty soon.'

(I have to say that I actually disagree with Moocowpoop - I think that those two lines do flow, they follow the meter you have going. Perhaps I am wrong but the way that I'm read it, it flows perfectly)

I definitely need to read more of your stuff, so apologies if you get spammed quite soon.

Please spell Dr. as Doctor. His name is Doctor, so you spell it out. You only abbreviate if it's a title. It hurts me to see it abbreviated. And, it hurts him...

I love this. It's cute. And it flows quite well. I don't think there's anything here that needs nitpicking, so I'll just compliment you.
"...the bullet that killed him ain't a bullet at all but an alien cosmic death ray."
That was probably one of my most favorite lines out of the whole thing.
Great work!

This is hilarious. Once again you've got me giggling. I really like your humor writing-- especially these conspiracies you write about.

Is the 'Kenny' a typo in line two or is just a play on the name?

In this line:

"Some say 'twas from a grassy knoll,

some say a high window"

The flow is a little screwy here. It's because there is no "twas" in the second line. But I say this is going against the usual rules, so I think it's alright.

There's not much else I can say besides that it's an awesome poem/song/ thingy! Cool!