Published April 9, 2014
We sat across from each other in silence as we ate our breakfast at the rectangular dining room table made of reclaimed wood. He pushed his cold scrambled eggs around with his fork, staring intently at the plate in front of him. My grapefruit looked particularly unappetizing that morning and it wasn’t just because I’d started to crave French toast or bacon for breakfast instead of what my diet allotted me. I still tried to eat, though my stomach turned uneasily and my hands shook every time the spoon came towards my mouth.
He looked up at me for a moment as if he was about to say something, but the timer went off abruptly, interrupting him before he began. I jumped at the sudden sound of the blaring alarm and immediately felt the blood rush to my face in embarrassment. Neither of us moved right away and the obnoxious beeping continued as he shifted in his seat a bit and I held my hands at the base of my neck, playing with the small gold crucifix my mother gave me before I left for Boston. It was her way of saying ‘go on and start a life on your own in a city far away, but don’t forget where you came from’. I wondered if he had something like that from his family. I wondered if he’d gone back on old promises, too.
He finally stood up and turned off the alarm. The silence was just as deafening. “We should probably check,” he said before turning to face me again. I nodded but didn’t get up so he waited for me, glancing at the bathroom over and over. I felt my throat grow tighter and my cheeks burn warmer. I didn’t want him to see me cry.
I pushed the chair back in an uneven manner and stood up, still only wearing a navy tank top and coral panties. He walked to me and wrapped his tattooed arm around my waist as if it would give me strength to walk across the minuscule kitchen and into the hall bathroom.
I was remembering last night when we argued about what we would do if it turned out positive. He wanted to keep the baby, no matter what, but I wasn’t as sure about it as he was. I sat in silence as he lectured me on the importance of life and the morality of it all and as much as I wanted to fight back, I was afraid I would cry if I tried. That night, he came to bed late and curled up beside me. He was so close to me that his uneven breaths made me tremble with him and I felt his tears roll onto my bare shoulder. I didn’t know how to help so I tried to play it off as if I was still asleep and listened to his stifled sobs until he was sleeping.
Just before looking at the test, he looked straight into my eyes and he kissed me. I looked back at him with tears flowing freely down my cheeks and said, “I’m afraid, too.”
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hello, there! I really like this story, lots of great details, good pacing, nice tension. I disagree with some of the other comments. This little moment in time is a snapshot, so it doesn't really need unnecessary details like names, ages, etc. If they were concerned about ages, you would have put it in. Right now, they're not saying, "We're too young;" they're just worried about the future, like anyone, any age, would be.
Now, since you told me to, here is my best attempt at ripping the story apart (though it really doesn't need all that much...are you fishing for compliments?)
The very first sentence has too many details. You are overloading your reader. You need to start a little simple to catch everyone's attention, then feed them the details. Even just something like, "We sat across from each other." Having the "rectangular dining room table of reclaimed wood" is just not helping the actual plot at all unless all your character can do is stare at it and wonder why the heck they chose that table. Was it their first decision as a couple? Did she let him get it? Was it an indication of how he was also going to win in this much bigger decision?
I'm a punctuation Nazi, so my worst critique is going to be about commas and the like. First of all, if you have two complete sentences, you need a comma/conjunction, not just a conjunction. For example - "My grapefruit looked particularly unappetizing..." and "it wasn't just because..." are both complete sentences put together, so it needs to be "My grapefruit looked particularly unappetizing that morning, and it was just because...etc." There are a couple other ones. "He was so close to me....made me tremble with him, and I felt..." "I didn't know how to help, so I tried to play it off..." Sentence starting with "Neither of us moved, and..." is a run-on, so consider breaking it up.
Sentence "Just before looking at the test, he looked straight into my eyes and he kissed me." Take out second "he," and it will flow better.
'go on and start a life on your own in a city far away, but don’t forget where you came from’. - period needs to go inside the single quotation. I know there are people out there who say it isn't so, but really, as the reader, that type of punctuation is just distracting.
Also, my favorite sentence - "I wondered if he'd gone back on old promises, too." Simply perfect.
Okay, after my super long, rambling review, I hope you got even a little something. Of course, if you don't like what I have to say, just keep it as is. Isn't that the best thing about being the author:) Good luck:)
I like this. I like that this isn't one of those stories where the woman just retreats inside, letting the man think he's in control while secreting her emotions away in internal monologue. I liked the tiny bathroom, the tattooed arm, the navy tank top and coral undies. Very real. I like that they don't know too much about each other yet.
I'm with Iggy on the first paragraph -- don't know why I don't love it but I don't. Maybe it's just a little too boring? Needs really good language to make grapefruit and cold eggs come off well.
As with most of the stories in the Shorts section, the title had m expecting a short comedy. But instead, this was a somewhat depressing but hopefull story about one of the many problems facing America today. It was written almost naturally well, like thoughts were projected directly onto the computer. It was short, but full of detail. You were able to pack a backstory, problem, and somewhat of a conclussion all into five short paragraphs. Good job on this one.
Hey! I liked how you could so beautifully transform something so simple into a heart panging narrative that was packed with emotion! I love the development from the french toast to the fear! I got a fleeting thoughts impression-going from french toast to in depth fear and sadness! Haha! Magnificent! Keep writing this stuff, it is really sophisticated and could easily be classified as great literature if you just added some touch ups andd built on it a little bit.
Nice job!
Hey, great job! I have a few nitpicks. Age? Names? Marriage? Those were a bit confusing. I liked how you really didn't reveal the intent of the story until the last couple paragraphs. I would have liked more dialogue, but the thoughts somewhat made up for that. The title was pretty cool, since it didn't give anything away. Good job!
D'aww
My only nitpick: I think you should have made the age of the couple more clear. I mean, a baby can be scary period, especially if it was an accident, but knowing the age might make it a bit easier to understand. The couple being a teenage couple is easier to sympathize for than, say, a couple in their 30s. That's just my perspective.
Moving on, I like how short, yet well written this was. The first paragraph was a bit odd, with awkward syntax. I can't explain why but it just felt... off. Maybe it's just me. Anyways, I really liked how the title didn't give this away, nor did majority of the story, until we get to the second last paragraph. Before that, I never would've guessed the alarm signified an alarm going off, letting them know that the test was ready to be seen.
I like how you showed us a lot of the main character's emotions, the fear and worry and nervousness she felt. I also liked the little bit about her craving french toast because that makes me think -- hey, cravings. Maybe she is pregnant?
Overall, the ending was nice, with them going into the bathroom, using each other for support. I also liked them both admitting that they were afraid. This was overall a nicely written story and I enjoyed it very much. Thank you for sharing. ^^