z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Shadows

by Snowery


A/N I know that this needs a lot of work. It was one of the hardest things for me to write so far so expect it to have heaps of mistakes. I've been obsessed with vampires since I was nine but twilight killed that in me, here's a short based on one of those ideas though. Enjoy :)

The snowflakes fell slowly, lingering in the air like time meant nothing to them. As if they refused to acknowledge that they were destined to someday meet the ground. Instead, they chose to dance to the song of winter and the music of the wind for all to watch on with envy.

Amidst these falling flakes stood a young man dressed entirely in black and wearing a heavy overcoat that reached sightly past his knees. He was like a shadow; almost invisible in the darkness, footsteps leaving no print or sound. His movements were graceful and lithe, almost entrancing or hypnotic. He seemed to almost glide rather than walk as he slowly made his way to the front gates of the monstrous mansion before him. He didn't rush. There was no need to rush, for he had all the time in the world. Just like the snowflakes.

He had heard whispers amongst the locals that the mansion was haunted, that ghosts of a rich aristocratic family roamed it's rooms and that those who dared enter were driven into insanity. Looking at it now it wasn't hard to see why, with its large gargoyles and Gothic architecture. The face of the mansion loomed before him, daring him to come closer. Come closer he did because for all those rumours the patronising palace was once his home.

It was a night on which the stars refused to shine, leaving the darkness to permeate every hole and crevice. The only source of light came from the moon, a luminescent orb suspended amongst the clouds, and even then only pale wisps of it's glow penetrated the dense woods. The darkness did not hinder the young man for he did not need light to see, and he leapt over the front gates with enviable ease. Strolling through the front courtyard he noted how sad and derelict the entire place had become. The stone statues and benches had webs of weeds sprawled over them and the fountains stood sadly, redundant now that no water flowed through their veins. Everything had changed, everything had broken, and everything had aged.

Except me, he thought with a ghost of a smile. He made his way to the mansion's front door. As much as he wanted to enter, he hesitated. It was said that the mansion was haunted but in truth it had haunted him. The memories could never be erased by one hundred years. Or two hundred. Or even five. A scar that would never heal. He had raised his hand to push the door open when when he cocked his head to one side. He could hear something, a scuffling coming towards the door. He cleared his mind and focused his hearing. Within milliseconds he heard it. Heartbeats. There were three of them- all young, possibly two males and a female. They were coming closer. He moved away from the door and stood amongst the shadows. He could hear voices now. They seemed to be arguing.

Please Hans, let's just go!” begged the female.

No way! I want to see some ghosts! You said that there are ghosts here,” replied a male voice, presumably Hans.

There are! And they're angry too! Please, this place is scaring me. Let's just leave.” the female replied.

C'mon Hans. Lauren is right, we should go. It's really late now and I have a test tomorrow.” This was a new voice. Another male.

The front door was pushed open and three teenagers came out from the mansion and walked right past the man standing in the shadows. A tall, brown haired boy who was leading in front turned around and addressed his friends.

Look if you chickens want to go home, then go home. I don't need you lot.”

Hans, we can't just leave you here alone!” protested the girl, Lauren, whose hair seemed almost as black as the night itself.

C'mon, let's just leave him. He'll follow soon enough.” The second male spoke up, he was a round and plump sort who was bordering on being overweight.

They were all completely unaware of the man semi-hidden by the shadows. Silently he stepped out into the moonlight and in full view causing all three of the teenagers to jump.

Who-who are you?” demanded the one called Hans, who was squinting as if trying to see the man better.

You're trespassing,” was the man's reply. Hans' eyes widened but still held a defiant look.

Oh yeah? Well you're trespassing too!” he retorted.

The man took a step forward and all three took a step back. “That would be terrible wouldn't it?” he mused softly as he took another step forward, “But as far as I'm concerned, it's not trespassing if it's your home.”

Y-you mean this h-haunted castle is your home?” squealed the chubby one.

The man gave them a menacing smile. Hans was beginning to look uncertain and both Lauren and the chubby boy were looking terrified.

I think you children should leave now,” he suggested.

All three began to back away. Hans seemed like he wanted to protest, argue or fight to stay, but he continued to back away as if in a trance or spell.

The man looked at Lauren, “Except you. You stay, the rest of you run home.”

The two boys immediately turned and fled the scene leaving Lauren standing alone.

Lauren tried with all her might to run but her body betrayed her and wouldn't listen. She just stood there, trembling with fear as the man from the shadows approached her. It was hard to see him, he seemed to dwell in the shadows even when there were none. His face was vague to her except the hazy outline of a strong jaw and the glimmer of blond hair. He moved closer and closer until he was face to face with her.

You can hear them?” he asked. His voice was like velvet or like a smooth coffee.

Hear who?” she replied, voice shaking. If only her body would listen to her!

The ghosts,” he replied. He seemed to search her face and she felt like he could read everything about her.

Yes.” she whispered, “and see them too.”

What do you see?” he asked.

They're angry, I think that it's b-because you're here,”

He threw his head back and barked out a laugh. “They're just jealous that I'm still alive while they rot in their graves.”

The wind howled and windows rattled. Lauren frantically looked around. “P-please, you're making it worse.”

How? Who cares anyway? The dead cannot touch the living.”

The woman stood silently, Lauren hadn't noticed that she had appeared. Blood tears streaked her face and her expression was one of sadness.

I don't think that they're jealous,” she began, “I think... that they're upset that you left them, and that you left this place to rot and whither.”

The man stilled. He looked at the location that Lauren had her eyes trained on.

Who is it?” he asked.

Your mother,” said Lauren, trying trying to determine his expression. “She says that she's missed you for over... 500 hundred years.” She breathed in heavily. Five hundred years? How could that even be possible?

What are you?” she whispered. The man peeled his eyes from the spot from which the woman had now gone, and looked at her.

They call my kind many things but you may know me best as a v-”

Vampire...” she breathed. No, this wasn't happening. Panic flooded through every fibre in her body.

Don't worry, I won't feed on you. I'm not hungry tonight.”

Lauren suddenly noticed the first rays of sunrise peeking through the trees.

How-how can it-”

For us vampires time passes in the blink of an eye, which is why it matters so little to us. It is said that spending time with one brings a similar effect on humans. The sunlight was spreading its arms and embracing the forest. Lauren suddenly realised that the vampire's face had become much clearer to her. It was as if the light framed him or even trapped him. Just like a shadow. His face was a handsome one but there was an unnaturalness to it that she couldn't place her finger on.

The sunlight, it doesn't kill you?” she asked timidly.

No,” he replied, “however it dampens our powers and exposes us, as you can see.”

You've left your family and your friends, w-what then do you live for?”

The man turned to her. For a second, behind his stoic expression, she could have sworn a flicker of sadness passed across his face.

I live for myself and to say that I am living. The dead can curse me from their graves but it matters not for I still stand on this Earth which they lie under.” he replied. He turned from her and began to gracefully walk away.

But they have peace!” she called out.

Not haltering his stride he replied, “But I have eternity.”


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Mon Apr 28, 2014 5:27 pm
asadderandawiserman wrote a review...



It's a shame to let twilight spoil vampires for you, they can be a pretty interesting topic.

I really enjoyed this, mainly because of the snowy setting which I felt was a great environment to introduce a vampire into, with all them parallels between vampires and ice. I think generally a problem in my reviews is that I focus too much on the problems and I'm not very good at explaining why I liked the bits I did like, but suffice to say: most of it was really good.

In terms of things I would have tried to improve, I think that although your description is really good, occasionally you over-describe things, and in some cases less description is more powerful. I point this out mainly because I know I have a tendency to do the exact same thing, so I'm very aware of it. For example, in the first paragraph, although 'the song of winter' and 'the music of the wind' are both lovely phrases, I feel like you only really need one of them (I would keep the first since it feels more original), since with both the sentence is a bit long. Other examples:

"A tall, brown haired boy who was leading in front turned around and addressed his friends." Here, you don't need to write 'leading' and 'in front.' Either on their own would do.

"Hans seemed like he wanted to protest, argue or fight to stay, but he continued to back away as if in a trance or spell." I think that "Hans seemed like he wanted to protest, but he continued to back away as if in a trance." is easier to read, and no less effective.

One thing I've read, which I think is good advice, is that if you cannot think of any way a piece of description is important to the plot or a character, it probably shouldn't be there. This can be interpreted quite loosely, for example I think that all the description of the setting in the first couple of paragraphs is justified because it puts the reader in the right mindset to understand the vampire's character. However, I can't think of any reason why it's helpful to know that Lauren's hair seemed almost as black as the night itself. I think it would be better to make use of the space by telling us something which tells us something about her. For example, if you'd told us that her clothes were immaculately clean or that her hair was perfectly neat, we would know that she took pride in her appearance and she would feel out of her element in the run-down mansion.

Looking forward to reading more of your stories!




Silverlock says...


Thank you :)



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Sat Apr 12, 2014 9:05 pm
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SilverFlame wrote a review...



Hey, Silver! Sorry for the wait. :D

Spoiler! :
but twilight killed that in me,


Yes! Thank you, thank you! Someone that identifies! (Sorry, Iggy. Stephenie Meyer recycled too many descriptions and adverbs.)

The snow-man (snowman!) metaphor was gorgeous. Subtle foreshadowing of vampires' immortality. And the description ... argh, can I steal it?! Everything flowed so smoothly, my eyes skated across the screen. I didn't look up until the end.

he thought with a ghost of a smile.


Wow. Great timing. Right before the mention of the ghosts. There's so much foreshadowing, I can't—just delicious. :D

I know this is a weird compliment, but I love the stuttering. It felt natural, as did the dialogue. Each character possessed a distinct voice. You made them so alive, I could almost hear them breathing.

So this piece was narrated in "cinematic storytelling." Like a shadow, the reader darted between perspectives, while never receiving the chance to fully absorb one. The vampire's identity was concealed until the climax, in a well-executed twist. I hereby name thee, Queen of Plot Twists. I just feel as though there'd be the slightest bit more soul with third person limited. The vampire's contempt at the boys' fear. His conflicting emotions when he exchanges conversation with Lauren. Reaction versus action.

The narrator spoke well. I know that he/she doesn't play a role, but his voice was particularly strong. The way he inserted fragments—gold, especially when our vampire was experiencing a—I won't say "strong." Notable, I guess, because vampires are generally emotionless—notable emotion.

Nitpicks ...

The second paragraph contained too many "he"s for my comfort, or active voice. It eroded the enigmatic atmosphere the slightest bit.

Come closer he did because for all those rumours the patronising palace was once his home.


I know that in the grammar books you're not suppose to insert commas after "because" because "because" doesn't qualify as a conjunction because the founders of the English language weren't thinking, but this felt like a run-on. Maybe an ellipsis or something ... or maybe I'm just being overly picky.

it's rooms


Unfortunately, the founders made another slip-up, so "it's" doesn't indicate possession. It's actually the contraction of "it is." So just remove the apostrophe, and the error's mended.

The darkness did not hinder the young man for he did not need light to see,


Forgot a comma here, as "for" is a conjunction, and "the darkness ... man" and "he ... see" are independent clauses.

“Please Hans,


Comma before "Hans", as the character's addressing him. This mistake also popped up in several other places. Not too noticeable, though.

Let's just leave.” the female replied.


Accidently used a period here instead of a comma.

Silently he stepped out into the moonlight and in full view causing all three of the teenagers to jump.


Subject-verb agreement: "causing" should be "caused."

500 hundred


Five-hundred.

v-”


Double the hyphen, and you'll get — .

“I don't think that they're jealous,” she began, “I think...


Since the second piece of dialogue isn't a continuation of the previous, the second comma should be replaced with a period.

I also caught some comma splices throughout, but those can be mended with a quick sweep over the piece.

Keep it up! Looking forward to hearing more from you! :D




Silverlock says...


Hey Silver!

Thank you so much for reviewing my work! :) It's nice to see that you're finally doing some reviews :) (though you have a long way to go before catching up to Goldie :) ) I'll definitely fix what you pointed out.

I don't even know what "cinematic storytelling" is :( I though that this was in third person. What kind of writer am I!!!!

Thanks again Flamo! :D



SilverFlame says...


No problemo, Locko! :D

Oh, cinematic storytelling is third person. It's kind of like zooming out a little on the situation and darting among characters, never really assuming each's perspective. I kind of just learned about it--thank you, Orson Scott Card :D



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Thu Apr 10, 2014 4:53 pm
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deleted30 says...



Oh my gosh, I love this so much. <33




Silverlock says...


Thanks :)



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Tue Apr 08, 2014 2:15 pm
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ConfusedGlasses wrote a review...



That was a very interesting piece to read. One thing caught my eye though. If Lauren can see ghosts, it means she's something special too. I think it would turn out nice if this story developed more. But it's your story so you decide. But, would a real vampire show himself that easily? "But I have eternity." Its almost as if he likes to outlive the people he cares for.




Silverlock says...


Hey Confused! (love your nickname by the way! )

Thanks a lot for reviewing! Yeah they both have heaps of back story but I just wanted to give a glimpse or window of a moment. Any way thanks again! :)



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Tue Apr 08, 2014 3:12 am
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Iggy wrote a review...



Hi Silverlock!

Spoiler! :
CAN EVERYONE PLEASE STOP HATING ON TWILIGHT I ACTUALLY LIKED IT OKAY *glares*


>_> moving along.

A few nitpicks:

Amidst these falling flakes stood a young man dressed entirely in black and wearing a heavy overcoat that reached sightly past his knees.


You're in need of that bolded word so add it in.

“Please Hans, lets just go!” begged the female.


Let's needs an apostrophe. Also, begged should be capitalized.

“You're trespassing,” was the man's reply,.


Remove the comma at the end of the sentence.


Okay. Nitpicks aside. Wow. That was really good! First off, this was beautifully written. You told the story in such a nice, easy to follow way. The flow was smooth and I was literally enthralled the entire time. I love that you introduced the vampire (who needs a name btw), told us a little of his story and how he views his life, took us into the mansion with the teenagers, and him making Lauren stay so she could take to the ghosts for him. Then that ending. That ending was really, really good.

I just gotta gush about the beginning and the snowflakes and how he compares his life with theirs, and how they both have all the time in the world.

The ghosts were a nice touch to this. It was a bit sad to see his mother pop up and tell her son that she misses him and for him to just shrug it off. I do have a feeling that it affected him more than he let on, so a bit more insight on that would've been nice.

Overall, this was truly better than I had expected. I enjoyed this very much, so thank you for sharing! It was a pleasure to read and I really did love it. :)




Silverlock says...


Hey Iggy! Thanks for reviewing!

First of all though just to clear things up. I never said I hate Twilight, just that it killed my obsession. Due mainly to the fact that people couldn't differentiate between liking vampires and liking Robert Patterson -.- I'v never even read it so I can't hate it :)

I've corrected all the errors you pointed out and I totes agree that the vamp needed a name. I just didn't know where to insert it in smoothly, any ideas? :)

Anyway thanks again! :)




"It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves."
— William Shakespeare