Mission Blind Eye: Chapter 1

by Utopia

Published April 7, 2014

E - Everyone

In Mission Blind Eye

PreviousNext

Welcome to mission Blind Eye, to stop Eyeline for good,’’ I was looking forward to this mission, being the leader of all kingdoms and top spy leader, I have fought many battles against Eyeline. She has been trying to destroy our kingdom for too long.

Universe will lead us,’’ that’s me, Universe, the princess and only royal of Realm Reunion. I was here with some of the most powerful spies and protectors of all the entire Realms.

As you very well know, Realm Reunion is the only place where all magical beings can live in harmony, if Eyeline destroys our planet, all realms will break up into war. That is why we have to do mission blind eye, because the states are high. The downside is that our forcefield will be down for five seconds, but we have set up an emergency system. Yet, if Eyeline was to strike at our forces, then she would take control,’’

Isn’t it too risky then?’’ I asked.

If all goes according to plan, it would have been worth the risk.’’ Our spy guider doesn’t understand all the lives that are at stake here. She lost her family to Eyeline and her eye army, so I guess she would take any chance she could get to destroy Eyeline.

Realm reunion is the second planet in this galaxy, the magic dimension. Years ago, there was an evil planet named Zordàf, but due to the sun expanding, it was destroyed. The sun is expanding, fast and planets are one by one being destroyed. The Elders, the royals of all magical beings, are trying to do all they can to prevent this from happening. The few monsters that managed to escape from the evil planet explosion are trying to stop us from preventing the sun from exploding so that we will share their kingdom’s fate. We have managed to destroy all of them except for Eyeline and her sisters.

Troops in your positions, the forcefield is about to lower. Eyeline is in our sights! Spy leaders try to lead Eyeline towards the forcefield!’’

Spy leaders? That was me! I leapt up into the air and extracted my wings, they glowed a midnight black as I soared into the air. My chestnut hair trailed along behind me as my heart thumped inside my chest. My navy blue dress flapped at my ankles and stood out amongst the clouds.

I looked down at my kingdom and felt proud. Beautiful green trees were everywhere, the village children were running about gaily and laughing. I raked my fingers through the clouds and looked up at the clear blue sky above me and the golden sun, burning at the perfect climate for this time of day. The flowers were blooming all shades of red, blue and white. It’s a shame that the day will be ruined by our mission. Our mission! I was so happy flying that I forgot about our mission!

I suddenly saw an eye in the distance and my heart sank to my boots, not an ordinary eye, an eye filled with pure evil. My heart rate leapt up in an alarming rate. What was the spy guider thinking? Eyeline truly is dangerous. I felt a shiver go down my spine, a feeling that someone was watching me. I turned my head, my heart skipped several beats. There, staring at me was Eyeline.

She was exactly as I had imagined her. She had neon pink hair to her shoulders and yellow skin. She was wearing vines wrapped around her and both of her eyes were glowing, and they both were pitch black. She was holding flames of fire in her hands, I would have been in awe at her if she wasn’t so scary. She truly was a beautiful nightmare.

With a grin on her face, she threw one of the fires in her hand at me. I had to fly fast and make it to the forcefield before it closed! I dived back in the direction I had come from. Eyeline was hot on my tail, throwing fire balls at me. The children below me were running and screaming. I felt like screaming and running, oh why, oh why did that silly sun have to expand! Eyeline is almost a metre away from me now, but the forcefield is also in view. I dived down into it right before Eyeline could grab me.

I turned around to look at Eyeline. She was fuming outside the forcefield. Suddenly, it dropped down to the ground and faded. The mission! Oh no! We can’t let Eyeline in! Eyeline, noticing that our forcefield was down, took her chance and dived down towards the surprised villagers.

No!’’ I screamed as she conjured an eye army that blasted straight at the children. I ran behind a pillar and stayed hidden while all hell broke loose. I heard shots behind me, screams and fire sparks. I didn’t know what to do. I felt so guilty. I had to go through with the plan, or I could run and hide. Everything is resting on me now, what I do will probably decide the fate of my kingdom, yet in the heat of the moment, I froze.

I shouldn’t have come, it was all my fault. I’m not even supposed to be here. When I turned twelve, I cried on my birthday and something strange happened, something terrible. When I cried, I was whisked forward in time as a different person with a different age. I mustn’t cry now, not again, yet it was too late. A single, salty tear rolled down my rosy cheeks and within seconds I felt myself whirling into the past.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review Review · Apr 19, 2014

Hey there Sis ;) I finally am reading this!

I liked it so much. Universe was an interesting choice of name. I also saw you put this line in: yet in the heat of the moment, I froze. ;) Adding in your little poem, eh? I know you liked those words together ^.^ I think that you've got an interesting idea here too. I'm going to stay away from nitpicks, but if you read over it carefully I'm sure you can spot all the places where you should've had full stops instead of commas. And you've had reviews to help you with that already. So I will focus on the story :)

being the leader of all kingdoms and top spy.


So being the princess of her realm puts her in charge of all the kingdoms there? Okay, I understand that. But seeing as she is the only royalty in her realm, why isn't she the Queen. Also, why would they put the royalty in the middle of the fight! Maybe you should mention how in this world, being royalty means you serve your country under all circumstances. Every major battle you are there fighting amongst your people, or something. And perhaps also mention how they choose who the next royalty will be, in the case of death or something.

I am also looking forwards to getting to know how she became the top spy! Maybe in a flashback or something. Universe doesn't really act like a top spy in this situation though... so maybe make her a little less beginner-like or more thinking like an expert! Also, maybe this shouldn't be the first time she sees Eyeline, but maybe the second, and she's like: Eyeline looked the same as the first time I'd seen her. Because if she'd managed to help fend off Eyeline one time, it makes more sense to her being a top spy.

As you very well know, Realm Reunion is the only place where all magical beings can live in harmony, if Eyeline destroys our planet, all realms will break up into war. That is why we have to do mission blind eye, because the states are high. The downside is that our forcefield will be down for five seconds, but we have set up an emergency system. Yet, if Eyeline was to strike at our forces, then she would take control,’’


Why is their forcefield going down? Maybe you should mention the reason too. Also, why would all the realms break up into war? Maybe an idea for this would be because they'd all battle to own the planet furthest from the expanding sun, to live longer and try and find a way to save themselves... as an example xD

You jump between past tense and present tense. Choose one to stick to. If you want me to help you with this or explain, just ask me when you're working with your laptop.

Also, if a battle is about to commence, why didn't they take safety measures and make sure all the children and other people were locked inside houses or hidden underground? Especially as they knew the forcefield would be going down temporarily.

Our spy guider doesn’t understand all the lives that are at stake here. She lost her family to Eyeline and her eye army


Hmm... I see what you mean about her not caring as much because she has nothing to lose anymore. But I think the opposite. I think this would make her care much because she knows what it's like to lose everything, not just one person. So maybe this bit needs a bit more work?

shouldn’t have come, it was all my fault. I’m not even supposed to be here. When I turned twelve, I cried on my birthday and something strange happened, something terrible. When I cried, I was whisked forward in time as a different person with a different age. I mustn’t cry now, not again, yet it was too late. A single, salty tear rolled down my rosy cheeks and within seconds I felt myself whirling into the past.


Wow! That was definitely a surprise there at the end! Maybe a bit too shocking? Perhaps at the bit at the beginning she could be wondering how she had come this far although she felt like she was twelve inside or something and explain this in more than just a paragraph at the end?

I really like the idea though, and I'm looking forwards to knowing what her past was like. Did they all live normally then, or was it after the sun started expanding? I love the fact that she has wings... like a fairy! Does Universe have powers too?

Anyways, these were my suggestions. I think it's a brilliant idea and you should definitely keep on working with it, Utopia. :D I will read the next chapter whenever you put it on!

Deanie x

Utopia replied · Apr 23, 2014

Thanks for the review big sis. You're full of great ideas! I know I need to focus more on things making sense but I really can see this story coming along. I can't wait to post part 2!

User avatar
Iggy
Review
Iggy wrote a review Review · Apr 8, 2014

Hello!

A few nitpicks:

‘Welcome to mission Blind Eye, to stop Eyeline for good,’’ I was looking forward to this mission, being the leader of all kingdoms and top spy leader, I have fought many battles against Eyeline.


Comma splice galore! Read this article and fix this sentence and any other comma splices you stumble across.

‘Universe will lead us,’’ that’s me, Universe, the princess and only royal of Realm Reunion.


Okay, you're already doing this thing where you forget to say who's talking. In this case, who's talking here? I hope it's not Universe, because then she's referring to herself in the third person and it wouldn't make sense.

Realm Reunion is the only place where all magical beings can live in harmony, if Eyeline destroys our planet, all realms will break up into war.


The comma after "harmony" should be a semi-colon.

That is why we have to do mission blind eye, because the states are high.


That should be stakes.

‘If all goes according to plan, it would have been worth the risk.’’


Should be will.

I leapt up into the air and extracted my wings, they glowed a midnight black as I soared into the air.


Change that comma to a semicolon.


Okay, so you do this thing where your sentences are rushed because of missing punctuation. I've pointed out some examples, but now it's up to you to reread this and find the rest yourself. Otherwise, the flow is ruined because things are rushed while others are slow and it's just confusing and disorientating.

Other than that, I'm enjoying this so far! I do find it odd that they didn't take precautions for a battle, like making sure that no civilians were outside during the attack, as that doesn't seem very realistic, but other than that, this is getting good. Beautiful imagery, awesome sci-f/ supernatural elements to this. I like the universe you've created and the terms and races you're using. But most of all, I like the descriptive details you're using to describe the scene and the ending, with her tears taking her to a new world. That was surprising and random and a nice twist/cliffhanger to end the story, so kudos on that!

Overall, this is getting really good and I would love to see what happens to Universe. :)

Utopia replied · Apr 16, 2014

Thanks for the review! I did a thorough search for mistakes and have changed most of them. Thanks for the advice and I have changed the plot so that everyone is indoors during the attack.

User avatar
IamTraunt
Review
IamTraunt wrote a review Review · Apr 7, 2014

Hey! IamTruant here to review!

Okay, lets get down to business :-)
So, I think I understand the concept of your story. I understand that there is a war going on between Eyeline and Universe's people. The question is: why? Does she want the realm because her planet was destroyed by the sun? I am confused. The first chapter usually explains why and who and what is going on. You have done this by explaining the war, but there are some questions you have left untold.
You do use some brilliant vocabulary, for example:

Beautiful green trees were everywhere, the village children were running about gaily and laughing.

This also arises the question: Why would the children be out playing when the force field was being let down? Shouldn't everyone just stay inside just in case?
I am intrigued by your character Universe, especially when you describe what happens when she cries:
I cried, I was whisked forward in time as a different person with a different age. I mustn’t cry now, not again, yet it was too late. A single, salty tear rolled down my rosy cheeks and within seconds I felt myself whirling into the past.

Seeing as Eyeline & Universe both have powers, do others have powers? Or is it just some?
I am really curious.
You have described quite a lot and yet you have left out so much.
I hope in the next chapter you go into more detail about the world you have created! :-)
Great work! I hope this isn't discouraging :-)
Keep on writing!

Utopia replied · Apr 16, 2014

I know it's a little late, but thank you for the review. I have added more detail to the chapter that I hope will help. The reason Eyeline is in war is because she wants Universes people to share the same fate of her people. She is jealous that Universe gets a happily ever after and wants to make sure she doesn't.

Utopia replied · Apr 16, 2014

I know it's a little late, but thank you for the review. I have added more detail to the chapter that I hope will help. The reason Eyeline is in war is because she wants Universes people to share the same fate of her people. She is jealous that Universe gets a happily ever after and wants to make sure she doesn't.

Utopia replied · Apr 16, 2014

I know it's a little late, but thank you for the review. I have added more detail to the chapter that I hope will help. The reason Eyeline is in war is because she wants Universes people to share the same fate of her people. She is jealous that Universe gets a happily ever after and wants to make sure she doesn't.

Its fine xx I'm glad to be of help :-)



If we choose, we can live in a world of comforting illusion.
— Noam Chomsky