*I was having some formatting issues when writing this because I uploaded this via iPad. The next chapter will be longer. Still thinking of a title so suggestions on titles are greatly appreciated. Go critique this thing to death!!. This is a knock of version of the Kingdom Keepers (my favorite book series) so it may bare some resemblance to that.*
Chapter 1
Everyone has a destiny. Everyone has something that sets them apart from everyone else. Finding that something is what some people spend their whole lives finding, others discover it without searching. Some discover it and run from it, afraid of what will come from it. But running can get you only so far. The past you had been running from will catch up with you eventually. It will catch up to you and you will have to accept it. It’s your destiny to do so. Sometimes that destiny has the power to change the world.
~ ~ ~ ~
I was running. What was I running from? The Outcasts, I couldn’t let them take me. I knew one day I would have to fight them, I knew I would have to claim back the Power. My great grandfather was Walt Disney. Disney was the Finder and Keeper of the Power and it was my inherited job to see to it that the Power was safe. But several years ago I had failed to do that job. I was seven; I never fully understood the consequences of abusing that power and what it would mean if I lost it, which I do now. Now they’re after me. I’m one of the five who could stop them, plus I’m the only one who could use the Power to its full potential. By capturing me they would have the Ultimate Power and take over the Magic Kingdom and use it for evil and that can’t happen.
I wish I had backup, but that’s not going to happen. The other Kingdom Protectors are under The Evil Queen’s Sleeping Spell. Somehow I’m immune to poison apples or maybe they just thought it would be easier to capture me alive. I mean what Outcast wants to kiss me to wake me up from eternal sleep? That’s just gross! I mean, an Outcast kissing a Kingdom Protector? Ha! The Neverland News would have a field day with that! It would have given them a bad name to their villain organization. Or would it be a good name? Oh well, you know what I mean right?
I guess by now you’re wondering who are these Outcasts? What’s the Power? Who are the other four? I guess you just have no idea at all what I’m running from or who I am or what’s going on at all. So here’s the full story of how I ended up being chased by the Outcasts.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well, this was a pretty interesting first chapter, looks like there's a decent amount of world building behind this one with everything being mentioned and just a lot of names being referenced here and there...which is a good sign..for me at least...seems like a solid start to this story here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay..interesting little start there, reads like a bit of pep talk almost that one, and it does manage to catch your attention, so its certainly an effective opening paragraph here, it also does make you think what this story could be about, considering all this talk of destiny...this is definitely giving off a pretty neat vibe there.
Okay...wow, that is quite a bit of exposition there squeezed into the one paragraph, I think it manages to come across as relatively coherent with the story...it doesn't seem to interfere with the pacing too much, and establishing a bit of the stakes and background is quite helpful there as this person talks of what appears to be the mission that they're currently on.
Okayy...that kind of went off on a tiny bit of a tangent there, which one hand makes sense if this is someone that perhaps gets easily distracted by things but also it does break the flow of the story here to an extent cause it goes from useful information to all sorts of other things quite fast there, a bit of a double edged sword that one.
Well, this is certainly a fun ending here, I do like stories where the protagonist ends up communicating the reader there...or at least seems to be doing so...aand well, you've chosen some pretty good questions there...making sure to let us readers know exactly what things we need to be curious about here. Well, this is definitely a pretty good chapter one here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, a neat little first chapter. It was definitely quite intriguing...certainly has a lot of questions that you want answered and as such it seems like a story I would continue reading here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Disclaimer: I just paid taxes.
Don't ever start a story like this. You have not earned the readers trust, so they have no reason to take you seriously. Furthermore, this isn't the actual beginning of the story, so why place it at the beginning of Chapter One, arguably the single most important part of the book, without which your readers will never buy your book?
Exterminate it, dalek style.
The reader does want to know what the character is running from, but that doesn't mean you should give it to them just yet. Start by teasing them with details. Where is the person running (mall, parking lot, track), what is she seeing as she runs (walls, fences, people, alleys). Is she looking behind her to keep track of who is chasing her (the difference is between chasing someone and being chased)? Is she in good physical shape or not (panting, wheezing, gasping, jumping, sprinting, etc.)
Then, when the reader finally discovers that, yes, she is running from something, you can describe what her pursuers look like, how they are chasing her (helicopters, jet skis, segways, etc.) and whether they are trying to capture her or kill her (firing machine guns.) Are they doing it covertly, (not making a scene in public, but still searching.) Or are they desperate to find her and don't care who knows it as long as they get her?
Then, tease them more. Talk about the various maneuvers that your character is taking to try and shake her pursuers (driving down the wrong side of a freeway, ducking into buildings, jumping from roof top to roof top, pretending you're a mannequin, etc.) If you want to extend the scene, have the pursuers catch up, only to fall behind in response to a maneuver. This back and forth can really build drama and be a visual treat for the reader.
What started off as a single sentence has turned into a full on pursuit, with danger, intrigue, and action. By the time you reach the end of the chapter they are hooked, they need to know what is going on.
But even then, don't tell them. Just show them a hint, the barest hint, that she is wielding a secret power. Perhaps a glowing pendant or orb of power or something. Then start Chapter Two with something like "Three weeks earlier..." or whatever.
I would avoid using the Disney name or trademarks like the plague. Unless they have paid you to plug their name and trademarks, there is no reason to plug it for them. They already have Public Relations to do that for them. I would also be wary of the Disney Legal Department, which is legendary for the lengths they'll go to protect Disney Intellectual Property.
It is much better to keep things generic as possible. Walt Disney, when you come right down to it, is just a brand name, and can be replaced with some other name or person.
All the other stuff you talked about should wait for later chapters. No need to reveal the whole plot in the first chapter.
First off, doctor who is awesome. 2nd thanks for the review, it was just fan fiction tho. 3rd thank you for the advice, I'll try to apply it.
what the heck dude! that's an amazing way to start a book, so you're seriously wrong. sure, Sunshine could have put it somewhere else, but it's still good! you made me feel bad for her. grrr on you, bro
Hi, It's Em101cats here!
I just want to say, I love this first part. It was a little short, but that's perfectly okay. I will definitely read the other parts of this. I understand the hardship of writing with an iPad. I have an iPhone. Even harder. Anyways, I love this, keep up the good work, and PLEASE make more.
Ch 2 is still in the works, I've had a severe case of writers block for about 2 months halfway thru the chapter.... I'll upload the first part ASAP. I'm glad you liked it
you just made my day.
Knight Dragon, here to review!
Ooh, titles. Welcome to my favorite random generators. That site should have something of what you're looking for, and definitely some other helpful writing gens. (Also, the writing and worldbuilding section has some really good articles.) Also, try searching for random title generators and see if Google can help you find something good.
Now, on to the review.
Technical:
You missed capitalizing that 'power' there.
"The" is rarely if ever capitalized in the middle of a sentence, even for a title. So you might want to decaps that.
So far as the content goes, this feels like a Prologue, so whether you choose to denote it that way or not, that's what I'm recommending it be.
And I feel like you haven't put enough distance between yourself and the Kingdom Keepers for this to be actual fiction: it feels like fanfiction. This definitely feels like the KK's universe, so unless you really draw some distinctions later on that give this its own personal flavor, you're never going to slip out from underneath the influence's shadow.
And the conflict feels extremely generalized. The good are good, the evil are evil, and the struggle between the two it a pure "Power" struggle. So you might want to give that some attention.
Hope this helps!
Thanks, I know this is a bit cliche. I'm not sure wether or not I was going the fan fiction route or if I wanted to break away from that yet, I won't know until I finish writing it. Thanks for the title generators
Okay, I was just looking around for some book to read and I stumbled upon this.
I like this because it fills your mind with questions, questions like what you put at the end. But you also explained a little of what this is about, so the reader isn't totally confused. Thumbs up.
I thought it was a bit short, (like you mentioned at the top) but I know that you want a good place to stop and everything, especially hen you're at a cliffhanger or a suspenseful part.
You may have wanted to mention the main character's name, but then again, you may not want to. You should, though, make sure it's mentioned in the next couple of chapters.
This is really interesting so far, especially how you incorporated Walt Disney into that. Genious!
I've never read the Kingdom Keepers before, so I don't know how similar it is to then book.
I saw a couple of places where there should've been commas. And if you don't have commas, it makes your whole piece feel rushed.
For example:
"Disney was the Finder and Keeper of the Power and it was my inherited job to see to it that the Power was safe." It seems a little rushed, right? Just make sure you add commas in appropriate spots to make the flow slower and not as rushed.
Well, hope I helped! Keep up the writing!
~ WillowPaw1
Thanks
the main characters name is in the next chapter, in fact it's the 1st paragraph and the 1st sentence of the 2nd chapter. Don't worry all your questions will be answered soon enough.... 
Thanks
the main characters name is in the next chapter, in fact it's the 1st paragraph and the 1st sentence of the 2nd chapter. Don't worry all your questions will be answered soon enough.... 
Thanks
the main characters name is in the next chapter, in fact it's the 1st paragraph and the 1st sentence of the 2nd chapter. Don't worry all your questions will be answered soon enough.... 
All right, cool!
No idea why that posted like 3 times.... Or maybe my iPad just glitched....
Yeah, weird!