Chapter 2-- 942 words
Two sets of footprints framed the narrow stretch of sandy beach, close to the ocean. They revealed that there were two wanderers out on the beach who were sorely lacking in shoes.
It seemed like they had been waking for miles, following the wall of sheer cliffs. Every now and then Shep would poke his cane at something around him, or mutter to his "sheep." The pink-orange sun was drenching the rocks and clouds in its rich hue. "Just how far is this dinner and bed?" Jay asked.
Shep gazed out at this reflected color for a moment before saying, "Oh it'll be along soon. Keep an eye open for a crooked tree by a crooked path. Then we'll climb these cliffs."
They walked along in silence as the sun sank. After a while, Jay noticed tiny cracks scratching the horizon. As they drew nearer, Jay saw it was a tree that's branches all faced toward the cliff. When they got even closer, Jay could see that the bark was messy and knotted, and all seemed to be pushed toward the back of the tree as well.
"The wind from out over the sea has pushed those branches over many season toward the cliff. The wind is so persistent, that the tree grew that way," Shep mused. He stopped at the tree and patted its trunk. A few birds that had been roosting at the tip tops of the tree fluttered away. Jay realized that he could see right through their red-tinted wings, like a dragon fly. They warbled a happy tune as they flew off into the brilliant painting that was the sky. As they turned to begin their ascent up the sheer rocky path, Jay asked a question that had been bothering him since he had set foot on Trevon.
"Um Shep? Is this ... Earth? I feel like this is an entirely different world from Earth. I didn't recognize those birds, and you're... rather odd as well." Crazy, He thought, but didn't say.
"Earth you say? Well, this is earth," he gestured all around him, "if you mean the dirt. If you're talking about a world called 'Earth' though, I've never heard of such a place."
"Oh, then what do you call this planet?"
"Planet?" Shep helped Jay over a particularly sharp outcropping.
"Yeah, y'know, like Mars?" Jay gestured at the sky.
"Mars? You mean the god of war?"
"Er, no. Never mind, it doesn't matter." Jay kicked a rock up the hill. The darkness was becoming thicker by the minute and Jay was having a hard time seeing. He was thankful that the path was smoothing out.
Jay had been trying to run away from his home, but he didn't mean to escape from his planet too. He thought of his mother and a tiny twinge of guilt pierced his throat. Then he thought of Jack Bolson, and the rest of the track team. He thought of his poor grades that were slipping despite being forced into a "homework help" program. He thought of the friends that had abandoned him when they had grown "too cool" for him, and of his brother's "lessons" in the backyard. Something tightened inside of him and the trudged onward up the hill.
Shep and Jay crested the top of the hill, and a small village came into view.
It was dark, however, and all he could see was dark shapes. Shep tapped the ground with his shepherd's cane and stomped off in the direction of one of the closer buildings. As they grew nearer, Jay could smell something delicious. Shep whistled a strange tune before motioning Jay to go inside.
Within the the dark building (that was much lighter on the inside), shiny wooden tables stood, displaying the meals of those who were occupying them. Jay saw a mounted animal that he didn't recognize hanging above the roaring fireplace. Shep led Jay to a table where a young woman pushed her food around her plate. When Shep sat down, she looked up from her dish and smiled.
"Ato! Great to see you back again! And in one piece too!" She glanced at Jay and lowered her voice, "did you find any?"
"Alas, I did not. It was too pleasant a place. But you might say I came close; I picked up Jay here." Shep gestured to Jay. "He was just lying on the beach. Much easier to find than one of those pesky sheep."
"Hey Jay," the girl cracked a grin and stuck out her hand, "I'm Fleta."
"Nice to meet you," Jay responded. Fleta looked about his age. She had long dark hair, cheerful eyes, and a mischievous smile. She looked athletic, although Jay could tell she was rather short. Shep took a seat across from her, and Jay sat next to him. Shep called across the room for a server, and one came scurrying over.
"Y-yes sir?" the small man stuttered.
"Get me two fruitwashes, any flavor you have. And make it quick! This boy is about to pass out!"
"Right away sir." The man backed away toward the kitchen.
The lighting was dim in the inn-- candles don't shed much light-- but Jay could see that the room was full of men and women, eating, drinking, and going about their buisness. The server brought back two dark blue drinks in large glasses. Fleta already had a blood-red drink next to her, but it looked untouched. Shep took a big gulp of the fruitwash, then motioned Jay to do the same. Jay took a small sip. the liquid was thick and cool, tasting slightly of peaches, slightly of peas, and mostly of something he couldn't name. It was delicious, and filling.
Shep and Fleta began a hushed conversation that Jay could only hear snippets of.
"North... islands too hot... but... if the sheep... heir... the capitol won't..." The bottom of the fruitwash was darker and crunched between his teeth. Jay watched the two converse. They made quite the pair. They weren't the twosome he would see out on just any street. Shep was mostly bald, except for his beard which was long and impressive. He looked around sixy years of age, and he wore so many woolen blankets, it was almost comical. Jay noticed how young his eyes looked. Their whites were milky, and their blues sparked. Fleta looked comfortable around him, as if they had been friends for a long time.
Jay was tired, lulled by the hushed conversation and the warm fire. He was exhausted from the day's event. His eyes were drooping as Shep pulled him upstairs to a small room. Jay lay under warm sheets, wrapped in the woolen blanket that Shep had given him, and fell fast asleep.
I'm getting used to the writing style. In fact, I actually like it now that I've read a little more. 
As for the plot, it's good enough that I'll keep reading, but I can't say much else because, obviously, I practically just started.
Continuing on...I hope the rest is at least as good as this!
Hey! FireBird99 here for a review!
I think I may have just decided to adopt this novel. It is THAT interesting.
~What I liked-
I found this Chapter was a bit easier to read. Your other one was amazing but I found you described things more in this one. I had a feel for what the land looked like and I had a vivid image of what they were doing. The other one was a lot of talking but that's fine because it flowed well and it was the beginning of the book.
Shep is still my favorite. He says funny things and I've always loved those type of characters. I hope he keeps it up =).
Their conversation seemed intriguing. It makes me want to know more. I think it may have something to do with the title of your book. Am I right? xD
~What may need fixing-
Your pacing has been fine but I found that Fleta's character was a little rushed in. Maybe you should build it up a bit before she comes in? ..I'm not sure how to fix it up but I'll leave it to you 
.
Keep up the writing!
~Fire
He should really make a novel about this. Who would not? I liked the part where Fleta said "Alas". Do not think of me as odd (if you did, then you probably wanted to say 'crazy'), but I enjoy these type of words. Simple as they are, they would make any sentence pop (just do not overdo them; it would not be wise). This chapter was short, sweet, and to the point. I do not enjoy long, dragging chapters. They make me tired. I better make sure that I find time to read all of your chapters, Widdershins. I am looking forward to reading your stories. You are very creative.
Now, I must end this review. As I always say:
"Good luck and keep writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Very truly yours,
fantasydragon01"
P. S---This is my thing, if you know what I mean.
Hezzo, hezzo! Happy Review Day!
I shall get to the mucky businesses right away: that beginning and I do not agree. But then again, I'm very fussy about beginnings, so you'll just have to bear with me! It was too fast, too sparse, but I'm sure it's nothing you can't build up on. I'd also have preferred to begin the second chapter with the characters (this is where I disagree with WritingWolf), or perhaps a stronger image. Where a strong image with a strong voice is present, I think setting is a fantastic entrance to any chapter. But where your focal point is the characters, and they are better developed, I'd suggest hauling them in as life-support for your novel. That's not to say that you can't tweak the already extant beginning: you can.
They revealed that there were two wanderers out on the beach who were sorely lacking in shoes.
It seemed like they had been waking for miles, following the wall of sheer cliffs. Every now and then Shep would poke his cane at something around him, or mutter to his "sheep." The pink-orange sun was drenching the rocks and clouds in its rich hue. "Just how far is this dinner and bed?" Jay asked.
As they drew nearer, Jay saw it was a tree that's branches all faced toward the cliff.
"The wind from out over the sea has pushed those branches over many season toward the cliff. The wind is so persistent, that the tree grew that way," Shep mused.
Jay realized that he could see right through their red-tinted wings, like a dragon fly.
Jay kicked a rock up the hill.
Jay had been trying to run away fromhishome, but hedidn'thadn't meant to escape from his planet, too.
"...And make it quick! This boy is about to pass out!"
Rawr!
Characters and plot
Characters are so important in the first few chapters. If you don't get the right ones in the right place and build some kind of connection between them and your audience then you're audience is going to put the book back and find a new one.
I think you've done this brilliantly. Jay is casual enough to relate to as your 'average Joe' and Shep is so weird he's fascinating. As for Fleta, I'd like to see a bit more interaction between her and Shep, just to see where she fits in. She's kind of an extra limb without a body right now.
What happened here?
"After a while, Jay noticed tiny cracks scratching the horizon. As they drew nearer, Jay saw it was a tree that's branches all faced toward the cliff. When they got even closer, Jay could see that the bark was messy and knotted, and all seemed to be pushed toward the back of the tree as well."
This part is a bit of a jumble. Jay is walking closer, and as he gets closer he sees more details. I understand that's what's being said, but the way it's put is really odd XD Since the first part of the sentence is about Jay then it reads a bit like 'they walked nearer, and he saw better, and then he walked nearer again, and he saw more again, and then they walked nearer even more and he saw more detail.' If you ignore the way they're moving and show the detail growing simply by describing it then the focus of the paragraph will be on the tree rather than on Jay walking forward.
Sometimes it helps to think of what the heart of the sentence is before you start writing it, especially in cases like this where the action of the character has an effect on the way things appear.
Timmy here!
Here I am againnnnn.... I will be reviewing this probably once a day, putting in my two cents worth each morning in-between sips of coffee and idle chats. Your work will be the highlight of my YWS morning.
branches over many season toward
grew that way," Shep mused.
Yes, It is I. Hi! I guess this was more of an informative chapter, but it was still very interesting! I didn't find anything in need of repair, so this shall be a comment. Finally, I get to move on the Chapter 1.
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
The one thing I really like about this is that there is a lot of imagery; especially in your first chapter. But you've done a good job continuing with that here in this chapter. That's super important because, as Shep pointed out, this isn't Earth. Your story is taking place somewhere completely different than anything we know. Well, some of the setting might seem familiar like the sand and the mountains. But other than that you are creating a whole different world. It's important to really draw your readers in and make them believe that this place is real. It's important to paint that picture in their heads. And believe me dude, you've got me believing in this place. And I'm only on the second chapter!
When I read the part about Jay feeling guilty I wanted to jump up and down and scream, "Yes! Yes! He did it! Oh, thank God!" I feel like more writers me included unfortunately, tend to skip over any feeling of guilt or old memories of their character's "old life". Now, I of course don't mean they skip over everything, but they skip over a lot. And you haven't done that. You forced Jay to think of everyone that he left behind. That builds great character. Here he was, ready to run away and now he is feeling bad for all those he left behind. That's what you call realistic writing. I'm sure any kid would feel real guilty after running away.
I'll have to check out the next few chapters tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Well done! You did really well in this chapter with your describing sentences, realistic dialogue, and characterization. Shep has been explained very well both physically and socially. I like how Jay brought up the whole planet issue. Shep's answer was very comical As with my previous review, I see that all the little mistakes have already been pointed out. This book is getting on well; keep it up!
Hey fortis! Zontafer here to review as requested!
I'll try a different style of reviewing now, so I'll be reviewing as I write.
Nitpicks
The prints suggested that there were two wanderers out on the beach who were sorely lacking in shoes.
They revealed that there were...
Shep gazed out at this reflected color for a moment before saying "oh it'll be along soon. Keep an eye open for a crooked tree by a crooked path. Then we'll climb these cliffs."
...before saying, ''...
Shep and Jay crested the top of the hill, and a small village came into view.
...hill, and something looking like a small village came into view.
"Mars? You mean the god of messages?"
I love this line, Fortis. I got a giggle out of it-you focus on them being barefoot, which for some reason struck me as funny. I guess I just see the wording as clever.The prints suggested that there were two wanderers out on the beach who were sorely lacking in shoes.
I think you should change one of your "crooked" to another word, mainly because word repetition feels stale.crooked tree by a crooked path
Hey Fortis! Sorry I'm so late with this review, I'll try to be better about that in the future.
I liked how in the opening you talked about the footprints, instead of the people. It was a much better opening than most second chapters would get. But the second line confused me for a bit, the " were sorely lacking in shoes" just didn't ring quite right. I think because "lacking in ____" isn't a very common wording for something like this, so it kinda threw me off.
I like how you bring up Shep's sheep again, I get a strange feeling that they will be important later on?
One thing that you didn't make very clear, is it dusk or dawn? How long have they been walking? Because they're talking about "dinner and bed" I want to assume that it's dusk. But you didn't give a very clear idea of how much time has past since the last chapter. They could very well have been walking all night.
Also, I hadn't realized there where cliffs until Shep said they'd need to climb them. This really changed how I envisioned the scene. And it made me wonder how long they'd been next to cliffs? Where the cliffs always there, or had they come across some cliffs along their walk that took place between the chapters? I think it would help if you referenced to the cliffs once or twice before Shep's comment.
I loved your description of the tree. With all of it's branches facing towards the cliff.
And now I see that you've cleared up the fact that this is indeed at dusk, not dawn.
You kind of jumped from being far off looking at the tree to being right next to it. Not quite sure what you could do about this. Possibly make a comment about something that happens while they walk to the tree? I dunno. But the jump seems unnatural.
How does Shep know that Jay is talking about a planet (or world, or whatever it is that Shep thinks of as something like this)? I mean there was the whole "I feel like this is an entirely different world" comment. But is that really enough to suggest that Jay is talking about a planet, not the ground? I thought it rather strange how Shep managed to guess that Jay was talking about a planet from that little comment.
I like the way you show Shep's confusion when talking about planets and Mars. It portrays his character very well.
I like how you brought up his guilt at leaving home, but kept it small. You didn't make this long drug out section about all the wonderful things that he left behind. You just kind of suggested it. And you made me wonder about his grades, why was he doing so badly? Was it intentional? Or did he really not understand his schoolwork? This question is good. It makes the reader want to keep going. Make sure you don't leave it hanging for too long though (that can make readers frustrated). This is the kind of thing that I would nudge around for a little while. Give hints and ideas for the next couple chapters. And once all the action and such gets started give the readers a straight up answer (but by this time they should have enough hints to have a couple guesses).
Again, you've made a small jump. It's dark? When did that happen? How long has it been dark? I thought the sun was still sinking. How long did it take for them to climb that cliff? This question could be easily avoided by some comment on the dimming light making climbing harder.
I like your description of the building they're in. Is it the same one from the prologue? (< another good question that you should make the reader ask. It is something that will make them thing a little more about the skill of the writer (you). I don't think this question will need a straight answer, more of an indirect answer. For example (if the answer is yes), take a few things described in the prologue (like strong drinks and potato-based dishes) and reference to them again. If the answer is no then take things described in the prologue (you might have to add some things, like what the fireplace looks like) and describe them differently, so that we know they aren't the same object.)
And what happened to the invisible sheep that Shep has been talking too? Did they stay outside? Or did they go in with him? Or are they actually fictitious and it doesn't really matter?
I liked how you described Fleta. But it made me wonder, how old is Shep? I was imagining him as being well up there in age. But I wonder if that is right or not? And if it is, well, Fleta isn't really in the age range that you would expect Shep to socialize with on a regular basis, so that makes me wonder how the two met?
I loved how you described the fruitwashes. They sound delicious. mhhmmmm...
I think the ending sounded a little clipped. Maybe add a small bit of description as to what the room looks like? Or what Jay was thinking about the small bits of conversation he heard? It needs a little more umph, at the moment it sounds rather rushed.
I hope this review is helpful. And please, if you find something in one of my reviews that is particularly helpful, or particularly unhelpful, please point it out to me. The more you tell me about my reviews the more I know what you're looking for in a review, and the better my reviews can help you in the future.
Great job Fortis, can't wait until I get a chance to read Chapter 3!
~WW
Woo hello, Fort! It would appear that I have beaten your trusty Sage to the prize.
Anyway, no real grammar issues. Not that I found, anyway. I think towards the end you could use a little more variation in sentence structure and length, but the beginning gets an A+!
For technique, I noticed that you tend to use passive voice a lot. Try to avoid that. Instead of 'Jay could see' write 'Jay saw.' (It was mostly with 'can's and 'could's though, not 'was'.)
With the dialogue, remember that you don't always have to start with what they say. Try writing the action first, then the speech. (Only sometimes though.)
Great detail over all. It would be nice to see some words with stronger connotations, just to help set tone, because I didn't get much of a vibe from the building where they ate. (Like, was it chaotic, or friendly, or tense?)
And lastly, I'm getting to see more on Jay's side. Depending on how you want to write this, I might suggest adding more of his voice to the narration. What does he think about everything that's going on around him? By the way, you actually did a lot of that in the previous chapter. I do understand his backstory more though, which is nice.
Hmm... That's all I have for now. I'll be back, and good luck with the contest!
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