z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

The Two Thieves - Prologue

by spiritwolf1011


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Prologue

As I stared out at the dark, star filled sky, a small memory of my mother came to mind. She had always loved to bring me and my sister, Laura, out with her to the balcony of our home and show us the bright, beautiful stars that filled the night sky. We’d watch them for hours, pointing out constellations and stars that sparkled brighter than the others. Every now and then, we’d catch a glimpse of a shooting star and make our wishes. While my sister would make whatever childish wish she could make up, I would wish for my mother’s happiness. When my father had left us to fend for ourselves, there were few times when my mother would smile. In fact, the only times I remember seeing her truly smile was out there on that balcony, under the stars. Though it was hard to see during the night, her smile was one of the most beautiful things in the world. I’d give anything to see that smile again.

I’d give anything just to see her again.

I glanced down at my silver watch, noticing how much time had passed. My sister would be home soon, meaning I would have to go downstairs to greet her and make sure she’s fed. I turned to walk back into my apartment, but just as I was about to go in something peculiar caught my eye. A bright, orange light floated freely across the sky. For a moment, I thought it was just another star. But after seeing the way it danced wildly from one direction to the next, I thought, stars can’t move around like that…can they?

I took a closer look at the light and realized that it was not a star, but a flame. A ball of fire swirled and turned at its own will. That couldn’t be possible…it’s not like you see random fire floating around every night, not unless it was from a firework and it was just floating down until it completely diminished. But this flame wasn’t dying. No…in fact, it seemed like with every passing minute it grew even bigger with life. And the bigger it grew, the more beautiful it became.

I watched in amazement as the element suddenly took form of some sort of reptile looking creature, complete with claws, a tail, and two majestic wings. It continued its wonderful dance, flying in circles, loops, and straight lines. It was so hard to believe what I was watching, that the only explanation I could think of was that the flame was some type of magic trick. I didn’t think I would be right, however, when I saw the creature finish its performance and slowly float down until it rested in the hands of a young woman only a few rooftops away from where I stood. The flame swirled around her fingertips for a moment before she clasped her hand into a gentle fist, destroying the beautiful thing in her palm. She ran the fingers of her other hand over the place where the element once was and looked up at the night sky, probably lost in her thoughts.

I should have taken that opportunity to go back inside and pretend that I was never there. But, for some odd reason, I found that I couldn’t look away from her. I don’t know why, but looking at her was a great comfort. It created a gentle warmth in my chest that I didn’t want to stop feeling. I didn’t know who this girl was or where she came from…but…I felt happy standing out there, watching her, with no worry in the world. She…made me feel complete.

That is until she finally noticed me.

The moment the girl’s eyes met with mine, my entire body went completely still. I even thought my heart had stopped for a moment. She had the most unique eyes I had ever seen. Her left eye was some shade of violet-I couldn’t exactly tell since of how dark out it was-and her left eye was, strangely, a golden yellow that shined almost as bright as the stars above us. Her right eye was what made me freeze like ice. The way she stared at me, with that cold and hostile expression, created a chill that ran down my spine and back up again. Why she looked at me like this, I didn’t know. Maybe I angered her by watching her performance with the fire. Maybe she didn’t expect to get a small audience during what might have been a private moment for her. I tried to make my face look as apologetic as possible, but that didn’t lighten up her mood even in the slightest. It may have even angered her a bit worse. I just wanted to look away and forget I ever saw her, but my body still felt frozen by her eyes. Please, I thought, please something happen so I can leave…

“Jason?” The calling of my name somehow, thankfully, broke the spell the girl had on me and I immediately turned to face my younger, thirteen-year-old sister. She still had her pack on her back and she looked at me with interested eyes.

“Hey, sis,” I responded, relieved to have control over my body back, “How’d it go?”

“Good. Um…” She tried to look over my shoulder, “What were you looking at?”

“Oh…uh…” Do I dare look back? “I was just – huh?” I hesitantly looked back to find the girl again, but she had vanished as soon as my back was turned. “Where’d…she go…?”

“Who?” I glanced at my sister and back at the area the girl once was, as if she’d come back if I looked long enough. She never did.

“Uh…it’s not important." I turned back to my sister with a smile. "You hungry?”

“Y-yeah.”

“Come on, then. I’ll take you to your favorite taco place.” Laura smiled and ran off downstairs to wait for me by the car, throwing her bag off carelessly somewhere in my room. As I stepped inside and slid the balcony door shut. I stared out at that rooftop one last time. Something inside me told me that I would see that girl again and that, somehow, my life would change when I did. I shook my head, setting the thought aside in the very back of my mind, and left, completely unaware that those mesmerizing eyes had still been watching me, hidden, from afar.

(Author's Note: I don't know if these notes are allowed or not. If they aren't, please forgive me. I just had something a bit important I needed to point out and I will remove this little section if I have to later on. This is the second site I have posted this work on, the first site being FanFiction.net. I wasn't originally going to put it here, but I really wanted to get some helpful reviews and tips on this and I don't feel I'll get that through FanFiction. I had to point this out just in case someone saw it on the other site and thought it was plagiarism. (even if I have the same user name on both sites, you never know). Again, I apologize if these author's notes aren't allowed. Thank You)


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463 Reviews


Points: 12208
Reviews: 463

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Fri Apr 18, 2014 2:35 am
megsug wrote a review...



Hey spiritwolf~
Here as requested. I love Teen Titans, so I'm excited about this.

Alright, so this isn't terrible at all, for one thing. My first helpful writing tip is to always be confident in yourself. On YWS, we're all at different skill levels, and most of us just want to help you out.

the element suddenly took the form of some sort of reptile looking creature


I couldn’t exactly tell because of how dark out it was


Writing tip number two: reread your stuff. That way you can root out the typos or the really awkward parts. Some people also read out loud to themselves because they find it easier to pick out the awkward parts.

She…made me feel complete.

This is a tad cheesy.
It's been overused, and it's tired.
Writing tip number three: when falling on cliche turns of phrases go to your literary devices. i.e metaphors, similes, stuff like that. Be wary because these can be cliched sometimes too.

Tip number three: Always, always, always take advantage to realistically capture your character's emotions and expound on them. This is how we get to know your characters like our best friends. Here:
The flame swirled around her fingertips for a moment before she clasped her hand into a gentle fist, destroying the beautiful thing in her palm. She ran the fingers of her other hand over the place where the element once was and looked up at the night sky, probably lost in her thoughts.

I should have taken that opportunity to go back inside and pretend that I was never there.

....And that's it? I mean, what just happened was really crazy. Doesn't he think that's weird? Isn't he kind of freaking out? What else is going on here? Surely something more.
And here as well:
That is until she finally noticed me.

The moment the girl’s eyes met with mine, my entire body went completely still.

You do a little better here, but it's not as realistic. I wanna know what's going on in his head.

Alright, you're off to a fantastic start. I'm really intrigued. I'm really interested in continuing your story, but I have a lot of other things to review, so it may take a while. Just know you aren't forgotten.

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns my PM, wall, and chat bar are always open.

Keep writing,
Megs~




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Fri Apr 11, 2014 3:40 pm
eldEr wrote a review...



Hey there! Isha here to review.

First off: Notes on works are definitely allowed! :)

Second off, the review. Now, what you've got here is intensely interesting. Your narrator was awesome, and I liked the bit of dialogue that we saw at the end with him and his sister. The way they talked to each other felt realistic and un-stilted, and I liked that quite a lot.

Your imagery was pretty awesome, in most parts, and I did like your narrator's voice. It was unique enough, and successfully portrayed his personality to the reader, so props to that (it's the most important thing about writing in first person, in my opinion).

Now, I want to talk about your opening paragraph a little bit. I'm not going to quote it, because it's, you know, large and your first paragraph, so it's not exactly difficult to find. But your repetition of the word "star" is a little excessive. We know what your narrator's talking about, and the redundancy of the word ends up making the imagery feel choppy. It evens out in later paragraphs, but it's the first one that's going to make the strongest, most lasting impression on the reader. That paragraph needs to be the best of the work, so I'd suggest reading it over and playing with word choice and whatnot.

As for your character's emotion when he sees the fire: It felt a little bit melodramatic. And I understand that this girl obviously has magical qualities that put some power over him, but still. It'd add mystery, I think anyway, if you made it more vague. If you made what he was feeling deep, but more intangible and unknown to him. And, it would be a little more realistic. Let it build until the end of the prologue, maybe.

And that's all I have to say! Otherwise, I really liked this piece. Shoot me a link on my wall or something when you get the next bit up :)

Good job and keep writing,
~Ish




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193 Reviews


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Fri Apr 04, 2014 1:15 pm
Niraco wrote a review...



Since I really don't know which fandom you're writing a fanfiction about I probably am lacking in some knowledge. That being said I felt that thing could have been a original series it was that good. I'm actually very surprised that it hasn't really had a lot of attention.

I loved some of the detailed descriptions you gave here. Especially about the flame. You did such a good job that I could almost feel the warmth on my face. The beginning paragraph I felt was perhaps a little long and it took a while for me to really get into it. It was written rather well but just a tad wordy.

make sure she’s fed.

To me this didn’t sound right. Perhaps change it to ‘make sure she was fed’. Or ‘I had to make sure she had enough food in her belly.’

Don't worry about authors notes. Many people put them in their works so it's perfectly allowed.

I also know how you feel about fanfiction.net, I used to use their sister site fictionpress.net and it's nothing compared to the awesomeness of this site. You'll soon see how awesome this site is.






Thank you for the review. It was very helpful. But I guess I should have mentioned what this is actually a fanfiction of. (I can't believe I forgot to do that. Fail on me...) This is a fanfiction of Teen Titans (and one or two other series that I'll reveal later on.) It may not seem like it...at all right now, but it will show in the first chapter.



Niraco says...


Teen Titans eh? I haven't watched that in years. I still stand by my statement that this sounds more like a stand alone novel which is a good thing in my books :)




I was weeping as much for him as her; we do sometimes pity creatures that have none of the feeling either for themselves or others.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights