z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Elementary (Chapter 1)

by PrehistoricEchoes


AN: Been a while XD. I've been really busy with work and school and speech and... Anyway, here's a quickly shodded together draft for a story idea I've been bumping around my head for a few weeks. Could definitely use some help with names. Anyway, here's Elementary!

________________________________________

Joshua Evers walked along the sidewalk, his eyes focused on the pavement in front of him. He tugged at his green jacket in the crisp, autumn air. He hated Avon. At least, today he did. He didn’t look at the tall, brick and stone buildings around him. They felt old, worn from centuries of use. Even the “new” skyscrapers in the center of the city seemed like ancient towers. Things in Avon were built to last. Sadly, they no longer felt welcoming to Josh. Not since he was told that he was going to that school.

He passed by several shops with large glass windows displaying a myriad of items, ranging from books and magazines to jewelry and formalwear to swords and firearms for the more adventurous individual. Josh’s mom had urged him to purchase one of the latter for when he went to school, but he declined. Weapons were not his thing. He wanted a normal life, and that was about to be denied to him.

His phone vibrated in his jacket pocket. He pulled it out and flipped the device open with a frustrated sigh. It was another message from his mom. He didn’t bother to read it. She was probably just wondering why he wasn’t home. She was the one shipping him off tomorrow. Why did she care whether or not he spent a few more hours away from the house?

Josh passed another shop, stopping when he heard shouts from within. He looked through the glass door and saw a man in a white longcoat level a gun at the cashier’s head. Several people huddled on the floor next to a shelf in fear.

“Just open the register and give me the money!” the thief shouted. “Give it to me and no one gets hurt!”

Joshua entered the store, walking slowly. The bell above the door clinked, alerting the robber to his presence. However, upon laying eyes upon the teenager, he began to laugh.

“Kid, what in Blazes made you come in here? Can’t you tell when a robbery is in progress?”

No response.

The thief shrugged. “Put it in here,” he ordered the cashier, throwing a brown bag on the counter. The cashier fearfully obliged, and the thief took the money. “So, you, uh, gonna get with the rest of them?” the robber asked, nodding to the cowering shoppers.

Josh stared at him blankly.

“Kid must be deaf or something,” the thief muttered, rolling his eyes. “Well, I’ll be on my way.” He pushed Josh out of the door and took off down the sidewalk.

The people stared at Josh, dumbfounded that he neither stopped nor moved for the armed thief. Some cursed him for not trying to stop the robbery.

Josh didn’t listen. He turned in the thief’s direction and raised his hand perpendicular to the ground. A few civilians silenced themselves when they saw a green aura swirl about his fingers.

Suddenly, the thief hit an invisible wall of high-pressure air. Josh lowered his hand, and the wall burst apart, sending the would-be robber to the ground. He rushed to his feet, dusting off his longcoat.

“Oh, so you’re one of them, eh? That doesn’t make you the blasted police!” he fired several shots. Josh ducked for cover, and - thankfully - no bullets hit him. He dashed towards the thief, using the air to push him forward at inhumanly possible speeds. Josh’s fist hit the robber’s gut like a train, knocking the wind from his lungs. The gun fell from his hands. The thief struggled to retrieve his weapon, only to have it kicked away. Josh’s tennis shoe fell on the thief’s wrist.

“So what are you going to do, huh, kid? Kill me? Vacuum the air out of my lungs or something? I’ve heard your kind do that out on the battlefield.”

Josh bit his lower lip, repressing the urge to beat the thief senseless. He bent down and pulled the money from the robber’s coat. “Would someone call the police?” he asked.

A nearby citizen obliged.

“Sir!” Josh called to the cashier, who was leaning out his door, gawking at the spectacle. A seventeen-year-old beating up an armed robber wasn’t something you saw every day. “This is yours, right?”

The cashier tentatively approached Josh, who handed the bag of money to him. “Sorry I didn’t stop him in the store. I didn’t want to make a mess.”

The attendant nodded, not sure whether to thank Josh or run. Eventually, he simply returned to his store, exchanging no words.

Two police cars, red and blue lights flashing, pulled up along the sidewalk. Armed officers in white and blue uniforms leapt from their cars, weapons raised. One of them shouted, “Kid, step away from the criminal!” Joshua obliged. The officers kept their weapons trained on him. One policeman secured the robber while the rest focused on Josh.

After loading the thief into a squadcar, an officer approached Josh slowly. “You calm, sir?” he asked. Josh could see sweat forming on his forehead. He nodded slowly, not wanting to cause a commotion. “Any weapons?”

Josh shook his head. “No, sir.”

The police officer lowered his pistol slowly. “All right. We’re going to get ahold of your parents. You’ll need to stay here and wait for her. I’ll be here to make sure you don’t do any more acts of…’heroism.’”

Josh gave the officer his mom’s phone number and sat down. The officer waited as well, eying Josh with a distrustful stare. He kept one hand firmly on his holstered pistol.

The sun was beginning to set over Avon, bathing the rooftops in crimson and orange colors when his mother finally arrived. She stormed out of the family sedan with a mixture of anger and horror dominating her features.

“This your son, ma’am?” he asked.

“I’m so sorry, Officer,” she shouted frantically. “We try to keep him out of stuff like this but - “

“It’s fine, miss,” the policeman comforted. “He just took down the man responsible for several robberies in this area. However,” his tone suddenly became darker, “the department doesn’t tolerate this kind of vigilante justice by elementals like your son. How many times has he done this sort of thing?”

Josh’s mother became flustered. “Oh, only a few times in recent memory. He’s never hurt anyone, I swear. He starts at the Academy tomorrow. Please just - “

“Again, miss, it’s fine. But if we get any more reports with him involved, he’ll be brought in for obstruction of justice and…” He glared at Josh. “Unlawful use of powers.”

The woman nodded and thanked the officer for his time. When he left, she knelt down and hugged her son. “I was so worried,” she sobbed. “Why didn’t you answer my text?”

“Because I didn’t feel like coming home,” Josh responded, frowning. “Figured you didn’t want me there anyway. Plus, you said you wanted me to help people.” He nodded towards the cashier, who was locking his store for the night. “I helped people.”

“I want you to help people, but don’t get involved with the police!” she shouted. “Helping people can be small things, not stopping an armed thief.” There was a moment of silence. Her tone lightened and she said, “I wanted you to come home because we were having a going away party. I invited all your friends and…”

Josh snorted. Friends. People he probably wouldn’t see again. The Academy didn’t exactly return students to their usual lives. It gave them “greater” destinies.

His mother sighed. “We still have some cake left, and your brother took some ‘good bye’ videos of your friends. They’ll miss you.”

She lead him into the car. He slumped into his seat, letting out an angry sigh.

“Why can’t I just stay in my school,” Josh asked. “I’m doing well. I’ve got good grades. And I don’t do what I did out there often enough to be a… a threat.”

“You’re going to the Academy because you’re…different,” his mother stated. “You’ll be among others like you. You’ll have fun, trust me.”

“Different.” The word rang out in Josh’s mind like a church bell. “Different” was code when talking about elementals. For most kids, “different” meant picked on or good at something most people weren’t. For an elemental, “different” meant one thing: “dangerous.”


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Sat Apr 19, 2014 6:01 am
Wolfi wrote a review...



Excellent! This story idea is fresh, intriguing, and understandable. The dialogue is flawless and realistic. When reading this chapter, it felt like I was reading the words of a professional and experienced author. "For an elemental, "different" meant one thing: "dangerous." This final sentence was my favorite. I'm confident you'll keep the plot engaging, but, as previous reviews have warned, be sure to keep it as original as you can. I know you have the second chapter finished and I am going to read it right after I finish this review. The Academy should be interesting!
I'm new here and I'd appreciate it if anyone who saw this could check out my prologue to my novel! Thanks!




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Fri Apr 04, 2014 4:50 am
WillowPaw1 wrote a review...



This is a VERY nice piece of work! It is intriguing and suspenseful, which of course makes me want to read more of it.
If there were any errors, I didn't catch any. Good!

Your plot:

The idea itself has been used before (I know because my friend wrote something if this sort) and mentioned by Iggy, you should make it have twists and unexpected parts in it. That way, readers will love it even more.

I got so excited when Josh used his power, and know that he's going to an Academy, well, that will be interesting! There could be romance tied into it or conflicts within the Academy or bullying or whatever, that you can relate to real life. Which is important, een though it is a fantasy story. You want the dialogue to sound realistic (unless it is some unknown language), etc.

You have a very good story, just be sure to make it ORIGINAL!

Hope I helped!

~WillowPaw1 <3




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Thu Apr 03, 2014 11:57 pm
Iggy wrote a review...



Hello! Here as requested.

First off, I didn't see any nitpicks, so that's good. We can move onto the story itself. ^^

Second, I enjoyed this very much! This does look like a sort of novel/idea that's been done before, so I advise you to be as unique and original as you can with this. For example, calling these mutants (or I assume they are mutants) "elementals" is putting your own unique twist on this, so that's good. I also like the term you chose for them. :) I hope you reveal why you chose that term sometime soon.

Third, this is off to a good start! You started this off simply, with introducing the main character and making us curious to know what the dilemma is. All we know is that Joshua doesn't want to go to a different school than the one he is at. That could mean so much. Then you throw in the robbery and how he stops it and now we see that the police consider him a threat. That makes me question why he chose to put himself in a position where he'd get in trouble, but moving on.

Then the mom comes in and we see what school he's going to. The fact that his mom is making him go invokes pity and sympathy from the reader, so that was a good way of making us connect. And finally, you end with a nice cliffhanger, so now we await chapter two. ^^

Overall, this is good! A nice beginning. Not too much was revealed, but yet you didn't keep us entirely in the dark. Your flow was smooth and the syntax was clear. Details were simple: descriptive, but not overdone. This was a beautiful beginning chapter and it was a pleasure to read. :)




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Wed Apr 02, 2014 1:36 pm
RoyalHighness wrote a review...



Okay, I forgot to submit this as a review so let's try that again.
Okay, I love this idea. I'm a huge fan of stories about people with powers and a school for those people and the hero being turned out for being weird. Love it!
I love how you mentioned the school and then put it on the shelf while you put Joshua into some action.
I like Josh's character a lot, very badass, but I think more people would relate to someone a little more flawed (other than the fact that he has supernatural powers). The outcast, delinquent kid is a little played out. Make Joshua special in a way that has nothing to do with his powers. But I like the conflict being set up already, from the start.
I like the fact that the people in the town actually know about the powers. I think in too many similar works, the conflict revolves too much around keeping the public eye away from the weridos, so this was a welcome change.
I'm excited to read the future chapters! This was really fun to read and a great potential page-turner. Keep going!






Thanks for the review! Glad to see you liked Josh's character. He'll be a bit more "flawed" as the story goes on and more traits develop. There's more to him than the first chapter can show.
Anyway, thanks again for reviewing. Hope you enjoy the next chapter!



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Wed Apr 02, 2014 6:17 am
katngo73 says...



I LOVE IT. GREAT WORK!




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Tue Apr 01, 2014 6:31 am
IamTraunt wrote a review...



Oh and - if you want me to review any other work just message me ;-)




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Tue Apr 01, 2014 6:26 am
IamTraunt wrote a review...



Hey! IamTraunt here!

Just a little mistake:

You’ll need to stay here and wait for her.

^ I don't think the policeman would have know about his mom.

Characters
Your main character, Josh, is a very realistic and life like character. Going to this Academy seems to me like some superhuman boarding school, and you presented Josh's feelings very well. You showed how much he wanted to be normal and wanted a normal life, but he can't. I can imagine Josh's mom being this hysterical 'why did you do this?' sort of mom who is more concerned over him getting hurt than anything else. Well done!

Dialogue
Also, your dialogue is how one human one would speak to another. Especially mom and Josh. How is mom reassures him it'll be fun and he'll be fine is what a mother would say to their child, so well done! I can just imagine them talking, mom being all positive and Josh looking glum. There are some little things you need to correct, like quotation marks that are spaced out or the wrong way, but that's no biggie.

Overall
I enjoyed your story. I was intrigued right from the beginning how people lived and how they were different, I especially love:
He passed by several shops with large glass windows displaying a myriad of items, ranging from books and magazines to jewelry and formalwear to swords and firearms for the more adventurous individual.

You see all these normal items and then suddenly spot some weapons in the window :-D I find that funny!
Although I enjoyed your chapter I wished you'd talked more about the Academy. But your ending was great!






Thanks for the review. I'm glad the character came across for you. I got kind of worried writing his character at first, since realism can be hard to convey. As for the academy, I'm saving that for the next chapter, since there's a lot that would go on there and it'd be best to keep it mysterious, I think.

Hopefully I can keep the realism up through the rest of the idea, since it gets a lot...crazier the further along the story.



IamTraunt says...


I'm sure you will be able to keep up realism! I will look forward to reading on and see what the Academy is like! I'm sure you will describe it well!



IamTraunt says...


I'm sure you will be able to keep up realism! I will look forward to reading on and see what the Academy is like! I'm sure you will describe it well!




mashed potatoes are v a l i d
— Liminality