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Young Writers Society


18+ Language

On Happy (1)

by Sassafras


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

The Bliss Molecule

“What's he takin'?”

The whole room paused. Wesley rolled his head, sloppy smile plastered on his face, unwavering. He made to fall, but Parish's white knuckled grip on the back of his shirt held him aloft, refused him the comfort of face-down on the soft, dirty carpet. The room tried to pretend they didn't notice the duo in the doorway, but were collectively bad liars and instead highlighted their presence with spotlights of forced ignorance. Someone tried to press play, moved to grab a needle, but made the mistake of catching Parish's glower and retracted his gnarled hand.

“What is he on?”

Every syllable was an accusation. A couple folded together on the sofa lowered their eyes in guilt, one pushed a pill bottle into the crevice between the cushion. His shifting eyes betrayed every movement. Wesley let out a weak laugh and tried again to collapse – he couldn't dream while upright and fantasy was of the essence – but Parish yanked him to the tips of his toes, perhaps with more force than necessary. Wes' smile faltered just a bit from the agitation, and his eyes cleared partially only to cloud again after slurring “What's a' matter?”.

“He's been like this for three hours, what the fuck is he takin'? What did you inbreds give him?!”

A brunette rose slowly from their seat, eying the back door, trying to slink silently out of the room. Parish couldn't distinguish a gender underneath the mat of hair covering their face or the baggy clothes hiding their frame. Opting for male, as not to feel too bad afterward, he threw Wesley on the floor and seized the brunette by the collar. His knife was pressed to their throat – Adam's apple? - before the brunette could even make up their mind to bolt.

“Name.”

“J-Johnny.”

“Good.”

Parish pushed his knife just past the barrier of skin. Red pooled around the tip before gliding down, gathering sweat drops that furthered its journey to the hollow of the collarbone. Their eyes met, a test. 'How dumb are you, really,' he wanted to ask. Seconds ticked by, slow as Monday; this was a timed exam whether Johnny knew it or not. The room was suspended in the midst of action, spurred by Johnny's capture but stalled again by sheer anticipation of fear. Parish ticked down the time limit in his head. Three, two...

“Endo.”

“Endo?!”

The room cried out in in horror and re-animated. A few brave souls made a break for the door, others contemplated escape but decided against the risk of being recovered. A chorus of “Idiot” and “Flithy, snitching rat” rose to the ceiling like a tidal wave and stopped in the same manner. Parish battled the muscles in his wrist against flexing and eventually lowered his arm before he could lose the fight. Johnny scrambled away from the threat of mutilation only to fall backwards into the possibility of murder. He didn't have a single friend left. The room parted around him, accusing eyes burned “traitor” into his skin as if they wouldn't give under the same pressures.

Parish pressed the heel of his hand to his forehead and bit down on his lip to keep his anger from spilling out of his throat. He paced a plan into the floor, tried to beat an idea out of his temples with the butt of his knife, to coax any sort of sense out of the situation, but came up with only blank slates and loose ends. It didn't add up.

“How did degenerates like y'all get your hands on Endo? And how the fuck did you get it to my brother?”

Parish's voice rose with every word until his anger was vibrating off the walls and ringing in the air. He risked a glance at Wesley sprawled on the floor like a discarded doll, giggling mad, but felt the pressure rising in his veins and had to turn away. Johnny almost dared to answer but a glare from a stringy blonde laid out on an arm chair muted him. Wesley was a regular at their hole, but they respected him enough – and feared Parish even more – to keep his frequency quiet even though they all knew he had a special place reserved on the loveseat. Underneath the cushions, the pill bottle burned.

Parish continued to try and force understanding. Endo costs a fortune out of the pharmacy, factor in the price of handling plus hikes from demand and there was no way they could afford it. He couldn't even begin to think of a price range.

“You can't get that shit without papers anyway,” he mused to himself. “Not enough to distribute. It can't be pure. No way in hell...”

Parish whipped around and scooped his brother off the floor. The slamming door punctuated their retreat. The room waited a beat before moving again.

“We've got to start locking that door,” half of the couple mumbled while unfolding herself.

The room agreed.

----

A/N: This draft is so rough I'm almost embarrassed to have it published. But there it is. Tear it apart.


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933 Reviews


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Thu Apr 03, 2014 10:03 pm
Iggy wrote a review...



Hey love! It's your loyal Sage here to review.

A nitpick:

Wesley rolled his head, a sloppy smile plastered on his face, unwavering.


Add in the bolded word.


Alright! So let's begin.

First off, for a rough draft, this was pretty good! Well-written, nice flow, lots of action so the reader would never get bored. You gave a couple tidbits of information, but didn't reveal all of it, so the entire thing wasn't spoiled for us.

Second, I'm adoring the whole concept of this. Drugs that make people feel emotions. That's pretty awesome. You did a nice job of introducing Endo without actually telling us all about it, and leaving us with a cliffhanger, trying to guess what it is. Also, I'm figuring that this is a dystopian novel, so I look forward to how you portray this society. :)

Overall, I'm going to enjoy this! You have a nice start going, so don't give up. :) The pace was steady, the action was described beautifully, nothing was too overdone or too underdone. There was a lot packed into one small chapter, and so we were informed of quite a bit but not of everything. This was nicely written and I look forward to reading more. :D




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Thu Apr 03, 2014 11:06 am
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Auxiira wrote a review...



Yo, hey there, Rice! How's you, girl?
Anyhow, I'm here to review this for you.

I love how you start this. Immedia-stress is one of my favorite ways to start! ^^ And accent inclusion, ya~y.

A few nitpicks:
-For me it should be "refusing him the comfort of the soft, dirty carpet", but then your choice.
-

Endo costs a fortune out of the pharmacy,
tenses, dearie. It should be cost.

Even though this is a very rough draft, I find it pretty good! I'd recommend you look through it again, and edit it to your desire, but I don't actually find much to change.
I quite like the idea of starting in a drug den with an unknown very strong drug they somehow got their hands on. Veeeery intruiging.

I'm going to guess that more character development comes soon, and we get to know more about Endo. I also like the fact that we can't tell if Johnny's a girl or a boy at first.

Do keep me posted for the next chapter, I want to know moooore!

Hope I helped and keep writing~
Auxii ^^




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Wed Apr 02, 2014 8:51 pm
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RoyalHighness wrote a review...



RoyalHighness has arrived to review!
Yes, it's a tad rough but you don't give yourself enough credit. I'll be gentle but honest.
From the beginning, you had me hooked. Great job starting in media res. It was impossible to stop reading once I started, but there were a few patches that need some work.
The names are cool, but the characters are two-dimensional. If you're thinking about fleshing this out into a book, you need to give me some more insight as to why Wesley is in this place, why Parish is so angry, and why Johnny decides to rat. What's going through their minds? You have the action down, now give me the thought processes. What happened to these people to make them the way they are?
I love the descriptions. I can literally see everything in my head, all the people, the drugs, the room, the action going on.
But I think the scene between Johnny and Parish with the knife ran just a little too long. Also, I couldn't tell who said "endo," so when everyone started hating on Johnny, I had to go back and re-read to find out why. Make that whole thing a little shorter, a little clearer.
It took me a while to connect Wesley to Parish. You may want to establish that relationship a little earlier, because I couldn't make out why Parish was so upset until about halfway through.
I love when everyone starts yelling, the way you describe the voices and the action. It's just perfect.
The ending, too, is really funny, and leaves me wanting more but honestly not wanting that much more. Does that make sense? If you add a little more to the characters, give meaning to the scenario and the action, then I'd really want to know what happens. But right now, I'm just kinda like meh, if they die, I wouldn't cry. Make me cry.
NEVER BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT YOUR WORK. It's not nearly as bad as you think. I like it a lot. Edit, come back to it, because I want to keep reading.
Overall, I give this three stars out of five, because you're on the right track, but you just need a little fine tuning. Good job!





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