Liar, Liar

You spinned a web of lies so thick,
The truth couldn’t break through.
But now that they’ve come looking,
They all believe in you.

As you sit on your throne of lies,
The spider in its web.
I cannot believe my eyes,
And I’m screaming,
screaming out the truth,
but they all believe in you

They all call me the liar
Their hatred for me as thick as ice
You didn’t mean to hurt me
But now I’m paying the price

But I know what happened that night,
He was drunk, lashing out
He was crazy,
Fooling about

Then it went too far,
It had to stop
And it was you.
You were the one who made it stop

I saw you drive the knife through his heart
Your tears mixed in with the blood,
It was as if you were killed and torn apart
You put the beast down.

But now on your thrown of lies,
You must watch me die.

Comments

Points: 2830
Reviews: 74

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Wed Mar 26, 2014 10:06 pm

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Omi1 wrote a review...

To begin... That was a great poem! Your writing style is unique and enthralling. And as for the emotion, I have to say that is your strongest point. The characters seem so real and the narrator seems so despondent, but at the same time bitter, that as the reader I was enticed to read more. Adding to that, your diction really helped bring this poem to life.

How to improve...

I cannot believe my eyes,

When you read this part out loud with the rest of the stanza, it sounds slightly off... I would suggest condensing "I cannot" to "I can't". It's probably just me, but I very rarely say "I cannot"
...in my mind, "cannot" just doesn't fit the context your going for.

They all call me the liar
Their hatred for me as thick as ice

Shouldn't "Their hatred for me as thick as ice" be "Their hatred for me is as thick as ice". I understand what you're going for by leaving out the "is" but, it just doesn't sound right.

He was drunk, lashing out
He was crazy,
Fooling about

This just flows splendidly! Not at all because I think it's cool that some guy is drunk, but because so far the entire poem followed a structure or scheme, but with this there is no structure. This technique draws attention to the part of the story. It introduced the conflict and the reason behind the lies.

Then it went too far,
It had to stop
And it was you.
You were the one who made it stop

I think I have an understanding of what's going on, but it is vague...what had to stop? how did they make it stop? At this point in the poem, being too vague takes away from of the emotion and could potentially confuse your reader.

It was as if you were killed and torn apart
You put the beast down.

why did the antagonist kill the guy? why is he now called a beast? This is were things get really confusing...still very well written, but confusing, almost like you're missing a few stanza's.

Coming to the end of the poem, I still don't understand what happened. At first I thought the antagonist had done something stupid with a guy the protagonist liked, but then the antagonist killed the guy...? Why? Could you elaborate?

Well, I hope this helped somewhat... I tend to be overly critical and nitpicky, but I promise that I really did like your poem!

Utopia says...

Thank you for the review! I can see now how it can be a little hard to grip. The person I labeled as 'he' is the drunk person and he was going crazy, too crazy. Soon it got out of hand and the liar stabbed him then blamed it on the main character. And 'you put the beast down' is an expression, but I can see what your saying and will change the poem as soon as possible.

Omi1 says...

Ok, that's makes sense, thanks!

Points: 830
Reviews: 208

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Wed Mar 26, 2014 8:36 pm

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rhiasofia wrote a review...

Hello, Rhia here to review!

Nitpicks first:

You spinned a web of lies so thick,

spinned should be spun

But now on your thrown of lies,

It's spelled "throne", not "thrown"

I think that the italics makes this very distracting, italics are meant to be used to emphasize certain things. This just hurts my eyes.

Alsso, you kinda use periods at times to end sentences, and then others are clearly stand alone sentences that have no end punctuation. You can choose to have or not have end punctuation, but whichever you choose should be consistent throughout.

Utopia says...

Thanks for the review. I never realized those mistakes and will change them as soon as possible. I agree with the italics and will try to change them too.

Points: 67548
Reviews: 1634

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Wed Mar 26, 2014 5:13 pm

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Deanie wrote a review...

Hey sis!

Whoa... I didn't know you wrote stuff like this! You're such a happy and bubbly person it's so surprising to see you writing something so dark and wowzee... but it's good! It's really good! And you were the one who told me not to post it for you because it was rubbish haha >.< I think it's brilliant. You managed to tell a story for it. And I love love LOVE the beginning the most. You hint at the mystery of what actually happened, and we can already see she's taking the blame and someone else is lying for her. For some reason I see that persona as male. And you bring across her emotions of betrayal so well, you had perfect wording choice at the beginning.

I really really liked your rhyming scheme. It was a bit random in some places, but for me it worked with it. It flowed with the rhythm and it was nice pacing. I liked it ^^ Now for some points to improve.

But now I’m paying the price

But I know what happened that night,
He was drunk, lashing out
He was crazy,
Fooling about

But and but. You've used them twice really close together and it might be nice to put some variation in there. So maybe you don't even need the but in the second stanza at all. Maybe just start with the I know what happened.... immediately. Nice rhyming scheme here as well

You put bluntly without going into too much detail what was going on that provoked whatever action comes next. It leaves the reader to imagine what the 'fooling about' could've meant.

Then it went too far,
It had to stop
And it was you.
You were the one who made it stop

Again, it's the repeating of the word too close together that I didn't really like. It had to end, or some other synonym might fit in well here. You should try to find one for the second line, because I like how they fourth one ends on stop, so the reader stresses it a bit more.

I saw you drive the knife through his heart
Your tears mixed in with the blood,
It was as if you were killed and torn apart
You put the beast down.

Eeeh not sure how I feel about this. I like the first line and the second on is good. But if you worded it like 'your tears dripping in his blood' I like it more because it makes the line more personal. It's not the blood by his blood! Argh! It's so terrible and personal now, if you see what I mean.

And the last two lines in this stanza should be: It was as if you were killed and torn apart
when you put the beast down. Otherwise it sounds a bit too blunt for what we're dealing with here, and more unfeeling.

But now on your thrown of lies,
You must watch me die.

WHAT?! This surprised me so much. I liked the first line to the end, but the second one? Why is she dying? Maybe you should make it more like he's looking down at her from his high thrown and watching her be dragged away carrying the blame or something. So like, for example: But now on your thrown of lies,
So higher up than this deep pit
You watch me walk away, head hung
shoulders drooping with the weight of blame.

Or something. Make something more emotional and concluding to your poem.
That's all the feedback I have! I hope you enjoy editing on your computer ^^

Deanie x

Points: 2117
Reviews: 159

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Wed Mar 26, 2014 3:49 pm

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Skydreamer wrote a review...

hi!

I find it kinda sad that your lovely piece of poetry did not get many reviews, so I will add another review to the mix.

Since you have stanza's I'll do my stanza by stanza thing. I will also do an overall at the end.

[S = Stanza]

S1

I like this start, I think the words you used are generally associated with deceit and evil, but I like how you used them nevertheless. I think that it shows you have great writing skills! I really liked this line:

But now that they’ve come looking,
They all believe in you.

I think that I liked it because of the mystery it holds, the mystery that I know will be reveled at the end of this poem, which means that you have your reader hooked by the first stanza, smart move.

S2

I like this stanza a well, and I understand your effect in ending with the same statement as you did in the first stanza, but I think it may have worked against you. It just kind of threw off the flow because you never repeated it again after this stanza. That said this stanza was great cause you continued on with the whole spider web theme and continued to keep your reader interested. And you were telling a story, the thing I believe poetry does best.

S3

I have a suggestion with this stanza, I think cutting sentences up, helps with suspense.

this one:

Their hatred for me as thick as ice

could be: Their hatred for me, is thick as ice. Or Their hatred for me; thick as ice.

Just something to make it break up could make it flow smoother. This is just a suggestion though.

Good rhyming to end it.

S4

I understand you are continuing with the story, but I found this stanza a little too different from the styles of the other stanza's. Is there a way to lengthen this stanza so that it flows with the rest of the stanzas? I don't' have any direct examples, but is there a word or two you could add?

S5

I have to say that I do this a lot. It's something I struggled with, you kind of completely changed your rhyming scheme. I think at times it's okay, but in this case it would have been great to find a rhyme for this stanza. Also I noticed that the tone changed with this stanza as well. The tone used to be more grandiloquent and then it turned into more like an everyday tone. I think it's best to stick with the tone you had going.

S6

This line needs to be changed:

It was as if you were killed and torn apart

Or edited. For the most part I think it's hard to understand. Also, I think it doesn't make sense with your next line "You put the beast down" here are some sugestions:

"It was as if you killed and were torn apart"

"It was as if you killed and tore apart"

And then...

"You finally put the beast down"

I like your ending I don't think there's anything wrong with it and it ties it out pretty well.

Overall

I like your poetry, I like your style and I wish more people would pay attention to this classic poetry, but all poetry is beautiful when it tells a story. When it expresses something. And I felt you did that, you expressed feeling and you told a story, I could understand your characters point. I think you did a great job. The only thing is to watch your rhyme scheme and tone. With that you'll be excellent!

~Keep writing and keep dreaming.

Utopia says...

Thank you for the very helpful review. It is hard sometimes to keep the tone of a poem going through the whole thing, but I will try. I'll edit the poem as soon as possible as well.

Points: 240
Reviews: 9

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Tue Mar 25, 2014 7:32 pm

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MBrooks says...

Hello

"But I know what happened that night,
He was drunk, lashing out
He was crazy,
Fooling about"

This sounds like a very dramatic work, and also kind of 'childish' but in a good way.
Only because it's in a kind of song form and there's nothing wrong with that.

Your ideas are presented clearly though. So that's good.

Utopia says...

Thank you for the points and the feedback. I wasn't sure about posting this at first because I too thought it was 'childish' but it turned out to be okay.

Points: 28237
Reviews: 363

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Tue Mar 25, 2014 5:47 pm

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DreamWork wrote a review...

Hello there, dream with a quick review on your wonderful poem.
Honestly, I was quite impressed with the first stanza in your poem. I think you have a very strong idea to convey through the stanza based on the spider web(metaphor); really it was nice to read. But then the next stanzas become a quite messy with unstructured messages/ ideas. And it was a bit confusing to put the character and storyline there. I think it would work better if you will stick to the style in the first stanza. Overall, I can see the potential on your poem, with a bit improvement it will be more interesting to read . Keep writing!
* Sorry it's been a long...long time I don't write a poetry review and pardon me if I did any typo, well I am using my phone. Again, I hope I'd helped you. Happy writing, cheers!

Utopia says...

Thank you for the review! I also think that apart from he second and third stanza the poem was kind of forced, but I'm working on it.

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Liar, Liar

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