z

Young Writers Society


12+ Language Violence Mature Content

Chapter 1 Part 1

by BlackBunny1998


7 days ago…

I was combing my black hair in front of my mirror as I was dressed perfectly in my black leather jacket and my pink sleeveless dress. I walked one foot step out of my apartment door with my backpack on me as I locked my door with my keys. I started walking patiently. It was 7:16am.

By the time I got out of the Manor Apartment, Maryl appeared.

Without even knowing that she was standing right at my left, Maryl started socking my shoulder and counted from 1 to 14, because today is my 14th birthday. Then, she gave me an extra pain in the shoulder for good luck by pinching it very hard.

“One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Seven! Eight! Nine! Ten! Eleven! Twelve! Thirteen! Fourteen! And fifteen for good luck!”

“Owww! I wished I met you before the day of YOUR fourteenth birthday, Maryl!”

“Don’t worry~! I know you can wait for 238 days. Also, I got you something—so close your eyes!”

I closed my eyes, and while they were shut, my friend made me hold onto one thing from each hand.

“Now open them,”

I opened my eyes. From my left hand, I was holding onto a present inside a red gift bag with a black ribbon attached to it. And from my right hand, I was holding onto a bouquet of flowers.

“Awww thank you, Maryl.” I smiled.

“Look what’s inside the gift bag,” Maryl replied.

I looked inside the gift bag. What was inside was a pink stuffed bunny with black buttons as eyes and a black glittery ribbon around its neck, 3 rice balls all wrapped up with plastic wrap, Starburst candies, and a card.

Maryl pulls out a card from the bag. From the front design of the card, it had a Chibi drawing of the two of us. I was dressed up as a pink bunny, and Maryl was dressed up as a purple cat. In the border of the card, there were sweets and pastries drawn on them. In the background, the stripes were colored with light pink and bright pink.

When Maryl opens up the card, there was a letter written in purple ink.

I started reading the letter she wrote.

Dear Celina,

I know how old you are now! You’re 7! No, no…You’re 2 years old! Nah, I’m kidding! On Facebook, it says that you are 16. You are not 16, you lying-ass bitch! xD You know how I always am. I only do this for the greater good. Celina, you’re the bestest friend I can ever ask for :’D

Remember how Nkechi and I were helping you on learning how to ride a skateboard at the Avalon Park? Felix pushed you down while you were standing on it! You were like a baby just sitting still on a baby carriage! Ah, good times…good times…

Today, we have so many things to do. We have Club Grub Day, and you are gonna be a fatass because we’re all gonna feed you with cookies and shit! xD And tonight, we have a big surprise for you at the Hawthorne Broadway Mall. Happy Birthday, Celina! I HATE YOU AND I HOPE YOU DIE (I LOVE YOU AND HAVE A GREAT DAY)!

Love,

Maryl

“Awww, Maryl…I think I’m gonna cry,”

“What do you want me to do? Laugh? Now c’mon, we’re heading to school.”

“Okay.”

Maryl and I both head across the streets.

“I bet that one of our friends are gonna end up socking me as well.”

“Pshh! If they hurt you, I’ll hurt them!”

“Awww~!”

“Shut up! It’s not like I don’t want you to get hurt!”

I started chuckling.

“What’s so funny!?”

“Samantha’s right! You DO sound like a Tsundere!”

“Jesus Christ!”

“Celina!”

Maryl and I heard a voice behind us.

We looked back, and we see Nathale running to us, but mostly up to me. She picks me up and spins me around with full of joy.

“Happy Birthday, Celina!”

“Thanks, Nathale.” I smiled.

“Fine! Don’t say hi to me, Nathale.” Maryl turned away, and crossed her arms.

Without her looking, Nathale puts me down, picks up Maryl, and spins her around.

“Hey, lemme go! Lemme go, dammit!” Maryl shouted.

Nathale puts Maryl down.

“Celina, I got you something.” Nathale said to me.

“What did you get me?”

“Close your eyes.”

I closed my eyes.

“Lemme hold onto that for a sec,” Maryl grabs my gift bag and flowers from both my hands.

Nathale handed something 2 things to me

“You can open them now,” Nathale commanded.

I opened them, and I was holding onto a shaped gummy bunny jar with artificial and colorful gummy bunnies inside it. Above the jar, there was another birthday card. The front design had a bunny with a birthday hat. The words above it said ‘Happy Birthday, Lil’ Sis!’

“Thank you, Nathale—but aren’t you supposed to be at school?” I asked.

“Oh, jeez! You’re right! See ya later, Celina and Maryl!” Nathale dashed away from us while waving back at us at the same time.

“Okay, let’s keep going.” I said to Maryl.

“But what about the-?”

I was pretty sure that Maryl is referring her question to the card Nathale gave me; so, I nibbled it to my mouth without using my teeth.

“Nevermind…”

“Like what I said, let’s keep going.” I mumbled.

We both finally made it to our spot. Maryl set down the gifts she gave me on the red bench; I did the same with Nathale’s gift.

“Man, I hate people!” Maryl shouted.

“But I’m a person too…”

“You’re not a person. You’re useless furniture,”

“Hauuu~” I puffed my cheeks.

I took out Nathale’s card from my mouth, and I opened the card to see what was inside it. There was a letter inside the card, written in black and blue ink.

I started reading it out loud.

Dear Celina,

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! I can’t believe today is the day my lil’ sis turns 14! I know how we’re not related by blood, but never forget that you’ll always be my little sister no matter what. Just for a heads up, we all have something big for you at the Hawthorne Broadway Mall.

Celina, out of all our friends, you are the most important friend I ever met! You’re really nice, sweet, beautiful, and I would die for you. You’re like a lil’ sis to me, and I love you so much! I shall see you soon, little one :)

From,

Big Sis Nathale

“Awww…” I said.

“Are you always gonna say that whenever someone gets you a gift?”

“Yes,” I started giggling.

A ringtone came from Maryl’s phone.

“Hey, someone’s calling me. I’ll be right back,” Maryl said to me.

“Okay,” I responded.

After Maryl hurried off to answer her phone, there was moment of silence. I sat down at the bench as the quietness kept going.

Today seems going good by so far…Wait a minute...Why am I feeling so woozy? I just woke up like 2 hours ago…I think I should rest for a little while…

I put my head down on top of the bench.

I opened my eyes, and I then realized that I wasn't in Hawthorne anymore.

I also realized that I am dressed in an all black outfit. I was wearing a sleeveless vest with a big zipper, a black bandeau, black leather fingerless gloves, black shorts with black leg warmers attached to it, and black shoes. My hair was also covering my right eye.

In front of me, a bunch of people were all running by me in panic and fear.

“Run, everyone!”

“We’re gonna die!”

“Don’t let them take my kids away!”

I was very confused, and I started looking around for Maryl.

“Maryl? Maryl, where are you!?” I asked.

“Celina, look out behind you!”

An anonymous person called out to me, and when I looked behind me, I saw a huge, yellow school bus flying towards me, as if it had been tossed like a toy. With full of shock and terror on me, I covered myself by using both my arms as my shields.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
47 Reviews


Points: 1001
Reviews: 47

Donate
Sun Mar 30, 2014 8:11 am
View Likes
LemisaLeaZeor wrote a review...



Hi LLZ here!
I thought that your writing is very interesting and I love the story line.
Though at some times I got confused with who was talking, but overall I enjoyed it.
At first the story was hooking me into the story, then it seemed to lose its touch with all the dialogue. Luckily the ending definitely grabbed my attention, especially since it was left on a cliff hanger. Normally I hate cliff hangers, but you made it work well with this story! : )

"I was combing my black hair in front of my mirror as I was dressed perfectly in my black leather jacket and my pink sleeveless dress. I walked one foot step out of my apartment door with my backpack on me as I locked my door with my keys. I started walking patiently. It was 7:16am."

Ways you could improve this paragraph:

"I combed back my raven hair, in front of my mirror. I was dressed in my black leather jacket and pink sleeveless dress. Walking one step out of my apartment door- making sure I had my backpack on me- I locked the door with my keys. I started walking at a steady pace. It was 7:16am."

In the first two lines try not to use "as" both times and try experiment with the sentence structure to make them more interesting. Instead of over using "as" and "I."

Using a short sentence, like you did at the end of the paragraph, made it effective and kept me hook wondering why you mentioned it. Was there any specific reason you had to leave at that time and where were you going?

"An anonymous person called out to me, and when I looked behind me, I saw a huge, yellow school bus flying towards me, as if it had been tossed like a toy. With full of shock and terror on me, I covered myself by using both my arms as my shields."

I liked this ending paragraph, as you left it on a cliff hanger. Making the reader want to read more to find where you ended up. It kept me hooked.

Good job and keep on writing. :D

From LLZ




User avatar
301 Reviews


Points: 20262
Reviews: 301

Donate
Sun Mar 30, 2014 3:18 am
View Likes
Snowery wrote a review...



Hey Blackbunny!! :) Silver here for the scarlett swords this review day.

First of all welcome to YWS!! :D

Your story so far while not gripping has been interesting. You have good dialogue and your characters seem well developed. Your ending was a nice cliffhanger. I can only presume that it's either a premonition or she's somehow mentally transported to wherever she is :P

Some things I'd like to point out are:

I was combing my black hair in front of my mirror as I was dressed perfectly in my black leather jacket and my pink sleeveless dress.


Instead of saying as I was I would actually cut that out. It helps with sentence fluidity and makes more grammatical sense.

I walked one foot step out of my apartment door with my backpack on me as I locked my door with my keys.


There are a few things with this sentence.

1) You don't have to say "my" all the time. It get's repetitive. Sometimes you can "the" instead.

2) my keys is sort of a spare tyre here, I mean what else would she lock her door with?

3)I walked one foot step out of my apartment door I really didn't understand what you were trying to say here. She walked out of her apartment door? Or did she put one foot step out of her apartment door? It's confusing.

Without even knowing that she was standing right at my left,

This would sound better as: "Without realising that she was standing to my left"

Overall, good job and it's an interesting beginning. I look forward to seeing more from you!! Happy writing!! :) :)




User avatar
6 Reviews


Points: 343
Reviews: 6

Donate
Sun Mar 23, 2014 3:25 am
View Likes
Lithor says...



Really great start so far! I loved the variation of characters, especially Maryl's personality. My suggestion to you is to use A LOT of descriptive adjectives. But, what do I know?! I'm totally new to this and have published only one story, so don't give up!





There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.
— Maya Angelou