z

Young Writers Society


12+

Watch

by Blackwood


Watch

_________________________________________________________________________________

Time-lines

Everyone has one.

They move and intertwine across the dimensions of time, building up upon one another, layering, conflicting, interweaving. A never-ending web, with no end nor no beginning, each strand connected to one person.

Yet what if you could harness this strand? See this strand? Watch this strand. Everything that’s been and everything that’s yet to come.

Watching.

.

It has come to be called ‘Watching’, the word for future seeing.

Extraction methods have been invented that link to one persons consciousness and extract their entire story, past, present and future, into a single system which can then be Watched.

At first the whole system was highly popular. A real phenomenon. Although it was never released to the public, the fact that it existed was painted all across the media. The result was a surge of public demand, press pressure, wild notions of each and every individual to hear of its being. The future was literally here.

But for reasons which are not difficult to deduce, the whole system of Watching was deemed illegal in short time. Scientists were forbidden to follow its research, televisions, internet, radios, publications, all forbidden to even think of it. It was the most illicit thing on the planet.

And to add, the most illicit thing on the black market. With every illegal substance comes a corporation to supply one with the means of obtaining it.

Dealing with Watching was no petty ordeal. One first had to be able to obtain the resources deemed ‘unobtainable’ by the government after it had been outlawed. Secondly the entire syndicate was a prestige in its own. A highly operational business that worked in illegal terms right underneath the legal man’s nose. A team of powerful ‘Bosses’ ran the system across their own branches of area, recruiting only the most trusted, and the most worthy, to supply the footage to clients with the most money.

.

I check my watch, just as I had. 4:23. Right on, the second hand just passing the twelve.

I take the concrete steps leading down to the entrance of the towering glass office tower, a black pillar against the blue clouds and grey horizon. The heels of my new shoes deliver a clean, satisfying clunk as they tap against the solid surface. I proceed, setting my feet in time until I reach the sliding doors into the sleek black shine of the building.

I glance around briefly after passing the automated glass. the foyer is burning with the silence of air conditioning which is accompanied only by distant footsteps. Everything about the interior is dark and glossy. The modern marble reflect my clean pressed trouser of business attire in its textured sheen.

I pick up my pace, the Boss is expecting me. I know what I have to do, I know where I have to go. One of the key attributes of an employee of this association is that each are entitled to Watch.

One may expect that is is the far future, or the nostalgic past that greatly appeal to being Watched, but in the company, it is only the near present that the employees are supplied on a daily basis. Even then, the days are strictly only watched until a certain point. For me in this case, I had stopped Watching at 4:30.

In general it’s all procedural, planned out. Each employee, each Boss, each client. That’s the beauty of organized crime. There are no flaws, no mistakes, everything happens for a reason.

There is a small kiosk set at the end of the foyer in which I remember I have to check. I step up to it and a suited woman glances up at me, her face drooping into a smile. Her under eyes are bagged and red, and her expression seems lost. On the surface in front of her seems to be a tack of plastic encased paper packs. I pick one up, turning it over.

“Am I supposed to take one of these?”

“Only if you want to.” Is her drawled reply.

I am confused at these words, and flip the paper up to my face it peer through the plastic.

I slam it down back against the kiosk.

“This is the New Drug, isn’t it?”

Our business does not solely specialise in Watching. Illegal services and illicit substances such as the development of drugs and their distribution are a key component to the funding. The New Drug, as it was, was a new and powerful calming substance, or hallucinative, that had yet to be named. Like all services, it was complementary to employees.

The woman does not reply, but instead lets out a sighful laugh. She is clearly under the influence.

“I am not interested in addictive. Thank you.” I conclude.

She doesn’t respond and I decide to forget it and proceed further into the offices where I have been summoned. The time is 4:29.

I prepare my key card and clench my leather case as I approach the elevator dock. I have been summoned to an exclusive floor today, which means something big, perhaps there will be a special progression in my career.

I skip forward a little faster as so not to miss the elevator, as it is already being boarded as I arrive. Someone puts their foot out to stop the door as so to let me enter.

“You almost missed it. We were waiting.”

I inspect the other passengers. Three other people. Two women and a man. I recognize them as the other who have been summoned. The first woman, who spoke, looks very similar to the one at the kiosk, and I can’t quite put my finger on it. Their hair, and build are different, but the way their hold themselves, the expression on their face, the droop of their smile, is almost identical.

The New Drug.

This woman too was under the influence. It seemed strange; unprofessional. We were to attend the exclusive floor, even if she was supplied it at the kiosk, why would she take it straight away? And the effects had dropped in so rapidly.

I peer up to the very tall man near the back of the elevator. His eyes are red and cheeks bright, but his lips remain still and unsmiling. He reeks of a similar drug.

The third woman is the most agitated of the lot. She is older, and has dark brown hair, pulled into a bun that is falling apart. Her hands are clenched on her cheeks.

“Did you Watch this morning?”

My eyes are pulled away from staring by the other,first woman’s voice, it’s heavy and lazy. In reply I nod.

“They gave us extra footage did you see, about 20 minutes. If it was a mistake the technician will really get it. Did you watch it?”

The doors close and I check my watch. 4:32.

“No. I only watched up to the allocated time, just now. I haven’t Watched here yet. We are not supposed to view more than what’s allocated.”

The woman smiles and waves one of the pages of New Drug in front of my face. I flinch.

“Figures.” She turns first to the tall man then to the bunned woman, then back to me. “Well, we all have.”

The elevator begins to rise.

The loose bunned woman suddenly wails. A real nasty scream that fills up the entire compartment. I am taken by shock and when she doesn’t stop, ask her to, but she ignores me.

“Why is she doing that!?” I cry to the others. “Is she afraid of elevators. It’s not like it’s going to crash.”

The droopy woman just shrugs, and the man presses his lips together. I focus back to the wailing woman. Her eyes are wide and fresh, but alive and conscious. She doesn’t seem to be under the influence of anything.

The elevator slows, and seems to jump upwards for a second. I catch the failing at its edge, and the droopy woman takes this opportunity to speak in my ear so I can hear above the railing.

“She’s screaming, because she’s the only one who survives.”

What? What??

“What!?”

The woman grins. “We Watched.”

The elevator lurches. We stumble.

No.

No. No. No. I didn’t Watch up to here. The droopy woman has started to wave the drug paper around and laugh loudly. The man giggles without sound. The wailing woman grows louder, her voice cutting my ears in its terror.

No! I won’t... I won’t! I won’t die. I cling to the railing as the elevator shakes and lurches.

Then it plunges.

I feel my body lift, my stomach floats. No is the words on my lips. No is the words I scream. I will survive. The man and the woman have taken the wailing woman in their arms to try and calm her down. The vision only lasts a second before the moment of impact. Before the moment our bones are smashed against the ceiling. Before the moment of silence.

Before the moment of dull, endless, monotone.

Everything is simply none.


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530 Reviews


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Mon Mar 31, 2014 9:44 pm
Renard wrote a review...



Heyo!

"Time-lines

Everyone has one."

Awesome opening line! It reminded me a bit of one of those documentaries that like blow your mind; and the writing in this piece was just like that. :D
At first, I thought it was going to be a factual piece, but it quickly developed: "It has come to be called ‘Watching’, the word for future seeing."

I also think the way you have coined this is really clever. You haven't invented the idea per se. But you have reinvented it and made it your own. :)

This work was great, if I were to suggest improvements, I would say:
-"“They gave us extra footage did you see, about 20 minutes. If it was a mistake the technician will really get it. Did you watch it?”" - you need some more speech tags on the end of this so it makes more sense and there is something more relatable for the reader.
-"No is the words on my lips." - sometimes the grammatical construction does not always seem accurate.
This may be done purposefully, so I am a little hesitant to comment.

Overall, thoroughly impressed by this. :)
Well done. XD




Blackwood says...


Happy you liked it.





Awww :) -*hug*



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Fri Mar 21, 2014 1:47 am
BluesClues wrote a review...



Wow...cool.

I just have a few nitpicks and things like that. I think the explanation of Watching was very well done, including its illegality...although I'm a bit skeptical of a corporation that provides a bunch of product to its employees at no charge. (Which might be why I'm sitting here wondering if the corporation planned this death, but probably it really was just a faulty elevator, eh?)

"Dealing with Watching was no petty ordeal."--From the later sentences I worked out that you meant "procuring the things needed for Watching and then going through the process of Watching," but the original sentence saying "dealing with" confused me.

In addition, I think that part would stand out a little more if, instead of making general statements like "one first had to be able to obtain resources that were named 'unobtainable' by the government," you thought out what sorts of things specifically someone who wanted to Watch would have to get or do. Like, "One first had to obtain the x, y, and z, which meant you had to have connections to the Bosses" or whatever. Because I found myself skimming those parts--I started really reading when we got to the main character going into the building, and I got really interested when there was a mysterious New Drug at the kiosk.

(Speaking of when the MC enters the building, there's a bit where you say the "foyer is burning" with air conditioning, which is a really weird sentence because a/c should make the foyer NOT be burning, you know?)

At that point I found the story really interesting. But I still have two nitpicks:

1) When the man in the elevator smells of the New Drug. It bothered me because a) no smell had been mentioned previously, just vacant expressions and droopy eyes and stuff, and b) I feel like futuristic drugs would not have smells, just because smells make it too obvious that there's a drug involved, and wouldn't you want it to be not obvious? and c) if it's a drug in pill form instead of smoking, I don't think there would be a smell anyway even with current drugs.

(But you'd have to look that up, because I'm not exactly an expert on drugs.)

So anyway, that's what I think needs improvement. Plot wise and stuff I'm never quite sure how short horror stories are supposed to work, like how much explanation there's supposed to be (the only published one I've ever read was The Lottery, so all my thoughts on short horror are kind of based on that)...so I think it was good as far as that goes, although I can't be sure.

Blue




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Thu Mar 20, 2014 11:40 pm
Iggy wrote a review...



Blacky <3

Extraction methods have been invented that link to one persons consciousness and extract their entire story, past, present and future,


Cut out the indicated word and the sentence would make more sense. Also, you're missing an apostrophe in "persons."

But for reasons which are not difficult to deduce, the whole system was Watching was deemed illegal in short time.


"The whole system of Watching" or "The whole system was Watching"? I think the former makes more sense.

Secondly the entire syndicate was a prestige in its own.


A comma is needed after the indicated.

the foyer is burning with the silence of air conditioning which is accompanied only by distant footsteps.


"The" should be capitalized.

I pick up my pace, the Boss is expecting me.


Ah, ah. Comma splice, dearie. Replace the comma with a semi-colon.

One may expect that is is the far future,


You repeat "is" twice. I think you meant the first to be "it", right?"

or the nostalgic past that greatly appeal to being Watched,


This part of the sentence is worded oddly and doesn't sound right. Consider a revise.

“Only if you want to.” Is her drawled reply.


"Is" is a weird way to start off a sentence. I suggest you change the period to a comma, and lowercase "is" so you avoid this.

My eyes are pulled away from staring by the other,first woman’s voice, it’s heavy and lazy.


Another comma splice. Also a misplaced comma.

“They gave us extra footage did you see, about 20 minutes.


Another odd sentence. She begins to ask a question, but it doesn't end as a question. I like this better >> "Didn't you see that they gave us extra footage? About 20 minutes, I reckon."

Everything is simply none.


I think this would be better if you ended it with "Everything is simply nothing."


Okay. Let's focus on the story itself.

For one thing, your imagery is very strong. You took care with detailing the office, the movements he made, the actions, the scenery.

Another strong factor was the information and details given. The background in the beginning was nice, because it helped us understand, from the start, what exactly was going on, instead of you throwing us into this world and making us confused.

One thing you should do is revise and edit this. A lot of sentences were formed awkwardly, as I've pointed out above. This didn't do you any favors in improving the flow of your story, so I suggest you reread this and start tweaking. I might have missed some things, so just use your best judgement.

The plot itself was absolutely genius. This was a great idea you thought off, and you played it out well. The plot twist was delivered as you wanted it to be: shocking and something I wouldn't have foreseen. You did hint towards something big happening, since the lady did ask if the main character (who needs a name) has watched the extra 20 minutes. One thing I found confusing about that is - if they all knew they were gonna die, then why did they get on the elevator? It doesn't make any sense.

Other than that, this was overall very good. Well written, well detailed, and well formed. The flow was, for the most part, clear and straightforward. Nothing was overly done or overly explained, and not majorly confusing. It was a pleasure to read what things your mind can cook up. :P





"He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how."
— Fredrich Nietzche (Philosopher)