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Pencil tears leaking for suicidal girls

by Seastormy

Running my fingers over the cover,

A book made for friends and her lover,

With pictures and text and beautiful art,

She made everything original from the start.

I had a video of her from a month ago,

In my crowded room, she put on a show,

Dancing erotically around that taller boy,

Kissing the girls because she was not coy.

I remembered her laugh and her velvet lips,

She came outside with me to take rum sips,

Carefully elaborating on how she'd be a star,

Puffing dangerously on her cigar.

And now, my heart thumps louder,

As I reach the page where I had drawn a thistle flower,

So long ago, for such an excited face,

Which is now forever frozen in place.

(This is the second friend within a month that has killed themselves. I wish I remembered what I had written in that book, all I can picture is the flower I drew above the text. On a side note, I guess the formatting refuses to stay the way I've originally written it, no matter how hard I try. Enjoy reading it incorrectly, I suppose.)

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60 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 60

Fri Mar 21, 2014 11:02 am
therealme says...

I'm so sorry for your loss :( I can't even imagine what you're going through. This is a really beautiful poem and your friend would have loved it I'm sure.

To fix the formatting click on the </> looking thing in the far left of the Publishing Center bar and wherever you want a new paragraph/space type <br>

It should look like this (without the bold):

She made everything original from the start.
I had a video of her from a month ago,

It took me a while to figure it out myself haha xD Let me know if you have trouble.

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35 Reviews

Points: 2045
Reviews: 35

Thu Mar 20, 2014 8:51 pm
inspirus wrote a review...

I'm sorry about your friend. The poem was really alive and beautifully sad, the vivid truth and genuineness of its inspiration stands out most. The fact that your feelings flowed through to depict the story in the poem and that the words of your expression of it matched to create the flowing rhyme was simply artistic. Great work...and sad too. :(

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74 Reviews

Points: 2990
Reviews: 74

Thu Mar 20, 2014 3:20 pm

I'm sorry about you're friend. That's awfully sad :(

On a happier note this is a very well written poem. It really speaks to the heart. It tells a story.

The title drew me in- it's fantastic!!!!

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1220 Reviews

Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220

Thu Mar 20, 2014 2:20 am
Kale wrote a review...

To get non-spaced-out lines, hit Shift + Enter in the editor at the end of a line.

With that said, since this poem appears to be very personal, my review will be under a spoiler. Read it at your own risk.

Spoiler! :
The rhyme cripples this poem. Rhymes are hard to pull off well even in the best of cases, and you have a lot of forced rhymes. Combined with how rhyming poetry is generally associated with less-serious, childish subjects, and the use of rhyme really clashes with the topic of this piece. As a result, the use of rhyme here feels trite and trivializing, which I am sure is the exact opposite of what you intended.

Not all poems need to rhyme, and forcing a poem to rhyme can really hurt a poem, as it does with this one. I'd strongly recommend rewriting this so it doesn't rhyme, and that the sincerity of your feelings can better show through. Sincerity is crucial in any work dealing with this sort of topic, and ridding yourself of the handicap of rhyming will make it much easier for you to express your feelings sincerely.

Another aspect of the form that needs cutting is the punctuation at the end of every line. Contrary to what you may have been told, poems do follow the regular conventions of punctuation most of the time, with the exceptions existing for clear reasons. The easiest way for you to check if your poem is properly punctuated is to write it all as one paragraph. If the punctuation still makes sense, then you're good. If not, you should revise the punctuation so that it follows conventions, unless there is a very good reason not to.

Having punctuation at the end of every line is very distracting, especially since the end of every line naturally results in a slight pause as your readers' eyes track from the end of the line to the start of the next. Having punctuation at the end of the line dramatically lengthens that pause, to the point where it becomes very awkward if there punctuation is not placed grammatically.

In short: kill the rhyming and the end-line punctuation, as they do no service to this poem. Instead, try writing this in a more free-form way, so that the sincerity of your feelings can shine through.

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16 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 16

Wed Mar 19, 2014 6:20 pm
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yadanialler wrote a review...

hello :)
first of all i want to say i'm very sorry for your lost and i wish that your friend is in a peacefull place right now.
i really liked this poetry, full of emotions in a perfect order
the grammer and ponctuation are good (better than mine, i'm bad when it comes to that)
i liked some lines like
"A book made for friends and her lover,"
"She came outside with me to take rum sips,

Carefully elaborating on how she'd be a star,

Puffing dangerously on her cigar.

And now, my heart thumps louder"
keep writting and good luck

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59 Reviews

Points: 4238
Reviews: 59

Wed Mar 19, 2014 5:32 pm
Sunshine1113 says...

Sunshine here to review...

First, I'm sorry for your loss, she seemed like a fun person. Second, I really have no nitpicks for this. The formatting seemed fine to me. I'm so sorry that this is happening in your life. If you want to talk at all pm me, a good listener. *hugs*

"If I see an American in real life or a kiwi in a blockbuster, it feels surreal and weird, and like a funny trip."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi