I'm trying to visualize an acrylic painted world without you, my dearest Lucy. Unfortunately, it is close to impossible. The tall man with dark hair and olive skin could never compare to the touch of your gentle yet rough hand against my pure black coat. Neither could it compete with the sound of your voice in praise after I endure a long grooming. My thoughts are spiralling and tumbling towards a grey tornado, they will not stop spinning and I fear that I will soon become caught in the midst of them. My hooves are cracked with ash coloured dirt and he hasn't lived up to your word. You promised my protection, the smooth caramel of your voice calming my sleepless nights. You called me Midnight because that's when you were allowed to see me, yet you left at the brightest of hours. I knew that it wouldn't last. The man had never shown anything close to affection towards me and I regret being so naïve. I remember the slow moving train that you left on, the absence of finality.
My darling Lucy, you had sworn that one day we would escape; that the only thing stopping us from leaving would be my inability to keep my stamina up. I feel as though I could gallop forever, with you guiding me, but my back has not been occupied for quite some time. I am aware that your leaving was aided by the fact that he believed you could do wonders more. "A stable is no place for a Lady, especially when she tries to associate with a dusty old cow." Lucy, I am no cow, I may be the product of fear and submission, but I am no cow.
I remember, when you were little, and before he knew, you used to tell me that I was a king. King Midnight, the bravest horse of them all, unstoppable and without a doubt, the kindest soul. You had faith in me, you showed me a world without dominance, with equality and love. You described in detail the way the sky would bend and nod in acceptance to you before your visits. Although I could not respond with words, I always made sure to nuzzle my long snout in your hands.
So this is it. With the pastel colours assisting the sun with its wake, and the jet black blades of grass prickling my skin, I find it incomprehensible to turn back. He sent you away, and I will never live to see you again. The roaring of the dark train is interrupting my final goodbyes. There isn't a lot of time. My senses are very strong, and the final smell that hits me is thick smoke. I imagine a burning candle being put out, and finally close my eyes after hearing your scream.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Firstly, I'd say you should focus on paragraphing. A huge mass of words, which your story is right now, is quite overwhelming to a lot of people so I suggest you break up the story at appropriate parts where you can.
Second off, the way you write is as Iggy said, compensating for the lack of speech by the stallion, resulting in a story where its very easy to visualize and picture the memories as they were imagined to be.
Another thing, you need to make the plot more detailed. Just a few clues and hints here and there, make it overall more clear. And the way the horse dies, and the situation under which he dies, needs to be cleared up and made more detailed as well. Right now it's very very confusing, but it can be remedied easily.
Beautiful, the way you wrote about the bond between stallion and girl, its really beautiful. And at the end I actually felt a pang of sadness for the stallion. I myself am a falconer so I know what it's like to form a bond between you and an animal, a bond of shared love cultivated over years that transcends all other things.
Love it, keep writing.
Hello!
I have no nitpicks on the grammar, so that's good. Now I can focus on the plot itself.
This was an interesting plot bunny to turn into a story, and for that, you rock. It's not everyday that you see a short story told from the perspective of a horse. Something unique and original is bound to be good, and good this was. Not great, but good nonetheless.
The imagery was a very strong factor here, and since a horse cannot talk, you had to make up for it with details of what he sees. That's what I loved most about this, was the beautifully written words and details given to help us visualize the scenes, especially if they're from a horse's point of view.
While the imagery was strong, the overall message behind this was not. You tell us why the girl's father is giving away the horse, but I don't understand the rest beyond that. The title makes me think the horse is going to die, but does he really? You don't lead up to him dying, just smoke. What's on fire? The stables? The family's cottage? Something else? Be more clear with these kind of details, and especially if it is the overall message and/or meaning behind the story.
Other than that, this was a good tale to read. Short, simple, to the point. You didn't overdo it with imagery, in my opinion. It was done just right. I do think you could have been a bit more original with naming a black horse Midnight, but explaining why the girl named him that was unique and also a bit cute. Their bond was shown through the horse's thoughts and if your goal was to make me sad and wish to reunite woman and horse, then you may rest easy tonight, for you did. BRING THEM BACK TOGETHER.
Overall, I enjoyed this, despite a fuzzy understanding of the ending.
Thank you for the review! I actually wrote this today during English class, we were given a picture prompt of a horse running towards a train and had 30 minutes to write a fiction/non fiction piece on it!
I'm glad that you enjoyed it, and I will probably end up expanding it and adding more detail (eventually) (maybe)
You should. Add in more background history, more detail, and expand more on why she had to get rid of the horse.
And now I know where the smoke is coming from - the train. Make sure you make that more clearer in the story, because I was confused!
This was interesting- nice idea to use a horses perspective onbeing left by, I'm guessing, the owners daughter. Some of the imagery felt a little forced and over the top, for example the tornado analogy could be subtler and the use of "pure" to describe her coat felt a little jarring. It seems a shame to use cliche's in such a unique concept.
That's just a couple nit picks though. Overall I found the piece creative and very entertaining. Great work, keep writing.