when they see him
they see smiles
sideswept hair
a fresh-pressed shirt
underneath a "trendy" cardigan
rolled up jeans
suede boots
and
thick-rimmed glasses
(but i s w e a r they don't have prescription)
they see success
charisma
kindness
honesty
"good looks"
when i see him
i see insecurity
i see a thorned heart
that can
never ever
be changed
i see a boy
in denial
laughing but it doesn't quite reach his eyes
saying things and meaning them
unforgivable
disgusting words
it's bad enough that they don't see
listen. open your ears
but not your hearts
and i p r o m i s e
that you won't be disappointed.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,201 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Hey, Wordsy! Here as requested!
.
contradicts the previous stanzas. The poem discusses his denial, his insecurity, so that he earns the reader's sympathy. And then the narrator sounds unjustifiably cruel by tagging his words "disgusting." This could be mended by expressing his/her frustration that others don't see, that they don't leave him alone.Great job on the transition from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde. My gaze just skates down the screen, this flows so beautifully. I especially love the repetition: you see, I see. It reinforces the message, as well as establishes line breaks. The line breaks sculpted this into something unique. As Laure pointed out, it's a cliché theme, but you executed everything so well ... well, this deserves far more than two *like*s
I see that you've been asked to capitalize your I's and the beginnings of sentences. It nags most prose-writers. However, I encourage it, and I write prose. I understand it's your style; there are plenty YWS poets who don't capitalize. And it suits this specific poem. One long chain of thoughts, links tightly interlocked.
On the theme ...
I don't consider it unfinished. That last stanza was a resolved chord. Beautifully done. But this ...
Below are the minor nitpicks, the ones bordering on insignificant:
So you dropped in a piece of foreshadowing. For one brief moment, Jekyll flickers. But it's an obstacle to the flow, and it hands the narrator a snotty side.
This erodes the rage you've so carefully been crafting. It kind of gives the poem a childish feel. Like repeating the word "very" several times.
This sticks out a little, due to its length, but that's acceptable, as long as a comma is inserted before "but." Commas are required after conjunctions in compound sentences.
Keep it up! Looking forward to hearing more from you!
Hi GoldFlame! Thank you for reviewing, it really made my day! I'll definitely see if I can adjust the poem a bit (the parts that seem to contradict the narrator), and I really enjoyed your Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde analogy.
Again, thank you so much, and you will certainly be hearing from me again!
No problem! My pleasure.
Hai, Laure here for a review. Hm, I see you have decided to write a poem about someone who has two faces. The good looks and the evil beneath them, you have done a pretty good job there though I will admit most of them was a bit cliché but it illustrated your point well enough. And this poem does speak true for quite a lot of people out there.
With swear written like that it looks messy, if you had italicised it would have worked just fine.Nitpicks: Alright, so as BitterRosemary pointed out all your single 'i's should be capitalized.
---> Now maybe you intended this, but I'm just looking at his from a reader's view. Those two lines made the boy seemed like someone who's vulnerable and who is to be loved and protected. But what you have said throughout the whole poem, is that he is someone whom has a bad character.
Between unforgivable, there should be something else, as unforgivable looks odd on its own. Perhaps just adding 'is' in front of it would have closed the gap.
Also the last stanza and the previous stanza also doesn't quite link together, so too abrupt as if the writer had just written it out in a hurry or ran out of things. You should add a bit about, how bad is it that they don't see.
Overall, this isn't bad since it speaks out against some of those people out there whom people should see more clearly. Keep on writing and I hope I wasn't too harsh.
Kudos.
-Laure
Thank you for your constructive criticism! I'd like to clarify that the lowercase 'I's are intentional (it's a part of my style). It's free verse so the words don't have to connect to form a cohesive sentence, but they connect in other ways.
It's true I could have went on, though.
Thank you once again!
Alright, fair enough but for the I, you could add in a footnote so you can avoid this type of confusion in the future.
Hey this is BitterRosemary here to give you a review! Let's get started!
I think this is an excellent poem. It's true, and it's deep, and it's connectable. Constructive cristicism. Watch your capitals. "i" is always capitalized, first letter of each stanza typically caps, unless specific format. I also don't like that the last stanza is so short. The entire poem you seem to be building toward this great big.... what? You spend the entire poem talking about what people do and dont see, as opposed to what you see. I do like that the last stanza is somewhat strong, but I think it should be longer, or at least more detailed.
That was the only grievance I have.
Never stop writing!
BitterRosemary
Hi, thank you for you input! I really appreciate your feedback! On a side note, the uncapitalized letters (particularly the 'I's) are intentional. It's a part of my writing style for poetry.
No problem, I totally understand alot of people don't like capitalizing the first letter.
It was good nonetheless. 