Young Writers Society

Paralysing and all-consuming,
It burns like a wild fire,
Till it leaves you like a walking corpse,
Afraid of footsteps or the closing of a door.

The problem with excessive similes is 1. Sometimes a metaphor is more powerful and 2. It has the poem constantly say like or as. Also similes can get off topic or get to detailed that it takes away from the poem. I understand your teacher maybe told you to do this but please, after this take a simile for what it is.

Now, the way you go about this is cryptic. When you write an essay do you explain the causes before you bring up what it is you are talking about? No. Poetry is no different. Trust me you should bring a honest first sentence or start it by telling us what is paralyzing and all-consuming. This type of ambiguity is the only bad ambiguity. When you say things and the reader cannot understand them just because the way you went about it.

Bags under eyes,
Shaking hands,
Nerves strung like wire.
It’s can be slow like the ignition of a fireplace,
Or fast, like the race of a wildfire in the wind,

Now these similes aren't really adding up. Are you explaining that the thing you are talking about is fast, slow, give you bags under your eyes, has your hands shaking, has you strung like wire, ect. It makes no sense why you would associate so many things with one thing. Tell us what you mean and make the similes about that.

A shaking hand,

So the thing that causes shaking hand is the product of the shaking hand?

I hope you realize I am totally confused at this point and I have no idea what you are saying. Please, next time don't sacrifice clarity but learn to use the simile to support your message. You won't be disappointed with the feedback.


Also, thanks for requesting a review on my thread

Thanks for posting on my official 'review for food' thread. I will review your first poem and come back later to review the second so that I have a fresh mind when reviewing both. Usually you are supposed to submit one per publication but I understand your reasons for submitting two here, so I will continue with the first review.

*also if you press shift and enter it will format it in single spaced instead of double spaced*

Light footsteps,
Across the fresh grass,
The sun shining on the dew ridden grass,
Making it sparkle like jewellery.

To be honest it is much better then usual first writers. You must have had a good teacher because 1. it is readable and 2. the imagery is actually quite vivid. (It is rare that I start these reviews off with something good so good job.)

Now, completely unnecessary to say grass twice. This is poetry were you are trying to say as much as possible in a little amount of words. Repeating yourself makes you loose value and emotion, especially when you use the same word. Also, what really tears this first stanza up is the fact that you are rhyming with the same word. You could not possibly read that to yourself and not realize how much it is throwing it off, and if you don’t then I think its time you read some other good works in poetry to get an idea of what it is. Right now the rhythm is terrible, and the rhyme is even worse. Although the simile is a great example of just why you are showing so much potential already. To recap- the poem is bad but there are some wonderful aspects of it. Now moving on--

I can see out of the corner of my eyes,
Your docile smile,
And self-assured gaze.

When is the last time someone used docile? It is not necessarily bad that you use words that most people don't know but try not to get too crazy with it. The word docile is particularly bad because you needn’t explain that the smile is docile if you told us what it looked like. If you want a poem with good imagery (hence title) then you want to show us a submissive smile instead of tell us there is a submissive smile. It is more effective too because when you explain it you leave her submissive smile to interpretation and let the reader decide if the smile is submissive (shows credibility). Same goes for 'self-assured gaze.'

How those sky-blue eyes light up,
When telling a story,
How when you smile your eyes crinkle up at the edges,
And your dimples become more pronounced.

Okay so you basically said the same thing twice only this time you added better imagery by saying 'crinkle up at the edge' and 'dimples become more pronounced.' I think you should have said it one time, and said it well. Most of this whole poem could be shrunk down immensely that it is almost annoying to read. I know the story is progressing but I think you’re getting carried away in the details. I realize that it’s not exactly the same thing either but the problem is it feels like moving in circles, not getting anywhere.

I could trace every contour,
Of your face in my sleep.
Your sharp cheekbones,
Thin lips,
Baby-blue eyes,
And golden hair that falls over your eyes.

Again, you need to cut down on using the same word two times. I don't know if you understand how much this is actually taking away from your poem. It is painful to read, but what you actually talk about is great. You have the content but your presentation of it is drawn-out and painful to read.

You burn too bright for this world,
No, you’re too good and pure,
To survive harsh reality.
But I savour this moment,
When you can look at me,
With those sparkling, welcoming,
Blue eyes.

Again most of this is repeating and unnecessary. I would tell you to slow down and focus on one thing at a time and leave it there. Don't go back to her 'blue eyes' you mentioned it way to much not to mention that phrase is pretty unoriginal in poetry.

Now your transition to say she it too bright is pretty weak. It is like reading it saying 'really, thats it?' There is something in this poem but it could be said in under 15 lines and for that reason it is simply not good. I would condense it and pack more content in a smaller amount of words and maybe, maybe you will have something here.

Hiya, Steward here to read your awesome piece of work.,
I suck, you rock, we'll get through with just pure luck.,

I'll just read and tell you what I feel.,

Across the fresh grass,

The sun shining on the dew ridden grass,

Okay, a little awkward seeing the word 'grass' twice in two consecutive lines., But if it works for you, do it.,

Making it sparkle like jewellery.

Typo here, it's spelled as 'jewelry'.,

How those sky-blue eyes light up,

Baby-blue eyes,

Okay, so you describe his/her eyes twice, but with two different colors.,
Uhm, yeah, baby-blue and sky-blue are not the same color.,

It’s can be slow like the ignition of a fireplace,

Typo I guess? You can just drop the apostrophe and the 's'.,

Overall, the piece was good, just mixed up at places., you might want to proofread and change some words so that the whole thing blends well.,

Anyway, it was great., Keep it up.,
Keep writing, keep smiling, and
*-rock.on.,