Young Writers Society

Hey there! joallover here for a review on this wonderful Review Day for team Mazarine Marauders!
So, you have a good thing going here. Just, a few things could make it so much better!
The first, I don't understand the point of that 'though' in the first line. It doesn't sound like it makes sense to me, having 'though' then 'yet' in the same phrase.
" Though I forgot it,

Yet it left a sign"
Second, what is the 'it' referring to in the second line?
"Yet it left a sign"
Third, I believe there can be a comma after the 'yes' in the fourth last line.
"Yes I keep a smile to show,"
Fourth, there are random words capitalized that don't need to be. Perhaps, it was intended for these specific words to be titles, but I was unclear as a reader for me to understand that purpose of the capitalization.
Last, I think you could add, maybe, two more lines onto this. I don't feel as if you have a strong conclusion and I felt it was a little cut short.
That's all! Like I said, you did good with this. It could be stronger though. Even the best of writers can improve!
Peace Love and Fahrvergnugen!
-joallover

Hello,

I have a few things I can point out to you that I think will help improve your poem. Overall I think you've got the start of something you can work with here, and you've done a pretty good job at the front of the poem.

There are some problems with your opening line that I think really start you out on the wrong foot and you never quite recover. Seeing as you're a relatively new member, and probably haven't heard this before, I'll just run through some basic things first.

Beginning every line with a capital letter is a stylistic choice, and not a requirement. This is something you can choose to do if you want to and the affect it creates is appropriate to the poem. This is not something that is mandatory. The reason this is not mandatory is because when you capitalize the first letter of every line it creates a jolt that comes with a period, unless it is a word that is supposed to be capitalized like the start of a sentence or a proper noun. That being said, it is my practice, typically, to just capitalize the first letter of sentences or proper nouns, unless I want that 'old poem' feel.

It is also a pretty typical practice to only use an end rhyme scheme if you really want to, or you have a hard time writing otherwise. If the latter is the problem, or reason for it, then it is pretty common practice to imbed rhymes in the center of lines and thus, hide them. This makes a lovely flow for the poem because you drag the reader down to the next line for that satisfying rhyme without making them pause at the end of the line because of it. Instead, their brains are forced to continue on because it is not the end of the line. This is also how periods are typically dealt with.
This advice basically goes out the window with lyrics, but this wasn't a lyrical poem.

Now that I've covered the bases of style that I think you needed to hear, let's get on to the nitty gritty.

Your first lines leave me somewhat flummixed because they are not what I would consider spoken word. This isn't how I hear people talk. It's also rather vague. I can forgive vague, that's easy. A lot of people are pretty vague because they don't think people can relate to specifics. It's this odd sentence that gets me. "Though I forgot it,/Yet it left a sign" Now at this point I had to read the title. It was the only thing previous to the poem that could possibly give me a hint at what it was, so It became Silent Pain, and the riddle went on. Using both "Though" and "Yet" in a single sentence is something like saying "Though I went to the store, I forgot it, yet I wrote myself a note to remember it." It just makes the whole thing rather large and clunky, but you've got it jammed into this short, short area. "Though I forgot it," is not a complete sentence. You use a comma first off, and Though is a conjunction so "I forgot it" has to be connected to another clause. "Yet" is another conjunction, so that means we need Four clauses and we get two without any real indication of "It."

We don't really cover what it is either. We move on. "A laughter in wildness" This is supposedly the sign that it left. It's sort an awkward sign to be left by Silent Pain considering the adjective is silent.

We don't really get an explanation of that either because again we're pushed on. "O' that was mine" Oh What was yours? The laughter? the silent pain? the sign? What, prey tell, does that one indicate?

So as you see, you keep stacking these things that are possessive of "It" and "That" without really telling us what "It" is. For me, that was one of the frustrating things about this poem. It might sound really pretty, but when you try to get down to what it is saying, it's sort of a mix. Personally I think you should take it and put in some concrete details about the situation you're writing out. Writing a poem about what caused the pain is enough meat to fill a poem. Just writing a poem about the pain that was caused is enough meat, but you have to include snippits of how it got there so we can empathize with the narrator.

I hope this helped.
Until next time.

hey
love the poem words have been put together great ( by the way everything seems great in the poem but there are a few things that may need to be changed such as. more lines to it one or two more and have like a brake in between some of the lines this is just so people can breath. love how you have describe the poem for e.g my heart became a shrine it was good line to add

This is a really good poem. I love how you have put the words together. But to me it needs extra. Maybe another line or two