Young Writers Society

This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review on Review Day!

You asked for this. I'm not addicted to this poem, that's for sure, younger Adri. Seems like this follows the usual cliche of having the 'Bad Guy' in literature and in this case, poetry, always be evil and without a real motivation. That's what I dislike so much about this poem. That the speaker shows no real motivation or reasoning behind their actions, and without that, I don't see how this poem can succeed.

There's no way that the reader can find any sympathy for the speaker if they're acting this way without reason. It's also just generally corny and I know that you can do better than this from experience. The structure could be made interesting but as of now, it's not and won't be because you haven't done anything to hook the reader in to the rest of the piece.

We have no motivation ourselves to try and be on the same wavelength as the speaker here. You only win with getting your theme across if you intended for it to be that all villains are EVIL and BAD and can never be redeemed of their actions. Maybe next time, younger Adri. If you do have any questions, don't be afraid to ask. I hope I helped and have a great day.

Hey RMS!!!! Just a few questions here, one of them being are you really 10? Because I know maybe one other ten year old who can write this well. Granted I only know one other 10 yr old on this site so I may be wrong, stilI really like it. I don't see anything wrong in the grammar which is good, but I think you should maybe add some similes and metaphors don't go crazy with them though. Now moving onto the actual poem. There are many ways to see this one way being people are beating down on you telling you this is who you are, and after so long you actually start to believe them. The second way is beating yourself down, telling yourself this is who you are and you start loathing yourself. The third way is if you're mocking these things, meaning your mocking the stereo types. Outr of all three of them the third one seems most likely because of the last stanza, all the other stanzas are like this too I just didn't notice till the last one. It was like you were saying 'So what if I'm addicted to immortality, that doesn't mean I'm hiding my emotions or constantly fighting, I may be addicted but I am not the bad guy.' Addictions may come with bagadge, but just because something can happen doesn't mean it will. My other question is whether or not I was right. Anyways great poem!!!! Keep calm and write on!!! =^_^=

Hey RavenMoonStone Naveshock here for a review. Let just start by just saying it, I loved it and keep in mind this is from someone who normally wouldn´t even try poetry. The way you depicted the character was complex yet simple, nice job showing a troubled mind. I have to say the thing I liked the most was your use of repetition, it´s amazing how with it the character seemed more and more crazy and troubled. The only real problem I had is that the first sentence is a bit too sudden/shocking but maybe that´s just me. Overall loved it. Congratulations you got me into poetry.

Addiction is one of the hardest things in life, and I understand that. I got addicted to love when I was in the third grade, and no matter how many times my heart got broke I carelessly fell in love with the wrong people.

Last year I dated somebody and I knew I shouldn't have, I slept with him because he said he loved me and I was stupid and believed him. He left me two days later. I have never forgiven him. He is my worst nightmare.

I'm sure your addiction's will go away, and I love your writings, your a very great writer and I hope you never give up.
~Sparkles

Hello RavenMoonStone, Rhia here to review as requested.

I agree with WallFlower's recommendation that you separate these into 4-line stanzas. That would make it all much cleaner and smoother flowing.

Also, you use lots of commas. There are several where you could use semi-colon's instead. Saying as you're ten, I'm not picking at you about them, because I probably couldn't tell what made using a semi colon correct in a sentence. However, I will go through and tell you which ones should be switched

I am addicted to killing;*
In my addiction, my life is filled with sadness,
In my addiction, I am power hungry.*
I am addicted.
I am addicted to murdering;*
In my addiction, I hate to think about love,
In my addiction, the real me becomes evil.*
I am addicted.
I am addicted to drugs;*
In my addiction, I kill thousands of families*,
In my addiction, I struggle to live.*
I am addicted.
I am addicted to immortality;*
In my addiction, I am hiding my Emotions,
In my addiction, I'm in a constant battle with my enemies*.*
I am The Bad Guy, and I am addicted.

Okay, I put asterisks besides everything I changed. You had lots of run on sentences, adding semi-colons and periods will make those better. You also misspelled "families" and "enemies", I fixed those in the poem too.

Hope that helps!

Hi! Happy Review Day!

I really like the idea behind this poem. You have a powerful delivery and good wording. Nice job for a first poem.

Little nitpicks:

I am addicted to Drugs,

I am addicted to Immortality,

Oh wow! Hi, Raven! This is your first poem? Ah, well good job! I really like it, but there are a few things that bother me, one being the format.
I like the main theme of the poem, addiction.
It's rather good, and I'm kind of afraid of you, you're ten, and you're already so accustomed to the world's dangers.
There are a few nitpicks that you can change, and I'm not good with the quote code, so bear with me.

"I am addicted to Killing,"
Killing doesn't need to be capitalized, I know, I've been there, we all have. You've done this a few times, but I suggest changing it. The words you capitalized aren't people, or places. They aren't names, so no need to capitalize, right?
The only exception I can find would be 'The Bad Guy' which makes sense.

I like the repetitiveness of it, so that's a plus!

Now to point out the formatting- it's rather short. I have this problem, too.
It's short, and sometimes short poems are good. Those poems are hard to find, but are to-the-point. It's hard to find the point of this one, so I suggest expanding it a little.
You can change the formatting of the poem by creating stanzas. It's easy, just hit shift+enter when creating a new line. It helps to form the stanzas, so yay!

I really enjoyed it, so danke for posting!
Good job and keep writing!
~Pen