Young Writers Society

Hello! Cailey here with a review!

I love the way this drew my mind back and even if this wasn't my memory it was enough to make me remember similar memories of my own. I also really like the way you told this story in second person with using "you" instead of "me" or "her" or whatever. That made it a lot easier for me to identify and put myself into the story as well.

As for some suggestions on how to make this even better, first of all I think the title could be incorporated more. It's a good title and definitely drew my attention to this, but I feel like it doesn't actually have that much to do with the story, and while you did explain the connection, the story shouldn't need an explanation in the first place. I hope that makes sense.

I also think that you could use a little bit more detail. You have some detail, and all of the details you've added so far are fantastic. The way you mention hair color and eye color and the feeling of skin is really great, but I'd love to see even more. This is short right now, which is good, but it also means that you have plenty of room to expand and you can add even more sights and colors and smells, maybe even taste?

"You smiled and it was big" there's nothing wrong with that sentence, but it could be so much better. Your smile was bigger than the world. Your smile filled every inch of your face. Your smile was the size of the sun. I'm sure you can think of a better sentence, but you get the point, right?

This is a fantastic and very sweet beginning, and I love the part about holding hands, but I think you can do even more with this and expand this. Anyway, whether you decide to work more on this or not, keep writing and let me know if you ever have any questions or comments about anything.

Hi. Here goes a review.
I have to say I enjoyed very much reading your short story. I could feel the wind messing with my own hair. ^^
This feeling of "fullness" when a specific person is around is perfect, the way we feel whole and satisfied with every little detail...

There are only a few things I'd like to see with you.

1. "Your heart heart felt like it was swelling," - This double 'heart' writing was on purpose or just typed twice?

2. the good things one can probably feel all at a moment. - I thought of two suggestions to clear it up a little.
- (using a coma to separate the sentences) the good things one can probably feel, all at a moment
-(using a coma and rewriting the end) the good things one can probably feel, all in the same moment

3.- I would suggest a small rewriting in here to give proper cohesion: To have the image of you graying together, the only thing that was stuck in your head back there.

4.Change of past tense to present tense
"You hate to worry him so you didn't. Instead, you just wait and make the most of the moment."
My college professor always said to us that "If you start writing in the past, keep writing in the past the whole time, because if you don't, I will take some scores off in coherence and cohesion". She was kinda mean, but now I get her. When you change tenses, it breaks the natural flow of your writing.

5. Euphoric memory or Memories?
"No matter how sharp its blades are." When you wrote this sentence after "When memories...", I got the impression the blades belonged to the memories, and not only to the euphoric one.
You should try starting the paragraph with "When memories..." and after it "Funny, how..." + "No matter...".
It would sound better when reading out loud.

But these points don't affect the greatness of your wrinting. Simple and effective. I loved it!
I hope I was helpful.^^
Anything, text me back.

Hey Quaintrelle, here to review

'Your heart heart felt like it was swelling,' -okay so I you may have made a little mistake, but not that much of a big deal.

'the golden brow pair you have grown to love.' For me this doesn't really make that much sense.

But overall I really enjoyed reading this short story it was truly moving. It proves how a memory can mean so much if it's about that one special person. Great work.

~From Pinkdinosaurs x